Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Humans are “herd” animals and we do better when we are in a group, feel more secure, enjoy company with each other. Even the most hardened criminals though, when put in solitary confinement hate it—though my P son says that he actually LIKES it (I don’t believe him)—I think possibly because the Ps do worse in solitary than other “normal” people. Normal people may suffer in solitary but at least they are in there with a “human being” whereas the P is ALONE in there, with only themselves and no audience. They are unable to influence their environment, pull a con, or anything else, and I think that is the ULTIMATE punishment for them. (just my little theory here)
I know I wouldn’t like solitary, especially if I was without sunlight (I’m solar powered) but I think I could entertain myself somewhat by meditating and dreaming and thinking, rereading in my head various stories or “writing” stories or remembering things. But I think the Ps are so dependent on others for NS that it must be very difficult for them.
I do agree…..knowing a little about Myers Briggs and other personality assessments, those of us who are extraverted get our energy form others. If I am put in an office all day with no form of communication or contact with others I would be exhausted by the end of the day. Introverts are the opposite. If forced to work with people and constant stimulation THEY are exhausted because they get energy from thinging their own thoughts internally.
I can see how the S/P needs others or some form of communication……. otherwise the anger would build with no one to control and manipulate or punish.
Rune,
Sorry to take so long to respond to what you wrote. I went to bed right after I posted the letter and am just now getting back on the computer.
Much has happened since my ex wrote that letter. (And, yes, the correct answer is “B.”) Two months later–in February, 2007–he admitted he was involved with someone new. He admitted this new relationship because he was afraid I would eff it up as I pretty much had his relationship with the woman–I’ll refer to her as “K”– he originally planned to leave me for.
The thing is, even though his new girlfriend (who he married in October) got him a cell phone on her cell-phone plan, he still had the cell phone he had on *our* cell-phone plan, and continued to use it until that phone contract expired in August of last year.
So I could see all the calls and text messages he was making and receiving. And, believe it or not, he was calling as many as 6 different women in one day (including K!). Even after telling me of his “undying devotion” to his new girlfriend! Here’s the pertinent parts of that phone conversation:
Him: “Gill, I’ve met someone new.”
Me: “Do you love her?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Do you want to marry her?”
Him: “I do.”
Me: “You think you can be faithful to her when you’ve never been faithful to anyone else?”
Him: “With all my heart.”
At the time he was (and as a matter of fact still is) going to AA meetings all over the place, using it as his personal trout farm so to speak, as well as carrying on with some of the women he worked with. (And most of these people to this day would probably vouch for him, swear he’s such a great guy.)
From time to time I would confront him with the women’s names and, although he’d then lay low for a few days, invariably he’d start back up again. One time–middle of February–I found a receipt in his car (we were still married and he didn’t know I had a key, hehehe) for condoms he had bought two weeks prior, the night before he had an endoscopy, a procedure for which he asked me to accompany him so that–as he put it–I could ask him anything while he was under the influence of anesthesia and there was no way he could lie even if he wanted to. Uh huh. I found the receipt when dropping off some of his clothes while he was at work. I decided not to confront him with it but, instead, to stick it on his rear view mirror where he would see it first thing upon getting into his car (hehehe).
That was a pivotal point because up until then, other than the time (6 months prior) he confessed to an affair with the woman he originally planned to leave me for (after she dumped him and he knew he could never come home unless he at least fessed up to an affair (and not just “an affair of the heart” as he later, when she took him back, changed his story to), it was deny, deny, deny all the way. Gas-lighting me like crazy. Trying to make me think it was all in my head. Which was the worst torture because, even though I was 99% sure he was lying, the fact that he was so adamant and sounded so bloody sincere made me sometimes wonder: Is it just me?
Anyway, after he confessed to his new relationship with his new gf, I basically told him he stole 18 years of his life and he better come clean or I would expose him to his new gf, and he knew I meant it.
