Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Never let someone confuse you!!!
That’s a huge red flag, just like the flattery and love-bombing that happens early in a lot of relationships.
As far as I am concerned, when someone is confusing and filled with contradiction, there’s a good chance their intentions could be sinister.
After I graduated college, I had brilliant salesmen as mentors to “teach me the ropes” in sales as I was just starting in my own career.
One of the golden rules of sales that they stressed to me was, “NEVER CONFUSE THE CUSTOMER!!! If you confuse the customer, they will walk away.” And they do.
This is a great rule, and it is something that I now apply to my personal life, as well as my professional life.
Rosa:
You are so right on…
“Never let someone confuse you”
It’s a balance thing….once we feel slightly off balance…..we will be falling down soon enough.
Life is generally NOT confusing…..as I look back on the people that I have been confused by…….WELL…..now I see how unhealthy they are.
Great reminder!!!!!
I know this question has been asked before….and by me too….but why do the SPs and Ns have the power to make us feel crazy? How can they turn it around so easily? Sometimes, like this moment, I feel so sick to my stomach and so very hopeless. I want to pick up that phone and dial that number or send that email that says “I love you – please help me make this right.”. Why do we have to fall in love where there is no chance of love? I feel like a crazy stalker wanting to see him in places…..even though I don’t intentionally follow him or drive by his home. Just the desire to go somewhere where he “might” be. To bump into him somewhere and have him rush to me and say “OMG….I miss you and love you!” “It’s all been such a very bad misunderstanding.”
Today I have things to do but I’m not doing any of them. I’m still in my pjs feeling sorry for myself. It’s been 2 1/2 wks NC and I’m so depressed.
This sounds so terribly horrible and DOES make me look crazy….but the one last thing I had of him….access to his phone bill (the only way I could ever know for sure if he was still with the OW – when he came crawling back to me), he took away. Changed the pw bc I guess he knew I was checking from time to time. And I TRIED really hard not to look – but when he came back to me, I wanted to know if he was lying and it was the only proof I had.
It’s the final tie I had to him and now it’s gone. I know I’m better for it bc I don’t need it anyway. But as we grew as one, he trusted me with things like these. And now it feels as if his final trust in me is gone.
And god, just reading what I’m writing sounds so stupid. Why do I even care if he “TRUSTS” me or not. He was NEVER trustworthy. He is where he needs to be….out of my life. But why do I feel like this? Will this nagging feeling ever go away?
oops, post interruptus!
i don’t think you sound crazy; just duped, caught and in pain.
and i think the feeling will change – over time and with some attention to whatever it is you need to do to come back to yourself.
all best
one step
Sarasims,
I once had a close friend who was like a sister to me. Not ever having had a real sister this relationship/bond was very important to me.
However she was an addict. I originally met her when she was clean but as many addicts do she drifted in and out of recovery. After several years this put a strain on our friendship. I had watched her rise and then fall again from her addictions so many times. It was like watching a slow suicide. She had been hospitalized several times. Towards the “end” of our realtionship I started putting up boundaries. She was currently hooked on the worst drug of all (for her)….Crack cocaine. I told her that I could no longer have a relationship with her as it was to painful as long as she continued doing drugs. She had sold EVERYTHING in her small apartment. (for crack) including her single bed. Her microwave, toaster, TV, radio, her CAR battery, everything that wans’t nailed down. The cupboards & fridge were bare, she hadn’t eaten in days. (I am told crack addicts don’t eat for days?) They are so obsessed with getting more crack, they don’t even feel hunger pains. She looked like DEATH. Once I witnessed this (her aprtment, her condition) I told her (after bringing her Mc donalds) Not to call me again unless she was clean. I couldn’t “watch it” any more.
She begged me to give her ten bucks. BEGGED. She had every justification, every single lie you could think of why if she did it “ONE more time” she would never do it again.
I took her to the mirror in the bathroom and said LOOK at YOURSELF. She couldn’t see what I saw……
I told her to look around her apartment. She had a crummy couch (she couldn’t sell) everything else was gone….She couldn’t grasp this. The very DRUG that she wanted to do “one more time” had done this to her. Every single time she did it she stepped one step further towards her own death.
NOTHING I said to her made sense to her. Her own crazy ramblings about not being addicted but just needing it one more time…..THAT made sense to her. Her excuses of what happened to all of her stuff….All of it was her obsession “talking”.
If I had given her money for the Mc Donalds instead of bringing her the food, the money would not have gone towards food. She wanted the money, not the food.
Leaving her apartment that day, with her in the state that she was in was a very difficult thing for me to do. I had witnessed several times with her how deep and obsessive addictions can be. sometimes I think I learned more from her about addictive behaviors than I did from the men I had been married to and lived in the same house with.
We can all look at the above story of my friend and know that she had a terrible addiction. But that is what addictions do. Lead us to not be able to see what others can see. The power addictions have over our thinking is unbelievable. I never saw it as clearly as that day with my friend.
