lf2

RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Everything about the sociopath invites us in

Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.

Gary Cundiff is a marriage and family therapist based in San Diego, California

Through deception and mirroring, the sociopath exerts control

By Gary Cundiff, MFT

Gary Cundiff profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide

Having fallen victim to the very thing I had dedicated my life to protecting others from is my reason for writing. To warn others and feasibly aid some. The inevitable harm from interacting with a sociopath is definitive. For some, years have been spent recovering.

I am a mental health professional with years of experience and education, and yet I still was deceived. This encounter came close to ending my career, my life, my friendships and my marriage. However, God has been faithful in his grace, love and protection. The duration of the encounter was less than a year, from first attack to conclusion. Yet even very limited exposure to the pathological can cause serious damage. I hope to relate what I have learned regarding the sociopath’s and Satan’s schemes and to expose their mode of operation.

Why do some and not others fall prey to these predatory beings? My study of psychology led to a belief that sociopathy and other character disorders were developed primarily from childhood abuse and maltreatment. I do not intend to prove or disprove this theory. My intent is to describe my experience with evil, and how it functioned and found access to my life, the damage it did, and the effort it takes to repair.

Five phases

The sociopathic relationship involves five phases: Deception, dread, dependency, degradation, and discard. These steps might not encompass all the complex dynamics in the pathological encounter, but they serve as a basis for the victim.

The sociopath selects a target based on the victim’s best and most admirable qualities, with an explicit intent to exploit. Understanding that it was my best attributes that left me vulnerable helped enormously in the healing process.

If someone should judge you, you will know it. If someone tempts, criticizes or verbally attacks you, you will know it. But if someone deceives you, you will not know it, because the very nature of deception is to conceal. Many myths and stigmas are attached to being victimized, such as weakness, naïvete, mental dullness, or rebellion. These axioms are not, however, consistent with the census.

Targeting the best qualities

My personal experience in client/therapist relationships with hundreds of victims of the pathological encounters, over a course of 25 years, has shown me that the very qualities that made them vulnerable are the very qualities commonly held with the highest regard. The common characteristics of the victims I have known include: trust, compassion, forgiveness and generosity—the very attributes that Satan hates—making them natural targets for the sociopathic predator. People fall victim to the deceiver not because of weakness, but as a result of their strengths. Compassion is not a weakness; it is strength. The desire to love and to be loved is a natural human drive.

Whatever the precursors of victimization, the damage inflicted is the fault and responsibility of the one doing the deceiving and plundering.

Everyone becomes vulnerable at some moment in life, possibly as a result of sustained losses, or some crisis. There are many scenarios that may lead to vulnerability. Sociopaths do not discriminate regarding their prey: young, old, race, gender, rich or poor, with one possible exception—the hard-hearted, who are much less likely to show compassion or trust. There is no universal profile of a typical victim. There is only one distinction: the more sensitive and conscientious the victim is, the higher the probability of success. The abuser is always at fault; no one chooses to be harmed.

Exerting control

Sociopaths know if they can get you to accept a single lie, they then can exert some measure of control over you. No one lies better than the sociopaths. There was nothing about Satan’s approach that caused Eve to be suspicious or be seriously alarmed. His approach seemed innocuous, “Let’s have a conversation. I am spiritual too. I am like you.” Satan seldom comes as a dark angel. He doesn’t show up as a coiled snake. Temptation is never ugly, painful or bloody. He may very well come and say, “Let’s have a religious discussion, let’s talk theology. I know God too.”

Everything about the sociopath invites us in, says join me—the voice tone, smile, hypnotic stare—making them the most dangerous predator of all. All the posturing is done to create a false belief of interest and concern. The more pathological, the more rapid and intense the bonding.

Building the disguise

The disguise begins with studying you: your values, interests, beliefs, vision, goals, concerns, and any other information they can glean. From the trivial to the most significant, all is stored away for future use—testing and noting what pushes your buttons, what moves or excites you. Sociopaths are ardent students of human behavior, having spent much of their lives investigating the difference between themselves and the rest of the population.

