Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Hi All,
I am new to the site as far as posting goes but have been visiting and reading for about a year. I apologize if I am posting in the wrong section, but to be honest with you, I am not understanding if we can start our own posts or if we have to post replies in others…. sorry…if someone can help me out with this question I’d appreciate it.
I am going to try and make this short and to the point. I dated a guy that I thought was “the one.” We got engaged, bought a home and the rest is downhill from there. While we were dating I would have to say that the only persoanlity “flaw” that I saw in him was that he was “a little jealous.” He was a mess financially but I really thought that he was going through a depression or something. Within a year and a half prior to our meeting, he had gotten a divorce and went through a horrible surgery that left him in a coma for a few months. (His wife cheated on him and left while he was in the coma. But there is more to that I have found out.) Anyhow, we got engaged, got the house and then began the hell. He was suspicious of ever move I made, everything I said, etc. He was emotionally abusive but so smooth about it. It was all so covert. I knew something was happening to me, but I couldnt put my finger on it. All of his criticisms were said with “good intentions.” BARF. I am giving the really condensed version of events here..partially because my story is probably like many of the others on here. Most of the time, he was loving and affectionate. I was on such a pedestal and I never had a man that I was with “love” me so much and want to be with me all of the time. Anyhow, things got really bad..to the point that I got a RO put on him for emotional abuse. I was shocked that they granted it, but they did. He lad to leave the house…… that was a year and a half ago. I know that I had some kind of breakdown. I started therapy and I had continued to educate myself via internet and books. I had thought that he was “only” verbally abusive, but thenI needed to know WHY. Googling verbal abuse lead me to emotional abuse, lead to to the Cluster Bs. For the whole part of this year and a half I have read and learned about the B’s, Borderline and AntiSocial fit him very very well. I told my T hat I thought he was BPD and she was impressed. lol. The next sentence out of her mouth was “Sociopaths….” Huh? I thought you agreed he was a borderline? She said all of the cluster Bs overlap one another in one was or another..comorbid.
I am getting off of the whole reason I am posting… Here is why I am posting. I have gone back and forth with him for a better part of this year and a half. I have kept it a huge secret from my family and friends. When I wouldnt talk with him or see him, he stalked me like it was his job. It was extremely frightening. I would find evidence that he had been outside me home, in my car, or he would send me messages basically reciting what I was doing at that very minute. Dont ask me why, but I went back with him. I was still so deep in the FOG. I still felt like I loved him so much and that maybe, just maybe he would change. I mean, he said over and over again that he knew he had a problem. I would go back with him but keep him at arms length. I was afraid to trust him again. I was afraid of what my family would think being that this caused them much stress too. I hid him fromm the world. Then he would either say something or do something, though not as outright as the verbal abuse I would get at home when we lived together, and I would just know it wasnt going to really change. I would end it with him and try to go NC again. ANd then, I would end up back with him AGAIN. Part of me believes that I was very fearful of him…better to know what he was doing instead of wonder if he was in the bushed outside the house or watching from afar, and then part of me felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He used to tell me that he gave up everything to be with me. (He moved to my state, sold some prized possessions of his, and committed insurance fraud to get rid of a few expenses.) It ended up that he would work but get dead end jobs..pay no taxes, have no health insurance, bring hoe no real money. I was paying for more than my far share and he kept taking. I did keep giving though…deep inside I was seething and did think that *maybe* I was being taken advantage of, but he would tell me that he loved me and would never hurt me…. You get what I am saying? So, after losing 2 jobs (one for not being able to pass a surprise pee test and another because karma paid a visit for past wrongs, he has no job once again. I went back with him about 3 months ago. This is the part that I am also struggling with. I went back but I am not sure why. I mean, yes, I still care for him, but not in the same capacity as the other times. I think what happens is those “lets meet up and talk” deals and it always ended up with us having sex. Then it would just progress to seeing one another again and again and again until we were a “couple” again. The thing is, this last time, I faked it all..faked being happy, faked being in love, fakes the sex, faked the I love yous, etc. That really bothers me that I did that. I dont want to make excuses, but I think fear of him stalking AND the verbal lashings he can give out and the guilt he can lay on me make me go back to him. Does that make sense to anyone?
