By Fannie LeFlore, MS,LPC
Since she founded Lovefraud.com in 2005, Donna Andersen has heard heartbreaking and horrendous stories from people across the globe who’ve been victimized by sociopaths. Her new book does what we’d hope parents and schools do on a routine basis: Better prepare people for the complexities of real-life relationships and social interactions, whether business, romantic, family or friends. This requires, as uneasy as it may make us feel, acknowledging that some human beings simply are not interested in being decent, but actually seek to cause harm to others as a way of life.
Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath, released in Spring 2012 by Andersen’s publishing company in New Jersey, goes where few books go in calling interpersonal abuse the evil it really is, and is backed up by Andersen’s extensive research combined with the depth of personal knowledge from having experienced a sociopathic ex-partner, first-hand. The book’s examples from diverse people who completed Lovefraud.com surveys explore the human degradation, pain, confusion and loss caused by exploitation, deceit and manipulation within personal relationships. The stories of those victimized by sociopaths show just how far people can go in attempting to destroy the lives of others, often on multiple levels, far beyond the norm of what we think when defining dysfunctional relationships.
As hard a pill for many to swallow, Andersen makes it clear that extricating oneself from a relationship with a sociopath is the only path to recovery and healing, despite how tempting it can be to buy into fairy tales that love can help anyone grow and change for the better. As many who’ve suffered severe harm know all too well, this kind of hope may not be based in reality, since not all people are willing to honestly face and work on their issues. Less known is how false hope can also disable those who are victimized, clouding their thinking and preventing them from becoming clear about the need to let go of a damaging relationship and take responsibility for taking care of themselves.
That’s also why, as a mental health professional, I appreciate Andersen venturing into brave new territory by issuing a clear challenge to the mental health establishment to make sociopathy fully known as the serious personality disorder it is. Sociopathy reflects a deep level of moral insanity that is most evident among those who focus primarily on controlling others, beyond reason, without regard for consequences, without regard for reality.
For every sociopath out there, multiple lives are at risk physically, mentally and spiritually in large part because the general public has a Hollywood-sanitized perspective, with misleading stereotypes and sound-bites that provide only surface awareness of sociopaths.
Andersen’s book offers far more than mainstream media provides, in very clear language and terms that demonstrate visceral understanding of the depth of depravity among the human predators who are hard to identify simply because they look like the rest of us.
Fannie LeFlore, MS,LPC, is a psychotherapist who served as editor of “The Road Less Traveled and Beyond,” by the late M. Scott Peck, MD. Contact: fannie@leflorecommunications.com.
Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath is available now exclusively in the Lovefraud Store.
Ox;
I would like to think that and perhaps only living in large cities skews one’s perspective, but given that gays cluster in urban areas, I think the toxic ones in the city far outnumber the normal ones in the country.
Plus, with all the links between left handedness, autism, adhd and homoseuxality, I gotta make the leap to sociopathy…
STDs are one thing, but even when HIV was far less treatable, barebacking continued. And so many are unrepentant.
BBE,
Sorry, but I’m very critical of SATs and their results, especially because most of the schooling done in HS is tailored to the SATS. So, the education is biased towards SATs.
In my country the majority of kids who pass exams are girls over boys. They perform overall better. And our type of education is biased in that it sutis girls more than boys, whether it’s sciences (physics and math) or languages. So they perform better in HS, but after 18 in college, women are a minority in numbers in sciences such as physics and math and engineering. Both statistical effects are because of cultural bias. Obvously the girls would be perfectly capable of succeeding in getting masters in physics, math and engineering, since they win over the boys in HS on those subjects. But women are hardly ever suggested or urged to study hard science, and instead culturally steered towards job-studies outside of hard science.
What you apply your mind too makes your mind for a great deal. Of course there are talents and a potential of what a mind can do maximally. But within that potential a brain can be molded by what its trained in. Spacial math wasn’t my forte as a teen, nor was electronics (the latter was boring to me and I didn’t believe I could understand it). I studied to get a master in industrial design nonetheless, where I had to make models based on ideas in my head and had to put on paper. I have no problem whatsoever now understanding space math. I did a “brain gender” test on the BBCwebsite just a couple of months ago (words, numbers, turned objects, etc)… I scored the female average on the language part, but I scored 100% on the space part (seeing an example object, and finding its twin turned in space). It was actually the sole part of the test I scored 100%. And this is because my mind was trained to do this. As for electronics… Just a couple of years ago I knew I was fully able to understand it if I just applied my mind to it. Heck, I even had to teach it already. I found it actually very simple, not difficult at all. But when I think of the electronics related to jobs my mind automatically conjures men doing those jobs. The depth and the impact of cultural gender thinking is underestimated a lot. Gender expectations are so ingrained in our daily lives, in our education, in depictions, in how and what we communicate that it’s nearly impossible for our children to escape from it.
