lf2

Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action.

Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.

The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.

What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.

The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’

To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’

In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.

In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.

Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.


Comment on this article

250 Comments on "Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action."

Notify of

M.L. Gallagher,

When I was with the Sociopath, I noticed that whenever I needed him to come through for me, he didn’t. When I was moving, he had agreed to help but managed to have some kind of melt down so that he didn’t have to help. And yet, in the first few weeks, he cut his finger and I rushed to take him to emergency, his car battery pooped out and I arrived with jumper cables to the rescue. But when I needed something, he was conveniently mad at me for… nothing I can recall.

I love hearing about love after a Sociopath. I am just now beginning to date and I have my red flags ready to be handed out. There was a slight miscommunication about our third date. It seemed fine. Then I thought about it… if ANYTHING goes wrong with this rescheduled time, then that’s STRIKE ONE AND TWO! (one for the canceled date and two for the 2nd thing) As it turns out, he did what he said he would and we had a nice time.

I am noticing that I don’t get swept up in a man’s words anymore. This man is not wordy anyway… but whatever he says that seems nice… I am waiting for the action that confirms the words.

And he is moving like a snail with me. And I like it just fine. Slow and steady wins the race… or the girl’s heart. Maybe.

:o)

ml –

god bless you for this post. i needed to read exactly that tonight, as i have endured five years of empty promises…

i remember losing the use of my right arm for 6 months and he dangled two restaurant gift certificates in front of me as he had received them for christmas from someone, but never once brought my little boy and i dinner while i had pins drilled through my bones…let alone give us the gift certificates that cost him nothing…

my mother died and to get out of going to the funeral, (come on, funerals aren’t fun!) he promised me a day out of town shopping and a massage (he is EXTREMELY wealthy) to cheer me up.

when i arrived to leave for the day of cheering, shopping and massages, he had taken two sleeping pills because he was hungover and told me to drive while he napped.

needless to say he bought me nothing and i never got the massage…

these flashbacks help me to understand how deathly oppressive he was…

i put up with it only because i can honestly say – without question – that any other man i had ever been with would sit and hold my hand as yours is doing now…

i never knew it could be any different with a man, so i took his promises and his promises to change as sincere. it was all i knew.

it took a long time to cycle through this enough to understand what he was really doing to me.

hope you are all better now! thanks again.

This so hits home, ML. (Sorry about your hospital stays, btw). When I needed a ride from one hospital to the other, because they were transporting my daughter to a place where a pediatric gastro specialist could see her, I called my S’path for a pick-up from the second hospital, later in the evening. I told him not to say yes if he couldn’t do it, because I’d be stuck there without a car.

Don’t you know he said yes and then, a few hours later, called my voice mail to tell me he couldn’t give me a ride? And he laughed when he said it. Laughed.

Another time I needed a ride back to a hospital where my dad was at. I left him a message. No answer on voice mail. Then I called from my parents home after trying several times from my own…and he didn’t recognize the number, so HE PICKED UP right away.

They can’t be there for us because they cannot be there for even themselves when the chips are down. Besides, I noticed my s’path would do the exact opposite of whatever it was I asked or wished him to do if I verbalized that desire to him. Anything to thwart my heart, upset my feelings. Was the weirdest thing, that.

Normal people go out of their way to do what their partner needs or asks for…but he went out of his way NOT to.

This is a common theme with the people I’ve dated/married. So I’ve come to view myself as being all alone, self-sufficient, and have made that an unhappy reality. Maybe part of that is my fault, but the end result is that I feel so lonely and sometimes incapable of handling all these problems with my family’s collective illnesses. I also feel ANGRY because more than anything, I deserve to be with someone who will help carry the load. Because I am that type of person and would reciprocate.

And now, I’m afraid to ask anyone for help, because I’m so used to the way he responded to me that asking makes me feel too vulnerable.

Am trying not to feel sorry for myself but right now, I am feeling that way. The jerk came back when life was at its worst for me with so much family stress and big, huge changes. Was already more sad than I’d ever been in memory — and somehow he managed to make all that worse instead of better.

It takes everything I have some days not to be bitter or hardened towards relationships because of him.

Here’s a doubleheader example:

I had a close relative in the hospital and two children to care for. I went to a function a narcissist “friend” offers to the littlest b/c she “loves kids” and has been a nanny etc….blah, blah…I let her, though I am hesistatnt to accept help of anykind, but I was distraught.

She watches the toddler, and later on proceeds to BLAST me with an attack b/c the toddler was upset. The other “friend” a psycho accuses me of “making up the situation” ,feigns concern and then claims it was the annivrsary of bad event for them that week so they never called to see how I was.

All about them 24/7. Both PRETENDED to care and used my relative’s hospitalization to get attention.

Psychos are horrible in so many ways- but I think the worst is now I am completely leery of anyone who offers any sort of assistance.

ML-
It is amazing what real care and concern feels like. I cherish my REAL loved ones now, cherish. Hope you are better.

Is this a pattern?

How else does he behave? Google symptoms of narcissists–
not everyone who cheats is a psycho or a narcissist.

Does he idealize you then devalue? Gaslight? Those are key. Is he charming?
Lie about everything? How is he showing his contrition?

Only time and actiosn will tell. But I would review his past behaviors.

I need advice. My mate recently had what would typically be called an “emotional affair” with someone in the office. Big fallout, after which he promised to cut it off, no contact, etc. I suspect he is narcissistic, but don’t know to what extent & no longer sure what I really know about him.
In talking about this after the fact, we both did agree that we went through a terrible time in our marriage, leading to this rupture. He DID take responsibility for the affair, said it was his fault, he regretted it, etc., particularly when I threatened to leave. But in discussing it down the line, he wants to REVISE my thinking on the whole thing – he says in retrospect, I over-reacted to the whole thing, and I need to adjust my view on his behavior. He couldn’t stand that I would think badly of him, and forget all the other trials he was facing at that time. He still took responsibility for doing the wrong thing, but needed me to understand his side of it, to the point that I was left feeling very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Is this just someone who can’t handle his guilty conscience, or is this a narcissist?

Has a problem with the truth, yes. Exaggerates MY achievements to our friends & his colleagues.
When I threatened to leave, he broke down & swore to “honor” me & admitted he had treated me badly. He has been trying to communicate more, but when it comes to that affair, it’s always about saying how it wasn’t serious, making me feel like I over-reacted.
He starts to idealize me (“you never do anything wrong”) but then made me try to “correct” my feelings about the extent of his affair, until he was satisfied that I didn’t think it was more serious than he claims.
This is at least the second time there’s another woman that he gets attracted to, who is younger and ADORES him.

Bev-

You are insightful. It is so hard, but I think in order to get past these feelings, or through, them WE have to take practical steps.