I ended it again with him 4 nights ago. The week before we went to a friends wedding and “looked” so in love. I disgust myself. Anyhow, I had been reading on here again and it gave me strength. I actaully got really pissed off. Here is how it went down. I took on a part time job at night in addition to my full time job. At closing, my boss and I started talking. I was off for a week and we were cathcing up on our kids, what I did during my week off, just general bsing. I was about an hour late. I didnt call him to tell him. (we dont live together anymore. He lives in the neighboring state about 40 minutes away.) Pleeeeease…like I could call and tell him that me and my boss were talking..I’m not nuts. My boss is a man and any man to him is a threat. My staying and shooting the shit with my boss would have been called “inappropriate” and set me up for another guilt trip of some sorts. ANyhow, he started to call my cell. I ignored the calls. (Remember, I have hid the fact taht I am seeing him again from everyone.) He then called the business directly. I told my boss please not to answer it. So, I get out of there, call him as soon as I get in my car and he is LIVID. I did lie. I told him that he had a problem with the books that we were working on. He didnt believe me at all which is normal anyhow. He always thought I was cheating on him or being “inappropriate.” (I have never ever cheated on him in any kind of way.) He was yelling and carrying on and telling me that he is not stupid and he knows what is going on (he thinks I am cheating, etc.) I BLEW. Here I am working another job, not only to help myself, but from which he has no problem taking money from me from because he is in such a bad way right now and he is going tot accuse me yet again of being something I am not. I work my ass off, try to help him (though this last time I have not given him even a third of what I did in the past and this is what I get? He claims that he was worried about me, but if that was true, and maybe part of it is, why would he go right to the cheating thing? Now, I have never once in these 3+ years of knowing him told him a single negative thing about himself. I never wanted to hurt him. I basically in not so many words told him that I am tired of all of his shit. From his psycho son (that is a whole nother story in itself that you wont believe) to him losing jobs due to him own stupididty, to my having to pay from everything all the time, etc. I told him that I am fed up and dont need to be accused any longer of being something that I am not and being his pocketbook. I couldnt believe the things that came out of my my mouth. (And, I need to say this..he has never come right out and asked me for money….Never said “SUnkiss, will you loan me XXX. I need to pay this or that or whatever. It was always done in a pitiful way… “Oh God, I’m going to lose heat in the house. My life is so F’d up, I’m trying Sunkiss…blah, blha, blah…and stupid me would give it to him.
A couple handful of texts went back and forht after this exchange…him aking me what he was to me, my boyfriend, his fiance, his what?( I told him that he is someone that I love that I have been trying to trust again.) ….how he still includes me in everything in his life and he is a “BIG SECRET” in mine…..how he never asked me for anything, money, etc…….how I am materialistic and only worry about money…..how he has tried to make things right and I havent done a GD thing…….. there are a bunch of others but you get the jest of it all I am sure.
He told me that everytime he hits rock bottom, I fuck him over. He said that he knew when he lost his job 2 weeks ago that I was going to do this to him “again.” WHat the hell am I supposed to do???? Im tired of it all. Tired of hiding, tired of honeymooning with him knowing full and well that the chances of things being alright in the long term are null, tired of paying for everything every time we do anything, including stop at convenience stores for a pop and a pack of cigarettes. I’m tired of feeling taken advantage of and I’m tired of feeling guilt. I’m tired of second guessing if I am the sane one, or if I really am this heartless bitch he claims I am being.
I broke it off with him Thursday night. I got texts on Friday. Saturday I got a text that said..Drama,drama, drama…we both know you are going to talk to me again so why keep up this charade?” Oh did this give me strength!!!! It just shows how weak he thinks I rally am. After that, I got one telling me how I will never be happy and how my track record proves it, blah, blah, blah. Then he threw in my fact in a “nice way” about my having to be on antidepressants and med for bipolar. (My T isnt even “sure” that I am..and if I am..it is the lowest grade possible.) I didnt respond to any of it,which is a huge accomplishment for me. I wanted to though. After that last message, it was quiet alllll night long. (I know what this means.)
And then today, I was working in my yard and the dog went running. There he stood..in the driveway of the house that was ours at one time. He looked disgusted. I asked what he wanted. He wanted to know “Why I lie.” Huh???? Why do you lie? He said “5 days ago you were bleep bleep bleeping with me (sexual) and now you wont even talk to me over what??? You say you love me and it is all bullshit.” I threw my hands up in the air and told him, who knows, I’m a liar, I lie to everyone…ok? So get in your car and get out of here. He sid no, he wanted to know why I lie. Dear God, I couldnt take it! I said I dont know and if I am such a liar why did he drive 40 minutes to see me? He told me again how I f’d his whole life up. He told me his life was fine before meeting me. I tld him to go back to it then. He told me he couldnt because I f’d it all up and he has nothing. etc. I told him that HE f’d my whole life up and to leave my home right now. That is when he told me that I f’d him over with this house too….. that I couldnt have gotten a house on my own and I needed him as a cosigner, which is true, I wouldnt have gotten it on my own at the time, but I sure didnt need for him to be a cosigner…if I wanted the house WITHOUT him my parents would have cosigned no wuestions asked. See…here I am explaining myself…I KNOW IT TO BE TRUE BUT HE MAKES ME DOUBT EVERYTHING.
