Last week I picked my daughter up from the Agriscience High School she attends and was greeted with a sure sign of spring. There are dozens of new baby lambs who have all just been born. They are very cute but they also look exactly the same to me. My daughter tells me that they look alike because although there are many ewes there is only one ram, so all the babies have the same dad. Even though the babies look alike and to me they smell alike, each one is unique and special to its mother.
Sheep live in herds and unlike some other mammals they do not care for each other’s babies. A mother sheep must bond to and learn to identify her baby among the vast herd of lambs who are born at the same time. When you consider that sheep are not very smart, this feat is truly one of nature’s miracles.
But why am I discussing sheep on this blog? The reason is FAQ #1. “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Men and women who have been involved with sociopaths want to know why recovery is so difficult. Sheep, believe it or not, teach us a lot about that.
Farmers have known for centuries that mother sheep are selective and will reject strange lambs but lovingly care for their own. A ewe can be fooled into accepting a strange lamb if she receives stimulation to her cervix and vagina. (Please don’t ask me how the farmers accomplish that one.) Stimulation of the cervix and vagina, as happens during birth are part of what produces the love bond a ewe feels toward her baby.
Vaginal and cervical stimulation induces bonding in the mother. Blocking the sensory impulses from the pelvic region with spinal anesthesia blocks the bonding mechanism. The failure to bond after spinal anesthesia can be reversed by oxytocin injection. In fact, oxytocin injection alone can induce acceptance of an unfamiliar lamb even in a non-pregnant ewe. Acceptance/bonding is also disrupted by oxytocin blocking drugs. There is therefore strong evidence that oxytocin mediates bonding in sheep.
It appears that in mammals, the hormone oxytocin not only helps in labor by inducing uterine contractions and facilitates nursing by causing milk ejection, it is also a bonding hormone. Those women who have experienced motherhood and birth can attest to the fact that for many falling in love with a newborn is similar to falling in love with one’s mate. Men are not off the hook when it comes to bonding. They too have oxytocin, and it is important in normal male sexual function.
Scientists are in the process of unraveling the mystery of how oxytocin induces a love bond between a ewe and her lamb. What has been discovered so far has pretty scary implications for humans. Oxytocin induces plasticity in the sheep smell cortex. That means that the cells that respond to smell become very sensitive such that those which are stimulated by the odor of the newborn develop strong connections. By this mechanism, the smell of the baby is imprinted on the mother’s brain.
Another group of researchers studying rodents have actually pinpointed the molecular mechanism responsible for oxytocin’s action in another area of the brain responsible for memory, the hippocampus. Oxytocin binding to its receptor induces production of another protein pCREB. This protein acts to enhance plasticity and long term memory. The long and the short of it is that oxytocin produces a rewiring of the brain! When you love someone, your love changes the wiring in your brain. Since undoing the wiring takes time, recovery takes time.
In our book, Women Who Love Psychopaths (available April 24) Sandra Brown, M.A. makes the observation that many of the women recovering from relationships with psychopaths seem to be exceptionally trusting of others. I have to admit that that description probably fits me. Well, blame that one on oxytocin too.
Paul J. Zak, PhD, is founding director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont. Has done a series of experiments in which he has shown that oxytocin is also responsible for trust in humans. Oxytocin and oxytocin receptors are found in both men and women.
What about sociopaths? They are not particularly trusting and we know they do not bond. Could the problem be oxytocin? In preliminary studies Dr. Zak and colleagues found that sociopaths may have abnormally high levels of oxytocin. This could happen if there is something wrong with their oxytocin receptors such that they are “immune” to oxytocin. Here is a great talk on oxytocin by Dr. Zak. Just fast forward to 3 minutes and 30 seconds to get past the longwinded introduction.
The oxytocin news isn’t all bad for us humans. Remember that a ewe has more than one lamb over the course of her life, so oxytocin is able to rewire the brain more than once in a lifetime. Many people instinctively know that getting into another relationship will help to erase the memory of a bad relationship. Be careful though, if you are recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, you are especially vulnerable to being victimized again by another sociopath.
The other lesson to be learned is that to heal you must get away from the sociopath. Every time you have any intimacy with a sociopath, oxytocin is released and the bond is strengthened. Any intimacy, including talking and hugging, will stimulate oxytocin release. If oxytocin is released in the presence of the sociopath you will trust and feel bonded to him/her.
Well, that explains why I followed him like a sheep! Even after I knew what he was, when he was there I still felt the need to touch him, we were very touchy feely in the relationship. I actually FELT better when he was home, in spite of the other stresses, which I told myself were my own problem any way. Nice to know why I felt that way. That’s me all right, a lamb to the slaughter….
A poignant article for me. My daughter, my only child, just left home today to move into a flat.
