Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Gillian: What an extraordinary letter, and how courageous of you to share it. To both save it and share it.
Either A, he’s telling the truth and he’s a prince of a man, or B, he’s the same lying, cheating sob who had someone groomed to be his whole new game. I vote: B.
Now that we’ve disposed of that, how are you? How are you holding up? What are you doing for yourself? Are you OK?
gillian
There is a trick I learned when studying “Graphology”…
When ever you get a letter or email count the number of times the writer refers to I or Me or We. The higher the number of I or me will tell you what the letter or email is really all about. If there is a high number of I or me then the email/letter is all about that person and not about the person they wrote too…
James: That puts an interesting filter on the letter to Gillian.
Doesn’t it….. I know I use this trick all the time.
For those the didn’t destroy or throw out all those letter. If one has the time it’s kind of fun to look at them again with this in mind.
Also reading a book on Graphology will give points on what to look for whenever you get a “written” letter. You won’t believe the amount of information we give whenever we write a letter. And it’s better to have a few sample of their writing…
Rune,
I think that last episode of meeting her in Wal Mart cured me of EVER thinking I can manipulate her to stop sending money to P-son. ACCEPTING that there is NO way it will ever happen (giving up that malignant, impossible hope that I can out maneuver her or manipulate her) is freeing really, so I look at the encounter as a painful but worthwhile LEARNING OPPORTUNITY that will prevent further pain, anxiety etc on my part.
I think God (or the Universe) gives us “learning opportunities” when we need them and if we don’t “get it” then we have to REPEAT THE CLASS. I have obviously been a slow learner and have repeated whole semesters over and over but this was simply one small lesson, but I GOT IT THIS TIME, so now I can accept it, turn it over to God and move on, realizing that I can’t do a darned thing about it.
When I got to the point before the arrest of my DIL and the Trojan Horse Psychopath, I finally realized I was POWERLESS to effect anything positive, I ran like a rabbit to a hole, and then shortly thereafter THEY SELF DESTRUCTED. I think partly because they didn’t have a “common enemy” to work against and if the TH-P couldn’t find me (to kill me) he wasn’t wanting to hang around for months or years waiting, so they made different plans, which landed them in jail.
Sometimes, the best response is to “give’m enough rope to hang themselves” and stand back or sit back and let them do it. I’m at that point with my mother and my son, let them hang themselves if that is what they are intent on doing. I can’t fix the problem, but will make contingency plans to attack her sanity and his “undue influence” after her death to at least DELAY him getting money if not stop it. I’ve got copies of enough letters from him to her that show his “undue influence” as well as the letters from him to the Trojan Horse outlining their plots and plans, as well as my son C’s testimony about some of their plots (he didn’t know them all).
I am not a patient person, but I am learning to be patient, and realize I don’t have to have all problems fixed TODAY, some can wait til tomorrow or the next day or next year. Learning to not worry and sweat and stew about the future has been a difficult lesson and I’m still only making a C- but I am getting there and hope to at least get a B+ at some time. LOL In the past I was FLUNKING patience classes completely.
James, that’s a good “trick” but I think it should be called an OBSERVATION.
On another blog I used to post on there was a gal there who was soooo FUNNY. She would take a letter like the above one and “Translate it” from Psychopath into ENGLISH. LOL She was great!
Let me see if I can do it, it won’t be as funny as hers, but you will get the idea and I bet there are some folks here that can take it and RUN with a “translation.”
“My dearest Gillian,
“I don’t know where to start. (Yes I do but I am not going to say so)
I want you to know I know the depth of your pain. (And I love it that I have done this to you.)
I hear it, I feel it, I hate what I’ve done to you. TO US! It hurts to see how bad you hurt. I understand why you can’t trust me and I hope that someday you will see how much I regret what I have done. (I’m trying for a fake empathy here, to try to get you to trust me again so I can shove it in your face. The general “apologetic” statement still leaves me without accepting responsibility for a darned thing. I’m also trying to give you some “hope” that I have changed, you always fell for that in the past and I think you will again.)
“I’ve been depressed and really wish I could make it up to you. I can’t keep hurting you like this. (a pity play about how depressed I am)
“The problem is I will never be able to say the things you need me to say. (I have no intention of being nice to you)
I don’t think you could ever forgive me unless you hear what you need to. Even if I tell you that which you need to know, I still don’t think you will ever trust or forgive me. That is a place neither of us wants to be. (prove to me that you will pity me and that you will trust me again and then I can lower the hammer on you again.)
“The fighting must stop. It will destroy us both. (I’m losing here now, so we have to quit this so I can win again)
“I know if you could forgive me, the trust still won’t be there. (more general P-speak to try to get you to reengage to prove me wrong, which will hook you back in again)
“If I could earn your trust and forgiveness our lives could be restored. I don’t know how to do that from here. Do you think it possible? Could it be possible if I were home where you could see change? (Look, bitch I can’t abuse you from a distance, you need to let me come back so I can get a better swing at you)
“I think it possible but not from afar. (let me get close again and I will show you who is boss)
I feel, for the sake of the family, you should let me come home and prove myself. (If you don’t let me come home, YOU are the one breaking up the family, don’t you feel guilty now?)