So he confessed. Not everything, I’m sure, but a lot. At the end he confessed that, during our years together, on average he had sex with women other than me anywhere from 1-2 to 5-6 times a week. And I know this is no exaggeration. I can see it from the phone bills. (And not just recent ones, but old ones, ones I had saved for taxes but never scrutinized at the time.)
He is now re-married. To his new gf, er, victim. And I’m happy to say I can now ponder that relationship without feeling any personal pain. She may think she’s lucky–and I’m sure she does–but I know the truth. She is living a nightmare and she has no clue. He is such a masterful deceiver (I only ever found anything out because of the wildest of flukes) there is a good chance she will never know the truth. And there’s no point in me trying to tell her. She absolutely wouldn’t believe me. He’s already got her and her entire family convinced I am a lunatic. And that his 18 year old daughter doesn’t want to have anything to do with him because I have “turned her against him.”
Our divorce was final end of September, and I can say it’s been just the past month or two I can contemplate him without the pain and anguish of missing him. I so believed in him. He had me–and our entire family for that matter–completely bamboozled. I thought I would never lose this man in any way other than death.
So it’s been a huge turnaround for me. It’s as if I was brainwashed for 18 years and have now been de-programmed–a long and intensive experience that, as most people know here, is not always supported by friends and family who think we should quickly move on.
Another issue for me is that my youngest left home for college (800 miles away) this past August so I am also having to deal with an empty nest. It’s been very difficult, although I can say I’m doing better than I ever expected. For a long time, the thought of being completely alone filled me with abject terror.
I have a pretty good support system. Several very close friends who have been wonderful through all this, listening to me endlessly yammer on.
My mom lives near the beach and I spend a lot of time at her house (in fact I’m there right now) and go for lots of long–sometimes over 10 miles–walks. Very therapeutic.
I do a lot of writing. I have a couple of blogs. One a MySpace blog, the other more personal. I also intend to write a book, and hence still have many of my ex’s letters and cards.
In my initial angst, I got rid of a few of them and, since then, I’ve gotten rid of almost all photographs of him. I have a few on the computer, in their own album, labeled: The Psychopath, all of which, someday, I for sure will get rid of.
Someday I will get rid of every single last thing. When I am ready. Don’t know exactly when that will be. Throughout all this I have learned to lean on my instincts. And when I do, I will burn them in my wood stove, as I have done with most things I’ve gotten rid of so far.
I go for hours at a time now without thinking of my ex. Have yet to go a full day, but I know that day will come. For months and months he was all I thought of every waking moment. It was crazy, insane. How I survived all that is a miracle. Especially the driving. Driving with barely any attention on the road. And hardly caring.
I am lonely. Not all the time; I feel like I have enough friends. But it is not the same as having that one person to come home to or to have come home at night..
Oxdrover,
Thanks for the translation. You gave me quite a few laughs.
The thing is, my ex didn’t really want to come home. He just wanted to make it *look* like he did so he wouldn’t be seen as the culprit in the demise of our marriage. (He had a lot more people than just me bamboozled.) Hence his convoluted efforts to get me to be the one to end things.
So it’s even all the more twisted than it appears. It’s a double psychopath twist. A psychopathic half-gainer with a twist. Or something like that.
Gillian:
“For a long time, the thought of being completely alone filled me with abject terror.”
It’s funny. I hate being alone. I’m one of those people who has always like having people around. Never minded if people drop by unexpectedly. Yet, during my 15 month so-called relationship with S, I never felt more alone.
I want someone to come home to at night. I want someone to build a life and a future together with. But, I now see that everything I said I wanted and that he agreed he wanted was a sham. All that time and energy I expended trying to make something work that was based on a lie from the word go.
Wow, this is a great post. My x was a nationally-ranked debater in college. He is also a con artist and histrionic, among other things. So he wrote very complimentary and flowing notes, cards and letters. I had no clue.
