Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Gary Cundiff is a marriage and family therapist based in San Diego, California
Through deception and mirroring, the sociopath exerts control
By Gary Cundiff, MFT
Gary Cundiff profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Having fallen victim to the very thing I had dedicated my life to protecting others from is my reason for writing. To warn others and feasibly aid some. The inevitable harm from interacting with a sociopath is definitive. For some, years have been spent recovering.
I am a mental health professional with years of experience and education, and yet I still was deceived. This encounter came close to ending my career, my life, my friendships and my marriage. However, God has been faithful in his grace, love and protection. The duration of the encounter was less than a year, from first attack to conclusion. Yet even very limited exposure to the pathological can cause serious damage. I hope to relate what I have learned regarding the sociopath’s and Satan’s schemes and to expose their mode of operation.
Why do some and not others fall prey to these predatory beings? My study of psychology led to a belief that sociopathy and other character disorders were developed primarily from childhood abuse and maltreatment. I do not intend to prove or disprove this theory. My intent is to describe my experience with evil, and how it functioned and found access to my life, the damage it did, and the effort it takes to repair.
Five phases
The sociopathic relationship involves five phases: Deception, dread, dependency, degradation, and discard. These steps might not encompass all the complex dynamics in the pathological encounter, but they serve as a basis for the victim.
The sociopath selects a target based on the victim’s best and most admirable qualities, with an explicit intent to exploit. Understanding that it was my best attributes that left me vulnerable helped enormously in the healing process.
If someone should judge you, you will know it. If someone tempts, criticizes or verbally attacks you, you will know it. But if someone deceives you, you will not know it, because the very nature of deception is to conceal. Many myths and stigmas are attached to being victimized, such as weakness, naïvete, mental dullness, or rebellion. These axioms are not, however, consistent with the census.
Targeting the best qualities
My personal experience in client/therapist relationships with hundreds of victims of the pathological encounters, over a course of 25 years, has shown me that the very qualities that made them vulnerable are the very qualities commonly held with the highest regard. The common characteristics of the victims I have known include: trust, compassion, forgiveness and generosity—the very attributes that Satan hates—making them natural targets for the sociopathic predator. People fall victim to the deceiver not because of weakness, but as a result of their strengths. Compassion is not a weakness; it is strength. The desire to love and to be loved is a natural human drive.
Whatever the precursors of victimization, the damage inflicted is the fault and responsibility of the one doing the deceiving and plundering.
Everyone becomes vulnerable at some moment in life, possibly as a result of sustained losses, or some crisis. There are many scenarios that may lead to vulnerability. Sociopaths do not discriminate regarding their prey: young, old, race, gender, rich or poor, with one possible exception—the hard-hearted, who are much less likely to show compassion or trust. There is no universal profile of a typical victim. There is only one distinction: the more sensitive and conscientious the victim is, the higher the probability of success. The abuser is always at fault; no one chooses to be harmed.
Exerting control
Sociopaths know if they can get you to accept a single lie, they then can exert some measure of control over you. No one lies better than the sociopaths. There was nothing about Satan’s approach that caused Eve to be suspicious or be seriously alarmed. His approach seemed innocuous, “Let’s have a conversation. I am spiritual too. I am like you.” Satan seldom comes as a dark angel. He doesn’t show up as a coiled snake. Temptation is never ugly, painful or bloody. He may very well come and say, “Let’s have a religious discussion, let’s talk theology. I know God too.”
Everything about the sociopath invites us in, says join me—the voice tone, smile, hypnotic stare—making them the most dangerous predator of all. All the posturing is done to create a false belief of interest and concern. The more pathological, the more rapid and intense the bonding.
Building the disguise
The disguise begins with studying you: your values, interests, beliefs, vision, goals, concerns, and any other information they can glean. From the trivial to the most significant, all is stored away for future use—testing and noting what pushes your buttons, what moves or excites you. Sociopaths are ardent students of human behavior, having spent much of their lives investigating the difference between themselves and the rest of the population.