1. Being here is huge, we admitted something and we are dealing with it

2. Take care of ourselves- don’t treat ourselves like crap. If you wouldn’t do that to someone else, don’t (fill-in the blank) to yourself.

3. Hope and plan for future.

Depressed and lonely is a stage, this too shall pass. Maybe go buy yourself some flowers or do something kind for someone else anonymously.

Be here for others : ) and you will see how much better it makes you.

LilOrphan. Feeling the same as you. Very lonely. Asked him for help but he made excuses, always a great test. But I realised that before he was on the scene I was lonely anyway, like he offered me chocolate and then took it away, teased me alot which made things worse. Realise that I need to get my life in order. Need to have other interests and not just the need of a man in my life – which is so depressing.

I am very independent which kind of lets them off the hook, I learnt alot about myself with him, about asking for help and support without feeling demeaned.

I realised that I have suffered abuse in many different formats. I am a nice, good looking mature, intelligent and easy going woman who seems to attract people who want to lay into me. I show a tough side, but somehow people know that I am very soft and forgiving underneath.

Like you, I have carried very heavy burdens in my life and dont ask for much really – but dont get much anyway.

I am so tired of it all. Was put into care at 6 and still doing my own digging. Sorry. Feeling like there will never be an end to it. But realising that I had always felt like this.

Try hard, but some people seem to get things easy, I guess that is why I ran with someone who was way below me. Friends tell me ‘i deserve’ but life doesnt show me I deserve – perhaps my subscript (my life story) is low self esteem. I just find it hard to be assertive all the time. the nice people see the good in me and I dont have to work for that. I went to a dating site and connected with a guy on his interests, and he text back saying that I dont need to do that, that people can connect without same interests. I realised I am a people pleaser and had to do that to gather people around me, because I had nothing else to fall back on. Sorry. No family – and no love – that deep dark hole.

I guess I havent even ever admitted this to anyone else, therapists, or friends. But there are times why I wonder why I am here. I struggle with this all the time. I dont feel like that beautiful person that I know I am. Sometimes I feel like I am a nothing. Sorry – feeling depressed and lonely.

Brought up by narcissist father and schizophrenic mother – I have always felt unwanted, unloved and I still have that feeling – very hard to shake off, and when friends tell me what a lovely woman I am, it just doesnt mean anything. Does anyone understand that?

Sad for me, my sociopath husband would have done all those sweet things. He DID all those sweet things. He held my hand, he gave me romantic cards, he brought me ice chips, he rubbed my feet.

But it was all an elaborate deception.

If he’d been an obvious jerk this would have been easier. But he wasn’t. I thought he adored me. I keep thinking this is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up.

Over the past week he has told me things I never thought he’d admit to. Of course he didn’t confess out of the desire to do the right thing, but because I found out he has a new girlfriend who–after less than a month–he is desperate to move in with and marry, and he’s afraid that if he keeps lying to me I will fuck things up for him. Basically I told him he stole 18 years of my life and I deserve to know the truth, dammit, and if he does not come clean I will expose him to his new “victim” and he knows I bloody well mean it.

(He finally dumped K–the woman he’d had a four-year affair with and secretly planned to abandon me for. What with all their sneaking around, lying and scheming, and me figuring everything out, I think it finally got too complicated for him. Plus she was getting frustrated and pissed at him, and a woman frustrated and pissed at him is not so much fun for him and if a woman’s not going to be so much fun for him then he might as well get his supply elsewhere, thank you very much.)

He told me he’s never been faithful. Not to me or anyone else. He said that ever since he was old enough to know what sex was, he couldn’t wait to get out of his parents’ house so he could screw whoever he wanted.

(And, unfortunately, being extremely hunky and charming, it’s never been much of a problem for him to pretty much screw whoever he wanted.)

He said there was never a period of fidelity in our marriage. He said there were so many other women he couldn’t even remember their names. I said I’m sure you can remember some of them, so why don’t you start with those. I asked who was the first, he said a dishwasher at the hospital we both worked at; I was pregnant at the time. Next was a housekeeper, then a respiratory therapist. He said this one four times, that one twice (I figure any number he admits to can safely be multiplied by ten). In his lockable office, at a friend’s house, in a patient room.

Over and over he kept groaning: “There’ve been so many I can’t remember their names.” There were two Carla’s and two Karen’s, a woman on ski patrol and a tall, attractive woman who worked with him at a local lumber yard. There was so-and so from the fire department, and Valerie and Glinda and Debra and Linda, an occupational therapist in one town and an administrator in another and they’d do it at her house while her husband was home and she’d tell him they had work to do in her office.

There were two other housekeepers, one a twenty-year-old who, years before, had been a middle-school classmate of my older daughter, a couple of women he met skiing, they had condos and he’d tell me he had to stay late for a staff meeting, there were so many, so many.

He said he couldn’t remember the length of one of his long affairs because there were so many others overlapping and in-between.

He said that during one job he held for four years as an area manager, he led women at the various facilities he worked at to believe he was single. Every day he’d leave his wedding ring in his car.

He admitted he was going to leave me and our daughter for K, that K has been in our house many times, sometimes overnight, sometimes just for the day, and since he moved out he has been with her as well as two of her former co-workers. It is endless and on and on, and as much as I already knew, still, so much that he told me was shocking.

I asked him many times a week on average did he have sex with a woman other than me. I said if he met with a woman and they had sex three times, count that as once.

He said it was hard to put a figure on it, but that he would guess that, on average, he’d have sex with other women anywhere from 1 – 2 times a week to 5 – 6 times a week.

I asked him if he ever thought he was sick, he said no, then I asked if he ever thought he was bad, he said no to that too.

He said he thought about leaving me for “so many other women.” I asked why did he move in with me in the first place. If he knew he’d never be faithful, why not stay with the one he was with? He said he thought I could provide a better life for him and his son. I said, “So you were using me,” and he said, “I guess you could say that.”

I washed his socks and ironed his shirts, I fixed his meals and packed his fucking lunch. I gave him love and kept him warm at night. I took care of the bills and making sure the taxes were done. I did all that, plus I was trustworthy and trusting, which is why he stayed as long as he did.

He told me whenever I would question him about other women through the years (me never suspecting anything more than flirtation) I was almost always right, and that would scare him because he didn’t want to lose me.

I said “until you met K.”

He said, “Yes.”

And now, two months posting dumping, he’s forgotten all about her. He’s found someone else and he is not spending one minute of his time thinking of how bad K is feeling.

And now, of all ironies, Steve Winwood’s song, Back in the High Life Again, is playing on my radio. A while ago I was reading some of the comments on AlohaTraveler’s snapshot thread where women were mentioning songs that are painful for them to listen to now because they are songs that once were “their” songs, songs from a time when their socio ex made them feel so loved and cherished.

