Last week I picked my daughter up from the Agriscience High School she attends and was greeted with a sure sign of spring. There are dozens of new baby lambs who have all just been born. They are very cute but they also look exactly the same to me. My daughter tells me that they look alike because although there are many ewes there is only one ram, so all the babies have the same dad. Even though the babies look alike and to me they smell alike, each one is unique and special to its mother.
Sheep live in herds and unlike some other mammals they do not care for each other’s babies. A mother sheep must bond to and learn to identify her baby among the vast herd of lambs who are born at the same time. When you consider that sheep are not very smart, this feat is truly one of nature’s miracles.
But why am I discussing sheep on this blog? The reason is FAQ #1. “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Men and women who have been involved with sociopaths want to know why recovery is so difficult. Sheep, believe it or not, teach us a lot about that.
Farmers have known for centuries that mother sheep are selective and will reject strange lambs but lovingly care for their own. A ewe can be fooled into accepting a strange lamb if she receives stimulation to her cervix and vagina. (Please don’t ask me how the farmers accomplish that one.) Stimulation of the cervix and vagina, as happens during birth are part of what produces the love bond a ewe feels toward her baby.
Vaginal and cervical stimulation induces bonding in the mother. Blocking the sensory impulses from the pelvic region with spinal anesthesia blocks the bonding mechanism. The failure to bond after spinal anesthesia can be reversed by oxytocin injection. In fact, oxytocin injection alone can induce acceptance of an unfamiliar lamb even in a non-pregnant ewe. Acceptance/bonding is also disrupted by oxytocin blocking drugs. There is therefore strong evidence that oxytocin mediates bonding in sheep.
It appears that in mammals, the hormone oxytocin not only helps in labor by inducing uterine contractions and facilitates nursing by causing milk ejection, it is also a bonding hormone. Those women who have experienced motherhood and birth can attest to the fact that for many falling in love with a newborn is similar to falling in love with one’s mate. Men are not off the hook when it comes to bonding. They too have oxytocin, and it is important in normal male sexual function.
Scientists are in the process of unraveling the mystery of how oxytocin induces a love bond between a ewe and her lamb. What has been discovered so far has pretty scary implications for humans. Oxytocin induces plasticity in the sheep smell cortex. That means that the cells that respond to smell become very sensitive such that those which are stimulated by the odor of the newborn develop strong connections. By this mechanism, the smell of the baby is imprinted on the mother’s brain.
Another group of researchers studying rodents have actually pinpointed the molecular mechanism responsible for oxytocin’s action in another area of the brain responsible for memory, the hippocampus. Oxytocin binding to its receptor induces production of another protein pCREB. This protein acts to enhance plasticity and long term memory. The long and the short of it is that oxytocin produces a rewiring of the brain! When you love someone, your love changes the wiring in your brain. Since undoing the wiring takes time, recovery takes time.
In our book, Women Who Love Psychopaths (available April 24) Sandra Brown, M.A. makes the observation that many of the women recovering from relationships with psychopaths seem to be exceptionally trusting of others. I have to admit that that description probably fits me. Well, blame that one on oxytocin too.
Paul J. Zak, PhD, is founding director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont. Has done a series of experiments in which he has shown that oxytocin is also responsible for trust in humans. Oxytocin and oxytocin receptors are found in both men and women.
What about sociopaths? They are not particularly trusting and we know they do not bond. Could the problem be oxytocin? In preliminary studies Dr. Zak and colleagues found that sociopaths may have abnormally high levels of oxytocin. This could happen if there is something wrong with their oxytocin receptors such that they are “immune” to oxytocin. Here is a great talk on oxytocin by Dr. Zak. Just fast forward to 3 minutes and 30 seconds to get past the longwinded introduction.
The oxytocin news isn’t all bad for us humans. Remember that a ewe has more than one lamb over the course of her life, so oxytocin is able to rewire the brain more than once in a lifetime. Many people instinctively know that getting into another relationship will help to erase the memory of a bad relationship. Be careful though, if you are recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, you are especially vulnerable to being victimized again by another sociopath.
The other lesson to be learned is that to heal you must get away from the sociopath. Every time you have any intimacy with a sociopath, oxytocin is released and the bond is strengthened. Any intimacy, including talking and hugging, will stimulate oxytocin release. If oxytocin is released in the presence of the sociopath you will trust and feel bonded to him/her.
