Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
With regard to Myers Briggs…..it is very easy for people to stereotype. There is no right or wrong when it comes to type. MBTI Type is simply an indicator of preference when it comes to where we get our energy, how we process information, how we make decisions and how we view the outer world. It is quite fluid and one of the things taught in the certification is to be very careful to stereotype. One of the first things we teach groups is to NOT use this as an indicator of personality disorder. It simply is not an indicator. It was not meant to be used for the purpose of evaluating personality issues or disorders.
THe assessment was used mostly during WW II to try to indicate the kind of indiviual who would be best suited for factory production work. It was started by Carl Jung and the Myers Briggs team took it over and added to and improved the assessment. It answers more of a question of why we may communicate in a particular way rather than why someone behaves in a way that is so disturbing.
We are capable of altering our preferences for a period of time but when under stress, we will more likely revert to our “preferred” way of doing things. When it comes to a disordered individual this is not an assessment to use. They are pathalogical liars and could appear to anyone of us to be anything at any time. Their MBTI may be more fluid than most if anything, but I would not count on a S/P being any particular type using MBTI.
The E/I is about energy and whether we get it from others or from our own internal thoughts.
The N/S is about processing info. Do you use your gut and think in terms of possibility or are you sensing meaning you want solid fact to process using your past as an indicator?
The T/F is about decision making. Is a decision made with rational thought and unbiased or is it made in consideration of other’s feelings?
The J/P continuum was added by Myers and Briggs and is about how we view the world. Do you have to get your work done before you play or can you play anytime?
The thing that struck me about the letter to Gillian is how he kept trying to blame her. For example: “I don’t think you could ever forgive me unless you hear what you need to. Even if I tell you that which you need to know, I still don’t think you will ever trust or forgive me.” That is saying SHE is the problem. Same with “Forgive me please Gill, or let me go. Send me away or summon me to you, but either way move forward.”…..like he is Mr. Goodbar, she is the one with the problem of not “moving forward”. It is amazing how in every interaction they blame us and expect us to take on the shame that belongs to THEM, not US.
KH,
I have to think about your last post to me and sort out what you are saying.
I think we can move around or change the preferences among the types depending on circumstances we are facing.
There is no right or wrong about typology. These are simply preferences based on personality type.
Many people think I am an “E” because I am friendly by nature, —or I used to be before I became older and wiser! HA! “E” arm-twisters want me to take on and do all sorts of things that extroverts would love! They try to elect me to things and all that! Ugh! Not my cup of tea! I want to hide under the sofa with my cat for two weeks at the thought of it! So, I don’t think I will ever change much about that preference, but I suppose it is possible to change or develop other preferences and use them when needed.
For example, I’ve had to deal with a lot of overwhelming things for many years. They came on one after another. In order to get through it, I’m sure I had to move into some other preferences, particularly “T”.
For anyone interested in what we are talking about, it is possible to find free Myer-Briggs personality inventory tests on the internet and find out your type! It is very interesting and I think it might be something very important to consider in our discussions on this site.
What personality types are more vulnerable to N/S/P types, and more likely to become hooked? If we know our type, we might be able to compensate and overcome vulnerabilities to some extent. I know this is not the sum total of what makes anyone vulnerable, but it could be a contributing factor for some more than others.
Like a typical I/N, I will go back an give your post more thought, Kathleen.
Eye,
You are correct. You can’t always know what “type someone is by simply watching them speak or observing. I had a manager who was like “chatty Cathy” when we worked one on one. In a larger group he was not likely to respond or speak up unless you said “Tom, what are you thinking, or Tom, think about that and give me your answer after a break.” He is an extreme intorvert on the assessment.
My E score was a 30 the first time I took it (which is the highest) and during the certification, the class told me they thought I was an I because I hardly speak up. I don’t have to be the one talking. I like being around people and around the discussion. I WILL speak up if I feel strongly about something. We do an I/E exercise in the class where we separate I’s and E’s and tell them to plan the ideal New Year’s Eve. It always is consistent. The I’s want an intimate dinner for two or close family and friends and may even be in bed before midnight. The E’s have music alcoho, big party, the more the merrier.
The least likely letter to change is the second…..which is the S/N or how we process. it’s also the least obvious.
The last time I did the assessment my T was a 1, which is borderline. But still a T. Remeber with MBTI the score is not a measurement of traits because it is too fluid. I may score a 1 today and a 15 tomorrow, but it will probably still be a T.
Does that make sense?