Sara, that is what makes the “crazy thinking”….
What you ask about in your above post. That element of your being addicted to him. It is so much STRONGER than you think it is. It can control your thoughts. It can make a “crazy” thought seem like an ok thought. It can distort your senses. It is the inner conflict you are feeling right now.
Addiction vs Intellect.
Always go with the intellect. It will go away. But it needs time to get better. If you call him or have contact you go RIGHT back to square one.
witsend – I know what you say is correct. And it’s why I’m here fighting that incredible urge to reach out and try for something I once thought was real love. Something I once thought was “worth fighting for”. The last two times we were in contact, he forced it by telling me to leave him alone, but I did. I swore NC and stayed that way for 2 months each time until he contacted me. I can do it but it takes such extraordinary effort. And your right, every time it takes you back to square one. As we discussed last week, I know it’s an addiction and I know in my mind the distinction now between what I thought was and what REALLY was. But it hurts so badly some days to think I fell for it. To think “I wasn’t good enough”….even though I know that’s not really it. The reality is that he’s crazy and will never appreciate the wonderful things I could have shared with him. That I wanted to share bc I loved. I remember us once building that trust btw one another (or what I thought was trust)….it was such a wonderful feeling. To be so in love with every aspect of a person. That’s what hurts today….the loss of what I thought was real. I know that.
When you talk about your friend….I feel like that person. The addict that everyone has cut ties with because she just can’t get it and doesn’t want to help herself. So I thank you for your continued support bc just to talk really helps.
My intellect knows and I wont text, call or email. The longest I’ve been NC is 2 months (bc of him calling me). But I know the longer I go, the easier it will get. It just hurts like hell some days worse than others. I used to want him to call, just to prove a point. But I don’t anymore. I want him to fall off the face of the earth, to disappear into thin air. I don’t even drive through the town he lives in bc I don’t want to risk seeing him. It’s just my momentary lapses of weakness (in my mind) that hurt me so very badly.
Sarasims:
It’s the fantasy….OUR fantasy…..we want it all to just ‘go away’.
IT WON”T…..(if your with an S).
I watched a client who’s BF was hijacked by my S……
S split them apart, because with her on scene….S was less valuable…..
SO he planted seeds and got rid of her……her BF broke up with her…..and teh S slide right into her position in his life…..i’m sure….lover and all! (uuuggghhh!)…..
She called me and spilled her guts about the S…..told all…..then disappeared……she was in agony…..emotional pain, financially destroyed and just plain down.
I later found out that she got back together with her BF……and our next conversation was one of…..Oh, I ran into XX BF and we talked…..I got some closure….he siad he wasn’t mad at me…..we hugged and went our separate ways……
ACTUALLY……what had happened, was she got back with him (as she HAD to, he was rich and she was needing money) he took her to europe and she ‘pretended’ to me they were not together….I knew differently….
BUT my whole point is….she was so emotionally devastated, she didn’t have the strength to heal…..she took the ‘easier’ route and got back with him……and kept it secret due to all she informed me of.
It’s her fantasy that all will be well…….this BF is a cheater, a lier and a fake……..and for her to run from her emotional knowledge of him right back to him will not heal her pain….OH, it might in the interum…….but he will do it again and again…..and she will be right back in that emotional agony! Just delayed…..but it will be worse….because she will question why she went back!
We need to feel the pain, address the realities and walk through the fire……to heal.
It’s easier (seemingly) to want it all to be taken away by the s taking us back! (UUUGGGHHHH!!!)…….but it’s only a fantasy….OUR fantasy!
YES….SARASIMS…..IT DOES GET BETTER……give it time darling……educate yourself and see if you can drag yourself out of the house for a bit…..keep yourself busy and time and the work YOU do will heal your pain.
Dear Sara,
They have the POWER to “make us crazy” because WE GIVE THEM THAT POWER.
We ALLOW them to have control over our emotions, when we should and could and can take control ove rour emotions.
Let me give you an example. You are in line at a store, and the person behind you, that you have never seen before, taps you on the shoulder and says ‘You are a crazy b1atch!”
You look at them and think “What? Who are you, I dont’ even know you?” and you do not believe a word they say, no matter how terrible. It does not hurt your feelings. You do not accept it as truth.
However, if your beloved psychopath says the same thing, you ACCEPT IT AS TRUTH without another single thought! It HURTS.
So if you TAKE BACK their power to hurt you by realizing that they say these things INTENTIONALLY TO HURT YOU, and that they are LIARS, then you take back their ability to make you seem and feel “crazy.” KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, SO TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. Read the articles here until you go blind, absorb taht knowledge and turn it into POWER! (((HUGS))))
Sara,
Sweetie that is the worst part about ALL ADDICTIONS is they really are all being addicted to a fantasy.
The drug addict is addicted to the fantasy of the drug not the devistation the drug actually brings into their lives.