I told him that I wanted him to leave that that I never ever wanted to see his face again. He mumbled as he was walking away that he is going to find someone that is good to him and not f’d in the head. I told him to please do so and he retorted with, “Oh dont worry I will..smiling like a cheshire cat. I went back to my garden only mildly upset…NOTHING like I used to be. When I got in the house there was a text that said this: You telling me that Im nothing but a guy that you sleep with and now that you never want to see again tells me that you really do hate me. Thanks alot and same to you. IT INFURIATES ME. I hate that he puts words into my mouth. Because I didnt say he was my fiance, my boyfriend, he writes the script. I never said that and once again he looks like the victim.
I loved this man like no other. I tried time and time and time again to help him, help his son, bail him out financially time and time again thinking that he would do the same for me one day. I really loved him. The think that hurts me so much is how I had to behave to end it. And how I pretended to be still in love with him to avoid whatever it is that I fear. (I dont fear being alone so please dont suggest that.) I still have love for this man….but not in love…more that I hope he is ok in life,….which I know deep down he will be. There will always be someone just like me a click away or around the corner that he can see as a good person.
Its still so hard to believe that it wasnt love on his end.
And another thing that makes me mad about myself….when he was standing in my drivewayhe still looked so handsome to me. Awhile back while I was talking to a friend of mine about the situation (what she knows, that is) I made a comment about him being so good looking and she looked at me and told me that she doesnt understand how I can still see that in him..that I should look at him and see ugly. Anyone?
Thank you OxDrover. You don’t know how good it felt to hear your welcome. I have allowed myself to become isolated from friends and family. This is because I don’t like whining and telling them one day everything is fine and the next day it’s not. I am SO TIRED of this roller coaster and so tired of myself being sucked into his lies. I have done the NC with him a few times before but usually it just lasts a week at the most and then he’ll call or text me and I go right back to it. It seems to me the last few weeks have been really bad. He blames me for everything and just like sunkiss above he is very very jealous and constantly every day accuses me of being unfaithful. I never have been. I loved -love?- him so much and could never do that. Any man to him is a threat and I have learned over the years to not even look at a man when I’m with him. I see so many similarities in what people have written here – it could be a page from my life. He has gone on a fishing trip this weekend and I think because I am finally getting a 4 day respite from his constant calls and emails that I finally had some time to think, I have been doing lots of reading, in fact, I spent the whole day today reading blogs on this site. The more I read the more I am sure he is a P or an S. It is all about him and what’s good for him. My story started the same way that many on here describe it. He was so charming, so enraptured with me, he had me on a pedestal so high that I often told him to take me off it please because what would happen when he saw a crack in the pedestal? I found out and it didn’t take all that long either. Now like I just read somewhere today they start hating/despising us because we love them. Could this be because they know they don’t deserve our love? I know I am rambling but thank you again.
Welcome Sunkiss, the only way to handle it is NO CONTACT. You have started that, and that is the first big step, but you must maintain 100% NO CONTACT, and tha tmeans also that you don’t try to figure out who he is with or wht he is doing.
Read what I wrote to SHMG above and my advice to you is the same. Just post anywhere you want to, comment, tell your story, whatever is comfortable to you is what most people do.
Shmg, you are very welcome. I am glad that people find this wonderful site, and that in any way I can show them support, there are soo many wonderful people on this site and the hosts are just absolutely GREAT! It is I think the BEST and most informative site with REAL information, as well as the blogs, comments and support.
I know that NO contact is difficult at first, but I think you have made a GREAT START. Just hang in there and READ READ READ and LEARN LEARN LEARN–you will see the patterns in the behavior–the names and faces are different, but sometimes I think there must be a “psychopathic school” that teaches them the same tricks and tactics..either that or we have all dated the same guy! LOL
It gets easier and better, I prominse you! (((hugs))))
Thanks OxDrover. I am very good at not looking for him on myspace pages, dating sites, etc. I learned my lesson on that one about a year ago..(roll eyes) He had threatened suicide and I went running..sat with him for 4 hours..ended up in sex…I left…came home and had a wierd feeling and looked on Match and sure enough the status on the page said ACTIVE WITHIN ONE HOUR. !!!!!!!!!! If you could have seen the intense pain this man was in when I went there..the sweating and throwing up over being so worked up… makes me sick to think about it. I now know that even though his show of remorse that night was award winning, it was real..it just wasnt for me…he was sorry for himself.
Tell me something in terms of not giving a rats ass what he thinks about me. Believe it or not, I have come a loooong way, but there is part of me that still seeths inside when I think of him thinking these things about me.
