Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Strange thing is…I guess b/c we were only together 3 years…I was lucky not to be treated like shit until about the time he started his EA with the current OW. DS was only 3 months old. P started becoming MORE passive agresssive.
But he was always SO doting, even the whole year he was cheating on me with the ex GF. Our marrital struggles didn’t become apparent to me until I was pregnant and even then I chalked it up to hormones and thinking “no marriage is perfect”
The biggest joke on me was that I thought a marriage with LOYALTY was the best I could ask for even if we had our bumps.
GAG PUKE CRY
Banana, what happened in the court? are you still fighting for child custody? I may not have read all your posts, but really am interested. The thing is, MY P wrote this, to be sure. He is doing the very things yours is doing. 3 years, cheating because it was my fault. Only, I am finding more and more about the abuse that went on BEHIND my back.
Please refer to my other posts. I am sure you will agree that to repeat our experiences too many times can be very triggering.
Banana, Just wanted to TRANSLATE the letter he sent you from P-SPEAK into English. So that you can see my treanslations, I will put it in CAPS in brackets. Oxy
Banana,
I would like to first thank you for sending me that e-mail on 06/07/09. I was a little taken back at first. One because you got your attorney involved, [YOU WERE SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT AND GOT THE ATTORNEY INVOLVED, I MAY BE IN TROUBLE HERE.]
and two you always stated that you were not a materialistic person. [NOW I AM TRYING TO GUILT YOU HERE]
So therefore I didn’t give a response till now. I woke up at 3am out of a dead sleep saying to myself “what do I say— (Too your e-mail) and saying to myself “I got it—[I FIGURED I BETTER TAKE ACTION AND SEE IF I CAN HEAD YOU OFF]
Where to start”. Well Banana’s attorney nice too meet you, and congrats on being a Lawyer.
I would like to share a little of my side of the story. Take it as you please” [NONE OF THIS IS THE TRUTH, JUST “MY SIDE”]
Banana and I met and it was love at first sight. [I MANAGED TO OHOOK HER IN QUICKLY]
I met her parents and it wasn’t so “love at first sight”. The 3rd visit I do believe her mother stated “Banana what are you doing with this guy” “what are you doing” [JHER PARENTS WEREN’T QUITE AS HOOKED AS SHE WAS]
what a great start that was. [I ALMOST BLEW IT THERE]
Anyway despite what they thought I was not going to stop feeling for her because the way her mother was. [THAT OLD BAT WASN’T GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO]
So in short from that day forward things were awkward for all parties. [HER PARENTS DIDN’T GIVE UP EASILY]
Banana’s Attorney mind you my childhood was far from great” My parents always put me down told me that “I will never be what I wanna be”. [PITY ME, I HAD A BAD CHILDHOOD]
So now I have her parents thinking like my parents did and still do” Not a great feeling. So I stayed headstrong and said to myself “I’ll show them”. So I’m thinking I can do this, mind you this is not the first time parents have done this to me.[I’VE BEEN NAILED BEFORE BY PARENTS]
But the last time it did happen, I let her go. [SHE MANAGED TO GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I REALLY DID HER IN.]
Once again I was not good enough for their daughter. Sounds like a pity party doesn’t it” Well banana’s attorney just trying to give you some insight of what has happened to me in the past to give you some idea on why things went south. [YEA, LIFE NEVER TREATED ME LIKE I DESERVED TO BE TREATED, SPECIAL]
Then Banana and I got married on 07/07/07 what a perfect day for a great occasion.
Then banana became pregnant approximately 3 months after our wedding [I’M NOT SURE HOW SHE DID THIS BUT IT SURE WAS HER FAULT, NOT MINE.]
Carried our son for those long 10 months and then gave birth to Son on 06/12/08” (WRONG DATE) What a day that was. I was so proud of her, and what she did.. Banana is one tough woman and I really look up to her for that. [JUST SAYING THIS SO YOU WON’T THINK I AM A PSYCHOPATH, SEE HOW I CAN SAY POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT HER?]