Using each piece of information, they create the disguise—a mask carefully constructed to look like their prospective target. Flawlessly, they weave a canvas picture of their mark, a tapestry precisely reflecting the brightest, most honorable aspects of your personality, sewing in the most desirable and wanted details, literally stealing your persona, mirroring this image back, without the defects of character, flaws and shortcomings.
The pathological relationship is a one-dimensional interaction. You fall in love with yourself as presented by this reflecting object. The attraction is irresistible. People are attracted to those who are similar to themselves. By transforming themselves into a reflection of their prospective prey, the sociopath becomes the most alluring figure imaginable, and the propensity to trust that person becomes compelling, promising to meet whatever need or want may exist: friend, advisor, mentor, brother, mother, father. This personification is deception at its most radical level. It is interesting to remember that Eve was deceived before she ever sinned.
Empty shells
Sociopathy is one of the most extreme of the pathological disorders. They are empty shells, possessing nothing of value, no guiding principles, no shame, and no righteous principles. Therefore, this emulation of others for sustained periods of time is effortless: no conflict with their own beliefs or interests. They haven’t any, apart from their ruthless, selfish desire for domination.
This one-dimensional mirroring blurs and confuses the boundaries. You lose touch with where you end and where they should begin, creating an enmeshment that quickly suppresses any sign of personal autonomy. However, it is nothing more than an illusion. You experience a sense of oneness like none other. At the emotional center of this connection is intensity never felt before, making the appeal and apprehension addictive. My sociopath bragged of the capacity to leave people feeling extremely loved, describing her energy as a warm blanket of water flowing around them embracing and holding, while locating deep wounds and hurts for future reference, having a clear awareness of what she was doing.
Behind the mirage
The sociopath uses deliberate and premeditated deception. Since Satan himself appears as an angel of light, is it any less imaginable that his emissaries who serve him would be capable of resembling their master? Imitation is the purest form of flattery and the sociopath is an expert. The effects are intoxicating, like finding an oasis in a dry land—the nurturing and understanding you have longed for. You wish to believe, you succumb, and you give in. What could be more seductive than having all of your best attributes reflected back and praised?
But what exists behind this illusion is a savage, a brute beast, the incubus. They hide behind the mirage, assessing and evaluating your every weakness and strength. The sociopath who possesses the blackest heart may appear to be a person of eminent goodness, but one never bothered by shame, full of greed and deceit.
Jeremiah 6:15 refers to God’s punishment of such people. “They dress the wounds of people as though it were not serious. Peace, peace they say when there is no peace. Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all: they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen. They will be brought down when I punish them, says the Lord.” This passage is self-explanatory.
H2H – i don’t know if there are ever enough years gone by in grieving those we really love.
(((((((((((((((((((( One ))))))))))))))))))))))))
You’re so kind to me. I’m so humbled. I’m glad you’ve not been offended about my faith and in expressing it when it’s appropriate but not overly so. Yes, I’m somewhat reserved. I don’t want to slime anyone with judgments about faith. I respect Buddhism. My son is a buddhist. I’ve learned so much from him about meditation and life. It’s what has helped him get through the most trying times of his life and to complete his recovery. I also learn from my agnostics, atheists, catholics and christians LOL! Yes, they are so diverse. But it’s beautiful, yes? each expresses whom they are individually. One, truthfully, this has had to be learned by me to some extent. My son is gay so while I completely accepted and loved my son just as he is, I realized there was more I was showing intolerance too and religion was one of them when he came out to me. He has opened me up like a Christmas turkey in so many ways, to life and others, good and bad.
To those of you who are suffering the day through missing your dad’s to losses of lung cancer or any other insidious disease, I completely understand, but it was my Narc mother who passed of it. Even though she was extremely abusive, I had the blessing of caring for her the last week of her life, on and off (while spath sis/bro would let me) and also have cared for ExP’s uncle the last several weeks of his life from cancer, while his exhausted wife watched. Three years later, she passed of lung cancer too. It is an awful disease but so many blessings come from being apart of it, in astoundingly spiritual ways and teach us about death and about life. I miss hospice care….
