Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
I too wonder about family members of my ex s/p. I really (I never felt comfortable around her family) never had much to do with her family members. I spend as little time with them as possible. In fact it was like my ex s/p had two families. Ours and then hers. Our children too experienced the same “feeling” when going to her family for special occasions but after awhile they too didn’t want to go with her on these “visits” which again cause conflict between us. Damn everything was a “conflict”! Anyway I did ask them to go with her to stop her from yelling at us “what is my family gonna think because the boys don’t want to come with me?” Again it was always about her needs never our wishes…
The following that I wrote is what little I did know about her family members. Much of it is from what she told me..
Sorry it’s so long….
Red Flags for a Narcissistic dysfunctional family
My Ex D : Mom and Dad”.
My Narcissistic personality disorder partner (classic NPD) mother would Fly into a rage almost over anything. A classic NPD. Controlling Manipulative, lying and evil person. Cheated on her husband many, many times. In fact, one time my ex S/P told me about a family get together and that all his Children verbally attacked Mommy dearest because their father found out that she was seeing yet another man and of course Daddy dearest just let the children take care of this matter, like well that’s what his children are there for to help Him out!. Well he just sat there with his face looking at the floor. Per my ex , Being a compulsion liar herself. I take all her stories with a grain of salt, but this one I do believe. Yes, Mommy and Father Dearest. To know them is to love them. In fact mommy dearest loved her children so much that (again, per my ex S/P) her mommy dearest would kick her children out of the house in the hot summer months (summer vacation from school) and then wouldn’t allow them back in until Daddy dearest soon would be returning home from work. Yes, dear reader’s to know them is to love them. When this dysfunctional family gets together for their annual (holidays) doses of NS (Narcissistic supply) this is the only time does the brothers and sisters see each other, never do they just drop by to say hi and see each other and only the main family members attend these get together. No outsiders allow unless of course they can use them for something.
My ex S/P brothers and sisters”
Let’s start in order from youngest to oldest”.
MC, well, he received a felony (residential burglary) at a young age of 19. As a young boy, stealing bikes and then stripping them and Exchanging parts to build him a home made bike. Guess He didn’t care that the other children would be sad that he took their bikes. Married a woman (very fat woman) that had money, or should I say that her family does? Can’t you smell the money? Oh, I mean love in the air”..
MC, Don’t really know too much about her, my ex S/P didn’t Say much concerning this sister or in fact any of them. What I do know is that she stayed away from home, when She was younger as much as possible. She married a man who had some issues himself. In fact they moved from a house into a apartment and was told that he is on some kind of Social Security Benefits. He suffers from some kind of illness, but that was never made clear to me. What I do know is that after my ex S/P left my children and I and demanded some of her property in which I did give back to her, She had her brother-in-law tried to run me over with his big red truck and when that didn’t work, He and another friend chase me into a store. It’s always been so fun to have these little families NPD’s gets together”. Oh what nice people these NPD can be.
JC, well again I know so little about JC, my ex S/P doesn’t really Talk much about her brothers and sister, but she does a hell of lot talking about their spouses. How she always loved to put people in their places which is alright just right below her. Soon after JC married his wife, she started working as a bartender and meet a nice man that gave her cocaine, guess He wanted to be friends? Well, when JC (guess you can tell I don’t really like him very much and you would be right. Which I will explain later) found out that his new wife was sleeping with a drug pusher, he ask her to leave. But don’t worry dear readers become his wife parents called JC and got the two back together, Guess her parents didn’t want her druggie butt as well, no better to pawn her off to another loser. Well, the only other thing that I can remember about JC is that for some reason at his wedding (yes, same cheating, druggie loser) he came up to me when I was sitting at the bar and tried to cold cock me”
Well, when this didn’t work his new bride started pushing me out of the building And yelling at me to leave, “guess she thought I would hit her brand new hubby”. Well why did JC hit me? Oh, because his boss (why I never did find out) gave me a dirty look and I returned the favor. And I shouldn’t have done That to JC’s boss”.. JC boy needs to get his daily dose of NS from him on Monday.