Years ago, when I first got involved with J, I put Back in the High Life Again on my answering machine so that he’d hear it when he’d call and I wasn’t home.

Now I realize he never loved me at all. Now that he fancies himself in love with the true “love of his life,” I can’t say it doesn’t hurt me. I have even asked him (kicking self here): “Did you ever really love me?” and in that sweet gentle voice he said yes, but I’m finally getting it that he is not, never was, and never will be capable of real love at all.

It’s just another high for him. Another drug rush, a fix that will invariably wear off. Whether two hours, two days, two months, or longer, it will wear off and then, for him, it is devalue and discard time again.

He’s got a poor, unsuspecting young woman who no doubt thinks he is perfect. She’s probably wondering how on earth she ever got so lucky to snag such a wonderful man.

He tells me he believes with all his heart that he can be faithful to her forever.

Now there’s a laugh, really. It’s so ridiculous to think that such a man is even remotely capable of fidelity to anyone. He is as believable as a person who’s just gorged themselves on a pound of See’s chocolate saying they’re never touching candy again.

I talked to him a while ago. We’re discussing our divorce. I reminded him how years ago he would tell our children that he and I should always come first to each other because the day would come that they would leave home and he and I would be alone together.

Talk about empty promises.

Bev.

I do understand your despair. One thing you should know for sure is that you are not alone. Check in with yourself and make sure some of the things in your head are not things your BadMan put there.

When I met my Bad Man, I was ripe for the picking. Low self esteem and uncertainty about who I was in the world… so I tried to make a new world for myself by moving to Maui and leaving my old life behind.

Now, I work with people and do different kinds of work than I used to. I surround myself with the true friends that have rallied around and helped me out of the dark hole I fell into. One thing that has made a big difference for me since I left Maui was that I have had to live with different friends and my friends have been like a little family for me. Without them and the few laughs we share everyday, I don’t know how I would keep on keepin’ on. I have been struggling financially and with career issues as well. My friends that I have known forever have seen me laugh hysterically and/or sob my heart out when one more bad thing happens. I don’t ask the Universe anymore, “WHAT ELSE BAD CAN HAPPEN?!” (I am afraid I might get an answer.)

Look for a women’s group in your area. These can be wonderful outlets for people to connect and often are led by 1 or 2 therapists or interns. I need to find one myself but I am waiting for a few things to get sorted out in my schedule.

LoveFraud is a critical piece of the puzzle as well. You have to have a place where you can be real about what happened. It can be embarassing and frustrating to try to explain to people outside this forum. They don’t get it and even when they do, they still don’t. Sociopath’s are something we don’t really want anyone to have to understand because if they truly do, then that means they are one of us…. and who wants to wish that torture on anyone? But, it is critical to feel understood around this issue.. it is critical for us and being understood helps us understand for ourselves as well, doesn’t it?

And lastly, what if it was true what your friends say? (that you are deserving of something better) Maybe you feel the world is not confirming that for you.. by the way.. I TOTALLY GET THIS… what if you decided that for 1 hour, you would act as if it was true? Then for one day.. act as if it it true, even if you don’t think you deserve it and then one week? and so on.

Try it out for an hour today? Go out into the world, hold you head up high and act as if you deserve the very best in life. I wonder wha would happen if you did that.

With warmest Aloha,
E.R.

Gillian,

I understand your need to know what your husband did and with who but I wonder if he is taking pleasure in recounting it all for you. Which he is pretending to cover by saying… oh I just can’t remember them all… see how he is ratcheting up the pain.

I am not sure what I would do in your situation but instinct tells me that I would cut him off from his story telling. He is dispicable. I hate him for you! What a horse’s ASS!

Your story is like a movie I saw not too long ago: The Man with Three Wives.

Anyway, I hope in your divorce, you get EVERYTHING! YOU SHOULD!!!

Can you send your comments that you just posted to that young woman? I wonder.

Then again, sometimes it might be best for us to just help ourselves and be done with it.

And rent these couple movies too! They make you feel like you can be happy and strong on your own! And that there is more life out there to be discovered and more joy somehow always comes around:
Under the Tuscan Sun
Bread and Tulips
Shirley Valentine

I go through so many of the same feelings too. Everyone says I deserve so much, am beautiful, intelligent, successful, kind and loving etc… but I wonder why I end up in such ugly and selfish relationships – my S took up 2 years of my time and I feel some days, so broken and unworthy of something good. I know better deep inside but the surface feelings are hard to control. I keep waiting for that day to come when I can turn the corner and see something beautiful happening to me. I just keep having hope that it will.

Looking back at the beginning of time with the ex (the start always gives the clues). I remember thinking that we had something in common, wounded souls of sorts. His terrible abuse by both parents and mine by my parents. So he and I could be there for each other like our parents had never been and I resigned myself to give of my best and be there for him, like his mother had never been. My ex N kept saying to me ‘I dont want to lose you’ and I kept saying that he wouldnt lose me and that I would stick by him through thick and thin. I guess that made me very much a juicy target.

I was also very aware that he was way lower than me in status and that I could do alot better. But this emotional tradeoff seemed so important to me, that his lack of possessions didnt matter. Now I look at it, I hit the rock bottom in this relationships – the worst an most damaging one of all to add to my history. Mind you I had not heard of narcissim until I received the full quota of behaviour from him. I guess I have learned first hand at how low I could be conned into going and I am still stunned by the experience. I am trying to move on, but like the weather I seem to oscillate between different moods.

Little did I realise that I was trying to fill my emptiness to trap him in a way by intimating that if I gave of my best and filled his void, he wouldnt leave me like my father had. Little did I realise that my familiarity to him signalled the fact that he was just like my father, emotionally unavailable and ambient abuse to add to the mix. i am annoyed with myself about that. I was well aware when I met him that women like me are prone to meeting men like their fathers and when he had the same key interest as my father had, I kept asking myself the same question and checking ‘Is this my father in disguise’? He may not have looked like my father, so i dismissed the thought, content in the thought that I had not made that mistake. Imagine my annoyance to realise that the same traits as my father had been hiding in my ex N personality. its like taking another route in your car to avoid any accident and then being involved in one somewhere else – if that makes sense.

I am quite choosy when it comes to men and I am no fool, but it doesnt matter what format they come in and or how nice they look at first, I always seem to end up with one who is no good for me.

I want to thank the people here for their support. I do nice things for myself, but somehow it doesnt fill the empty hole which opens up now and again and which was opened up today by my daughter, who is my only closest living relative (whom I have worked like a slave to provide for and give a good life to) is disrespectful and abusive to me. It just underpins my feeling like a doormat. I do a very responsible job at work and my female boss never values me or gives praise (or the other staff), but she is bullying me at the moment and I have had bosses like this before. I just feel sometimes that I repeatedly find myself replaying my early stuff in different formats. Its like constantly going round and round the same cycle and Ive had lots of therapy and enough books to fill a library. Maybe I have tried too hard to try and fix myself. I just have alot of things eating away at me at the moment.

