Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
All, good observations on this subject!
While most people will give them the benefit of the doubt or fall prey to their “words” while ignoring their actions, WE at least are able to TRANSLATE what the messages REALLY are.
My son C and I received cards (initiated by my mother no doubt at all) from the little old ladies in the small church she attends (and that we used to attend) telling us how much THEY love us and how much THEY would love for us to come back to worship with them. Each of the little old ladies signed the cards and then one of them mailed the cards to us.
I Know that they didn’t just spontaneously decide after nearly 2 years of no contact to initiate these cards, but that my mother asked them to, so it would make us feel guilty for not going there to church were we were so “loved” by these sweet and sincere little old ladies who have known me my entire life. She used these women and their sincere love for us to try to lay a guilt trip on my son C and me for NC-ing her.
There is no doubt in my mind that these women have a great deal of affection for me, but at the same time, I know that my mother is using every “tool” in her kit to try to lure us back into her WEB. I am also sure that she is playing the “abandoned” sainted mother/grandmother for their sympathy and pity and as a smear against my character for “abandoning” her in her old age.
Rarely, I will encounter one of these sweet ladies in the community and they invariably ask me how she is doing (as if I would know) and I answer truthfully that I have no idea and that I am NC with her as long as she continues to lie to me about sending money to my P-son, which is endangering my life and safety, and pointing out that she didn’t listen to me when I told her about the Trojan Horse psychopath or about my X-DIL-P. they usually say, “Well, yes, they did have her fooled didn’t they?” and I say, “yes and her refusal to listen to me endangered son C’s life, and nearly got him killed, and her refusall to listen to me now may also get us killed.”
I know that they dont “know what to think” but I am no longer willing to LIE to them, and since she has included them in her lie telling (to smear me) I at least feel “justified” in telling the truth in a calm and rational manner without any anger in my voice etc. or as the old TV Detective” Joe Friday” used to say, “Just the FACTS, mam.”
Maybe it would be better to adhere to the JADE RULE (Do not JUSTIFY, ARGUE, DEFEND OR EXPLAIN) but the way I am doing it for now at least seems to be working. If I run into these people again they don’t ask again about my mom. LOL
What they believe doesn’t really matter to me, and I can’t control it anyway. At least this way it shuts them up about it.
keeping_faith,
I notice you mentioned the Myers Briggs personality ratings. This reminds me of something I’ve been wondering ever since I read “Women Who Love Psychopaths.”
I’ve always considered myself an introvert, and consistently test that way. With the Meyers Briggs assessment, I test as an INFJ. INFJs, I have read, are often mistaken for extraverts.
Does anyone have any thoughts on the Myers Briggs in particular, and on us as introverts vs. extraverts here on this board? I’m just curious. It seems to me that a tendency to introspection (and the ability to be alone) might be a big factor in who recovers and who does not.
tood, not sure how it relates to recovery in theses instances or any kind of emotional recovery. the I and E in Myers Briggs are about where we get energy from. so I would think in most circumstances an I would be likely to get energy around the subject, or issue, or concern by thinking things through. it ma be less likely they would reach out to anyone to talk it through based on preference. if they do talk it though, more than likely they would prefer one on one rather than a group discussion.
with an E, if I were expected to never discuss the issues or concerns it would exhaust me to have to think it through alone.
I am an ENTJ and have been told that I “appear” to be mor like an I . (i don’t talk a lot) but my E in Myers Briggs is very strong.
Tood and Keeping_faith,
I’m glad you are bringing Myers Briggs again. This is something I have wondered about too. I mentioned it once before but no one picked up on it. I have wondered where those who find themselves entangled with N/S/P types would fall on the spectrum of Myers-Briggs typology.
I test most of the time as an INFJ too. “Introvert” can cover a broad range as can the term extrovert.
I have wondered also where N/P/S types fall on the same spectrum………or S types in particular since that is what we discuss here most of the time.