Using each piece of information, they create the disguise—a mask carefully constructed to look like their prospective target. Flawlessly, they weave a canvas picture of their mark, a tapestry precisely reflecting the brightest, most honorable aspects of your personality, sewing in the most desirable and wanted details, literally stealing your persona, mirroring this image back, without the defects of character, flaws and shortcomings.

The pathological relationship is a one-dimensional interaction. You fall in love with yourself as presented by this reflecting object. The attraction is irresistible. People are attracted to those who are similar to themselves. By transforming themselves into a reflection of their prospective prey, the sociopath becomes the most alluring figure imaginable, and the propensity to trust that person becomes compelling, promising to meet whatever need or want may exist: friend, advisor, mentor, brother, mother, father. This personification is deception at its most radical level. It is interesting to remember that Eve was deceived before she ever sinned.

Empty shells

Sociopathy is one of the most extreme of the pathological disorders. They are empty shells, possessing nothing of value, no guiding principles, no shame, and no righteous principles. Therefore, this emulation of others for sustained periods of time is effortless: no conflict with their own beliefs or interests. They haven’t any, apart from their ruthless, selfish desire for domination.

This one-dimensional mirroring blurs and confuses the boundaries. You lose touch with where you end and where they should begin, creating an enmeshment that quickly suppresses any sign of personal autonomy. However, it is nothing more than an illusion. You experience a sense of oneness like none other. At the emotional center of this connection is intensity never felt before, making the appeal and apprehension addictive. My sociopath bragged of the capacity to leave people feeling extremely loved, describing her energy as a warm blanket of water flowing around them embracing and holding, while locating deep wounds and hurts for future reference, having a clear awareness of what she was doing.

Behind the mirage

The sociopath uses deliberate and premeditated deception. Since Satan himself appears as an angel of light, is it any less imaginable that his emissaries who serve him would be capable of resembling their master? Imitation is the purest form of flattery and the sociopath is an expert. The effects are intoxicating, like finding an oasis in a dry land—the nurturing and understanding you have longed for. You wish to believe, you succumb, and you give in. What could be more seductive than having all of your best attributes reflected back and praised?

But what exists behind this illusion is a savage, a brute beast, the incubus. They hide behind the mirage, assessing and evaluating your every weakness and strength. The sociopath who possesses the blackest heart may appear to be a person of eminent goodness, but one never bothered by shame, full of greed and deceit.

Jeremiah 6:15 refers to God’s punishment of such people. “They dress the wounds of people as though it were not serious. Peace, peace they say when there is no peace. Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all: they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen. They will be brought down when I punish them, says the Lord.” This passage is self-explanatory.


Comment on this article

532 Comments on "RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Everything about the sociopath invites us in"

Notify of

my ex always said, “if you tell a big lie, people will believe you more easily. don’t bother with little lies. tell the big ones.” he was proud of his ability to do so, and do so convincingly. never saw any evidence of shame or remorse at all, presented as being spiritual and “all about love.” scary. thank you for an insightful article.

Awesome article. I am printing this one.

Great Article, Gary!

One to not only read, but re-read and to ponder….to study. Thanks, and welcome to LoveFraud.

I think I mentioned it somewhere before that my dad is an empty shell. He is a different personality almost all the time. To blend in to any group. He HATED it when he had multiple people around him from different groups, I noticed. I guess it was because his lies might have been exposed, but they never were. I always wondered how he could just change from day to day and you helped clear it up! He changed because he had NO beliefs or principles to start with. It wasn’t even a change, technically. No ideas. He is like a kid who used copy and paste to write a report. 🙁

Maybe it isn’t even something dark going on in his head. Maybe it’s just some kind of absence, a void. He fills it up sometimes, but any thing he puts in it is absorbed and destroyed soon enough, then he moves on.

Gary,

Welcome to LF! This is a very well written article and I appreciate the insertion of scripture at the end of it. I hope you will write again!

LL

This is an article to print out and pass around to those people who say, “why can’t you just get over him?”
People who haven’t been through it, can’t understand the psychic devastation the occurs. I’d wager that many of those homeless you see pushing a grocery cart were once targetted by the devil – and I’ll be they never even knew it. For most of my 25 years of hell, I had no idea that the hell was caused by a spath. I actually thought there was something wrong with me. That’s the irony.