Here is were my DC would be, but this is about her brothers and sisters So, let’s just skip DC”.. And just continue with this wonderful me family…
DC, oh D were do we start? Remember that old nursery rhyme? “They was a old woman that lives in a shoe, she had so many children she didn’t know what to do?” Yes, dear readers she lived in a shoe. No, but she did have a lot of children; guess it was a good Narcissistic Supply for her! But she didn’t know what to do with them, Then one day DC drop off her children To her sister, yes, mine ex S/P and didn’t come back for them for Weeks and weeks. Her children asking my ex S/P and I, “did my mother called tonight?“. Tell me readers, how do you answer that question to her children? She Didn’t care, didn’t call”. She, this poor old woman in the shoe would pawn her children to anyone that would take them so that she could party and have fun and sleep around, which she did a lot (somatic?) with men. Her other NS, I guess. Were is daddy you ask (for these two anyway), gone (guess HE knew what to do, run!) Again a coke addict like DC. But not to worry she would just found another NS. Oh, I mean new hubby”. Well, with this new relationship they both have an agreement; “You sleep with whom you want too, and I will do the same.” Isn’t NPD family’s grant?
Just to recap on this issue, I hated going over to their dysfunctional family so much that in my 17 years with my ex S/P. I spend maybe few months in their dysfunctional family get together. Our two boys hated going over there and never had any kind of relationship with their mother’s family. And because these stories are from my ex S/P you will need to take it with a grain of salt. One thing I have learned about S/Ps is that they lie, lie and then lie again. I do believe these because it must have been a great source of narcissistic supply for my ex S/P. They love when other people suffer don’t they! One other interesting thing about her brother and sisters, no one finished high school except for DC (my ex S/P guess I had some positive effect on her life).
*A child, after all, is the ultimate Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is unconditionally adoring, worshipping and submissive. But it is also a demanding thing and it tends to divert attention from the narcissist. A child takes too much of everything that the adults around him have to offer: time, energy, emotions, resources, attention. The narcissistic can easily be converted to the view that a child is a menace, a nuisance, utterly unnecessary.
This makes for a very shaky foundation of marital life. The narcissist does not need or seek companionship or friendship. He does not mix sex and emotions. He finds it hard to make love to someone that he loves. He ultimately abhors his children and tries to limit and confine them to the role of Narcissistic Supply Sources. He is a bad friend, lover and father. He is likely to divorce many times (if he ever gets married) and to end up in a series of monogamous relationships.
JS: He also wanted his “possessions” back. I think that’s the way they relate to their families: as possessions that they own. The S/Ps that walk away and don’t look back are probably easier to deal with. The controlling “owners” will do anything to get their “possessions” back, but they don’t actually want the people, just their ownership of the people.
I’ve said before that I think an understanding of personality disorders might be more important in high school than sex education! Your poor mother, with all the social pressure to keep the family together, and no understanding of what your father was about.
Rune
“I’ve said before that I think an understanding of personality disorders might be more important in high school than sex education!”
I agree… How I wish they would offer this type of class in schools…
reminds me of a teacher I had in high school – she said a good con can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip
Liane:
I’m sitting here tonight trying to recover from a “family get-together” with my two N brothers and my con-man brother.
Oh, there’s no question he’s a con-man.
You want an example?
I will never forget him on the phone with a group of investors (aka dupes). I hear him say “The name of my company?” He glances up at a sign which reads X-Beach. He says “My company is X-Group.”
He took them for $6 million bucks.
Another?
My parents personally guaranteed business loans of his. When he went to sell the business, I told them “let me make sure you’re released from his guarantees before he sells.” Their response? “Oh, no. We trust your brother.” They ended up out several hundred thousand dollars.
Then he had kids. Like all cluster-Bs, he got custody. Of course, now that the kids aren’t babies (aka accessories) anymore, he ignores them. My parents, surprising for Ns, are beside themselves with worry. Of course, my brother uses the kids as a means of bleeding my parents for more money, because they’re afraid if they don’t pony up, they’ll never see the kids again.
I love my nieces and nephews, but realize my hands are tied. I survived two Ns and numerous other bad relationships before the S did me in. I only hope those kids survive this.
Henry: Does this sound familiar? “Dear, you look tired. When you get the next big check, we should take a vacation to someplace nice and warm so you can rest up.”
Rune,
I guess you needed to post that comment twice and I read it twice…haha.
Yeah, we were his possessions. He never offered my Mom any child support after their divorce and that was super with her….she just wanted him gone!