Anyway” During our relationship and our marriage Banana would do the things that would make me feel “not good enough” like her parents my parents and other parents did. Like constantly saying to me “go to college” but I kind of knew that was her mom in her ear” Or telling me to find another job. I was feeling like wow what about me! [SHE ACTUALLY EXPECTED ME TO TRY TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY AND IMPROVE MYSELF–WOW, WHAT A BITCH]
I’m me P hello” I just wanted to be loved for me. Not money or for what I did for a career, or for not speaking right. [I DIDN’T WANT HER TO EXPECT ME TO BEHAVE AS AN ADULT]
Banana hated that my English is not always proper. When I spoke slang our I didn’t pronounce words correctly she always reminded me of that. Have you ever been in a room and you’re talking and no one is listening, well that’s how it was. I would talk and it would be like “ya right” blah blah blah” I felt so distant and alone. It didn’t help Banana never really stood up for me either with my mom or her own. Say hay look you need to stop he is my husband.[NO MATTER HOW BAD I WAS OR HOW BAD I ACTED, SHE WOULDN’T DEFEND ME]
Well I completely agree with what you’re thinking “Banana doesn’t deserve to be cheated on”. I agree 100 %. What I did was wrong, very wrong. [PHONY APOLOGY]
But I can say I was honest and came forward.[I ADMITTED IT AFTER I WAS CAUGHT]
As far as me going back and forth 4 times, like we all haven’t been in a situation where no matter what you did was wrong. I wanted so much for Banana but didn’t know how to give it after I did what I did. I came Back and forth for her and my son. [IO KEPT LYING TO HER AND GOING BACK TO THE OTHER WOMAN CAUSE I WANTED TO BUT I WON’T ADMIT THAT]
banana’s attorney I don’t know if you have children but, I love my son very much. [I DON’T REALLY CARE A RAT’S BEHIND FOR HIM, BUT I KNOW THAT I’M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT]
By me being hurt and confused for my wife has nothing to do with me loving my child. Why is it that when parents are in this situation the “HURT” or “VICTIM” will put the kid in the middle like this situation. My son does not deserve to be away from me because of my decisions. [I CAN DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS, IT IS STILL OKAY FOR ME TO HAVE CUSTODY/VISITATION]
I have never and would never hurt my child. I have ruined my marriage yes, but not my relationship with my son. So Banana all I’m asking is keep our son out of this. He is the innocent one in this. Remember people act out when they are hurting and don’t know what to do or say. [THAT’S THE REASON I WAS VIOLENT CAUSE I WAS ‘HURTING’ SO LET IT SLIDE ON TYHIS THIN EXCUSE]
I have never and would never put son in the middle never. He deserves a Mom and a Dad. Just because we didn’t get along or stay together doesn’t mean one should suffer more than the other. [THIS IS BS BUT IT SOUNDS GOOD]
Banana also threatens me with I’m being “manipulative”. [BOY, IS SHE RIGHT ON!]
How about that I’m confused, hurt, scared, ect. I can’t be a Dad because I’m manipulative! [SHE PEGGED THAT ONE]
So I take it that she would be a good Mom for taping my conversations, and when she hears something she doesn’t like she can walk in a bedroom punch me about the head and face. (WHEN I HEARD P AND OW HAVING SEX IN MY HOUSE) [BOY DID SHE CATCH ME ON THAT ONE]
Is that safe for my child to around. So when Banana does something wrong does that mean banana has the right too hit son in the face several times. NO ONE deserves to be puched about the face for any reason other then to defend thereselves. [EVEN IF BANANA CATCHING ME DOING THE NASTY WITH OW IN HER HOUSE, SHE SHOULD REMAIN CALM]
Anyway the whole matter of this is, Banana you can have all of your belongings. I see how much energy and time you have put into getting them back. Copied receipts, e-mailing everyone. [I TRIED TO KEEP EVERYTHING BUT YOU OUT FOXED ME ON THAT ONE]
But you have our son, and you put him in the middle”. How fair is that. Your too consumed by your anger to think about what you’re doing to Our innocent child!! banana while you’re at it Can you put a price tag on our son? [JUST TRYING TO SOUND RATIONAL HERE, BUT YOU DO KNOW BETTER]
Son is our son, He is my first thought, and your worried about a lamp, a bike, and a buggy.. Anything else you would like! [I TRIED TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING THINGS BUT AGAIN, YOU OUTFOXED ME.I WANT TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE MATERIALISTIC AND I AM NOT]
I don’t want this to continue. [YOU ARE WINNING TOO MUCH]
I would like to be adults and work this out for our sons sake. So please stop and think. Once again for the record I am very sorry for what I have done to you. [I HOPE THIS SOUNDS SINCERE CAUSE YOU MIGHT LET UP ON ME SOME]
I can’t change it, but one thing I will do Is take care of myself and our son. I hope you can get past this too.. [I AM TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I WILL PROVIDE PARENTING FOR OUR SON AND EVEN CHILD SUPPORT, BUT YOU KNOW BETTER, HOWEVER, THIS SOUNDS REALLY GOOD.]