Unfortunately, my kids may receive cards like the above card one day. Or maybe the dynamics are different between father and sons. We’ll see.
This post mentions the “correct interpretation” of the words written on the card sent by the P/S. Isn’t it difficult being one of the few people in our lives that now can correctly interpret the actions and words of the p/s in our lives? The rest of the world–in my case, parents of my kids’ friends, teammates, band mates, etc.—have no idea of what he’s really like. That’s difficult for me to negiotiate. I don’t want to whine or “warn” others (they wouldn’t believe me anyway). But it just doesn’t feel good. Maybe it adds to my isolation.
The xs should have stolen stock in Hallmark. (Notice I didn’t say BUY). He was always buying these sappy, full of emotion cards- sometimes without an ocassion attached, “just because.” Something about those cards bothered me when we were together. After we weren’t, those cards made me nauseous. At the first court ordered visitation, (he was charged with 3 counts of predatory type sexual abuse) he storms towards me in the parking lot, angrily shaking his head (I knew that meant I was stupid/wrong/crazy etc. and he was disgusted with me.) During the “visit,” he snuck a bday card for me in the baby’s diaper bag. He’d taken (again, notice I did not say BUY) from his mother’s bible store, and it bore some scripture of some sort- I don’t remember that part. What I do remember was he signed it, From ALL of us, because we ALL love you VERY much. ::shudder:: Creep.
Most people thought I was crazy to object to “such a nice card.” My mother, my best friend, and the detective from my daughter’s case all saw it for what it was.
Every other occasion, the xs took cards from his mother’s bible store and wrote LOVE in big letters to our sons. (Like the infant had any idea- most 6mos read, right?) He’d ignore the older child, despite the child following him around begging for his attention while he showed off the baby trophy. The older child being rejected over and over and over. It was heart-wrenching to watch. Then he’d end the visits with telling the boy “I love you so much buddy, bunches and bunches, I do. Be good for your mom” Gack.
The xs is in prison- and because of his crimes it appears that he cannot contact the children. Thank God. I have a few uninterrupted years to attempt to prepare them for a life where an s will seek them out. Show up out of the blue. Ply their trade on them. Use the word love as a club. I hope I am a “good enough parent” that they will have the boundaries I didn’t to protect themselves from a most monstrous of a creature.
OxDrover
You are right it’s really a observation not a trick.. Thanks for pointing that out.
Nice way to dissect the letter from Gillian because when I read it I too saw a lot of “pity ploy” in his writing. Again the letter wasn’t really about Gillian it was for the writer. That is why there were a majority of reference to I or Me…
Dr. Leedom said” “You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true……This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, ……. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.”
IMO this Father is trying to rewrite history, implant wonderful memories that never happened (gaslighting her), planting pictures of what a wonderful father/daughter relationship should be like (complete with picture perfect images he is giving her that makes it sound like he values all those special little moments from her childhood), and instill a sense of GUILT and OBLIGATION in Gem that she should value him in turn. I think in his mind she is an ADULT now, going off to college and that will equal in the near future great benefits for him = possible good job with INCOME and RESIDENCE of her own for him to go mooch off of in the future. I think he is probably thinking, gosh darn, when I come up for parole it will help me if I have a daughter to tell the parole board I can go live with, and when I get out of the slammer I’m gonna need SOMEONE to help my broke homeless ass out and feed me and make sure I am taken care of. And he is trying to manipulate Gem into being that “someone”.
I would also like to say how much I appreciate the work Dr Leedom and Sandra Brown did in “Women Who Love Psychopaths” and the other research they are doing into the lives (sort of behind the scenes looks) into the lives of those who have lived with and loved psychopaths, independent of the obvious “public crimes” the sociopath or psychopath has committed.
I, personally, think the ball is really beginning to roll on getting much needed research into the effects on victims, plus in the long run I think this research into victims will also give mental health professionals a much better rounded picture of the psychopath themselves and how they operate.