Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “William20.” He writes about the shocking and flagrant way in which a sociopath reveals her disorder, although he didn’t realize it for a long time. Statements in brackets [ ] are editor’s notes.
I joined Lovefraud about three years ago, although I was aware of you before that, when my relationship with a covert narcissist I was engaged to for over two years ended horribly (at least for me).
I thought I had recovered and in time “re-discovered” a lost love and a person who I considered to be a good friend for more than 19 years.
We married last December and after I completed a full rehab and upgrade of the home we purchased in January she locked me out the next day. I had begun to peg her as a narcopath and called her on it. Not smart I know. But I had to know and I guess I found out.
I began suspecting she was highly sociopathic more than narcissistic as the past months wore on and she instituted court proceedings and an attempt at false felony charges in family court via DVROs [domestic violence restraining orders]. Fortunately she “fudged” in court and the judge that day did not believe her and her ridiculous evidence fell way below the standards needed. Her illegal voice recordings although permitted showed her to be more the perpetrator of violent acts than the victim she was professing to be so the case was dismissed.
Today, I actually followed my instincts and downloaded your recovery book you offered and there it was! The term spath. Used to be S-Path, the shortened term for sociopath. Narcopath seems to have replaced it these days and I had forgotten all about it.
SPATH. Immediately I thought of the email address she used and had used for the 19 plus years I had known “my friend:” spathcr@xx-mail [initials and domain are changed]. What a fool. Seriously.
Read more: Is your partner a sociopath?
The email always bothered me and made me a cringe a bit and in 19 years I just did not make or must have chosen to overlook the connection. What a laugh she must get every time anyone, especially a significant other writes to her at her email address. She is publicly flaunting in our faces who she is….spath = of course sociopath cr = are the initials of her first and last name.
She knows she is a sociopath or has been told she is and is just making a joke of it in her mind.
She did drop hints that she had been to counseling over the years and my breaking off our relationship over 15 years ago made me one of the four guys that had forced her into counseling. Her words, not mine. That I was the one guy who had gotten away and now she had me. Yeah, like a black widow with her prey trapped in her well-spun web (of lies). It seems likely that one of her counselors one day must have told her they suspected she was, or they had diagnosed “CR” as a sociopath.
It just clicked a few minutes ago. I am telling you because I have to tell someone…and I know you will understand that feeling. I feel like a fool. But I know I am not alone.
But its my sixth decade in life and I had had hoped for so much more. I have been more carefully vetting people that come into my life these days, especially over the last 3 years when I became aware of long-term narcissistic influences in my life thanks to my ex-fiancee.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
But with “CR” I only gave her relationship with me a cursory re-examination because we had been “friends” so long and she did not exhibit any obvious overt or covert narcissistic tendencies. Of course not. Because she is a sociopath, and narcissism in her case for sure, has only been exhibited post devaluation and discard phase, post “relationship.” And it is definitely an overt narcissism.
Hard to believe sometimes any of this has happened and is happening.
Anyway, Donna, thank you for allowing me to share about how this sociopath reveals her disorder. Maybe it will help someone else.
Begin Recovery from a Sociopath: A Journey of a Thousand Miles…
I know first hand what William20 is talking about. I’m truly sorry to hear of these terrible and nightmarish stories. These people do so much damage and I’m realizing as Donna has said there are many of them amongst us (scary) to say the least.
I am a recovering alcoholic for 11 years now. I met my monster at a AA meeting, we started dating after six months of knowing each other, I was already a year and a half sober by then. What a nice and kind and considerate man, too good to be true! First red flag that I ignored. I had been a marriage for 23 years and it was a abusive (verbally) and emotionally. I was living in a transitional housing and pulling my life together with my 12 year old daughter. I had been through so much in the past and I thought wow I finally met the man of my dreams! HA!
I was abused sexually as a five year old by my father and he was an alcoholic, when I was a kid in the 60s there wasn’t a thing as tell someone, say something. I was so petrified of my father that there was no way for me to let someone know. He threatened that if I ever said anything the police would take me away and him and I would never see my mother again. She never knew, he always did it when she was at work and I was home alone with him, disgusting. Then very man that was suppose to PROTECT was the very monster that we thought were only strangers. I was finally able to tell my mother when I was in my later twenty’s and all she could do was cry, and now knew why I was so afraid of this man. I never wanted to see him again and they separated when I was about seven so thank God the abuse which seemed to last forever really was about two years, which was a lifetime and would set me up for future wrong relationships, that I know now.
This AA guy and I dated for about five years and through those years I kept seeing things that were signs, but I shooed them away as my imagination, WRONG! He didn’t work and was not progressing they way I was and I could tell he was jealous. I wanted more out of life, he wanted to stay on assistance live in low income housing and just exist.