I can tell by the way that people on this site talk about themselves, that there are very many good hearted people on this site. I would also hazard a guess that many, like myself are working in caring professions. I always find though, that the moment I try to do something to do something for myself, or stick up for myself, I meet with resistance.

Beverly:

Thank you for responding to share with me that you feel the same way. It’s really difficult, sometimes. Not sure it’s low self-esteem; in all areas except love I have pretty high self-esteem: brains, the ability to bounce back (oh, my, do I bet we ALL here have that quality in spades!), strong emotions, unbelievably loyal and loving to those I love…all of my life I was told how exceptional I am as a person and because of my intellect. Believed all of those people and still do — mostly, I believe in myself.

But…family. That stuff, the FOO stuff, the LOVE stuff. I’m pretty weak there, in the sense that my adoptive family did not show any love towards me and I married one of them, I think. But which one? The cold, distant mother or the gregarious, self-centered father or the violent, abusive, adoptive N brother?

God, that sounds awful, doesn’t it? It WAS awful, growing up there, in lots of ways. And so I never feel quite good enough to be loved, probably, except by my kids and myself.

Beyond that, whatever sense of being loved I had was ruined by the N. It’s not irreparable. It will mend, in time.

Here’s the biggest thing that will help us, I think, and you raised it, clever lady:

“…there are many good-hearted people on this site.”

That may be our biggest common denominator. We’re likely all Highly Sensitive People or HSPs, as they’re called. We’re very emotional, highly intuitive, the types who reach out to others unasked, believe in helping others and all the ethical and moral things we were taught as children – we try to live by.

This might be what draws N’s to us. Those are the qualities they do not have, do not fathom, cannot create in themselves and we have them in abundance….it makes us perfect for their game. Not only do they try to have those qualities rub off on them, but then they try to destroy them in us, for their fun.

The ultimate SUPPLY.

But I can’t kill those qualities in me, the host. I can’t. I’ve even tried – lived a pretty monastic life, no dating, just work and home and taking care of my kids and parents for several years, from 2001 to 2006, in fact. I gained weight, avoided eye contact, did not socialize with anyone or go out to bars.

I felt desperately sad, but strong. And those good qualities were slightly diminished, quieted…but they never went away. They came back stronger, just as they are coming back right now, stronger than ever before, and as tough as life is with sick parents and a sick child, the arrival and departure of the N and his insanity — I’m pretty happy, overall.

Just want someone good to be happy WITH.

I didn’t want to lose me and he gave me no choice: me or him, only one of us was going to be left standing for as long as I stayed in love with him and anywhere near him.

The whole “choosy when it comes to men…” that’s me, too. Don’t understand it. Have always been that way – and no matter how choosy I get, seems that an N is always who I get.

I’m in therapy, finally, trying to figure out how to kill that one little part of me that draws THAT TYPE OF MAN. Because, overall, know I’m a pretty cool, different, engaging woman, but I don’t want to engage with an N, ever again.

LilOrphan,

Fascinating. I can’t believe how many things have popped up here that I have come across. You mentioned the HSP personality type. I read that book! It caught my eye on a shelf and I bought it, “The HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON.” And someone else mentioned NVC (Non-violent Communication) which I have also read.

It’s like we are a composite of a certain kind of woman and the Bad Men are a composite of another kind. So many times I have seen people write, “Are you sure your man is not the same one I dated?” or something like that.

Anyway, I look forward to getting home (from my caring job… wink wink) to read what is going on here on the Blogs. What if we all wrote to Oprah to bring us together. Wouldn’t that be CRAZY?!

When I talk to my friends, I always mention “my ladies” at LoveFraud because as time goes by, and I read and read, you all become more and more three dimensional to me and your stories come to life. And I have also seen so many of you come to life in your words, encouraging others. It’s beautiful. We are moving forward. If you feel like you aren’t, stick with us, the tide will take you!

I am lonely still but I am strangely feeling happy. I think that is what it is.. I just feel different as I shake off this Bad Man thing. My eyes and ears have truly shifted and I feel like I have grown tremendously from this terrible experience and I finally have learend how to protect myself in the world. I didn’t know how to do that before.

alohatraveler,

Hmm, no I don’t think my husband enjoys recounting his misdeeds.

I have begged him for the truth, and the reason he is fessing up now is because he knows I will expose him to his new girlfriend if he doesn’t come clean. I am sick of wondering about everything. I am sick of wondering what really went on in the 18 years of my marriage. I am sick of wondering if this is all in my head. I would rather know the truth than wonder anymore.

So knowing is helping me let go.

Because why would I want to be with such a horrible person? Why would I be jealous of the woman he is with? I should feel sorry for her; she’s a vulnerable, single mom who has no idea what she’s getting into.

I’ve thought about warning her. But I realize that she probably wouldn’t believe me and even if she did I’m sure he’d convince her that he has changed. Not only that, I’m afraid that if I do expose him, he will get violent. He has said and done some things that have scared me and I realize that I can’t put anything past him. I think for me and my daughter, it is in our best interests for him to be happy.

Having at one time–in my case for a long time–felt so loved and cherished this is all some kind of schizophrenic experience I think. The longing for the illusion. The wishing things could be the way they seemed to be. The rejection, the shock, the anger, the sadness. There are so many conflicting emotions, and having been so thorougly duped, I think it just takes time to process it all.

As for the divorce settlement, yes, I am getting just about everything I want. We met one day last week and he pretty much agreed to everything I am asking for. He is highly motivated. He wants a divorce as soon as possible. He knows if he fights me it will cost a lot more in the long run, plus everything will take so much longer.

ML,

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

He is the lie. And my life is going to be so much better. Ten months ago I could hardly see how I could go on living. I wanted to drive somewhere and die.

And to think I for so long loved a man who could make me feel like that. I know he is evil. He appeared to be an angel, sometimes I almost thought he actually was. The duplicity is staggering. I know I need to forget trying to figure it out. He is darkness and it’s time to move into the light.

I just want to repeat something you said:

“He will never give you truth you need — he will only give you what he believes will get him what he wants, whenever he wants it for whatever reason he wants it. It’s who he is.”

You’re right. It is who he is. He is so very sick, and now I need to start filling the big hole he left in my life.

A bit of juvenile humor: I noticed many women referring to their bad man.

A shortened version is BM- that’s about right!

: )

Gillian, I read your story with aghast – the deceit and betrayal over so many years. For me the wreckage was contained within one year and I cant imagine how much devastation they cause longer term.