There are other assessments that are more analytical and provide more of a “valid” measurement. i work with one tool that is called the BIG FIVE WORKPLACE. It measures Extraversion, Introversion and they also believe you can be soewhere in the middle or an Ambivert. I DOES actually measure various personalit traits. I love that tool.
Sorry this is what I do for work and it really interest me so I am on a roll.
Also, I think our vulnerability to the S/P doesn’t come from our preference in communication or process or conscientiousness or decision ability. I think it may come from somewhere deeper like hopes, dreams, disappointments, where we are at a particular moment in time when we encounter the S/P, and maybe our belief system and boundaries and how intact they are. It may even have something to do with our physical health and vulnerability there.
I think the S knows how to manipulate and appeal to the goodness and weakness in all/any of us. I think they study us. They prtray themselves like chameleons in a manner that is appealing to us and then go for the jugular.
Dodged_A_Bullet:
It was intentional, him getting you to trust him. If he didn’t get you to trust him, he couldn’t have made you the source of supply you became to him.
I can relate well to the crap you’re putting up with. My ex-S was the master of using the “truth” and then dumping a whole truckload of “truth” on me. I still beat myself up because I’m a criminal defense attorney and I still fell for the so-called “truth” my S — an ex-con — sold me.
The truth shall set you free, or so they say. The only thing the truth set free was his justification to go off and do whatever the hell he wanted which had the objective of hurting me. I kept trying to believe and trying to believe what he was telling or selling me until even I couldn’t buy it anymore.
Although I live in a big city, the gaybeighborhood is still small. I’m no longer willing to let him run me off from my usual haunts. Initially, I had to — I was way too vulnerable. Enough time has passed that he no longer gets to me in public like he did.
That said, because I can read him like a book at this point, if I walk into a bar, or an event, or the gym or any place else that I frequented long before him, and I see him, I try to take a quick read of him before I see him. If I detect he’s brewing for a scene, I leave. It’s not worth another moment of psychic damage to go to that place.
Eye and KF,
I’ve worked with Myers Briggs for years, though I have no official training on it. (I’ve read the books, used it for group dynamic analyses, reviewed it against similar instruments.) My preference is the BrainMap because it clearly links the four measurement factors with brain function and incorporates more information that I find useful. I have been trained and certified by the originators at Brain Technologies. But Myers Briggs is better known among four-part instruments, and there is a lot of information freely available.
As usual with me, my description and interpretation have become idiosyncratic. I’m an iconoclast. It’s all been filtered through my ongoing synthesis of it and everything else I can fit in my brain.
The word “preference” seems inaccurate to me, if that means a choice among things that are equal. I think that our preference in this sense is based on both inborn temperament and fairly deep-seated personality traits.
My personal experience supports the idea that we may shift back and forth on the continuums. But in my life, that has largely been in response to surroundings. If I’m dealing with someone who is much more feeling than me, I tend to fill in as the thinking one. And vice versa.
Mostly I’m the most perceptive person in the room, but occasionally I’ve found myself yanking someone who seemed dangerously out in P’ville back to earth with some hard questions that required yes or no answers. (I say P’ville affectionately, because I spend most of my time out there observing and learning, and have to work really hard to get myself grounded in practical life structure. Owning my own business forced me to get grounded, because its survival and the salaries of my employees depended on me getting more J.)
So my experience is that I may reactively shift preferences based on what’s needed or missing in a situation. (Up to a point. I’m not much of a sensor under any circumstances.)
But my experience is also that in a vaccuum I have a certain set point that is natural to me. And despite my best efforts to shift that set point, my scores stay pretty much the same as they were 20 years ago. And that is true, despite the major work on character (values) change I’ve done over the last five years. I assumed that would change my profile; it didn’t.
I’m certified in NLP, and I am fascinated by the way certain learning styles are associated with personality characteristics. I’m auditory for information intake and process visually. That auditory characteristic is, from my observations, associated with people who “lead” with emotions and use logic as a back-up decisioning tool. But the visual thinking is often associated with people who are emotionally disconnected and tend toward abstraction.
Neither of these things is particularly changeable in me. I can input visually, but it tires me. As far as processing goes, I am in a kind of information tension — uncomfortable with what disparate facts — until I develop a visual map. My work involves frequent learning of whole new areas of information. I live with a visual cloud of unconnected information until I start finding (visual) patterns in it. Once I create an architecture that fits the facts, I’m unlikely to change it. Occasionally, totally contrary facts turn up that force me to throw the whole thing in the air again. Something I hate and love.