Hello Friends! I cannot thank you all enough for being here and sharing your stories. It continues to keep me “sober” even when i want a big fix of my exsp. I am wondering though, and I do not know if this is typical, being that I am so new to this insight and only three months NC. I am beginning to question if he was actually a SP. I have been sure before, but again, here I question: Why do I wonder?

1. Still no contact or attempt from him to return all my stuff (which he has plenty of) of and
2. as I read this site I have not found many stories that echo mine: My sp was extremely nurturing, affectionate, generous, “loving”, spent tons of money on me, laughed hysterically with me, cried hysterically with me, took me on romantic vacations, etc. As I have posted before, he was with me all the time IN THE MOMENT. Yes he did all the other stuff: gaslighting, threats to leave, cheating, lies, etc etc, but when we were together in person, which was three years off and on it was totally amazing. And yes, he was explosive and ugly and mean whenever I called him out or rejected him or was onto him and would usually decide he had to leave, that we were incompatible, etc. “It’s not you, it’s me,” he’d always say, though in such a way that the implication was it was me not being X enough for him. Crazy making he was, when all I ever wanted was to love him and I did.

Even though there are so many similarities, so many, I always wonder about the NC and that he was always emphasizing that we were perfect but he would leave me someday. That was his mantra. As though he always wanted to leave but I forced him to stay. (He said that sometimes, while also saying I was the only one for him, how lucky he was, etc.) Not true at all, but he got me to believe it and a subconscious/childhood wound level, and sometimes I come back to that, like today, as I question, was he right? Was he not a sp and I just couldn’t let him go? Is this familiar to anyone? I hope so (and I don’t.) Thanks so much for reading and being here. Love, Bodhi

Bodhi: He sounds like a sociopath to me. They can usually seem very loving and kind. All to keep up their facade. They can also appear VERY helpful and ready to please others. Sounds like he pulled a classic move on you by making you question YOUR sanity. *shakes finger* That’s bad! They suck you in and drain you. No more worrying about him!

I think somebody needs a hug! *huggles Bodhi* 😛

Remember, whether he was a sociopath or not, that relationship was toxic and unstable! It’s not supposed to be like that at all.

Classic Socio Bohdi.
He was keeping you on edge, making you feel afraid that it wouldn’t last. It’s like walking a tight rope, being with a spath. You never know if your next step will be the last, but all the while you are giddy from being up so high in the air. It’s a giant adrenalin rush that threatens to end in disaster all the time.

Bodhi, that was the “love bomb” he was doingn to you, the being ohhhh so nice, and that was also “intermittent reinforcement’ (being nice some of the time and bad some of the time and you would keep on hoping that the “good” would come back and stay if you could just do X to get him to see how much you loved him.”)

There’s no doubt in my mind that he is a psychopath, and for you to doubt it now that you are a few months NC is NORMAL as well. So you are just goin through the “normal” stages of the grief over the loss of your fantasy.

Don’t expect to get your stuff back….that’s a hook he has with you, and he may use it to try to get back to “business as usual as soon as he needs another “fix”—- Just stay NC with him no matter what. If you break it he will suck you back in. Keep on reading here and learning, the strength will come and you will heal. (((hugs)))) and God bless.

thank you Near. Thank you for this reminder. Thank you for reminding me why I am NC!!! And for the huggle.

Grateful to be out of the toxic relationship and know that I can still have fun and excitement and passion and love in my life without the game playing and trauma. I need to remind myself that I stayed because of the good parts, not the drama, though I do understand the addiction of the love bonding, the pellet (reward) theory deal. How wrong I was to assume that those “pellets” were organically offered out of love, rather than manipulated or controlled as a game from day one. I see that most of us equate loving nurturing relationships with reciprocal unconditional “rewards” given freely and organically, not a choreographed manipulation. This is the part that amazes me… that they can fake this so well and how easily I fell into it because it comes so naturally to me. I really want to hang onto this truth without becoming jaded, though I agree I might have to be jaded and suspicious for a while, or at least alter my definition of “loving/romantic love relationship,” etc.