But one year or eighteen, as least you are getting out now and there will be no further wreckage backed up in your life – that was how I looked at it – when he went I thought ‘the abuse has stopped’, it was like silence returned after the storm. Personally I would have wanted to know all the details of the deceit, because I would rather know the worst, but I probably wont ever find out.

Alohatraveler – thank you – you made me smile with your comments.

Beverley,
I lost my eye in an accident when I was 4 years old. Six months later, my father died of a heart attack and my sister and I were brought up with a ?P/N mother. We suffered physchological torment for the next 34 years.
My encounter with another P three years ago forced me to examine everything in my life and why I was so vulnerable. I thought that I had come to terms with my childhood but it became abundantly clear to me that I was still suffereing from those early traumas. Taking the blame for everything when young had programmed me into always trying to appease and allow bad behaviour. When I met my husband, who is the exact opposite of a P, I finally felt ‘safe’ and I was but what I didn’t realise is that I still carried the baggage.
Now I have put firm boundries in place. I do not tolerate bad behaviour or rudeness from anyone and if I see that they can’t change I avoid them.
I think you need to know that you are not repsonsible for your parents behaviour and that you too are carrying the scars of their disorders. You have been a victim not a perpatrator and sadly ‘good’ people get taken for a ride. If you can improve your self esteem, you will be treated a lot better by everybody – good and bad. Bullies are cowads really.
Don’t despair, you just need to convince YOURSELF that you are as entitled as anyone else to love and respect.
Take care,
Swallow

Swallow. yes I thought I had offloaded my baggage years ago after therapy and I didnt realise it was still hiding within me and my time with the N just regurgitated it all – which is a good thing. I am sorry to hear you have suffered. In many of these writings the people have suffered on many different levels, not only with partners but family members, the very people you think have your best interests at heart.

I am planning to sell my home and move to a completely new area and new job. I am at that stage where I have set things in motion, but nothing is really happening. I am quite scared, of what I am planning, because I tried this before and I lost alot of money in making bad property moves at the wrong time and then lost my job. But I am in my mid fifties and if I dont do it now – I never will. Most of my life has been around caretaking others and taking the hard road to pay the bills. I plan to make life a little easier and brighter for myself and want to live somewhere healthier and near to the sea where I can go for walks on my own if need be. Because where I live there is nothing much to do. I had planned to move before I met the N, but his unexpected addvent into my life, just provided me with a massive detour. I have since realised that I should never have let him distract me from my dreams. However, leaving this house will incorporate leaving a whohle lot of baggage as well. The previous owner of this house and her husband were into swinging and when her husband went off with the other woman, the wife committed suicide here in the house.

I have decided that where there is life, there is always hope and whatever time I have left, I plan to make something of it. When things start moving I will be completely absorbed in that. I have also decided that I am going to try for work that is not so responsible and perhaps not even in the kind of care work I do. I think, well, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone somewhere better. I have have plans to create a ‘magical garden’ in my new home and somewhere in that garden will be a tribute to the people on this site. Thank you so much for your support and sharing your story.

On another note, I listen to Chill DAB, and there are some really good songs by women. One starts off ‘like a cloud ushered in by wind, you are just a reaction to my confusion – a hybrid of hundreds of troubles – people felt us connect and ran for shelter..-you catch me on the line – cutting the voltage to your power line. You came to me like a realisation – there are blackouts in the air tonight, an evident lack of light tonight’. You cannot affect me, I feel no electricity, you cannot control me, etc ..’ This song makes me shudder when I listen to it.

beverley,
The move is a great idea, get away from all the associations and bad memories. It doesn’t matter what age you are to start again as long as you are happy within yourself and know what you want.
Swallow

What I keep finding amazing on this site is the cookie cutter behavior of these N’s. I too did not know about these types of people until despair pushed me to search for answers. Recently split, I have been reading a lot of the N site and read about how an N would likely react when abanonded. Ambient abuse and abuse by proxy, “getting” to all you close friends and preempting your side of the story with his heavily edited and sanitized version, portraying himself as the victim, the abandoned one, and HE LOVES ME SO MUCH!! Other than my sister and my daughter I have heeded the advise on this site and not tried to convince my friends of what he is, on the contrary, I have told them that I cannot speak about him, because they would then be stuck trying to figure out which one of us is lying. Also, keeping his secrets for him at present is the only defense I have against his rage. He has threatened to cut me off with NOTHING after 29 years and two children together. (he brought assets into our marriage and his hotshot lawyer says he owes me nothing, which is supported by the law )

In any event, he has behaved EXACTLY as these sites predict, suddenly taking a great interest in talking to everyone, when in fact he has always been very self contained and disparraged most of these people. He fervently claims he wants me back, (after just reconciling from a previous split last year and after a teeny “honeymoon” period, immediately devaluing me again, only more so

). I am following the advice of another post here and feeding him just enough “supply” (e-mail only) to buy myself the time to win. After the initial period of rage and anger at his manipulation and disrespect, his callous disregard for my needs and interests, I am now in the “sad” period, mourning the loss of what I thought was my history of the last 29 years, a loving partner, dedicated to his family, the man I would grow old with and so on. The added agony of having him convince my friends that I am the callous and selfish one, discarding a loving and good man, is of course a tragic irony and a bitter pill to swallow.

Even tho I am in therapy, this site is so enormously helpful, daily. It is so easy to capitulate to the confusion of their lies, the “hollowgramm” they hold out as the life you could be having, if only you would forgive their indiscretions one more time, have faith in their love, let them “take care” of you.

Thanks to his machinations I am stuck in an immigration nightmare – am trying to carry the family farm without enough hellp or resources, and have no money for badly needed legal advice. I am sure when he is not feeling sorry for himself he is enjoying every minute of watching me struggle with my predicament. He has always made sure it would be very hard to leave him.

But! Despite all this I have more peace in my life now than I have in many many years. I am free of the presence of his inner conflict, which sucked all the air out of the room. I am free to dream my own dreams and make my own decisions, to laugh without him killing the joke, to cry without him scorning me. He will always be a prisoner of his own twisted reality. I wish him no harm, and do have empathy for the hell his life must be. But really feeling sorry for him would be akin to pitying the python, as it struggles to digest the lamb it swallowed whole.

To HolyWaterSalt,

I did notice that Bad Man could be nicely encapsulated with the abbreviation “BM” and I use this when I write with another reader here via email. I started saying “Bad Man” before I came to this site because I couldn’t stand to hear his name come out of my mouth… plus we are not allowed to say their full names… I don’t think.

I will admit, I am tickled to see Bad Man sprinkled about the site but I also wonder if I am setting a bad idea in my head… that all men are Bad. Well, too late now.