The visual thinking is shared by my siblings, who are all mechanically inclined, and my father who was a builder. I’m the only professional intellectual, but I still operate with the same traits. This could be genetic or environmental training, but I think it’s related to the emotional and cognitive similarities which put us into the ADHD/Aspergers/OCD diagnostic range.
And I think that all of this can be linked back to diagnostic instruments like Myers-Briggs and the BrainMap. Because neurological research today is finding more and more evidence of the relationship of brain function to personality in the sense of neurological wiring that is partly genetic (temperament) and partly the result of programmed training or reaction to certain emotional challenges (personality).
I think it is meaningful that as ENFP I am viscerally attracted to STJ’s. Which keeps me playing to my strengths, but also puts us both in our respective ghettos, because it makes it hard to switch roles. Frankly, I think that another NFP would be better for me. It would give us more of an opportunity to play around with who’s doing what today. I suspect I’ve missed some wonderful relationship opportunities because they just don’t register with the foundations of my personality structure.
I read in some Buddhist writing that personality is reactivity-based, a result of unresolved historical drama If we resolve the drama, the personality fades away. I’m not sure exactly where this fits in here, except it seems related to KF’s comment about the attraction of the sociopath not be about personality but circumstance.
Maybe life stressors, as you say, can make us revert to some kind of more-than-usually reactive structure. Or a state where our most deep-seated stress or trauma-management tools are surfacing, and that creates a bigger area where we’re “hookable.” At the time I met mine, I was feeling completely overwhelmed and looking for someone who was really incisive, rational and goal-oriented to help me see through it. Not necessarily romantically, but my business partner who had begun drinking again was also my significant other.
Looking back at it now, I was ready for a Superman. And when he came on like a freight train, I didn’t blink, though I would have felt suffocated at other times, when my need wasn’t so great.
The pattern wasn’t different from my typical relationship pattern, but my super-sized need and super-sized tolerance were. Thanks for that observation. I hadn’t considered it.
In today’s New York Times was an article entitled “The Talented Mr Madoff” by Julie Creswell and Landon Thomas. The article was fascinating and had some great quotes by experts in sociopathy. I’m going to try to summarize the high points of the article:
“To some, Bernard L. Madoff was an affable, charismatic man who moved comfortably among power brokers on Wall Street and in Washington, a winning financier who had all the toys: the penthouse partment in Manhattan, the shares in two private jets, the yacht moored off the French Riviera.
Although hardly a household name, he secured a longstanding role as an elder statesman on Wall Street, allowing him to land on important boards and commissions where his opinions helped shape securitie regulations.; Along the way, he snared a coveted spot as thechairman of a major stack exchange, Nasdaq.
And his emplyees say he treated them like family.
There was of course, another side to Mr Madoff who is 70. Reclusive, at times standoffish and aloof, this Bernie rarely rubbed elbows in Manhattan’s cocktail circuit or at Palm Beach balls. This Bernie was quiet, controlled and closely attuned to his image, down to the most minute details.
…
While he managed billions of dollars for individuls and foundations, he shunned one-on-one meetngs with most of his investors, wrapping himself in an Oz-like aura, making him even more desirable to those seeking access.
So who was the reakl Bernie Madoff? And what could have driven him to choreograph a $50 billion Ponzi scheme to which he is said to haved confessed?
An easy answer is that Mr Madoff was a charlatan of epic proportions, a greedy manipulator so hungry to accumulate wealth that he did not care whom he hurt to get what he wanted.
But some analysts say that a more completx and layerd observation of his actions involves linking the world of white-collar finance to the world of serial criminals.
They wonder whether good old Bernie Madoff might have stolen simply for the fun of it, exploiting every relationship in his life for decades while studiously manipulating financial regulators.
‘Some of the characteristics you see in psychopaths are lying, manipulation, the ability to deceive, feelings of grandiosity and callusness toward their victims,” sahys Gregg O. McCrary, a former special agent with the FBI who spent years constructing criminal behavioral profiles.
Mr McCrary cautions that he neer met Mr Madoff, so he can’t make a diagnosis, but he says Mr Madoff appears to share many of the destructive traits typically seen in a psychopath. That is why, he says, so may who came into contact with Mr Madoff have been left reeling and in confusion about his moties.
‘People like him become sort of like chameleons. They are very good at impression management,’ Mr McCrary says. ‘They manage the impression you receive of them. They know what people want, and they give it to them.’