I am assuming that those who have moved on into new relationships are finding some balance? (give or take…) B

and thank you Oxy and Skylar! I am grateful to have the wisdom from you all, to trust it (verses the spell of the sp). Thank you , thank you. I am off to work now. I work two blocks from where he lives so am always anxious when going there (luckily only twice a week), but this will keep my strong. Soon, I will not even recognize him on the street, like the others (though not so huge in my life as this) who have faded into the background, like my Sp mother, leaving me thinking, why in the world was I even attracted to that?…. I know this, and your words and stories confirm this in my heart. Hugs to all, B

Bodhi: No problem! I try to cheer others up and make jokes around here. Stick around, this place is great for healing. Did you check out the M.L. Gallagher section on the side menu? There are tips there for healing AFTER the sociopath. I’ve read through almost everything here and it is amazing!

Plus, I’ve been waiting for Steve’s article on “sort of” sociopaths. If they have a few signs of sociopathy, it’s enough. So be sure to check in for those updates, almost daily.

If you need more huggles, just ask! 😛 *holds bag of huggles*

Gary – This is it, this is what I have been saying for three + years, he stole my persona, my identity, he became me and I nourished him and helped him grow…but I became the empty shell of confusion, how could one so wonderful as me lie, cheat. steal, manipulate and control, after all we were one? Nope~! he was sucking the very life out of me, I was losing weight, losing brain function,, literally becoming a dryed up skeleton version of myself, but I continued to put him first, because he was the good one, and I was bad and didnt deserve him…yes very confusing and hard to explain….Many of us have said that even professional’s dont get it unless they have been there…thank you for this most vivid account of what happens to our souls when attacked by a sociopath.

Near:

Thanks for the reminder that even IF that guy was not a spath, that relationship was toxic and none of us need that drama.

Oxy:

You said:

Bodhi, that was the “love bomb” he was doingn to you, the being ohhhh so nice, and that was also “intermittent reinforcement’ (being nice some of the time and bad some of the time and you would keep on hoping that the “good” would come back and stay if you could just do X to get him to see how much you loved him.”)

That is so what I was doing. I always thought if I just did that one magical thing and he realized I really loved him like no one else, he would love me and want me. HA!! What a joke!

This is helping me little by little heal and realize what this relationship truly was.

Thanks, Oxy.

Dear Louise, that is the thingn about it all, the healin process, is that we add one little piece here and another there,, just like putting a jig saw puzzle together and eventually the pieces start to form a picture. It takes work and time, and sometimes confusion especially since we may not have the “box top” to compare the pieces we have to the picture we are trying to form.

So sometimes we have some confusion about where a piece fits in, or we have a piece and we put it in the wrong place, but eventually we see where it really goes.

Little by little it all starts to make sense and we get it all together. Just keep on reading, blogging and learning, and most of all Take care of YOU. (((hugs)))

Bodhi

Yes, my spath was the same as yours.

It sounds to me like you’re seeing more the good stuff than the bad stuff right now, but to eve GET ON THIS SITE you must suspect what is true.

TOXIC.

He hurt you, and he knew he was hurting you.

Run!

SK

((((((( Bodhi ))))))))))))

You mentioned something in your post that really struck me and has been discussed before here on another thread I believe.

“As I have posted before, he was with me all the time IN THE MOMENT.”

And that is key. That’s another big indication that he’s a spath.

They have no future, they have no past. THEY HAVE THE MOMENT. Whatever was before one moment, or whatever is after one moment, the spath doesn’t value, doesn’t recall. For him it is fleeting.

What made sense for me with my spath was understanding that when we had an argument, he would come back an hour, two hours, a day later, AS IF IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Same with the good times. We would have incredible sex (early on) and then the next day, it was like it NEVER HAPPENED. there could be NO value placed on the bad OR the good because NONE OF IT WAS REAL. They are VERY GOOD at “in the moment” because they create each moment and all of it is illusion.

That’s what is soooooooooo difficult about recovery is the REALITY that what happened with him was NOT real at all, not the good, or the bad. ALL of it was fake.

LL

LL this makes complete sense. In the moment – I so get this. No past, no future, spot on.