Still, I actually feel a pang of guilt using BM as I think it is cruel to refer to a human being as excriment… See how we are?! I guess this is what separates me and you from Sociopaths. He called me plenty of names and yet, I don’t feel totally okay with refering to him simply as BM.

Now I see BM as a tragic character (and an incredibly mean one too). I think that it is terribly sad that there are human being like this. But don’t worry, I am long done with thinking I could help this person or have any impact on him in any way. He’s gone.

I am still in my marriage. Did any of you consider ever staying and trying to help partner with these problems? Sometimes it seems like he sees the disapproval in my face over something he might be saying, and he will modify what he says to make himself look better. Sometimes not. What I’m saying is, sometimes I think he realizes his mode of communication is really problematic, but he doesn’t have the tools to change it.
He promised me: emotional fidelity, an adoption, more of his time/energy in the relationship. He already broke the first promise twice, the second one once, and I’m waiting for delivery on the third. He’s not a BM, truly, but there’s just so much lacking as well? How do I know how serious this is?
There has been verbal abuse in the past, but not since he ended the affair and I threatened to leave. He can see his wrongs – can he change them? Mostly I just feel like he is absent from the relationship (my worry is that he’s a narcissist, not a sociopath) – he’s not engaged in US unless he has time and he feels so inclined. Otherwise, i’m on my own.

I’ve been reading for about 8 weeks, thank you to all of you! Without you… I would have gone crazy trying to figure out what happened. Your writing is beautiful. I was out of town for 2 days and I just wanted to get home so I could read this blog… even though you don’t know me (I am not a good writer)… i missed all of you.

ML – I was always telling myself that I should not be hurt by his inattention (or hurt for any reason), I was a zombie.

Our site is chock full of these stories, yet people continue to be seduced by advertising for Online Dating sites and going online.

Even background checks aren’t sufficient. These guys are skilled with NLP & seduction techniques that will knock your socks off.

We have stories that will rip you apart, one of a guy who befriended a girl online when she was only 14 – and waiting until she was 19 to start the love & sex talk; one of a guy who preys on women recovering from prescription drug problems; one of a guy who preyed on a woman he knew over 30 years and her friends (now who would think to check on someone you’ve known since high school??) – Ed Hicks, who is profiled here on Lovefraud was the first person we profiled on our site almost 4 years ago.

Google them and read every single entry no matter how trite or unrelated. And don’t trust anyone you haven’t met physically or spent significant face time with. And finally, online love is rare and the dangers are simply too great.

Behind a keyboard, they can be anyone they want to be.

Tmassar-

Please keep reading. There are some good blogs out there, research, google “narc attack” –Kathy is excellent. Read her book, the Sociopath Next door esp. etc.

For me- the huge wake up call has been “why is OK for anyone to be cruel to me?” Why would I work overtime to make them OK? Why do I give some one multiple chances to abuse me?

It was difficult, but empowering as hell– to say: NO F—–g More.

I am at this stage of really seeing what I put up with my entire life from a variety of folks, esp. the psycho.I felt lonely and devaestated as hell, but I GOT BETTER. I just had to go through a lot suffering and what I thought was loneliness…When I was with the psychos/narcissists in my life I was
not in the company of friends and family–I was just food.

So I can’t say going no contact with them made me lonely or alone…I had been far worse with them for a long , long time.

Take a little time and care for you; once I achieved a little self respect and belief in me– I popped- just happened one day- and exiled them all.

It is a process, but as time goes by I am not sorry in the least little bit-
I ‘d not sacrifice myself again for abuse in return again. No one was beating me, they were JUST verbally and mentally abusing…tried to make me think I was the disordered one….

Judge actions, not words.

M.L. ~

“What was I smoking?” I love it!!!! I am at the point where looking back, it seems so absurd!

It was our own personal integrity that kept us shackled to a person fully and completely lacking any sense of the word. But they knew this about us, didn’t they?

Tmassar ~

Yes, we considered staying to help those poor dears. The loss we feel is in direct relation to the time we gave to them. I believe, if you are here, you are with one of them. I know of no other relationship problem that leads people to search for answers like this.

Just leave. The sooner the better. The longer you stay, the more you will lose of you. Get rid of that man. Life will begin anew as soon as you do.

It is guaranteed that he will cry, he will punish, he will pull out all the stops, flowers, pouting, promises, accusations, blame on you…. all these things and then some and the result will be the same. You will lose. He will not. He will replace you with as much thought as tossing out a used Kleenex.

I am sorry to say that. Remember.. it’s not about you.

And there is NOTHING you can do to heal a black hole. I can bet that thinking of another human being this way is against your nature. That is why he chose you; he instinctively knows this.

I wish you wellness.

Aloha.. E.R.

hi all loved reading the above blogs. i am in the middle of no contact this is made easier by the fact he has replaced me with another victim, so he doesnt really need to contact me a tthe moment anyway. what i want to ask if anyone here knows is while i am not contacting him does he think about me wonder why i am not contacting or what im doing or who ia m with ect. i really want to know if he does. i just find it hard to believe even though he acts so dedicated to the new love in his life as he will be cause its new, i dont think that is all thats going on in his mind. his mind seemed to me to have a million things going on at once most of the time, even though the girl thinks he only thinks about her. i feel totally disregarded when he starts something new and ignores me and i know he will be using all the things i taught him on her, like how to be romantic and what nice places to go and nice things to do ect. anyway can anyone help me if they know the answer to this question or think they know. look for ward to your responses.

Jules-

We are objects to them. Please think about the attachment you have to an empty milk carton–you keep the full one, but if it gets mad (sour) you throw it out. Once they suck the life out of us, they discard. We might as well exist, but if it is consoling to you …yes, I would say they do not forget their tastes, appetite for the NS we provide.

I have to endure my psycho sitting within feet of me, staring at me on a regular basis..psycho whips their head around everytime I turn. They are at a new low even for them, I am just old supply. They are trying to squeeze a bit of attention out of me, but it occured to me when I strayed ever so briefly into the thought “they’re sorry” ….if they were they wouldn’t sit/stare at me–they’d give me peace. Mine could never, ever utter a word of apology ….

I am not me to them, I am someone who once care for them. I gave them attention, nothing more. In fact as I think and replay their behavior they would regularly let me know I was “nothing.” I have emails I reread to remind me they think I am nothing. I suggest you remind yourself somehow that your narcissist/psycho thinks of you as supply- nothing more.

It hurts like hell, but the alternative– is much worse. If I gave them attention, they would crush me like newly harvested grapes, b/c that’s what I would be. Enough with my silly food metaphors. : )

Tmassar,
I endured the abuse of a sociopath when I was a child and therefore could spot them from a mile away. However, five years ago I met a man who set off all those red flags, but still I knew he wasn’t a complete sociopath. That knowledge cost me 3 years of my life, because he turned out to be a narcissist. I kept on making excuses for him, thinking he would change, and he said he wanted to, just for me. I gained weight, lost every iota of self-esteem I had and felt guilty about pretty much everything I did. I hit rock bottom.