Very interesting article. It explains another substance responsible for “love crack” that has been mentioned several times in the blog.
What I am beginning to think is fascinating about this situation, is that in order for all of us to heal, stripping our relationships down to the bear bone, the chemicals involved, is what is needed. I have said before, we have to make our own closure…and we do that by analyzing ourselves, and the predator that came after us.
I have been watching movies, some, with sociopathic characters. And I am finding it so amazing that screenwriters are able to put pen to paper, and thoughts to direction to actors…with all the steps of manipulation or domination involved. “What’s Love Got to Do With It” came on cable last week, so I settled in to watch it. Sadly Ike Turner, Sociopath..even worse..as I was watching, with the recognition of what he was…I became more disgusted, as my son’s father was friends with Ike. At one time, right before the final dissolution of our ongoing relationship, my ex said to me that although this and that about Ike, that Ike was his hero. Ah, but I digress….the point is, film makers, actors and such…I would love to talk to them and see if they understand all the character flaws that they are portraying? And I think to myself ‘They are really lucky if they can really see those flaws readily. I wish I had had that capability’ It would have been nice to have that capability and also not be jaded by it.
But I know about this chemical thing. I went to court a few weeks ago regarding child support. And, although I wouldn’t speak to the S..I could not resist temptation to sneak peaks at him, and I could feel hormones rush. People say that it is the heart that wants what it wants, but now, I am wise enough to know it is really hormones. SO, it really turned into mind over matter. And I walked away unharmed by the hearing.
Great article, Liane!
I’ve done quite a bit of work with getting cows to claim their offspring, and found a chemical which is commercially for sale called “O-NO-MO” which is a powder that you sprinkle on the back of any calf and put it into a stall with a cow (whose calf it is not) and she will immediately start to lick the calf and claim it as hers. I noticed too that other animals in the herd, even steers and bulls, will like a calf coated in this substance.
It appears to be the “dried products of conception” and has a “bloody” smell to me. Whatever it is, it works like magic to make a cow accept a calf not hers.
Occasionally I have had cows that were bottle raised themselves because their mothers died at birth or shortly after their birth, and these cows seem to when they have their own calves not know what “fell out of their butts.” I had one cow who had been bottle raised from 1 week, that was actually apparently afraid of her own calf and ran from it.
I had to put her in confinement, sprinkle the magic powder on her calf and then she actually tried to bite it at first (cows only have teeth on the bottom of their jaws so she didn’t hurt it) but then finally began licking it and allowed it to nurse.
Since that first time, she has been an excellent mother to her calves and there has been no more problem with bonding.
Goats not only recognize their kids by smell, but also by the cry of the baby.
I have also noticed with a herd of cattle that other cattle will go to the spot where a cow has given birth and lick up the fluids that have been deposited there. The cow will usually eat her placenta which comes out 45 minutes to an hour later after the birth.
There is obviously something in the contents of the uterus fluids that causes most mammals to want to lick their offspring. And of course nursing stimulates oxytocin production, and in humans, and I imagine in any mammal, is a very pleasurable experience.
To me, when I was nursing my children the contractions of the uterus stimulated by the nursing were very similar to an orgasm. I would also imagine that a sexual orgasm releases oxytocin, which would account for sex causing bonding between the partners.
The more I learn about the biological basis of our make up and how it effects our thinking the more amazed I am. In reading Sir Laurens van derPost’s writings about basic instincts in primitive man (the Bushmen) as well as other writings concerning the aspects of our intuition whatever it is called (collective consciousness etc).
The amazing feats of directional finding (in the dark) by the Bantu guides when I was in Africa (stars were not visible during a violent storm and we were in a small boat on a miles-long lake in total darkness except for the occasional flash of lightening) Without the Bantu guide we would have perished that night. Even the English game rangers who lived there and grew up there were lost.)
Because we (humans) are no longer regularly “prey” animals as far as other species are concerned, I think maybe we have learned to ignore our instincts about who or what is a predator. Now, for the most part, only other humans prey on us, and those have developed their camouflage tactics so that they are “invisible” to us as predators, just as in the wild, prey animals have developed various strategies to be “invisible” or appear harmless to their chosen prey until it is too late for the prey to escape.
When we were training captive raised Cheetahs to kill so that they could be released into the wild, I also noticed that there was a “self pacification” trait in the antelope that we released into the cheetah’s pens. The low skills of the cheetahs made them grab the antelope from behind and start eating before the antelope were dead, which disturbed me that they had not killed it first. However, In observing the antelope they were in such a state of shock that they did not appear to be in any pain. I know the release of adrenaline is an anesthetic and that might possibly account for it, but in treating cattle they have used this “self pacification” technique for confining them solidly so that they quit struggling. The PhD that developed this concept is a woman named Temple ????, a PhD, who also happens to be an autistic, and she has a custom made apparatus that she can get into that “holds” her securely if she feels the need for that. Interesting woman and her career has been in the humane and safe handling of livestock. Sorry can’t remember her last name, I imagine your daughter can fill that in.