They do live in the moment, until they WANT to recall some mistake you made or some past detail they can use for bonding. Predatory memory, I think it’s called.

Gary, thank you for your post. I have spent a year trying to understand how I attracted and married such a man.

I was married for 26 years to a wonderful, loving, caring husband and father. All of a sudden (4years ago) my world started unraveling after he confessed to a gambling habit and affair.

After years of him promising to change I divorced him. To this day he swears he loves/loved me but has moved from one relationship to the next while doing so. And all the while posting his exploits on social media sites in plain view.

Most recently he is playing games and trying to control our grown children. It is hard to believe someone who seemed so caring could be so evil and really have no regard for the hurt they have caused. For him”saying he is sorry” should make it all go away!

Your words about them finding the strengths in their victims really hit home. He always told me how people thought I was so nice. After things fell apart I wondered how my soul could attract someone who had so little regard for my feelings or even TRYING to get his wife and children back.

I still wonder if he was always a sociopath or if the gambling sent him over the edge. I will never know for sure.

What I am keenly aware of is how emotionally shallow spaths are, not having any depth to them. It really bothers me how abusive they are, attacking the wrong people. Why don’t they just prey on each other, not bothering with normal people? Years ago, during an argument (where I was trying to get across some of his financial misdeeds to him), the spath said to me, “yeh, I”m a badass.” At the time that he said this, I was stunned by his words, not believing them to be true, because he didn’t fit my idea of a badass – the spath looks like an everyday, average, conservative guy. He was speaking the truth about himself. Time passed, more hell was experienced (me coming apart), and I figured out that he definitely is a sociopath (no doubts in my mind), having ALL of the undesirable traits. The spath knows what he is inside, a low-life.

LL
You are absolutely right about being IN THE MOMENT as a key indicator, having no past and no future; that is having no remorse and no conscience to stop them. WE see the outcome of a choice (cause/effect), they only see immediate gratification. Thus flirting that turns into a hand job, no problem right? At least not for them, they don’t pay the cost. We do. They say whatever and can mean it AT THAT MOMENT, but not in the next moment. That’s why they seem so sincere, but how quickly they forget (and are SO annoyed b/c we are gutted by the calloused thing they said.) My husband called my crying “noise” and if I made noise, he found a woman who was happy with him. Oh joy, those last two years with his mask off were absolute nightmare.

KEY: IN THE MOMENT and NEVER any other moment

AMEN and AMEN.
Katy

Yeah, the in the moment thing. I have said this many times on here, but my X spath was/is definitely in the moment…just like a child. Whatever he wants to do at the moment he does and has no regard for anyone else. Although, I did see him ONCE walk away from something he wanted to do. Not sure what that was about. Would anyone have any insight on that? I know I am not giving much info to go on, but just wonder why he was somewhat “obeying” at that point.

Bluejay;

Thankfully, maybe of 5% of the population at the most are sociopaths, so they are few and far between.

Louise,
If he is a true spath, they follow a path that is unknown and largely in their heads. My husband sometimes did things that was hugely against his best interest but in his mind, he was “WINNING!”

Katy:

I like the way you put that…”they follow a path that is unknown and largely in their heads.” So, so true.

Thanks for that.

(((((((((((((( katy ))))))))))))))))))))

YEP!, BUT, even in the moment they don’t MEAN it!!

They NEVER mean it. I think sometimes “we” (editorially here) need to believe they mean it AT ALL.

But the reality is that THEY DO NOT.

Think about it: how many of your memories with those you love are simply a snapshot, IN THE MOMENT, yet not forever?

The spath can’t do that.

He doesn’t VALUE a kodak moment. He exploits it.

EVERY single moment. Even the “in the moment” isn’t real…because it’s not filed in the same place that we all can file it.

Loving memories.

LL

Dear Donna Dixon,

It is not uncommon that psychopaths have an addiction–drugs, alcohol, or gambling….and are “into” risky behavior for the adrenaline rush that they get—mountain climbing, fast driving, stock brokers, gambling….etc etc. and sometimes they go to great lengths to hide this, to mask it.

So I think your husband may have “let his mask slip” but I think he was WHO HE WAS all along….you just didn’t see behind the mask.