My point is, you can not force another adult to change their behavior. Although they might say a million times that they want to and make a million promises, this is only a way to keep you quiet about the abuse you’re enduring. It’s true isn’t it? We want so bad for them to change that their saying that they’re willing to with a smile on their face is enough to make us happy and hope again that finally things will turn out alright.

Think about it. Why would he want to change now? He has you to love him, take care of him, endure his bad behavior and forgive his infidelity. If he has you to do all that for him, why would he want to give that up? He can just keep you around by making false promises and knows that he doesn’t even have to keep them.

Maybe you can sense that he has a little glimmer of a conscience hidden in there somewhere. I know I did. But just because he is not completely inhuman, is that a reason to endure psychological torment? You deserve better than the worst thing you can stand. The fact that you’re here, like Aloha said, is a testament to your anguish.

I left my N two years ago and I routinely tell my friends that it was the best choice I ever made. When you leave, you will discover a self that you completely forgot, maybe never even knew existed. When I left, I was directionless. He took all my ambition and self respect away from me, but I have since gained it back, and then some. I am now happily married in a relationship that I didn’t even think could be possible. My husband is caring, giving, loyal and sensitive. The exact opposite of my N. After enduring that nightmare, sometimes I have to pinch myself.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. That is the bottom line. Just think, if you directed all the love, caring and devotion that you waste on him to yourself, how much more at peace you would be.

Ariadne, ML, Holywatersalt:
I can’t thank you all enough for your support. You are all SO correct in identifying the kind of people we are (kind, giving, generous, full of empathy) – not to say we’re flawless, but so full of that supply.
My H is such a sad person…last night he expressed his anxieties to me and he was so kind…This kind of nice, vulnerable behavior (and fun, too I might add) can go on for quite some time before something explosive will interrupt us. How do I know this isn’t just a normal marriage? So MUCH seems fine to me. Yet you are all correct in saying that I sought out this site for a reason.
I actually DID start to find the real me again after he had his emotional affair. I broke for a while (went on pills, am seeing therapist), but I got better in part by making demands of him. I also reconnected with my family, paying no attention to the fact that he didn’t want me to tell them about any of his behaviors. Now I confide in my mom & sister all the time and I don’t give a damn what he thinks. My mother is visiting this week and for the first time EVER, I am NOT NERVOUS about her presence in our house because I finally have nothing to hide from her. I don’t have to defend him anymore! Can I re-make this relationship if I insist that my needs are met and respected? Nobody has EVER made him see that this is the only way… You can tell from this that I’m just not convinced that I won’t regret leaving – this is somebody who has also helped me reach my potential in my career and I can not say all bad things about him, by any stretch..Bear with me while I try to sort this out.

Tmassar,
The way you describe him, I don’t think your husband is a full-fledged sociopath. He sounds just like my ex-N. I think one of the most diffucult things with a relationship like this is the feeling that even though you may suffer a lot in the marriage, deep down he is not evil. He is a hurt little puppy in need of care that just happens to bite you very often! I think the mistake that caring women make is taking his life on as a responsibility. WE try to help him be a better person. WE try to make him feel better about himself. WE try to help him realize his full potential. We forget that he is a grown man and if he wanted to do all these things, he would. But he doesn’t need to because he has us to do everything for him. That is part of the reason your husband chose you, because of your nurturing nature. He knew (maybe subconsciously) that you would take responsibility for his behavior and take care of him at the same time.

I know it is hard to deal with, but I must tell you from experience, he will not change. This might not sink in for some time because it takes time to be able to see things clearly. You have to be willing to give up the fantasy that he is going to change very soon and you can begin living happily ever after like you are supposed to. You must end your denial of the reality that faces you. I know that it is really really difficult. The fact that you are still asking about whether the relationship can be salvaged shows that you have not accepted this yet. I am not sure what you want us to tell you or what answers you are searching for. It seems like you have really suffered as a result of this relationship but are still clinging to some faint hope. It is good that you are seeing a therapist because paying attention to your own needs right now is really important. If you continue to do this, things will become clear to you.

Keep the focus on yourself and give yourself all the love you deserve. I think starting on Free’s list might help you strengthen your sense of self which will only do you good. We will be here to support you every step of the way.

I kind of sympathised with my exN and I thought why should all the well adjusted people have all the good breaks – damaged people need love too. I knew he was badly abused as a child and thought, well he doesnt get drunk, doesnt hit women, ‘appears’ to be decent – he must have it well under control. I even said to him ‘the practicalities of my life are well sorted – have my own place etc – why dont you use me as a base to improve yourself, save money etc. Instead he bit me and It has been hard to come to terms with how I was responsible for allowing that. On the first meeting with him, I was dubious, he had an air of cruelty about him. But his words were silky and I was taken in by his verbal show. I hadnt been with anyone for 16 years and was desperate for male company and I was very open with him – I think he saw me coming – infact he said that on first sight of me ‘he knew I was THE ONE’. His well honed radar was working well that day. I was naive and well intentioned. Some weeks previously I had met someone else who was into S&M and turned him down, but must have weakened – blast, if only I had kept up my defences.

In future If I get into a relationship, it WILL be with someone who relatively well adjusted – and I will not be taking on any more lame ducks or losers, I have wasted too much of my life for that and I have nothing to show for it. If I am going to value myself, I will be looking at things more as an investment, you invest in me and I will think about investing in you. But I wont invest in them with verbal promises. Action is the key and even then it will have to be consistent and ongoing and proven!

tmassar, your situation sounds similar to the marriage I was in. I thought I could help him. He made many many promises over 18 yrs that he did not keep. I went into counseling and took paxil in the middle of the marriage. I couldn’t see he was the reason I needed to do that. My counselor said he was a N, but I didn’t research it, so I didn’t “get it”. And also one word DENIAL. When I asked him to come with me he told me-no, you’re the one with the problem, not me. When I started seeing the same counselor again last year after he left me, she said she had seen the N, but not the S because I wasn’t seeing it. I hadn’t told her some of what was going on in the marriage the first time because I was protecting my poor, abused as a child, misunderstood husband. After his last fiasco, I had had enough and became stronger in the sense I started holding him accountable for some of his decisions and behaviors. His response was to manipulate his way into a new life that he said was all for our son and me. When he got it, he threw us out like yesterday’s garbage. Thank God that he did.

Yesterday one of my sister-in-laws said to me that she thinks this is the best thing that could of happened to me. She said she doesn’t know what he was doing to me, but I’m a different person now. So much stronger and more confident. I don’t always see it or feel it, but apparently it’s quite noticeable.

