Well, let me say it outright: Donna Andersen’s latest book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, is hands-down the best book I’ve ever read on the subject of who sociopaths are, everything you need to know about them, and everything you need to know to reduce your risk of being violated by them.
What a riveting book this is. I had a seriously hard putting it down, and never did for long. Andersen intermixes comprehensive information about every aspect of the sociopath’s tendencies and modus operandi, with countless fascinating, concise case examples of sociopaths exhibiting their behaviors—that is, showing exactly what they look like—and how their victims experience their transgressions.
At the heart of this fantastic book are Andersen’s ten “red flag” signs that you are involved with a sociopath. The signs she identifies are spot-on, and explained and developed with her usual unmatched clarity and captivating narrative skills.
It’s no exaggeration, nor is it grandiose, to say that reading this book will make of you an “expert” about sociopaths—it’s really that comprehensively informative. But again, the book’s greater accomplishment is to arm you with every applicable tool and insight available to identify the sociopath and jettison him or her from your life, before he or she upends yours.
By now we know that Donna Andersen knows sociopaths as intimately and completely as anyone out there; my personal view is that she writes about them, and educates about them, as she does in this, her newest, spellbinding book, like no one out there.
Donna,
Just looked in bookstore and found “Just like his father”; as it looks like it covers the periods of early childhood to teens that takes care of one big part of my earlier post, but I still would like to see something about the adult side of parental/sibling/family relationships with sociopaths and how to effectively deal with them. As more unfortunate murders at the hands of family members are being reported (in the news and on TV programs like 20/20, “Who the Bleep did I Marry?”, etc.), I sometimes wonder if I’ll meet my end at the hands of my son, should he ever find himself at the end of his rope and desperate, since he already blames me for most of his problems…
Dear Motherofamutha,
Oh, my goodness do I love your screenname!!! I am the mother of a MUTHA too…he is in prison for murder these last 20 years, but he didn’t want to be written out of the family will so he sent someone to murder me….
I’ve read Dr. Leedom’s book, and she is convinced that the genetics can be sometimes overcome with parenting and teaching the child at a young age to have empathy.
In some cases, possibly. In some cases, probably nothing would help.
My father was a psychopath, I am not, but one of my 3 half sibs is, and one of my sons is “just like his grandfather” and my father (I call him my P sperm donor as he never actually “fathered” me or cared for me or earned the title of FATHER) anyway, his mother was from what I can tell a psychopath and her father as well, before that I don’t have any family history except names.
My son blames me for all his problems as well, when he was 17 and used my car (which he had stolen) to haul the loot he got from robbing my friend’s business…I turned him in to the cops. Later, when he murdered a young woman, Jessica Witt in 1992 when he was 20, that was my fault too, though I knew nothing about her or the reason he murdered her at the time.
I have written reams of text here on this blog over the last 5 years concerning my son…I am Joyce Alexander, and you can find my e mail under my name on “Love Fraud Authors” if you’d like to contact me off the blog.
As for not “jettisoning” blood….well, you might want to re-think about that stance…in my case, it almost cost me my life and from the last sentence you posted above….I think you have thought about that very thing yourself. God bless.
Ox Drover:
I am speechless. Sounds like a tremendous amount of pain and negativity to overcome.
Thank you for your kindness in reaching out to me 😀
Joyce (I hope you don’t mind)
I clicked your name under “LF Authors” and it took me straight to a listing of your blogs (some of which I intend to read ASAP); I couldn’t find anything with your email tho!
Dear Mother of a mutha,
We are NOT alone here, there are many other parents of psychopaths here, MiLo is one, and many others. Unfortunately we either had it in our own genes, or we had a child with someone who had it in his, or adopted one.
It has been known for decades that adopted children don’t on a whole turn out as well as “natural” children. Back in the days when it was thought that children were born blank slates on which environment wrote, it was put down to “the child feels abandoned by his natural parents so he acts out” No, he acts out because his natural parents were in prison or other problems and he inherited the genetics and even with a good parental and home base, s/he still became a problem person.
We weren’t perfect parents, but we did the best we could, and I don’t blame myself because my son became a psychopathic killer. He made choices. He is to blame for his behavior. He could control it but he chooses not to. He is not excused by genetics any more than a man who has alcoholism and gets drunk and kills someone gets off because he was drunk when he did it. He had a choice not to drink. My son had a choice not to murder. (which he had planned days in advance and even told people about his plans)
Knowledge is power, and we all need to take back our power! Hang around and read, Mother of a mutha! There’s lots of good stuff here to help you cope with this mess. god bless.