…
‘He was very smart in understanding very early on that the more involved you were with regulators, you could shape regulation,”…’But if we find out that the Ponzi scheme goes back that far, then he was doing something much smarter. If you’re very close with regulators, they’re not gong to be looking over your shoulders that much. Very smart.’
…
‘He appeard to believe in family, loyalty and honesty,’ said one former Madoff employee. ‘Never in your wildest imagination would you think he was a fraudster.’
…
Mr Madoff’s confidence reminds j. Reid Meloy, a forensic psychologist of criminals he has studied.
‘Typically, people with psychopathic personalities don’t fear getting caught,’ explains Dr Meloy, author of a 1988 textbook ‘The Psychopathic Mind.” ‘They tend to be very narcissistic with a strong sense of entitlement.’
All of which has led some forensic psychologists to see some similarities between him and serial killers like Ted Bundy. They say that whereas Mr Bundy murdered people, Mr Madoff murdered wallets, bank acocunts and people’s sense of financial trust and security.
Like Mr Bundy Mr Madoff used a sharp mind and an affable demeanor to crate a persona that didn’t exist, according to this view, and lulled his victims into a false sense of security. Andwhen publicly accused, he seemed to showno remorse.
…
To some extent, analysts of criminal behavior say, defning Mr Madoff is complicated by te wide variety of possible explanations for hsi scheme: a desire to accumulate vast wealth, a need to dominate others and a need to prove that he was smarter than everyone else. That was shown, they say, in an ability todupe investors and regulators for years.
Like theformer FBI agent Mr McCrary, Dr Meloy cautions that he hasnot met Mr Madoff and can’t make a clinical diagnosis. Nevertheless, he says individuals with psychopathic personalities tend to strongly believe tat they’re special.
‘The beleive ‘I’m above the law’ and they believe they cannot be caught, Dr Meloy says. ‘But the Achilles’ heel of the psychopath is his sense of impunity. That is eventually, what will bring him down.’
He says it makes complete sense that Mr Madoff wold hve courted regulators, even if he rant the risk of exposing his own actions by doing so.
‘In a scheme like this, it’s very important to keep those who could threaten you very close to you,’ Dr Meloy explains. ‘You want to develop them as allies and shape how they go about their business and their attitudes toward you.’
INDEED, if it is showwn that Mr Madoff fooled regulators for decades, that would have been a ‘heady intoxicating’ experience andwuld have fueled a sense of entitlement and grandiosity, Mr McCrary says.
…
That’s why Mr McCrary says it’s ot far-fetched to compare Mr Madoff to serial killers.
‘With Serial killers, they have control over the life or death of people,’ Mr McCrary explains. ‘They’re playing God. That’s the grandiosity coming through. The sense of being superior. Madoff is getting the same thing. He’s playing financial god, ruining these people and taking their money.'”
After reading this article, and in particular the excerpts above, I found myself rattled. Most everyone on this site, myself included has alluded to the wild-card personality of the sociopath in that we never know what they’re going to do next. And there’s always that unspoken “he hasn’t been violent — yet.”
Reading the similarities between a “run-of-the-mill” sociopath like Madoff and a serial killer like Bundy gives me pause. And it makes me realize we’re all wise to always keep our guard up and steer clear of our ex-Ss whenever possible.
Matt – I don’t go to the club’s often, my X was never very social, if he is at a club it is to hustle a pool player or throw some dart’s, both things bore me too tears. I have avoided going out because I dont want to see him with his new dart partner. I also dont go out because there are so many more just like himwaiting on guy’s just like me. But I do miss the cowboy’s and two steppin and just being around ‘family’.. The last time I came across him at a bar he came up to me and said” I will always love you” real pitiful like and then said he was going to another club to play pool. I am just takin a break from the whole thing for awhile, gettin my chit together, setting some boundaries. Has been almost a year now and I am not anxiety ridden or in that fog. I like what Kathleen says, if I see him I will not look him in the eye, I will just focus on his teeth that I paid for…
Matt – thanks. Gayboorhood is small in this big city too.
I’ve been beating myself up the past day or so because I let him get to me the other nite when I ran into him in a bar. I normally dont make eye contact, but this time because of the timing and positioning I did…and he took that a ran……strutted up to me and when passed, turned and looked at me and gave me the evil smirk. I was furious. I didnt do anything….but I think by the look on my face he knew he got me. I was mad all nite and had bad dreams about him……was in a funk all day yesterday…Im better today…….I just try not to think about the evil smirk……it’s so distrubing this HIV ass can do that….and act the way he does…….