He would show up on Christmas every once in a while with these ridiculous, extravagent presents like me and my sisters were suppose to OOH and AHH over his generosity! No way!
We were polite, considerate children and quietly said…”thank you” to him.
I had a conversation with my Mom once about his fraudulent gift giving, and she said it hurt her tremendously to see our excitement over the gifts. Like they were more important than not only the presents she bought us, but the loving and caring mothering she gave us for many years.
I told her..”Are you kidding me?! We can’t STAND him! We’re only being polite, maintaining peace by accepting the gifts. Just don’t let him come over anymore on the Holidays and that would solve everything.”
And…she did and he….didn’t.
All the village people rejoiced!
🙂
JS: I’m glad you could share that honesty with your mom. For some reason the LF system didn’t register my post the first time, and then told me I had already posted, but it didn’t show up. Sometimes I need to hear the same thing several times before I get it, and as we posters know, we may be writing so that WE will get our own message!
my ex-s/p/n’s mom — a close friend of mine — used to call him ‘dr. jekyl and mr. hyde.’ when she would do something he didn’t like, he’d throw a tantrum and trash her apartment, being sure to break or destroy something she loved. before she passed, she used to tell me that she was going to take her grandson (the son that the s/p/n didn’t see or pay child support for) and leave. of course he’s her son and she loved him dearly, but she was very aware of his underlying manipulations, cons and impulsive and destructive behaviors. she once apologized to me for ‘protecting’ him, knowing he often lied to me throughout the years. she would often tell me that the only way to deal with him was to NEVER listen to a word he said. sound advice which i wish i had taken.
I can trace the line of abusers on my mother’s maternal family all the way back to before 1850 (using family stories and court records) There are several murder/suicides, and many men who were abusive drunks, wife beaters…but all “good upstanding citizens.”
My mother’s maternal grandfather was an abusive drunk. Mom’s brother, that I call Uncle Monster, was a VERY abusive and violent drunk, that I also believe was bi-polar. He was acting violently by age 7 trying to smother his new baby sister when she was born up until he was age 14. He hated women in particular and held his x wife and his children and his mother at gunpoint in drunken rages that lasted for days on end.
My P-bio-father’s mother was at least a toxic N (everyone who knew her hated her guts) and my grandfather offered her half of his estate 3 days after marrying her for a divorce. Divorces weren’t easily obtainable in 1920s in Arkansas.
Her father was a Methodist circuit riding minister in Indian Territory (Oklahoma) born in 1860 and had at least 4-maybe 5– “wives” several at the same time (census records and family oral history) My GM was the second wife.
My P-bio father had me and my 3 half sibs, one of the half bros is apparently a P (worships my late bio-father) the other two are also NC with him (or were until his death) He was married 7 times, my mom was the 2nd, but only had children by 2. All of his sibs and half sibs were okay except one half sister who “had a mental break down” a couple of years after she finished medical school. I think it was schizophrenia but am not entirely sure. She was never able to practice medicine again and apparently was not in touch with reality.
My P-son also has a P-grandfather on his father’s side of the family. I know very little about the rest of the family past my x-ILs.
So my P son’s genetic pedigree of psychopathic genes is pretty complete. Almost all of these people were also very intellectually bright, and many were “successful” in business and the professions. For the most part, their family lives, inside the family were “hell on earth” for the participants.
Matt, what makes me “wonder” though is HOW WE got out of the genetic pool and didn’t get enough of the genes/environment to become Toxic Ns or Ps. Sometimes I think if I had known what I know now, I might have chosen to NOT have children. My son C says that he has NO plans to ever have biological children because the genetic pool in our family is so polluted with Ps. As much as I would love to have grandchildren, I am NOT pressuring him to marry and have children. My adoptive son D has been engaged three times, but thankfully before the wedding, one turned out to be a bi-polar anorexic (just like her mother who was also an N or a P, I’m not really sure which). OUt of her 4 sibs, only one is “normal” and he seems to be a nice young man. Fortunately, son D is a very bright young man and now aware of psychopaths and other personality disorders. He will I think choose a life mate with his head as well as his heart, as I think son C will again when he starts to date again.
I’ve finally come to the point that I feel good “by myself” and am no longer needy for a companion. Which is a big relief really as I don’t have to obsess about that any more. LOL