Even humans have a very strong sense of “pleasure” with smells that are attached to certain pleasurable experiences.
My adopted son D finds the smell of skunk scent pleasurable because when he was very little his dad used to take him hunting, and to cover his human scent, his dad would put skunk smell on his pants, so D associated the smell of skunk with a pleasant experience, though this is usually considered a BAD scent.
I used to love to go to the barn with my grandmother to milk when I was a small child, and the smell of FRESH cow manure is actually something that brings back this pleasant experience. Even though most people would find this scent “bad” it only conjures up good associations for me.
After my husband died, I went to the dirty clothes hamper and took out a shirt he had worn to work in the day before which was dirty and filled with his sweat–normally not an odor I would have relished, but I lay down to sleep that night with that dirty shirt clutched to my nose, smelling my husband’s scent and it was like a “pacifier” to a baby.
I couldn’t bring myself to wash the sheets on our bed for weeks because his pillow and the sheets still had his smell on them. I even kept the dirty shirt in a plastic bag for a long time because I didn’t want it to lose the smell of him. It finally did anyway, but that smell was so comforting to me.
We humans aren’t always as aware of the smells of our family as a sheep or a cow would be or a dog, but we still react to those smells in positive and negative ways depending on how that person effected our lives.
When we are angry, scared, or having sex, we have different sweat glands give off scents than when we are just sweating from the heat or the hard work we are doing. Those smells are a different chemical character than “heat sweat” which is mostly salt and water, and they have a musky odor.
This is how dogs can smell if you are afraid of them even if you “act brave” because your fear will give off this scent which the dog detects as your FEAR.
We humans may also “imprint” on the smell of a loved one’s perfume, shampoo, or other “artificial” scent, or the “sexy” sweat. There are so many variables to scent, and also our awareness of our reactions to it as well. Interesting stuff, biology. I think the more we learn the more we should realize that we, too, though “the hairless apes,” still have some things to learn about our on instincts and what really makes us tick besides our intellect.
Greengirl wrote:
“I tend to be the type of person who bonds very strongly with anyone I have sex with, more so than average I would say. I have friends who can have casual sex and not get emotionally bent out of shape about it, but I don’t think I’m the type who can do this. I also know other women who are like me, who bond very strongly to their partners. Maybe it’s a hormonal difference?”
Me too Greengirl, I too bond very strongly with a partner after intimacy, and often wondered how some women cope emotionally with casual sex. Also regarding smell, I found my ex’s natural scent very endearing and sexy. I’ve never had that experience before or since with anyone else.
newworld, my ex suggested several sexual ideas that he would like for us to try, including group sex. He was into all sorts of things as it turned out. When I refused point blank he tried to make a joke out of it. He was a real sicko.
I personally think that anyone who is capable and desirous of “random sexual partners” or “sex only” (without any relationship) is waving a BIG RED FLAG to not being able to BOND normally to others.
One of the BIGGIES with Ps is that many/most of them are also sex addicts with multiple partners simultaneously, or frequent changes of single partners.
Keeping in mind that in our and other cultures, adolescent males tend to be desirous of “all they can get;” in full adults, male or female, I think there is “something wrong” with ANYONE who seeks “casual” sex as a way of life.
This is not an issue of morality that I am explaining, but a “state of mind” separate from “moral issues.” Even if a person who “believes” that Casual sex is wrong and is afraid to get caught so they don’t DO it, if they WANT to do it, or DO it, I think there is some “screw loose” there somewhere.
I have noticed though in dealing with adolescents, primarily ones that had “problems,” that some girls give sex in exchange for what they HOPE will be bonding and commitment, and then it doesn’t turn out that way, and they move on quickly to the next HOPEFUL CANDIDATE for intimacy, so end up having many partners, but I don’t think it is because they are looking for casual sex as a “way of life,” they are, instead, I think, seeking commitment in the wrong way. Unfortunately, the “casual sex as a way of life” males that prey on these women who are seeking commitment and bonding, use their vulnerability for their P-purposes.
Who was talking about scent? Oh my gosh! I forgot about this. Sometimes early on…during my two weeks of euphoria, I was hugging the BAD MAN and I remember smelling him like I was a hound dog or something. I mean it was more like I was SNORTING him and then I caught myself and started laughing because I realized I ws trying to inhale him or something… like become one or something. I don’t know what I was doing but the attraction was definately chemical for me. We have used the word “intoxicating” before.