Having said that, i really struggled as to whether or not to share the experience I had yesterday that through me into PTSD, deep depression, and insurmountable grief. I don’t share on LF as much as I use too. I have a great support outside LF that I talk to daily and I think I’ve worn them out with this one LOL!
Anyway………I miss my father too. But he isn’t dead. And he doesn’t have cancer. He’s a spath.
So yesterday, I took my daughter to get her hair permed. It was planned as a Mom/daughter outing. The hairstylist is ex P’s cousin (she is a WONDERFUL person!), who has been doing my hair for 25 years now. She has no contact with Ex P and rarely with his family, even though they are cousins. ExP is pretty much absent from his family. Anyway, Cousin only does hair on saturday’s now as she works at the bank during the week. She has been cutting my spath daddy’s hair for over five years now, every three months, and it takes all of twenty minutes. She thinks he is nice, funny and well, just so nice. NOT! she discusses him with me and I just listen, not saying much. I’ve not shared what an evil, sadistic mean bastard he really is. trying to explain that to your hair dresser just never seemed appropriate and I never let it bother me because I’ve been NC with him for over two years now. BLISSFULLY!
So yesterday, she arranged it to where a few members of ex P’s fam were getting their hair cuts the same day as my daughter was to show up for her perm (yes, she knew I was bringing her), as well as my SPATH FATHER. So as we are walking in, we bump into my ex SIL, my daughter’s aunt. My daughter was shocked. She came completely unglued, but she maintained herself emotionally while face to face. Ex SIL was very nice to us and we saw her two sons who have really grown. she insisted upon a pic with my daughter and her two sons. They thought it was weird and I thought it was weird, but I was very concerned for my daughter. As we were standing in the driveway, getting ready to go into the shop, I noticed a red van there. it looked like my father’s van. It had the plates from another state than mine that were present. It was my freak out moment. “OMG, my dad is here!” I was so shocked! My daughter was freaked out too because he was abusive to them when they were little and the first thing out of her mouth is “ma, I dont’ want to see him, he doesn’t like me”….so while SIL is standing there, all of this is going on. Just gut reaction from me. I felt trapped. My daughter had to pee before the perm so I took her into the house after saying goodbye to SIL and hoped to GOD she would have the ovaries to stay there until my father left. I stood there at the top of the stairs. I knew i had to go down the stairs to the shop and cousin knew i was there. As soon as my father heard my voice, his tone changed. he got up immediately and paid her. I went down the stairs. At that, cousin said, “SURPRISE!”….he walked right past me, “Good see you (Nickname)” and he said it sarcastically. The look of absolute HATRED in his eyes and on his face, and the way he moved past me as if I was a disease completely unnerved me. “good to see you too” i said meekly and did my best to totally gray rock. As he went up the stairs he says to cousin “PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU GIVE (MY EXP) MY NUMBER AND THAT I WANT TO TALK TO HIM”. Not verbatim, but close enough. My alarm bells were going off. He said it to HURT me. He has talked about wantign to get in touch with ExP for a long time. Now I know why. To validate his HATRED of me.
Ex P is not reachable. No one but me, knows where he is. I told cousin NOT to give exP my spath daddy’s number AT ALL. He’s trying to hurt me and infiltrate my life with hatred. She promised she would not do it and was apologizing profusely, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know”
I don’t blame her either. it was COMPLETELY an innocent mistake on her part.
But one that has cost me the last twenty four hours.
I’ve been an emotional mess. It brought shit up that I was trying to bury. It ruined my two years of NC and healing. I was angry, on top of trying to keep my NC with ex spath too.