Some of them are quite adept at covering up what they are doing. YOu are right to if they “say sorry” it is supposed to make the past bad behavior go away….and then they can “say sorry” again the next t6ime they repeat it and it is supposed to make it go away again. “let’s pretend none of this happened.”

Just keep on learning and processing, you are on the road to healing, and believe me, it will take some time, but you can get there…..he is always gonna be what he is, and I’d rather be a former victim than a forever victimizer. God bless and welcome to Love fraud.

BBE, only 1-4% may be 30+ scoring psychopaths, but there are other tyypes of problematic personality disorders AND toxic and dangerous and dysfunctional types of people, so it doesn’t mean that 96% of the people that are not 30+ psychopaths are all nice guys. What about the guys who score only 27 or 28 or 29?

Yeah, my X spath’s addiction is alcohol. And then that of course leads to all kind of other things…

Strangely, my x-spath always talked about “creating memories.” He liked to take photographs of us and of the places we went and would then frame and display many of them around his house. (Of course the ones of us were only displayed in his room). I wonder what this was about? Maybe creating some illusion of normalcy…

LOL, he’s a thrill-seeker for sure: a rockclimber!

My X could not be alone. If I was not at home when he got here he would go into a panic and leave, then come home hours after I got home, sometimes not until the next day..And it was all my fault because he was sure I was out cheating when I was over at my son’s or at work. He didnt bother to call me, just used it as an excuse to go do his thing. So I got to the point where I was sure I was home when he arrived to prevent drama and a big fight…..yes he manipulated and controlled me at all times. I always had a big knot in my stomach thinking, whats going to happen next and thinking when is this going to end. But very soon into that relationship the mirror cracked. I kept putting masking tape on the cracks, trying to bring back that perfect image, until the whole mirror was blank with tape. I could not do this anymore, he had to leave, didnt matter if he was the love of my life.
On his final exit out my front door he turned and said “I have been miserable ever since I came here”..I just closed the door and sat down for about a year…..
He kept coming back tho, still wanting to mess with my mind, he really enjoyed that..He had no limit’s, but I do, so I refused to open my door and I closed my heart to him…he is not welcome here.

Hens:

🙁 Such a sad love story. He really did a number on you. I am glad you are past it, but I know it stays with us forever.

Oxdrover;

I said 5% to include those who are “toxic” but are not necessarily classic sociopaths, which imho focuses too much on criminal behavior and not enough on destructive interpersonal behavior.

Hens,
He was projecting. What he really meant to say was HE made you miserable ever since he came there. As an N or S, he just failed to see where he stopped and you existed, and he spoke as if he were you. I had that with my husband, hijacking my experience and claiming it for himself b/c he knew what he did, he just could not FEEL the consequence.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

if only 1 to 4% are spaths, and up to only10% of the population is lesbian, what are the odd that i ran into a spath? no, really. anyone have those math skills?

BBE, I think you should have made the number a bit higher, like maybe 50% (instead of 5%) to include all the ones that are HIGH IN P TRAITS and/or that are alcoholic, drug addicted, seriously mentally ill, criminal, or have OTHER PERSONALITY DISORDERS, PPD (or actually ASPD) is only ONE of several that are pretty much all equally toxic….

yes Katydid your so right…like I said I sat down for about a year and scratched my head….wtf was that all about? It’s all history to me now but can easily recall the confusion.

Hens, your comment:
“..I just closed the door and sat down for about a year”..” THAT IS A CLASSIC!!!

Katy, your words really resonated with me:

“They say whatever and can mean it AT THAT MOMENT, but not in the next moment. That’s why they seem so sincere, but how quickly they forget..”

That is their defense, or a least my it was my ex’s, against accountability. Mine would say, “Well, I meant it when I said it.” or, “Maybe I was trying to convince myself,” or some other such crap. He told me in his last email, “How sad that you think our entire realtionship was based on lies.”

In his mind, he never lies, he just changes his mind..

shabbylishous ~! 🙂

They never mean it. Not in the moment, or ever…
They are 100% fictitious, untrue, fabrication. Illusionists. Pure evil…

and 100% gone..