Thank you to everyone here. You are all helping me in my healing process.

Ariadne – all of you – you give so much good advice. And you are so kind. I agree – he’s not a sociopath but rather a narcissist – and one who is trying very hard to defeat his demons, for himself and for me.
Tryingtorecover – like you, I’m now on Paxil and in therapy, following his emotional affair. He has tremendous guilt and say he knows he caused these consequences for me. Even there though – there is full accountability at times, but at other times he wants to stress to me that “it wasn’t as serious as I thought” – ie,, I made too big a deal out of it. I won’t stand for it.
The idea of his being an N is so new to me – the idea that this is a sort of pathological condition. I saw it, yet I didn’t. It’s ironic that as I embark on this whole journey, writing on these blogs and seeking those like me, he has never been kinder to me – helping with dinner/dishes/garbage, affectionate, everything I could want in a partner? Did I only imagine all the rest, or is it all going to go to hell again one day, when he is stressed, or when I am, or something else goes wrong?

ML – you are right, I am so emotionally connected. I get a lot out of this relationship – i am HAPPY in these moments of peace. But I am desperately unhappy when the peace isn’t there – there has to be a middle-ground. It can’t all be either ecstasy or crushing pain..I continue to ponder.

My mother is visiting. She has been through some very similar stuff (specifically emotional affair) – I am hoping she can provide me some wisdom from the outside too.

I thank you all for letting me share – I’m sorry I’ve been unable to offer much to any of you at this point (I’m as self-absorbed as H right now!!)..you are remarkable, all of you for having the strength that I’m only starting to find.

tmasser – I too was in a relationship that every time I got to the point I couldnt take his lies, cheating, deceptions – he would suddenly turn into the most perfect man any woman could want. For several months even, he would treat me wonderfully – we had so much fun and truly in those times I was happier than ever with any man.

It seemed like it could only stay normal and happy for about 3 months and then another occurance would happen on his part – where he would be caught cheating, or disappear and become very cold to me or cause some sort of big disruption in our relationship – and it usually was something very painful to me.

I realized tho I loved him and on one side felt very happy – that over the years emotionally and physically I could not ride that rollercoaster and stay healthy. I happened to choose to break it off (for the 4th time) during a time of calmness – because anytime I ended it during a huge problem, he told me I was just reacting emotionally and I didnt mean it. He would be right, and I would end up coming back and we’d try again based on all his promises that he was done with other women. I believe he enjoyed creating the drama and seeing what I would do with it all. He would reel me in, then do something horrible and let me wallow around in hurt, deciding to stay or leave or forgive and forget…. it became like clockwork.. all to the detriment of my health. I am now dealing with what I believe is stress related health issues – thanks to him.

The last time I ended it – I was so physically and emotionally broken by his patterns – that I have managed to stay away. I ended it with a calm talk and asking him to please not contact me. So far he has tried a little but I’ve been able to stick to my guns and let it go. You will always miss the good times but you have to know that they work in cycles and its not something I want to bear, only to have the few nice times in between.

Once you are able to make a decision – you will slowly begin to feel your old self again. This website has been of great help it is very healing reading others advice and stories. You are not alone.

Jules-
You might guess from my pseudonym- I am religious- met my latest narcissists and psychopaths in Church. 🙂

That said– I think INternet dating is not such a great idea either, I think at best it’s a waste of time. As far as church, yes attend…but don’t think a religious affliation makes someone more desirable or holier….dear God that is not so. Test whomever you meet- take your time.

Go to a lot of different functions, and be willing to move on if you see ANY red flags.

I will pray for you.
HWS

ml and hollywaters. thank you for your support i am trying so hard and i am getting it slowly it takes time. i am thinking about me andmy life a lot at the moment its just those odd moments that het creeps into my mind i find it easier to not like him now espec he has found another one of his victims, hes had several since we split where i have only had one not that serious encounter. i am trying to meet new people i m doint internet dating. i havent got many friends cause of past marriage break up and the s n episode. but i am finding many guys on t he internet have hang ups about past relationships or marriages and just hang ups about woman in general so i dont think this is the best place for me to meet men or just friends. i am thinking about looking for a church group as i thought maybe the people here might be more adjusted and caring, i am not really religious but i am spiritual and from what i have learned just know alot aobut life and treating people right. do you think this is a good idea. i have read that some s p s use religion as a cover though and have read about that on here so im not sure i just want to get in contact with people the right sort of people but not sure how or what group is best. its hard isnt it.

Jules,

As far as I know, I was one of the longest relationships the Bad Man had since his divorce. A woman that dated the Bad Man after me for 5 months told me he never mentioned me. Not on the radar at all.

I would guess that your ex does not think about you. Be glad. And then return the favor to him. :o)

Remember, it doesn’t mean you aren’t great, and memorable and have wonderful qualities. It means that at present moment, you are of no USE to him. Some of these guys are freaky stalkers. Mine did that sometimes. Count yourself lucky if he isn’t thinking of you. TRULY.

I would bet you are wondering about this because you are still attached to those special “moments” you shared.. the ones that felt ideal to you.. or you are attached to the love you poured out on this person that was exploiting you. It is painful to think that we gave our very best and cared very much for a BLACK HOLE, isn’t it?

I think we do this because we are not loving ourselves and we think, “Just as soon as I can get someone to love me, then I WILL LOVE ME… because I need the validation of a man to assure me that I am loveable because without that validation.. I am not entirely sure.” I hope this doesn’t offend anyone but I am willing to stand up and say, “Hi. I was doing that. TOTALLY.”

Remember my picture I called “pretending to be happy”? As lame as it is, I will admitt EXACTLY what I was up to at that moment. I was trying to show the Bad Man what a delightful, loving woman I was… so that he would STOP ABUSING ME. It didn’t work.

Just like he manipulated me, I guess I was trying the same on him. I pretended that I was having the best time in the world with him. I was pretending we were the happiest couple in the world. I was pretending that I wasn’t in emotional anguish over his latest round of attacks on my character and my spirit. In fact, if I remember correctly, my “pretending to be happy” photo was taken just a few days after getting back together after a 30 day break up where I would not speak to him and he attacked me over and over via email and I blocked a total of 20 email address because he kept creating new one to get through his hateful messages… and then… I WAS PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY!

This was 6 months in to the nightmare which was escalating and getting worse by the minute. I already had more than enough information to know that this man was DANGEROUS…. especially to me and my emotional well being. I was a total basket case at that point. :o(

When you are wondering if he is thinking of you, are you wondering if he is missing all that love you poured out on him? If you are, then this is about wondering why you were not enough.

The answer is… YOU ARE ENOUGH!… but he is a Sociopath.

Send this to a friend