I have wondered about sensitivity too. How many victims are sensitive personalities, and whether or not s-types are sensitive. By sensitive I don’t necessarily mean thin-skinned and unable to take the normal bumps and bruises that happen with human interaction. I mean deeper, more thoughtful, more intuitive, and perhaps more creative.
Thanks for answering. The whole subject of personality and what makes us “us” has fascinated me for as long as I can remember. (I could have done without the firsthand lessons in psychopathy, however.)
My youngest daughter and I have discussed this very issue just this week–she simply must have a certain amount of time out amongst people. I, on the other hand, simply must have a certain amount of time alone to function well.
In my case, my ability to be alone was also one of the reasons the S/P was able to ply his trade for so long undetected. I was a stay-at-home mom in a rural setting who went to town once or twice or a month to buy groceries. I was perfectly happy to spend my days alone cooking, cleaning and gardening, while he went off to “earn the living.”
Well, each personality type has its pros and cons, eh?
And to bring this back to the thread topic: I had a visitor today in my office. An old flame of my P father’s. He’s been dead for about 40 years now, and she STILL likes to talk about him. How handsome, how exciting, how wonderful. My mother, although she says that my P father is the only person she KNOWS will burn in hell if there is a hell, also rhapsodizes about him to this very day. Says he is the only man she will ever love (and she says this in front of her current husband!).
The P spell is strong, so continued congratulations to those of us who have broken free and are far out of the fog.
In response to the article:
How about this one for examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances”
After finding out he is HIV positive and confronted him, he said this in an email:
“I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to intentionally or unitenionally hurt you. You know that’s not me. You know who I am……”
That’s just one example. He was full of ‘shit’ like this.
And I should this is also after he allowed me to make a potentional fatal mistake – having unprotected sex.
And I dont need a lecture on that by the way…I know my responsiblity in this……..
The point is…..he was good at getting me to trust him. I would NEVER have thought he could allow me to make that kind of mistake…..
So, was it INTENTIONAL or UNINTENIONAL?
Remember what he said….(see previous post)
that statement was a lie. It had to be one or the other!
Eye,
In response to your question on Myers-Briggs, I have a couple of thoughts beyond what was suggested about extroverted personalities in the research on women who love sociopaths.
One is that I think that sociopaths are more “sensing” and we are more “intuitive.” Sensing people pick up the physical vibrations that are communicated through body energy. Intuitive people are more sensitive to higher level emotional vibrations. Sensors are often found in the selling professions, because they read physical signals very accurately. Intuitors are more geared to reacting to what’s wrong on the emotional plane, and more inclined to fix it. So they are more likely to be healers.
On the thinking/feeling continium, sociopaths would be off the chart on the thinking side. One of my conclusions about dealing with my sociopath (and why I always came out the loser, no matter how tough-minded I attempted to be) is that his advantage was always thinking, while I moved between thinking and feeling. In other words, while I was feeling, he was thinking. He was always reading what was going on in coldly rational terms related to whether or not he was getting what he wanted, now or in the future.
The research on women who get involved with sociopath pointed out that we are feeling types. That is, empathy is part of our normal internal environment. To understand the disadvantage that creates for us (and why you have to think like a sociopath to deal with a sociopath), see the previous paragraph. Even if we are right in the middle of the thinker/feeler continuum (which I am), we are at a disadvantage if we are distracted by any empathy at all.
Finally, in the judger/perciever continuum, it helps to really understand what perceiving is. That is, we look at the larger picture to understand causes — the forces and influences that make a current situation what it is. Perceivers are relativists.
Judgers see things in terms of black and white, yes or no, good or bad. Sociopaths are judgers to the extent that they are working on their private objectives. (Which is what matters to us.) That doesn’t mean they aren’t intellectually curious. They may be able to discuss all kinds of subtleties from an intellectual basis. But their emotional system is geared to black and white. Win or lose. More power or less power. Bored or exciting. Need or don’t need.
Perceivers have to work hard to think that way. Their inclination is to seek understanding, and to operate within that understanding to make incremental adjustments in the larger picture to make things come out better.