Thank you OxDrover.
I couldn’t actually read the letter again, but I read all of your translations and it was cathartic.
I knew it was manipulative the minute I read it…and no response was given…God was there that day and my attorney received it before I did and insisted I do not respond in any way.
But that day it tore my heart out that this man was nothing but a “thing”.
Dear Banana,
That’s the thing, they are so good at twisting their wording to say one thing and mean another, and they are so fake because theya re NOT able to feel love, the words “sorry” don’t mean crap, and the word “love” is simply a way to get you to do what they want.
His “pity play” that his parents and your parents and the other woman’s parents were mean to him, put him down—only says to me that HE THINKS HE IS SPECIAL and everyone that doesn’t agree with him is BAD.
Obviously your parents, his parents and the other woman’s parents were smarter than he was!!!! LOL They all saw though him, and now you do too. TOO BAD, OH, SO SAD—-FOR HIM!!!!
Banana:
“I knew it was manipulative the minute I read it..”
Banana, I had the same experience recently, and my gut was SCREAMING at me!
There really is a lot that we can detect from the language of psychopaths. There are oddities in their speech (both spoken and written) that speak to their underlying disorder, and their inability to organize thoughts in their brain into a coherent whole (I am paraphrasing from “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare).
In other words, “their speech is full of inconsistent and contradictory statements” (Robert Hare).
We do not detect the speech oddities, because we usually compensate for it ourselves. It’s like when you are driving down the highway, and you see a sign that says: _OTEL. You automatically know the sign says MOTEL, even though the M is missing.
I would encourage all LoveFraud members to be aware of these speech oddities when we have someone “passing through” dropping their lines from time to time.
And then we have the phony, flowery, compositions, like Gem’s letter from her imprisoned father, & Banana’s letter from the STBXP that actually seem o.k. on the surface, unless you know the real back-story (and you know about psychopaths).
This letter was especially telling after he filed his cross motion stating that I threatened him, and that the was the REAL reason he came back to me.
It’s really telling on paper now how contradictory his stories/ “recollections” are.
I hope and pray the judge sees it too.
Rosa,
sometimes the psychopaths are PASSING GAS—as in HOT AIR—and you are so right about looking for the “odd” way they use words and the insincere manner of their “apologies”
Banana’s X’s “blaming” all his problems on the fact that her mother and his mother and the mother of his other GF didn’t like him—kind of shows a PATTERN THERE doesn’t it? But HE DOESN’T SEE THE PATTERN that there might be a REASON none of these people cared for him.
Since words apparently don’t mean the same thing to them that they do to most of the rest of us, that accounts for why I think (and Hare said) that they use the inconsistent speach patterns.
His “pity ploy” was so THIN it was pretty transparent to I would think anyone! Hope the judge sees it as well.
“but I just wanna say how much I enjoy that last quote: ‘I pardon you, but I also pardon whoever kills you.’
Sheer beauty (envision a naughty smile from me in a good moment as i post this to you.)”
As far as I am concerned, this was more offensive, insensitive, and creepy than anything I posted yesterday.
Not all of us think killing is something to laugh or fantasize about. I would NEVER wish death on anyone, not even a sociopath.
I had a classmate who was murdered in cold blood by a stranger a few years ago, and I can tell you the friends and families of murder victims would NOT be amused by this kind of statement.
Maybe it would be more constructive if people with “poor English” would clarify the meaning of their statements, rather than playing the victim, appealing to everyone’s sympathies, and blaming it all on “bad English”.
Kathleen Hawk: I am so sorry, Kathleen. I feel like you have gotten caught in the middle of my “lashing out”, and have taken the brunt of something that was NEVER intended for you. I feel horrible about that, because you are one of the most compassionate people here.
Donna: I am sorry, Donna. I know I have been a “bad girl”.
You know I’m not mad that you bumped my comments. That stuff does not bother me.
However, I have quickly developed a new respect for rappers (who get their lyrics censored).
I feel like I have become the new “Eminem” of LoveFraud. 🙂
Red Flag # Whatever: Beware of letters & letter-writers, because a letter could be part of the con.
I LOVE YOU, TILLY!!!
P.S. I also apologize to any other members who may have been triggered from my triggers.
marialisa: you are a genius with a very high IQ.