I hate now when I have the VERY RARE date and I feel almost nothing for someone and I am digging to muster up just the tiniest spark…. Nuthin’. RATS!!!
It’s funny to talk about but at the same time, it’s sad to me. I felt such a powerful connection and I would love to have that with someone but I think it is very rare or maybe… Hollywood.
What about yo OXDOVER.. you had a good husband for a long time? Is that what it’s supposed to be like? Intoxicating? or just a mild buzz?
Aloha,
It was intoxicating most of the time! We had our times when we butted heads, he was an engineer and I am an “uppity” woman, so that was a given.
He was THE most exciting and intoxicating man I have ever known, the smartest (really) and most interesting man, and lots of fun too.
He also had a very specific odor about him–it was strong at least to me (not strong like body stink, just intense) and like I said about holding on to his shirt just to smell that smell that was HIM and him alone. I even felt sad washing the sheets on our bed sometime after he died (quite a while before I could make myself do it) of course by then the smell of HIM was gone…and they did NEED washing. LOL
The P-XBF was “intoxicating” at first, and a couple of other guys I dated “way back when” were as well. Not Ps, just regular guys, but I was intoxicated at least, several of them are still good friends of mine. I tend to stay “friends” with even x-bfs, and have many long-time decades-old relationships with people I care very much about.
I’ve been on VERY few dates (I mean like only 2-3) since the death of my husband except for the P-BF, I was quickly NOT interested in any of them, not so much lack of fire works as it was lack of wanting to take on their life style, where they lived, raising more kids at my age, financial problems, etc. etc.
When you are young and “flexible” and aren’t “settled in” and “set in your ways” it is easier to “hook up” with someone without disrupting your entire life. Now we all have “baggage” in the form of homes, vehicles, debts, no debts, etc. and I’m not interested in taking on someone else’s problems like debt, raising kids etc. or some guy with 4 x wives, extremely bad health, etc. etc. so cuts down the “potential” pool to about zero. The ones I might consider who are my age 60s, could have a 40 yr old (can’t compete with that in looks) LOL so not likely I will even have too many more dates in my life, but am reconciled to that–believe it or not! And feel pretty satisfied the way things are going lately. Getting my own head together!
Thanks Oxdover. I just wanted to hear your perspective. :o)
A friend of mine left a tepid marriage, one that had long ago turned platonic, for a sociopath. She was in her mid 50s. She thought she would marry this other man. She was over the moon, then she learned he had fifteen other “fiances” and three wives on three continents, that he’d been gaming her all along, and she went rushing back to the husband. She says, “I just want safety now.”
But here’s the thing: that marriage she fled back to is safe, but it’s stultifying. You can see it when you’re with them. She carps at him all the time, he grits his teeth and endures. They both sigh a lot. What she ended up with is, of course, better than a sociopath, but maybe those aren’t the only two options–safety and sociopathy.
You and me and everyone on here have paid our dues, we’ve burned off lifetimes of bad karma (g), we’ve learned a lot of lessons. Maybe we’ve earned the right to believe that there’s someone out there who can love us and whom we can love–in a way that allows both parties to blossom, not one of them be blissed out on fantasy and the other to furtively score.
Why should these S-es be allowed to kill off the hope that someone can love us for who we are?
Stranger things do happen.
Yes, I would also love to have another wonderful relationship before I die and leave this life, but at the same time, that relationship is an ADDITION to a satisfying life, not the CONTENT of a satisfying life. It will NOT take a relationship to make me happy with the life I am living. I will NOT feel that I am somehow missing out on “life” if I don’t have a “relationship”—
The Apostle Paul recommends that we be CONTENT whatever our status is in life–even if we are a slave and there is no chance to gain freedom, be content and don’t let whatever adverse circumstances that are in your life make your life TORTURE. He does recommend if you can improve it, to do so, if you can “gain freedom” do so—and gladly, but if you are in a situation that YOU CANNOT change then be happy where you are, don’t let that circumstance ruin your life.
Are you in a wheel chair? Don’t let being in a wheel chair and wanting to walk when there is no hope that you can walk, ruin your life. Don’t sit there and say “Oh, if only I could walk I would be happy” BE HAPPY without walking. If some miracle operation comes along that gives you the ability to walk, GRAB it, but in the meantime, BE HAPPY ANYWAY.