Mother of a mutha – wow – what a name. Dr. Leedom’s book “Just Like His Father?” is the only one I know of that addresses what to do with at-risk children.
If a family member grows up to be a sociopath, then everything on this blog about dealing with sociopaths applies. There is no difference because the person is a family member.
We do hope to produce more books to address these concerns, however. There is much information to be gathered and conveyed.
There are a few differences, Donna, but you’re right, not in the sense of what you’re up against or dealing with from the P.
The differences lie with the observers/other people.
If you’re not a blood relative of the P(s,) observers/other people have no problem with you getting rid of the SOBs. In fact, they’ll often encourage you to do just that. Dump them. Why do you associate with those people? Why don’t you get better friends?
If you are a blood relative of the P(s,) then you are pressured to make up with them, forgive them, get over it, “re-establish” family harmony, love them because they’re family, mend the discord, stop being the holdout etc.
Also, because they are blood relatives (the Ps,) people will often assume that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” and if you’re coming from the same environment as the P(your family of origin,) then you must be just like the P or equally dysfunctional in some way.
You couldn’t possibly see things or act differently than your family of origin or the P. How many people talk about the families of Ps being victims? No, it’s “the whole family is screwed up.”
In particular, if your family of P(s) does something to you, the assumption is often that they know you better and that you must have done something to deserve this treatment from your family. Your family knows you best.
I think an individual who is not a blood relative of P who is victimized gets much more understanding, sympathy, support, and help than anyone who is a blood relative of a P.
It’s a double-whammy for victims who are also blood relatives of Ps.
Dear Mother of a mutha
It is oxdrover1946 at g mail dot com….it should be listed there under my bio. and picture.
I have thought several times about writing a book and targeting the audience who are parents/relatives/spouses of inmates in prison.
The “system” HIGHLY AND HEAVILY ENCOURAGES families to be “supportive of” and visit the inmates and take them back into their homes when they get out. They quote all these STATISTICS that show that inmates who have families do better on the outside.
Well, “statistics” can “prove” anything…a man with one foot on a red hot stove and one on a block of ice is STATISTICALLY COMFORTABLE.
Only 40% of inmates complete their paroles without a new felony that puts them back in the hands of the law.
In Arkansas an “ex” convict is NEVER busted on a technical problem with his parole, he or she must commit a new crime, and they know that so they tell their PO to fark off and do what they want to, knowing they will not be returned to prison for flunking a drug test or not showing up for a visit with their PO.
The JC Dugard deal where her abductor’s parole officers showed up at the house but never went in and she was there for nearly 2 decades and his PO didn’t know it. DUH????
25% of all inmates are psychopaths according to Robert Hare’s PCL-R check list and score 30 or above on that test. The AVERAGe rate (meaning that half score higher than 22, and half lower means that at least half the psychopaths are pretty darn close to being psychopaths. If you chart the scores on the bell curve, MOST PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE VERY HIGH IN PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS and it is only the RARE individual who is truly going to “repent” and learn from prison and stay the heck out of trouble when he gets out so while it may be HELPFUL TO THE SYSTEM to have the families take them into their homes (and cheaper for the system) it is not going to be helpful to the families to have this person high in P traits back in their home….as my husband’s niece found out when she took in my poor son Patrick after his first two years in jail because “his mother was too harsh and didn’t understand him, poor baby” well he was only at her house 5 months before he killed a girl….she really showed me what care and concern for him would do, huh?
I have several people in my community that I know who have psychopathic sons in prison right now, and I’ve known these men since they were kids, and I have no doubt that they are psychopaths, but their mommies and daddies are not going to give up on their blood sons. Just got to keep on Praying because God can do anything! So there is not a chance in hades that I will reach either of these families with my message of “your son is a psychopath and there is no hope for him.” They do NOT want to hear it. They can’t hear it. The system, their churches and their emotions are against what I have to say to them. I feel like “John the Baptist, crying in the wilderness…repent and go no contact, for your sons are psychopaths!”
Skylar. Great post. The way i see it, we are the sowers. We spread seeds of joy and happiness and love. If it takes root, its because of the conditions of the seed. It has nothing to do with the sower.
Slimone. Yeah sister.
I too honestly believed all people are good.
Jokes on me!
When i first met my spath i realized he didnt trust me. I couldnt understand why. I wrote so many emails about it. I learned now the trusthworthy people trust people, and the reverse is also true.
I was duped.