Well, let me say it outright: Donna Andersen’s latest book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, is hands-down the best book I’ve ever read on the subject of who sociopaths are, everything you need to know about them, and everything you need to know to reduce your risk of being violated by them.
What a riveting book this is. I had a seriously hard putting it down, and never did for long. Andersen intermixes comprehensive information about every aspect of the sociopath’s tendencies and modus operandi, with countless fascinating, concise case examples of sociopaths exhibiting their behaviors—that is, showing exactly what they look like—and how their victims experience their transgressions.
At the heart of this fantastic book are Andersen’s ten “red flag” signs that you are involved with a sociopath. The signs she identifies are spot-on, and explained and developed with her usual unmatched clarity and captivating narrative skills.
It’s no exaggeration, nor is it grandiose, to say that reading this book will make of you an “expert” about sociopaths—it’s really that comprehensively informative. But again, the book’s greater accomplishment is to arm you with every applicable tool and insight available to identify the sociopath and jettison him or her from your life, before he or she upends yours.
By now we know that Donna Andersen knows sociopaths as intimately and completely as anyone out there; my personal view is that she writes about them, and educates about them, as she does in this, her newest, spellbinding book, like no one out there.
Clair, I agree. Between the lies we are told every day and our own need to feel safe in the world, it’s very difficult to see the truth.
Ironically, it’s that very need to feel safe which puts us in danger because we closed our eyes!!
exactly, skylar. So, then it’s ultimately about finding that balance bet our need to feel safe in the world vs. danger due to eyes wide shut. And, it’s all very hard to do. But, do it we must.
We have lots of discussions about people who lie in my house, after my relationship with my ex-spath nearly killed me (depression). We talk about it all the time. What is evil? What is a sociopath? How does it affect us? How we need to run, not walk, far far away. My children absolutely get it. And I’m here still feeling like I got kicked in the gut. It was right there in front of my eyes and I didn’t see it. Wouldn’t see it. Preferred fantasy. I know I have to let this go. I am getting better and better at letting it go. But what a lesson I have learned.
Athena
Skylar wrote:
Yeah, maybe we need another book called:
Denial: The red flags of love fraud and why you’re too stupid to see them!
I just laughed so quick and hard I peed myself! Geez!!!! This is the book I needed. And more seriously our denial of The Truly Bad is what destroys us.
Too me the REAL grief was around the loss of the cluster of beliefs that let me BE in denial. Oxy, and others’, have listed them well. But here are a few:
1. All people are, deep down, good.
2. All problems are BOTH persons responsibility (50/50).
3. Everyone, ultimately, wants to be loved.
4. Everyone can be healed.
These beliefs kept me firmly in denial, always turning the other cheek, and always believing that things were ‘going wrong’ because I wasn’t trying hard enough to make them go right.
slimone,
sorry you peed! lol! 😉
Your list is exactly my problem. And even the knowledge is not enough. I still feel stuck in the beliefs – which are different from the knowledge. it causes cog/diss.
Jesus did explain the problem, I think.
Then He explained it:
I think I fell along the path…and the spath came and stole what was in my heart because I didn’t understand.
skylar:
Wow, very powerful post and because it’s from the Bible, I love it even more. So insightful…almost beyond words. THANK YOU.
Slimone,
You are so right, we don’t want to give up those core beliefs. Those beliefs keep us “safe” in the world. They comfort us when we are down, they lift us up….they are MAGIC, they are wonderful………. they are WRONG!!!!!!
Slimone, denial is very powerful and it is part of my own shame-core. If I live in denial, then whomever is the spath will “like” me and so forth. Good heavens, but I surely don’t want to risk Approval, Acceptance, or Love, do I? That’s why denial is such a strong fork in my craw – I know that I am loveable (not cuddly “loveable,” but a being who is deserving of genuine love) and valuable on an academic level. But, for me, academia takes a back seat (or, has in the past) to truth.
Once again, I’ll refer to what my counselor told me that has become a personal mantra, lately: Feelings are NOT Facts. SO, if someone causes me to “FEEL” as if I’m not worthy of love or that I somehow fall short of their mark, then peace-out, I’m done.
I used to want everyone to “like” me. It was very important that I accept everyone as they were and gave them the “benefit of the doubt.” I felt that my acceptance and tolerance would be reciprocated by others – if I was accepting of THEM, surely they would be accepting of ME. This is simply not true. Today, I don’t go out of my way to get people to like me. I don’t have the time or energy for that, anymore. If I’m accepted, great. If I’m rejected, great. It’s ME that needs to approve of myself and accept myself, not someone else.
The spaths worked on those needs of mine to be accepted and liked, I think. Today, I’ll walk away from someone in a nanosecond without one ounce of regret – how I feel is not usually what IS, and I’m going to try to avoid wasting any more of my energy to sort it out in their favor.
OxD…..yes! Those beliefs had become so ingrained that they were almost a physical appendage for me. It’s like pointing at a my forearm and saying, “See this? This here is my Trust – it’s out there for everyone until you do something to harm it. If you scratch it, I won’t let you near it, again.” What utter rubbish! Today, nobody can see or touch my Trust – it’s hidden and guarded. Heck, I don’t even know where my Trust is hidden!
Trusting ourselves to keep our selves safe is important. In the past WE let ourselves down by allowing ourselves to trust others when that trust was betrayed.
In the wild animals do NOT trust others (though herd animals trust their own kind) they live in a state of vigilance in which they are aware of their environment. We also must live in a state of caution and vigilance, but NOT HYPER-VIGILANCE. After we have first been injured we become hyper-vigilant but that will wear off with time as we began to trust ourselves.
Donna Anderson is a genuine, caring person who took time to answer questions and discuss my particular situation with my son, who I knew clearly from toddlerhood had serious problems. She talked about a spectrum of socio- & psyco-pathy that I had not heard explained so clearly before. That one fact helped me tremendously in resetting my perspective for the long haul, as I can’t just “jettison” blood; I have seperated myself from him and have to watch from afar the havoc he causes, and pray and hope.
To this end, I would really like to encourage a book from the perspective of family: what to look for at an early age; what strategies/general food/play,eat,sleep schedules work best for youngsters; what medical/therapy options might be available; how to effectively discipline, instruct, and guide the child away, as much as is possible, from antisocial behaviors/attitudes; what to say/do if child/relative is a teenager/young adult who’s been able to “fly under the radar undetected” thus far; and lastly, general guidance/advice for those of us dealing with adult relatives (especially the trickier, closer ones like parent/child, brother/sister, etc.).
Firmly believing that being proactive is way better than cleaning up afterwards, I really feel this is one of the major “missing links” that needs to be fully addressed and widely distributed to as many people as possible. I don’t know if this is an area of expertise for you, Donna, but if it’s within your scope I strongly encourage you to at least consider it.
Thanks again for your invaluable help. Looking forward to finding out if you think it’s doable (and if it’s not you, maybe you know someone who is both qualified and willing).