Also, I think I am looking for someone to come right out and tell me that they did what I did too. (Back and forth..”playing” the part. I feel tremendous guilt over this. I know that I am not a bad person and I know that he is what he is but did that give me the right in anyway to carry on the way that I did? To mislead him if you will. I cant even really explain why I did except the fear thing. That and I must admit that when I was with him, we ususally had a really good time together. I was enjoying the honeymoon knowing all along that it wasnt right of me.
I have never ever ever said such ugly things to a person about themself. Why do I feel so bad for calling him out on the cunning taker that he is? I think the fact that I had sex with him days before and laid with him and told him that I loved him has alot to do with it. So much guilt and confusion. I do love him….I care that he will be alright in life (most days, lol….some days I want him to be miserable, lol), but I know that any of the IN LOVE feelings are gone.
How do I get rid of this guilt? Were my actions of going back with him 3 months ago and the things I said to him 4 days ago as horrible as I think they are?
How do I get rid of this guilt? Were my actions of going back with him 3 months ago and playing the perfect part and then saying the things I did to him 4 days ago as horrible as I think they are? I feel like a fraud.
Dear Sunkiss,
One of the worst Ps I had to deal with (and I had several) was my own son. He is in prison for murder–cold, calculate, hateful killing of someone. Yet, I wanted to believe he could change, repent, learn to love, or at least see that the EVIL ways were not OK—I went back, I went back and I went back again because I LOVED HIM. He did NOT love me.
I felt sorry for him though he had ruined his own life, I sent him money to make his years long stay in prison easier, so he could buy things for himself from the prison store. He pretended gratitude, remorse, learning from his past behavior, all the things I WANTED to believe. Finally, I realized that he is NOT REMORSEFUL, he is PROUD he is a cold blooded killer and can kill without remorse.
I called him a “few things” too—and everyone of them was TRUE. I wished bad things on him! I wished him to suffer! Like he had made me suffer because I DID LOVE HIM. But now, I realize that my LOVE was wasted on someone who could or would not return that love, just because I gave BIRTH to him doesn’t mean that I have to feel GUILTY for cutting him out of my life. GUILT is what we SHOULD feel when we do something BAD to others. SHAME is what we feel when “the world knows we did someting bad” and we feel it reflects badly on us.
Guilt and Shame help us to monitor our own behavior. The psychopath does not feel SHAME OR GUILT.
If I lied to you, and you didn’t know it. I would feel guilty because I knew I had wronged you. I have a conscience and that conscience tells me it is wrong for me to lie to you. It should motivate me to quit lying to you.
Shame is what I feel when everyone including you finds out I lied to you, and they and you no longer trust me. It is the PUBLIC humiliation you feel when you know people look at you and you say to yourself “They know I am a liar.” And you FEEL that shame.
By responding to the psychopath by saying “You are an abusive person” (or whatever we say to them) we are not doing something WRONG. We should not feel “guilty” for saying the truth. We should not feel shame that THEY abused us. Though somehow it seems that many of us DO feel SHAME that we have been abused. Or guilty for not doing something about it (sooner maybe.)
I no longer feel either guilt for cutting my son out of my life, or shame that he is a murder. He is an ADULT and he made his own choices. They were NOT my choices, and I did not want him to make these choices, I could not stop him from making these choices, so I have no guilt about his choices, and no shame about what others think about him (as my son).
As far as I am concerned, the young child I loved is DEAD, he is certainally GONE, and the MAN in prison has no meaning for me. I do not worry about his health, or if he is well or not, he is a STRANGER to me. I don’t worry about the other million + men and women in prison either. They are also strangers to me. I feel empathy for their families; their wives, husbands, children, parents, friends and for their victims. I feel empathy for the people in prison who are innocent of the crimes for which they are convicted. I feel empathy for the mentally ill people in prison who should have been more protected by society in other ways—but for the psychopaths I am just glad that they are there and for the time being they can’t hurt others as much as they could if they were free.
So, go easy on yourself…Guilt and shame are two emotions that we can work on how we think about them and it will help us with our FEELINGS. Be good to yourself, that is of the utmost importance right now. (((hugs))))
Free, you said that so well. I absolutely agree with every word you said. It sounded like you were describing me, and my own guilty feelings. Thank you.
“We shouldn’t own any emotions that have been projected onto us by someone else, but when we don’t have boundaries, we don’t assert our rights and so we take on the blame from our abusers like a sponge…”
TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN!!!!!!!!
LEARNING ME,
I brought this thread up for you to read in case you haven’t read it. I think it might be what you need to see that though they “promise” the moon to us, they never ACT on those promises—many times they purposely get a woman pregnant in order to get a legal and long term hook into her, so don’t believe a word he says about wanting a family with you. (((hugs))))
loved this post!
I’m glad you found the man who is real and there for you.
actions speak louder than words…sociopaths are so full of sh!t