So an ENFP would a perfect “match” for a sociopath. But on the feeling/thinking or judging perceiving continuums, all we probably have to be is more feeling or more perceiving than them, which is almost everyone. An encounter with someone who is extremely weighted to one side of a continuum can also cause polarize us to the opposite position on that continuum.
For example, I found myself becoming more of a feeler than I ordinarily am in my relationship with the sociopath, because I was the only one doing empathy in that relationship and found myself filling in the gaps for feelings he wasn’t having. That played out in my feeling compassion for service people he abused, and trying to educate him about the potential damage he was doing. I also suspected that I was a surrogate “feeler” or emotional mule for him in terms of feeling grief and loss for him, because he had blocked himself from those feelings. And that he got some kind of emotional relief from causing me to feel that way. Another good reason to have relationships with people who can feel for themselves.
In another profiling tool, Brain Technologies’ BrainMaph, this would be someone who is heavily skewed as a right-brain/forebrain type — “us” oriented and a holistic, long-term thinker. Based on my experience with the BrainMap, I started consciously trying to develop my judging capability, because it’s an important tool of survival.
We can be too understanding for our own good. Perceptiveness is wonderful for gathering information to understand what’s happening. But yes/no thinking is a good thing when it comes to taking care of ourselves.
KH,
“Judgers see things in terms of black and white, yes or no, good or bad. ”
I have never read that description of the “J” preference. It comes across as very rigid and inflexible, which I don’t find accurate.
The link below gives a good description of the “J” preference and stresses….”Remember, in type language, judging means “preferring to make decisions;” it does not mean “judgmental” in the sense of constantly making negative evaluations about people and events.
http://www.knowyourtype.com/judging.html
When translating a vision into achieving an actual goal, the “j” preference can be quite desirable because a “J” will plan, stick to a schedule, and finish what they start.
Eye,
That’s good feedback. It’s not what I intended to convey. The evaluations may be positive as well as negative. The “preferring to make decisions” is pretty much what I meant, as well the the additional material you put at the end of your letter.
As I said, I’ve tried to get more J into my strong P temperament, because planning, sticking to a schedule and finishing things are weaknesses with me, because I’m always out in the ozone considering everything.
But to do that, I have to become a yes/no kind of person. Does this work? Does this help? Will this get me from A to B. This does include “no” answers, but on the way to finding the “yes” ones.
I also think that this trait was one of the major things that attracted me to my sociopath. He was focused, he planned, he discarded what didn’t fit into his plans, and he got things done. I was attracted to that, and I wanted to understand the mindframe that made that possible.
That learning was difficult for me, because at the time I had a crippling vulnerability to negative feedback. And I got a lot of that from him, both in words and actions. So I was learning in a condition of pain, which took a lot of inner resources to manage.
Later, I figured out what should have been obvious. That pursuit of personal objectives costs something in terms of personal relationships. I could continue to be everything to everyone, or I could be effective in pursuing personal goals. Beyond that, being centered in my own values, point of view and visions for the future was going to make me unattractive or maybe even threatening to some people, who didn’t like or agree with what I was projecting. That meant I was going to have to deal with more negative feedback, and perhaps even personal enemies who were in a position to place obstacles in my path.
So, to move myself toward J on the P/J continuum, I was going to have to accept those losses and difficult realites in favor of gaining something else. Which is a kind of J decision. All those relationships that I had to “pay” for, by being what people wanted me to be, were consuming attention and energy I could be applying to getting my own life’s work done. So on a case by case basis, I decided and continue to decide whether or not relationships are valuable to me in terms of the objectives closest to my heart.
I’ve found it truly amazing to discover how making these decisions feels. Like I’m taking control of my life, and investing energy more wisely. More “yes” and “no” decisions.
I’m not sure if this too isn’t obvious, but I also came to see that a key reason I got in trouble with the sociopath was my tendency to “hang out” in perceiving all the forces and causes, rather than judging what supported me and didn’t. If this was a more prominent feature of my temperament, I think I would have judged and exited the relationship quite early.