The antelope would even, though not even severely injured, have no corneal reflex if you touched their eyes.
The cheetahs did eventually learn to make killing strikes and were released into the wild successfully enough to breed. The males were not as successful as the females, but the species was reestablished in that area by our release program.
We used the same techniques as a mother cat would have, by bringing in drugged antelope that could barely stand, and the cats successfully fed themselves, then we decreased the amount of drugs that the antelope were given until the cats could catch and kill undrugged animals which were released into their pen which was several acres and they had to chase them quite a ways. They also had to learn to stalk the antelope as well, because the cheetah is very fast, but for very short distances and the antelope can run very fast for miles.
So many things that I have come into contact with during my life from the wild life, to the cattle and dogs, and animal training, and the medical aspects etc etc all are coming together in my mind now–still lots of unknowns, but the picture is more clear I think than ever before.
Some of us by our not listening to our instincts and overriding it with inappropriate training, and becoming vulnerable to the predators among us, and some of us (humans) who have developed the predatory skills along with their own genetic tendency toward aggression and self-interest above all else, we have become almost two “species” that will still interbreed, not quite to the extent of horses and donkeys which will interbreed but produce sterile offspring, but maybe we are on the evolutionary path to do just that. LOL
From world history it is obvious that the Ps have “selected out” millions upon millions of people over time, so who knows what the future holds in a time of nuclear weapons, or weapons of mass destruction. Scary thoughts. I think it is time for me to think about something more positive. LOL
Righteous woman,
I have also been watching movies with sociopathic characters lately. I saw “what’s love got to do with it” yeah he is a textbook case. I also saw “all about eve” (eve is the s, how apt!) and “double jeopardy” recently. I want to ask the scriptwriters too if they know what they are portraying, because sometimes they really are spot on.
I just watched the youtube link for this article and it is really fascinating. S’s oxytocin receptors are blocked. If this research can lead to scientists being able to jump start them somehow, it would be great to see them start to feel things and have the guilt hit them all at once! If only.
In the lecture, he mentions this group of people who constantly took advantage of others in the study. The researchers had a nickname for them. He didn’t say it, but on the powerpoint slide it said “bastards” group. -Very sexually active -No concern for others etc. lol
Back in the days when my husband was a corporate pilot, he was assigned to fly many “stars” both movie stars and singers to and from Las Vegas and Los Angeles, and he got to know quite a few of them very well personally, and actually became quite good friends with several of them that lasted much longer than that particular job did.
I think from the descriptions that he gave me of several of them that they were Ps–so they might not have had to “act” too much to play the roles.
If you pick up just about any “trash magazine” that has information about the “stars” and their behavior, I think you can see that many of them ARE Ns and Ps at least as indicated by their behavior–whether it is precipitated by their status as a “star” (box office power) or if they were Ns or Ps to start with and that was what made them “stars,” the bottom line is the same as far as their behavior is concerned.
What makes me really uncomfortable about these “stars” and “sports stars” and their behavior is that it is held up as a model for young people who idolize them and want to be like them seeing that these people “get away with” that kind of behavior, and wanting to emulate them.
Mike Tyson, O J Simpson, Paris Hilton, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spritzer, to name just a few (there are hundreds I could name) people whose behavior is unacceptable in my opinion.
I’ve read some studies on the failure to bond of children, and there are several things that can cause this failure to bond. I wonder what other reasons (causes) besides an absence or failure of oxytocin receptors in Ps.
For a short time when I was in college I worked with teen-aged mothers who had failed to bond with their offspring and the children were actually suffering from a failure to thrive syndrome like the kids in WWII who were separated from their parents and raised in “orphanage” like conditions without enough cuddling. These kids actually died in droves.
We have also seen a failure to bond syndrome in the kids from Romania who were adopted here–were they give up because their mothers were Ps, and thus had an over abundance of P genes, or was it the environment in the Romanian orphanages where they were not held?
Some of the kids that I worked with were actually in appearance like kids with low thyroid hormone, though their blood levels of the hormone were normal. I never knew the long term outcome of our project to teach these girls to bond with and cuddle their babies, but I saw at the time we were doing it, an improvement in both the mothers and the babies, and in the way the mothers held the babies, how the babies responded emotionally (started cooing) and how the mothers stimulated the infants. The infants also started to gain weight and were less constipated and fussy.