Amen to that!

Hi Supah Chic… You’ve been on my mind. Hope all is wonderful with you! E

Gary, I really appreciate this article. I think the way you described just how they mirror you, and your characterization of this evil was spot on. I want to add that I am very glad to know that you’ve transformed your hellish experience ( to put it “lightly” ) into a healing balm for others. This is also my aspiration in life, as I’ve had encounters with two sociopaths in separate periods of my life myself ( I was 13 during my first encounter, which lasted about 3-4 years ). Thank you for being a beacon of light, I’m very glad and reassured to know there are people like you out there, who genuinely feel impelled to give back. Bless

Hi my LF Friends,

Wow, I have been reading all your blogs and I could swear we have been with the same man. Its been over 5 months since my escape from hell (from my ex-spath), and each day is a struggle trying to find myself again. The hardest part is not having the friends and family who understand Spath behavior. They just think he was a prick/womanizer/addict/ selfish man. When I try and vent about him and his behavior they just tell me “Get over it”. I wish it was that easy. Having been in a relationshit with a spath is like being in a coma and they rip your soul out of you and hostage you in the land of hell, and when you finally wake up out of your coma your confused, lost, and cripplied. Slowly with the help of resources such as LF friends and slowly reclaiming your soul back your still left wondering how could this have happen. Who was that person I was living with? How can they just move on with a new person and not even care what and who they have hurt? I know because my ex-spath had a new supply and when I started to reveal him more he turned it around and said I was crazy that is why he had to get away. Funny, immediately he had a new supply and he has been spoiling her rotten. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. Of cousre they live out of town so he is not near anyone who can expose him. But, since I am newly recovering my thoughts go back and forth, will he really love her? Will he change for her? Will she change him? Will she ever see the wolve behind the sheeps clothing? Any support from my LF friends is appreciated! Huggs to all of you, and thank you for being the antibiotics in helping me recover. God Bless you all!
P.S My story is posted on this site,and is titled as “I would rather be homeless then spend another day souless with you”

Hi Chelsea

You said :

Will he really love her? Will he change for her? Will she change him? Will she ever see the wolve behind the sheeps clothing?

Psychopaths prey, they do not love. It’s easy for us to think and project our own schema of ourselves on the Spath ( Our empathy, “what we would do in a given situation”, “if i just give more, maybe i’ll be able to help or fix him/her” … After all, they mirror us in order for this to transpire so easily ). It’s this uncertainty that keeps the victim engaged- it is the high level of empathy within the unfortunate targets of the Spath that allows for our fertile imaginations to run wild. ( which leads us to think that maybe there’s a human being in there- there isn’t. There’s nothing, just a black hole of evil. ) He not only lied to you, he IS a LIE. His involvement with her is no different- she is a target and by nature the Spath is exploitative. My HOPE is that the young woman does indeed see the wolf behind the sheep’s clothing. He’s spoiling her because this is part of the hook- hopefully she realizes it early. His preying on her is no different. He is a predator, not just some guy who could use a little help. They are without emotion, without regard, without affection, only hollow vessels in search of prey to feed on.

I think it’s also important to point out that sociopaths target people who are responsible, empathetic, and strong- because when we are faced with an IMPOSSIBLE ( read : crazy ) situation like the entire involvement with the Spath, we will try to make it work. We will try to get the answers. We will vie for peace. It’s the perfect storm. We fill in the spaces (word salad )with our empathy, we take responsibility ( in the name of peace ), and we challenge ourselves to “make it work” ( as we are presented with the illusion that our involvement is a “relationship” so we act on our principles, our moral fiber, every last bit). The P on the otherhand, blithely cruises through his/her trail of victims without much of a care or a second thought, taking what he/she wants remorselessly, guiltlessly.

So on that note, remember that above all the sociopath is a spineless coward, who has to hide behind shadows and masks, lies and obfuscations, and has not an ounce of dignity in his/her body. The Sociopath is a creature who feels need to belittle others to feel stronger. They enjoy flexing their imaginary glorified image of themselves in front of the mirror where they STOMP on you ( a being of true value, unlike the P )

Send this to a friend