The test was case in point… the culturally biased neurological findings on gender were openly used to determine whether my mind was ‘male’ or ‘female’, thereby enforcing gender thinking on what a test person’s minds are supposed to be good at. It hardly even bothered me much, until I thought about it again today. A good book to understand how deep some prejudices are ingrained in ourselves and shape our minds is the book ‘Blink’.
Overall that those tests and scans prove is that the brain develops differently within women and men, exactly according to the cultural bias of what those minds are supposed and expected to be good at. Take a total different culture, with total different gender expectations, and you get the same “gender” development according to that cultural bias.
BBE, most of the gays I knew were in Los Angeles CA and in Dallas TX and actually I don’t know a great many gays here except in the university setting where they seem to be more visible. I only know of a few openly gay men here in my rural area (where it would be more frowned upon or at least gossiped about) My cousin who is gay is a university prof, before his retirement, and he doesn’t “flaunt” it, but everyone knows. He is well respected in the community though.
Sky and Oxy,
I have the same experience with the gays I know. They’re not secretive about it, but don’t flaunt it either. A lot of people hardly ever realize that they’re gay, because they don’t fit the stereotype of a “queer” gay. They’re just people who happen to fall in love with the same gender, and they don’t fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. I actually know more everyday gays than the stereotypical ones. And I’m so sure that there’s nothing sociopathic about my best friend and his family that I asked him to be a donor for the fertilization processes I plan to start this year. Chances are bigger imo in getting “bad genes” from an anonymous donor than him.
Darwinsmom,
I have a married friend who had to use a donor and they used one that they didn’t know through an IVF clinic. I’m not sure I wouldn’t be like you and want to know the person I used. Not only for medical reasons (diabetes etc) but for psychopathic background as well.
If I knew then what I know now about genetics of psychopathy, I never would have had children. I realize there are no “perfect” genetics but if I were planning a child I would want to know the person’s family psych history as well as physical medical history. Not only wanting to know the person, but what their parents were like as well, and their sibs too.
Well, I’m off to bed. See you guys tomorrow.
I am looking for some advice. There is no doubt in my mind, my son-in-law is a sociopath. Here’s some history: He met woman #1 and married her, lived with her parents, and had a baby. While he was with her, he met woman #2, moved in with her, and had another baby. While he was with her, he met my daughter, moved in with her 10 years ago. At that time, my daughter was in graduate school, so she used school loans and a part-time job to pay living expenses, while he worked occasionally as a DJ at a club. Over these ten years, he has worked a total of less than six months. When my daughter started teaching, he controlled all the money and credit cards and finances. They had a small apartment with used furniture, although they slept on a pullout couch because for years they had no bedroom set until his mother made it possible for them to get one. He told everyone he was an entrepreneur, and looked it because my daughter sold her car so he could drive a BMW, and had suits in every color, while the only clothes she had were clothes I would buy for her. He scammed five people (that I know of) and never paid any of them back, one of which was his best friend that he scammed out of over $50,000. Now the ex-friend and his wife are each working two jobs to pay this money back and my son-in-law doesn’t care.
My daughter has worked hard her whole life and continues to live as a pauper. She gave up her car and her phone so he could have what he wanted. He has lived off of many people, including me. I went out to dinner with them countless times, and he ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and never offered me a dime. He wants gifts, but doesn’t want to give. They went to 7 weddings and didn’t give a gift because he said he didn’t have the money. His mother gave him $20,000 to help him out last year when my daughter went on child care leave, and he blew through that in no time, even though they moved into his mother’s basement and only had to pay her $100 monthly. Prior to that, they were evicted from their apartment, had the BMW repossessed, and he talked my daughter into declaring bankruptcy so they could get a fresh start. He had declared bankruptcy and had a previous repossession before my daughter met him. Since my daughter has been on child care leave, they lived on food stamps, received their health insurance from the government, and everyone else has clothed the baby, and he doesn’t care. He had a job for a short time last year, but I assume he was fired, because I was told he was under investigation by the company. And while my daughter was on leave and he didn’t work, and he had a wife and 3 kids he should have been supporting, he went to Texas for 3 weeks and told my daughter his friend was paying for the entire trip, was in NYC for various weeks stating he was working on his music, and just got back from Miami a couple of weeks ago and tonight is in NYC—always stating others are paying his expenses, while she sits in that basement with no money in her pocket. He didn’t file tax returns until just recently when the government finally caught up with them, although all this time, he told my daughter he had an accountant that was taking care of everything. When I took my daughter on a little mini vacation a week after he spent a week in NYC, he gave her $15 for her trip. Another thing, he is obsessed with power and authority. I rode in the car with him for 3 hours and he kept playing the song If I Could Rule the World, over and over again”..nonstop”..no exaggeration. He’s always out, but she doesn’t think he would ever cheat on her, although when he is around other women, he stares at them continually—.everybody notices this but her. He is so over the top charming to my daughter, it’s unbelievable, but she believes all his stories, no matter how crazy they are.