I also had an “interesting” and distressing thing happen to me this week. I weaned off a calf at an appropriate weaning age, and put a halter on her, tied her up, and took her to her new owner, who did not have any other cattle. This calf actually lay down and died of stress. I have never had such a thing happen to a calf and I have handled 100s in just this same manner, but this particular calf actually died from the stress/distress. Talk about feeling like an “egg sucking dog” I really did. She had demonstrated what I thought was a “normal” sullen response when she found she could not escape the halter, by lying down and refusing to move for a while. When she was delivered to her new home, I worked with her for about an hour, stroking her and talking to her, scratching her and giving her tidbits of food that she should have liked (with molasses) and she ate and drank lying down—and lay there till she died about 24 hours later without ever getting up. Though she did not quickly lose interest in her enviornment, it provoked a stress response that caused respiratory distress from electrolyte imbalance in her system. Live and learn.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote of his experiences in the Nazi concentration camps, also mentioned that some of his fellow inmates did just the same thing as the calf did. They were physically healthy individuals that just decided to die, that they were so trapped in an environment that they couldn’t escape that they almost “purposefully” died.
Back again to the interesting things of hormones and will–both the will to live and the will to die. I have seen terminally ill patients that would continue to “hold on” against all odds of science and medicine until someone that they loved arrived to say goodbye, and then within minutes to hours, pass peacefully away. Even if they were seemingly “unconconscious” at the time the person they were waiting for arrived. One elderly patient lived almost 30 days until her daughter who was a missionary arrived from Africa. Every night at almost exactly 5 p.m. she would start to turn blue and “die” but when I came back to work in the morning she was still there, rampant infection, almost no kidney function, and every blood chemical totally “out of whack” and yet she hung on beyond what any of the medical personnel thought was POSSIBLE.
hi in regard to the bonding mine when i met him and aslo through out our relationship i though he craved affection and was very touchy feely. i thought to my self why is he like this, and i think it was becvause of a lack of affection or bonding with his mother as a infant. i dont know this for certain but its the feeling i got somehow. it felt as though he just really wanted to belong to someone or something. has anyone else had this from a s path. be good to hear. ps. i found this article fascinating and it helped me understand why maybe i was addicted to seeing him even after we broke up if i was down or upset i felt like i needed to see him to feel better, even though after seeing him usually made me feel worse the way he treated me. also our relationship ws intensly sexual in the begining and i am wondering if maybe he knew about this oxytocin theory and how it would help me get addicted to being with him and bond to him i wonder.
Jules,
BM was very needy for physical affection. I would say demanding even. In the beginning, we talked about our appetites for affection and I felt that I liked a lot but I realized later that the things I said were taken as a verbal contract. Then when I didn’t deliver, WHOA… NOT GOOD! I noticed any night we didn’t get it together… (you know what I mean) he would have a melt down within 24 hours and start attacking. It didn’t matter how consistent we had been for days if not weeks.
Of course all the attention is flattering at first but now I don’t think it was about me. It was about an addiction for him. It was not about wanting to express love for me.
I doubt they know anything about oxytocin. They just want sex sex sex. Now I understand why they say Rapists are not about sex but about control.
The picture of the farm animals is a little disturbing for me. I just want to see fuzzy CLEAN lambs. :o)
I don’t think most of them know anything about oxytocin either. But I think that on some level, they must know the effect touch and physical intimacy has on us “normals.”
So for them, sex serves two purposes. When they start the whirlwind romance in the beginning, they get the sex they want from us and they also know that we are more likely to keep trying to make the relationship work even if it causes us pain. I think that they probably have some idea too that being touchy feely causes us to bond with them(in a one sided way) even if that knowledge is a result of trial and error. Seducing all the women that they do, they must get pretty good at activating our oxytocin after a while.
Also, what Aloha said about the addiction thing on their part- I think that probably is related to their constant need for stimulation. They get bored just sitting and hanging out with us because it means nothing to them. They need stimulation 24/7. So maybe when they can’t get stimulation from us in that way or the new relationship passion wanes, they need to find a new way to be stimulated- by messing with our heads. Maybe the drama of a fight or making our lives hell can also substitute for sex in a pinch.
ariadne, righteous woman; i have seen a few movies with the same notion you talk about and i wonder ifthe producers and directors know about s paths and n s the two most recent i watched match point which i watched with my s path ex and the main character was a big s path totally he could have been any one of our exes here he used all the same tools and tricks our s paths do. it was by woody allen and ithink he must have done research or known a spath to get it sooo right get it out ladies and watch it and you will know what i mean. also the most recent i saw was the other boelyn girl about king henry wow big s path king henry and this movie really shows it so even back then they were around and the sad thing too is that his public accepted his disgusting behaviour but then if they didnt they would get thier heads chopped off so that explains a lot. but also s pathic behviour in this movie spot on go watch it too. free;i agree totally with you, what is a parental seeker, i havent heard of this but it soundslike my ex could be one. i was older than him too and worked as a child carer. thanks again.