After I husband died, I really felt I could NOT be “happy” unless I had a man to love me, now I know that I NEED TO BE HAPPY even without that. I WANT to be happy without that. I CAN BE HAPPY without that. NO dream or wish for something outside my control is going to be allowed to make me UNhappy, unless I let it.
That was the thing I could not see at first, being by myself. I thought I had to have someone beside me….it would be nice, of course, but it isn’t ESSENTIAL TO MY HAPPINESS any more.
Lesley, I feel sorry for your friend and her “sparkless” marriage, filled with bitterness and recriminations. I have a couple of friends whose marriage is like that and they will stay together forever—forever unhappy, but not realizing that they could change it, or move on. (shaking head here) and there are so many marriages like that—and it is a shame for all involved that they choose to live like that. What a waste of lives. (rolling eyes AND shaking head here) LOL
Another couple I know are finally getting a divorce after 30+ yrs of marriage and 5+ years of separation in which they still both worked in their mutual business each day. The husband just got tired of the carping and left and moved out. She continued to try to “fix” the marriage by daily telling him that “you should come home to me and be a proper husband you no good son-of-a-bitch, why don’t you just come home and love me like you should, you low life no good piece of dog crap” LOL ROTFL He would stand there in the middle of their business and not respond, not say a word, or turn and walk off with her screaming after him in frustration that she couldn’t “get a rise” out of him.
They recently sold their business and are finally dividing the assets. When people act like that you want to stand them in the corner until “they learn to behave.” All of the aforementioned people are good, kind and caring people, not psychopaths, but they don’t know how to LET GO of their own personal agendas and to work together for a relationship. They continue to hold on to bitterness for slights 30 years old and to poke and prod and continually seek revenge for those slights that are so irrelevant today. WHY? I guess maybe it is “safe” as they know what to expect, but it sure isn’t healthy or comforting or enjoyable I wouldn’t think. I’ll pass on that kind of a relationship. Don’t need it any more than I need another P in my life. If I can’t find either by accident or design some man who has a healthy way of dealing with relationships–I’ll just be happy by myself. I sure don’t want or need more grief.
Free
This was so powerful:
“ I did something wonderful, he never commented which was very upsetting and I felt so useless and sad. I never want that ever again and it stops with me.
A man isn’t essential to my happiness either. Happiness needs to come from within. Just like truth does. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I don’t need to be. ”
You are so right. There are relationships that, regardless how you feel about the person, feel as though you are really all alone – or worse, with someone who doesn’t value you as a human being at all. They’re not worth having – and more painful than being alone.
Sadly enough, I did get to the point you describe, happy with myself, ready after five years to finally try and meet someone new and create a real partnership. What happened instead is that the N came back and I allowed for it. Mea culpa.
Am not back to square one, but certainly not where I was right before he came back, in terms of relationship readiness.
And he also loved to criticize me. I told him once that’s why I so infrequently invited him over, because it was like getting a litany of what’s wrong with LilOrphan. Too judgmental. I didn’t criticize his lifestyle choices, or how he worked, or how he conducted his business or friendships. All of that and more was fodder for his critique.
Did you ever tell your S, either outright or somewhat lightheartedly, that you felt condemned all the time? And if so, did it do any good at all?
Orphan,
As far as telling a P that you felt “condemned” all the time—yes, yes yes!!!!
I wrote letter after letter to my P-son begging him to get off my back to quit sending me lists upon lists of things to do for him, that I was floundering, that I was unable to take care of myself much less do things for him, and all I got was “get up and go do it mom, you have always been the strong one in the family, you are just not trying”
I begged my BF to be straight with me, to quit with the constant crap of telling me things about me that he didn’t like. Same type of response.
I begged my P-by-proxy mother to quit demanding all my time that I needed to take care of myself, that my internal world was falling apart and I needed to take care of ME–her only concern was for herself and my P-son. To hell with me. To hell with MY needs, my health, my feelings
You might as well tell SATAN that the fire is too hot as to tell a P that what they are doing is hurting you, they, like Satan, will only SHOVEL ON MORE COAL.
Realizing the pain that comes with TRULY understanding how LITTLE THEY CARE is what makes us I think feel so worthless, so unvalued. Because the realization that we are NOT VALUED is TRUE. And, ugly truth hurts. Now I don’t NEED their validation, their “love” (if that’s love, please hate me!)
I can validate myself….who the hell needs them!?!