My daughter will be going back to work soon, so I am sure she will be supporting him all over again. She was having some doubts about him a few months back”.first time ever. However, then he found a job, still no benefits, and now he’s just as charming as ever, as he still continues to do everything he wants to do, while she is home with the baby and has no money. Not only does he know she is going back to work soon, but her father recently died and left her some money. I haven’t said a word about him to her in a while, but the other day she brought him up telling me she really wanted her marriage to work and did not want her son to grow up without a father, and that she and he were meeting with their priest and a psychologist and working things out. She wants me to meet with the priest and them also. She told me that the Bible says we shouldn’t judge and I told her that I think God wants us to discern good from evil and that her husband does a lot of evil things. I told her I am praying constantly for him and for the entire situation. She said God says we should forgive. I know this, but it is soooo hard when he just continues to deceive her and others in so many ways. If I meet and spill my guts in front of him (and her), I fear what would happen. My daughter may never talk to me again, although after this conversation with her the other day, she is not talking to me. And what would she have to go through with him as a result of it. A social worker told me never, ever confront him. I could use some advice from anyone who has some. Thank you for taking the time to read this. There is so much more to tell, but it’s so very long already. Thank you so much for your feedback.
I am not saying that all gays are sociopathic. I certainly don’t fit the stereotypes and while I have my relationship difficulties at least it is something I strive for. But take my word for it, you would be appalled at what you would read even on with is considered to be the most “vanilla” gay message board. Also, look at gay “pride” parades vs. that of any other group or organization. IMHO, its hard to be proud of any community that primarily celebrates sex, partying and narcissism.
darwinsmom;
“Overall that those tests and scans prove is that the brain develops differently within women and men, exactly according to the cultural bias of what those minds are supposed and expected to be good at. Take a total different culture, with total different gender expectations, and you get the same “gender” development according to that cultural bias.’
This is a point worth considering. What country are you from?
Scaredmom,
so sorry to tell you, but yes, I think he is a spath.
All the red flags are there. Particularly the parasitical and irresponsible flags.
The social worker is right: do NOT confront him. It is dangerous.
I’m sorry that your relationship with your daughter has deteriorated. She is mesmerized and can’t see the truth. This look/feels like love to her.
About the only thing I can think of that you can do, is to hire a private detective to follow him around and find out EXACTLY all the dirt on him. Then you have to wait for JUST the right moment to use it.
You have to wait because, spaths KNOW that no matter what they do, we always forgive them and take them back. The setting has to be just right so that your daughter will have the strength to resist.
I will give you an example from my own life.
I left my spath 3 times in 25 years and finally went NC.
The third time worked for several reasons.
1. A stranger explained what a psychopath was and told me which book to read.
2. My parents finally told me what they knew about him. They had overheard him SAY, that he was only with me for my money – 25 years earlier!
3. When I knew he was lying, I didn’t tell him everything I knew and I was able to watch how UTTERLY CONVINCINGLY the lies fell from his lips. I realized that when he said, “I love you,” it sounded so real, so true and heart felt, that nobody would doubt it. Yet it was an absolute total lie. He was plotting to kill me.
The point is, that the truth has to juxtaposed with his lying words, in JUST the right way, that it breaks up the cognitive dissonance. First, she must be aware of what a psychopath looks like. She has to know the red flags.
I would seriously recommend Donna’s most recent book to her. I’m reading it right now and it is probably the best book out there for breaking up cognitive dissonance in regards to psychopaths.
I do hope you can help her. It’s heartbreaking to know how many people are being destroyed by spaths.
Scaredmom,
I agree with Skylar that he is a parasite and probably a psychopath, I also think he is cheating on your daughter…..and financially abusing her.
The problem is until your daughter sees that, there really is nothing you can do.
I would decline to “spill your guts” with or without the psychologist or priest.
Forgiveness does NOT include allowing someone to repeatedly abuse you, lie to you…etc. and yes we are give the good sense (I hope) to discern when a person is doing bad things, and while she may want her marriage to “work” it is NOT working because HE IS NOT WORKING. After 10 years it should be apparent that he is NOT going to work.
There are several good articles here about how to support someone who is under the spell of the psychopath, but we can’t make them leave until THEY see the truth.
Keep on praying. My son stayed with one for 7 years until she tried to kill him and ended up going to jail. I just had to keep my mouth shut. Even when he caught her cheating he “forgave” until she tried to help her BF kill him.
I agree, do not confront him, he will only drive a wedge between you and her and until SHE is ready. God bless.