I don’t say I’ve made a complete transformation; (don’t expect miracles, Bitch)
I have much work to do but you won’t be able to see it unless you see me. Could you do this? (Ah come on and let me back close to you so I can manipulate things, this trying to manipulate by letters sucks)
“I want to come home. (see this is the point of this letter)
I miss you. I miss my family. (I have no one to abuse now and I’m bored and lonesome)
You don’t know how much I love you. (Thank God you don’t really know the truth. )
You don’t know, even with all I’ve done, how blessed we have been to find each other. And you don’t know how tragic I think it is that we should ever part. (Look I am getting tired of coming up with these pity-ploy phrases, but if I come up with enough of them you will fall for it again, Idiot”
“I ask that you consider carefully what I have said, know that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Losing you would be a shame. (I may never find another sucker like you again and I have to have someone to depend on to be my victim)
We are so good together. (You are the perfect foil for my abuse)
“Please don’t let my mistakes cost us our family. (see if YOU don’t take me back you are costing the family)
I know you could be glad we found each other again. (We will go right back to the way we were, but in the meantime I will hold out another carrot for you)
Let God’s plan work for us as a couple. Our family will benefit greatly and I know you won’t regret it. (Another pity ploy, bringing God into it to make you think I am sincere)
“But we both regret things as they are, accusing, fighting, suspecting, hurting, doubting, missing each other without a solution. (Yea I don’t have anyone to abuse and it is the pits, I do miss the power I felt when I lied to you, etc. and it is the pits.)
“Forgive me please Gill, or let me go. Send me away or summon me to you, but either way move forward. Don’t look back lest you regret your choice. (How noble that one sounds, don’t ya think? So self sacrificing of me)
“I’d rather spend the rest of my life making it up to you than live my life without you. (how self effacing of me, this one ought to reel her back in!”)
“Love always, ____________”
2007, the eve of my birthday. He got drunk, blacked out, and spent the entire night yelling at me. It was horrible. He would think half a sentence and say the rest; expecting me to respond. I was screwed if I did say something, and screwed if I didn’t. It was absolutely horrible. I’ve actually blocked most of the night out.
I had been trying to study (I realize now that even though he was the “big man, Mr Generous” and paid for my courses; he didn’t actually like the competition for my time), and finally asked him why he was being such a jerk.
He grabbed a pencil and scrawled across a piece of paper, “You f**king jerk” and eventually passed out at about 3 AM.
N woke up in the morning and acted like everything was fine, until he saw the note on the table.
“Oh Jesus! What did I do?” he asked. He knew it was bad, but he doesn’t remember it.
That day was Easter, and we were to be at his brothers for dinner…Gee, I didn’t want to go. I was emotionally drained.
He lied and told his brother and wife that I was “sick”, and came home with a card for me.
Printed front:
“So like there was this guy in line at the coffee shop and he’s all like hitting on the Barista and saying how some DUMB band he saw at some DUMB bar was like, “THE BEST LIVE PERFORMANCE” he had ever seen, and the Barista she’s all giggling a FAKE giggle, and all I could think was Thank God I don’t have to FAKE giggle anymore, and Thank God I don’t have to talk to DUMB guys about DUMB bands anymore, and Thank God my weekends aren’t about DUMB BARS anymore, and just Thank God my life is about YOU and about US and about STUFF that’s a whole lot different, and a lot less DUMB.”
Printed inside:
…just wanted you to know.
Happy Birthday with love”
He wrote inside:
“I DO love you!! I’m sorry that I have issues and you have to be on the receiving end.”
Happy freaking birthday, eh? We had only been living together for three months.
Yeesh! If a gal were paranoid…All of a sudden the words “DUMB”, “FAKE”, and “THE BEST LIVE PERFORMANCE”, all in CAPS are jumping off the page at me!
Whoa!
Heh! Ox, I love the translation! I wish mine had written more, but he had a hard enough time with speech.
Nice translation, Oxy. Regarding patience, I decided at one point that if I ran into a string of red lights when I was desperately hurrying to get somewhere, that God might be giving me opportunities to PRACTICE PATIENCE! When I began looking at those red lights as that sort of a joke, I seemed to hit a lot fewer red lights, and sail through a lot more green. These recurring lessons are the pits, though!
I’m glad you’re learning to protect yourself better, and can give yourself permission to stay away from the toxic pond.
I don’t have the twisted sense of humor to make the “translations” really REALLY funny. My sense of humor is TWISTED, but not enough to be really funny very often.
The best ones I come out with are spontaneous and are very rare. My P-son, however, was GREAT with frequent spontaneous “one liners” that would roll you on the floor and make you choke and wet yourself.
My son C has some horrible puns that are always funny, and does them spontaneously or brings out an old one at just the RIGHT moment.
My son D is pretty good, but when he comes up with a REALLY original one it is enough to choke you andyou can’t breathe for laughing. Usually they are punch lines to the “family jokes”—we have told and retold the same jokes so often we can “speak” in punch lines to jokes that don’t make any sense to anyone else in the room but make us ROLL. It’s almost like a private language!
When my husband was alive and we usually had a house full of people who were witty and bright it was a constant stream of laughter and good humored “carrying on” as well as good discussions and conversation. Son D and I just the two of us, even with occasional friends over didn’t keep it up all the time, but with Son C home, it seems to be a never ending stream of good conversations, bad puns and good company.
I enjoy the college age friends of my son D from his Boy Scout group and his bio-sister’s college group. She’s going to school only 35 miles from us. Don’t see her often enough, but enjoy her when she comes and her bright friends too. It gives me hope for the “next generation” to listen to them. The brightest of the bright!
PB, yep you are so right about the “dumb, fake, live performance” that’s what they give us! LOL
Oxy, that was truly freaking wonderful. Translation from sociopath-speak ought to be one of the tools we teach here.
I was just going over some old letters and notes to work on my new post, and I ran into something he said to me in one of our in-between episodes. (When he was still sucking off me, but we weren’t living together and we weren’t a couple.”
He called me to announce that he was going to Belize for a research project. But just in case anything happened to him, he wanted me to know that I loved him.
At the time, I totally immersed in the struggle to get over him, and I was touched by the uncharacteristic sentiment.
It took me about a week to figure out that what he really was saying, “I’ll let you know if I get in trouble. Of course, you’ll bail me out.”