The gambling addict is addicted to the thought of his big win, but can’t see that he has lost his house, and bank account in the process.
Addictions cloud our vision. There is no doubt about it. That is why this strong feeling keeps urging you in a direction that you know is BAD.
Try to maybe reach out to someone again. Maybe your best friend. Don’t use this time to talk about “him” use this time to be with people you CARE about again.
When you need to talk about him, COME HERE…..We can be your friends for that and most everyone here “gets it” so it is even better than talking to people that don’t get it.
Hang in there…..I know you can do it!
back to talk about spathspeak in the written form.
to preface: the spath in my life was online an don phone. many characters, male and female, played by one woman.
main character, the one I, oh f**king christ, loved, we will call the ‘boy’. then there is the bf of the boy, and the boy’s 2 sisters who wrote me. i’ll leave the rest of them out of it. nasty emails came from the bf and one of the sisters. and the nasty was ALL about my pushing against the story. and the sp (sock puppet) who railed against me online after RD (resurection day of the not dead, didn’t exist boy – still with me? good.)
the boy was whiley and could be odd and a cool at times- def. manipulaive. the bf stuff was awful. here i was trying so hard to deal with the crazy of the bf, cause he had a lot of power in the story…and it was ALL her. ALL. all the nasty and sweet and concilatory was all HER…every f**king thing said to me was HER. HER HER HER.
I am not NC. I have someone watching her online. I think I am going to work with the woman who is suing her for fraud. I call her lawyer tomorrow. I will call the DA this week also. (please, i am def open to support around NC, but no lectures okay – I wanna stay here and i don’t want to hide what i am doing.)
I feel some bit of rage burning off. What do i really want? I can’t hurt her in any way – well, by that i mean, anything i might say or wish on her CAN’T be effective as SHE IS NOT NORMAL. SHE IS A SPATH.
I have a whole lot of hurt to work through – that’s my biggest challenge – that and the fact that my life is a f**king disaster zone.
But maybe we can slow her conning down. I think I want to explore the idea of a class action suit. she is in her late 50’s, been doing this according to another dupe – for 30 years. She IS very good at it. mostly i feel a lot of sad. and sad is good – the high of the feeling for revenge is not with me today, and i am thankful for feeling more grounded.
i read here, earlier today, that revenge fantasies light up the pleasure centers of our brains. i can attest to the. SHE, in the ‘my boy’ form lit up the pleasure centers of my brain. BIG TIME. I miss him. He never existed. he was her.
Over and over again I say, ‘he’ never existed. Mantra: ‘he’ never existed. to sya a mantra over and over makes the face of the buddha your own. Mantra: ‘he’ never existed. that loving, wasn’t. that friend, wasn’t, that laughing laughing so funny and smart boy, my ‘inverse mirror’, wasn’t. HE NEVER EXISTED. That gender bent doofus hipster NEVER EVER WAS. This is ONE hurt. And lately not the one at the top of the pile.
I endured his fake death and now the realizaion that he never existed. and at core today, the hurt of that is the 2nd death. thankfully there will be NO 2nd coming – i would hurt HER ass soooo bad if she came near me. SHE made him and SHE KILLED HIM.
IT WAS A MASSIVE TRICK AND A MASSIVE LIE. And THAT is he 2nd hurt. A MASSIVE TRICK and a MASSIVE lie. I remember thinking in the last few years that the thing i would find most humiliating (don’t know why i was having THAT conversation with myself…) was to BE TRICKED. HA!
Turnes out it isn’t the most humiliating…turns out letting my life go to sh*t, is. And i have to take responsibility for this (caveat coming…sure, you can hear them a ways off by now) BUT I THOUGHT I WAS CARING FOR A F**KING DYING FUCKING BOY.
I am a trusting open soul…made more so by everthing i have ever done to heal – 12 step, religion,. blah blah. I need to learn how to handle aholes. i need to suss them quick – i can sus a drunk or a drug addict at 200 paces and take a WIDE berth (‘cept i f**ked up with new landlord? i was vERY sick, maybe that’s why…don’t know).
Now, i need to learn the N and spath stuff and check people out before i open. IT IS SO NOT ME. I don not value ‘cool’ in people. I do not value closedness in people. I am a natural networker and yack yack yack.
i read someone’s post here about saying too much upfront- disclosing too much. I was a the college working and a guy made a remark and we chatted for a couple of minutes, and i was STRUCK by how much info I disclosed in a couple of MINUTES! It was like, holy f**k!
Okay – i see i wanna run from the idea of ‘closing down.’. i just gotta learn to identify these folks – the same way i learned about alcoholics and drug addicts.
i have one spath an N and a smll bag of addicts – and whatever the hell my father is. and i need to work through it all. I feel like if i can get to safer ground re housing and work, that I CAN work through this stuff.
On some level i feel kinda freed. And that there ARE tools that I can use.
all best,
one step