I moved out of my transitional housing after a year and a half and was granted public low income housing, not in the greatest of neighborhoods. Brand new townhouse with central air, washer and dryer two bedrooms and two bathrooms. I was so happy, I was going to get my life together if it killed me! He told me that he wasn’t going to come and visit and was I crazy moving in a bad neighborhood with my young daughter and we were going to get eaten up alive and on and on. I was catching buses everywhere because I didn’t have a car, he had finally gotten a vehicle after receiving a lump sum of money and I had to nag and plead for him to get something, so we could get off these Godforsaken buses. He only used the car against me I depended on him to take me grocery shopping and anywhere else I had to go, we would go grocery shopping in the summer and I would have a car full of grocery’s and he had to stop and visit his mother! Just for a minute, RIGHT! It was more like 45 minutes to and hour! Food defrosting in the car! Meats, milk and eggs just the short list of things that shouldn’t sit out like that!
I finally got a job and then was approved for a second hand vehicle, he DID not like that and that’s when the mask slipped all the way. How dare you get a car the day my mother is in the hospital dying! She was not dying as as far as I know she’s still alive and probably living better then anyone I know! It was over, I had had enough! I went home packed his bag and the next day when he came over I didn’t let him stay, I said there’s your bags get out and don’t ever come back, he left with no problem. But I was so confused. Did I do the right thing? Maybe I was just imaging things. The night before when my daughter and I got home she for some reason pulled up this thing on the web ten signs your dating a sociopath. It was strange, he had so many of them, my mind was saying come on can’t be. More red flags. Fast forward a year went past with no contact what so ever. I was depressed and so lost. He unfriended me on Facebook and I was beginning to wonder is he alright, is he somewhere drunk or worse dead. Why did I even care! But all I could think about was the good times and how could I let this GREAT man get away, stupid thinking! I got in contact with him and I was in the process of moving to a really nice neighborhood. He of course started the charm all over again, helped me move and then was trying to work his way back into my good graces, after all he hadn’t dated at all since we broke up! He MUST have loved me!!! Little did I know!!! Four months later the day of my birthday he bought me a ring and of course I said yes. But I had to get divorced first, which thank God never happened.
Just a recap, I was abused as a child sexually, so was he! I was in recovery, so was he! Life had not been fair to either one of us, we were meant to be. Yeah right! He held back on being intimate blaming himself of course. I was noticing he was just greedy and felt he was initialed to everything he wanted, I mean even food! He was in counseling for his PTSD and once again the mask slipped. He was gone one weekend and he went to another state to “help” one of his family member’s. It had been a really bad snow storm and I was so worried, he didn’t get in touch with me at all, something isn’t right. Come to find out he never went out of state he was at his apartment with some female the whole time and when I finally got in touch with him, ” what do you want, this isn’t working with us!) WHAT?? I was finally done, yeah right. Took him back for a couple of days, but something inside just didn’t feel right. I kept thinking are you crazy, are you not worth being treated with respect!!! This is why you got out of your marriage and got sober!!! What’s wrong with you!!! So I told him I can’t do this, I have to end this now while I still love you because otherwise it’s going to be very ugly. He excepted that, with I understand I’ll never find someone like you again, but you will heal and tried to send me a link for to a website for people with broken hearts! Ugh, really the nerve. Days later I get a text, hey how about if you come over for the weekend and we can get drunk, go to a bar and just have some fun or better yet I’ll get the booze and we can party at my apartment!!!!! It’s on me and we can start over again with our sobriety together!!!! One word was spoken to him in that text from me DEVIL. I was really done and haven’t looked back since. My son died a year after my husband. My son was only in his 30’s and of course Facebook let out the news even before I knew, this is how I found out!! Devastated is a under statement, no child should die before their parent. I don’t know why things like this happen, only God has those answers. Would you believe me if I told you the monster messaged me on Facebook even though we weren’t friends on there, and said call me with his number, I’m not going to lie I was very tempted, but I didn’t. Through the years after and finding Donna and her YouTube channel, I know without a doubt in my mind that he most definitely a true blue 14k gold SOCIOPATH! My daughter has told me that he now has another victim. She knows because she has checked his social network. I said please I could care less, although I’m praying for this women to find out before it’s too late! He just gave her a ring as well! My daughter says she’s only looking because she wants to see karma get him. I told her to let it go, karma doesn’t effect people like that. I’m healing, still after almost five years. I do not date and I refuse to, I don’t have that trust anymore. I’m almost 60 and I really could care less at this time and day. I have a good life, I’m thankful for all God has given me. But I came to realize they love to see suffering and having power in anyway they can even the smallest things like grocery shopping, sad people.
I was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer, and went through surgery had it removed and have to go back for more exploratory procedures. But I know in my heart God has given me the strength of a lion, only by his grace and love I’m here to say this. I say to anyone out there that has known or been involved with these ALIENS, listen to Donna she knows, she’s right on point with all of it. Thank you a million times over Donna you are a true angel, keep up the wonderful work you do! I also would like to say to the people and most of all William20, it gets better with time. I have seen more and more flashbacks of all of the things I missed, red flags I should say. They were right there all the time. But in the end, my sobriety being threatened was the real eye opener. Thank you for listening, I hope it helped, I know it’s helped me immensely! Stay safe and God bless.
Jeanbolser – thank you so much for sharing your story. Wow – you have truly been through it. I am so glad that you have listened to yourself, and you have emerged victorious! You are strong, and I am sure you have the strength to meet your upcoming challenges.
God bless you!