My father is VERY angry at me still, even after two years, and he wants to HURT me because he could no longer control me with his money. Two years ago, I asked to be TAKEN OUT OF HIS WILL, after he had made me executor and was left with all his worldly possessions when he got sick and spath sis/bro didn’t bother to come and help take care of his spathy ass. but I did. enduring abuse of all kinds during the entire process. My father HATES me! With a passion I’ve never seen before in my life. But I still wanted to help him. I felt sorry for his “aloneness”. Welp, once sis/bro found out he was sick, the swooped in for the kill. Suddenly spath daddy was even meaner, telling me he was giving his wordly possessions to my spath bro (he had nothign to do with him for ten years, but understands that spath daddy is wealthy), and that my spath sissy was going to come visit and he was going to visit her, etc. So I was discarded.
At this point i was done.
You see, spath bro/sis, coerced my lung cancer ridden mother to knock me out of the will twenty four hours prior to her death. The will was written as if I never existed as her child. They never told me what they did. I found out later from spath brother and I realize now that he did it so he would NOT be sued. They wanted the money for themselves.
My mother was too sick to understand or know what their intentions or anything else were. She was “incoherent” during the time they asked her to do this, doped up on morphine to the max. she could barely lift her hand to sign the paper.
My brother blew sixty thousand in three weeks. on crack. My spath sister used hers to stay drunk and off work fora year to “grieve”. My sixty thousand was used to supplement them both.
I didn’t want to go through that again. That’s why I asked spath daddy to take me out of the will. And then I cut him offl. because money was control and the essence of his worth and it is to them too.
I don’t regret that decision. The abuse they all put me through since childhood was more than I could bear into adulthood. I told spath daddy to take his money and shove it up his ass.
He has never forgiven that. So he wants to make my life hell now.
He wants me to pay for such an atrocity.
And this is why he wants to get a hold of exP an dthis is why he behaved as he did yesterday.
Hatred of me.
So today, what I’m left with is slime. two years of NC broken. And not of my own doing. I don’t blame cousin, she didn’t mean to and it will never happen again, but the results are still the same. Couple this with it being my first year without ex spath to do something for on HIS day, it adds to the pain and grief I’m feeling…………
So this father’s day really sucks. I’m trying to think about what happened yesterday. I’m mourning all the things my father did to me and the hatred he feels about me. For nothing. I never did a damned thing to him to have him hate me as much as he does and has.
I’m mourning the loss of my father AGAIN, and he’s alive.
And the loss of my ex spath and he’s alive too. Celebrating his day with his new gf and children.
I’m so pissed that the NC that I’ve worked so hard to get past, with regards to my father (and was doing SO WELL with) was broken. I feel violated. and more so that his hatred still hasn’t stopped and he aims to trojan horse it through ex P to validate his hatred of me.
All of it is nauseating and very very painful today.
I don’t have a father that I loved and miss. I had a FANTASY of a father I love and miss, a mirage, he never existed.
Seeing him reminds me. but the thing that was so upsetting and painful to me, was realizing he too wants to hurt me. To validate his hatred of me……..and worst of all, the absolute hatred and disdain of me in his eyes, his stepping out of the way as if I was diseased………..
And I took my baby girl home after her perm, which she loved. And I stuffed my tears and pain while there after that so she could really enjoy the mom/daughter day she was having. that was so hard.
But I also realized that I could NEVER look upon my children with such hatred. Even the youngest, who has certainly challenged me and my be spath himself, I never could do it. I’ve been angry, but NEVER could I be filled with hate towards my children nor give the eyes and demeanor that I got. For nothing. For simply loving my father all of those years when he wanted to destroy me. That has come up and out too. It is VERY painful.
So for those of you with Daddy’s that love you or care for you, you are truly blessed. For those of you have had a daddy, even if he is gone, and you were close, you were truly blessed beyond blessed.
And for our Hens here…….I hope your day has turned out well for you. that your sons know your love and care for them. that they feel your love through your eyes and close proximity, rather than ruthless hatred. I know they do. 🙂
Happy Father’s day.
LL
One/joy
That is what I was thinking.
I do think my attorney gets it, but she also gets that the court doesn’t.
It is hard to abide by an agreement that states that “the parties” shall exchange Jr.
I knew I would get the best advice here, because despite the legal system, people here know reality and what is really important.
That is why I wonder if it’s even worth my bother at this point. No doubt Jerkface thinks me exchanging with Jerkette is going to bother me, but it doesn’t.
What bothers me is having no way of knowing where Jerkface IS and whether he is even in the state, now that I don’t see him anymore. How do I know he is even home within an hour of Jr. arriving?
He stated he would be in training (for Direct TV) about an hour North of him, for 5-6 weeks…why is he on-call in the first week and, while he states he makes the same as he did on unemployment, it looks like he will be getting over time for all these weekend days : )
LL – not even sure where to start :_(
(((((((((((((((((((((((we’ll start with hugs.))))))))))))))))))))))))))
your dad is an asshole.
that your cousin brought you all together – well the other folks in your family would know if wasn’t right, so if she is truly innocent, then they used her also. i wonder if they asked her to arrange it or if they knew she was or was this all her idea of a good idea? did he even know? how could she think this was a good idea – although you didn’t tell her the situation, surely she noticed that you didn’t talk about him anymore? sorry, don’t mean to rant, i am just looking for the rest of the red flags.
i might not be following the story well enough, the sequence of events are a bit unclear to me, can i ask, why did you stay when you saw his van?
your dad is an asshole and you on the other hand, are honourable and have integrity. i don’t know that my dad wanted to destroy me (he’s an n. he becomes more and more unhappy with me when i don’t do what he wants, and surely is not happy with me for the year and a half of nc.) but i surely know what it was like to love him and try to do for him for years and thankless years. in some part of me, i feel very damaged by loving this person who should have loved, protected and guided me, whose pride in me meant everything to me as a kid.
your dad is an asshole, and an effing creep.
this is so not right. 🙁 i am so sorry for your pain.
((((((((((I have a wish: that moving through this pain will bring you to greater healing, awareness and self love.))))))))))
H2H:
I commend you for quitting…yay!!! My dad was a non smoker, but my uncle was a smoker. Both of my brothers also smoke so I worry about them. Seeing my dad suffer didn’t make them quit!
No kidding! If anyone would see those people suffer, I would hope they would quit, but I have seen people see this stuff over and over and they still don’t quit. They have to want to just like you said.
FAD – i take it those questions re money have some baring on your financial arrangements? not sure if he is with jr?! well, can you get someone to follow up on that? (someone with a time stamped camera) that sound like it doesn’t coincide with the terms of your agreement.
LL
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your dad is a total jerk.
I’m hoping as you recover from this wobble that you find some purpose or meaning or benefit out of it, as far reaching as it might seem now. Maybe there is a lesson for your daughter, or future pain you have mitigated by having this happen.
We can never know.
You deserve way better than THIS.
SK
LL – SK said: ‘You deserve way better than THIS.’ HEAR HEAR!!!
Lesson,
I am sorry you had such a day but wonder if it might be a gift after all. Before you could not have handled such an incident without extreme drama. Your post shows grief, but you aren’t going off the deep end. I congratulate you on that. I think that shows real progress and HE can’t take that from you. You went on to share a wonderful time with your daughter, you didn’t let him take that from you. And you taught your cousin the truth in a way she could never have understood with just a conversation. Again, progress. Now she is your ally in an emotionally supportive way as well as respecting your requests. AND HE didn’t get the response from you that I bet he expected either. Ding Ding DIng DING. I’d say you won the day. But now you are sad and as sorry as I am for your grief, I can not help but feel happy for your progress.
Always
Katy
ps You’re in Portland? Isn’t that the city with the naked bike ride today? Did ya see any hot crossed buns?
Louise ~ My only sibling, a brother also still smokes. It breaks my heart to see it, but there is nothing I can do to make him stop.