Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Dear findingmyselfagain,
I think you really nailed it, I was indeed living inside a wish, and we mostly focus on the “potential” factor as opposed to the real deal, god bless you for a complete overview of my situation and the great advice. I just stumbled upon this site, when I typed in the word “sociopath” in google, thinking that this person must be one as he emotionally raped me during the one year that he was pursuing me online and on the phone, and I ended up being mesmerized by him – all I can here in my head are his sentiments and not mine, he conveinced me by words that he is not a player, that relationship takes work and effort and he is in it for the long haul and knows that I am perfect for him, blah blah, blah – but reading the blogs here are helping a lot, and in particular your reply, thank you! Hugging back 🙂
My S convinced me that though he’d made mistakes in the past ~ (I knew of his cheating on his wife and some other past girlfriends).. that he had never had a relationship as wonderfully natural and content and happy as ours. We were made for each other and he would always tell me that neither he nor I would ever be able to replace what we had if we did not stick together. I believed it, because what we did have was beautiful. If only it had been real.
I think over our two years together he studied very closely what women want and how he should act so to pull off the wonderful guy act. He was an expert. All the while, still sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and talking to other ex’s and still having “friendships” with others.
I just ran into him only 8 weeks after we’ve ended and he was arm in arm with a woman and they acted like they had been in love for years. Who knows, maybe they have been. It was hard to leave because he treated me like a queen really. Was better and took more care of me than any man ever has. Yet all that I think was payoff (like a hooker) for what he was doing on the side. If he kept me content and comfortable, I would think all was well, and he could do anything he wanted on the side. He made some mistakes tho and I found out about way more than he intended but even still he had very convincing explations for many things.
They all are expert talkers- you would believe black was white, by the time he was done with ya.
It still tricked me in the end but I had been so done with being confused.. I finally didnt care if I was wrong or right about him. I was exhausted of thinking and trying to figure out the truth.
Oh my God from what little you are telling me it feels like even they might be the same guy! Seems like this personality profile has many things in common, and invariably the outlast you in any argument and everything you are saying is right on the money again (this used to be his slang word and I have to use something else darn!)…anyways I love the part where you say: “I believed it, because what we did have was beautiful. If only it had been real.” I think real is the key word here, they can make you fall for them and their charm but when it comes to delivery…humm…I think they always have more than one prospect (as they don’t care about other people’s feelings and have no conscience either!) so when one ends they won’t have to deal with any feelings and themselves, because they are so afraid of being alone and by themselves, that they line up others right after one leaves…however. I still miss him or what it could have been and still have saved ALL his voicemails, I have to start by deleting them and any remnants of it, but in a morbid way I want him back and I am wishing that he would call me one of these days, and that he would be what I thought he would be, this is the sad part, I know he isn’t and can’t be and won’t even call me as just like your case I am sure he already has someone and I just wish I could be like him and just use people and switch things off when they don’t serve me anymore, like a transactional relationship, but alas I can’t and I just wish I would be able to move on faster rather than slower, and blogs like this and good souls like you sharing your experiences would help a lot, as I try to rehash what happened and what I did wrong for him to turn cold so fast, I guess it gives me comfort to see that so many other woman have given their all to such guys and even giving your all isn’t going to do it with them! I just feel like I should have done this or that for him or said this or that the way he wanted it…one of his reasons for losing interest was that he said I argue over everything with him and everything is a “pissing contest” I was shocked, I think any expression of my opinion to him was viewed as such and I had no idea he sees things this way! What they do to people and their feelings could be totally outside of their awareness as they are such insecure little boys who are afraid of being dumped with huge egos…sorry for the rambling I should stop acting so crazy with all these crazy thoughts, I am not usually like this, please forgive me…
longdistance,
You say “I’m not ususally like this…” and I believe you, trhying to make sense out of them is “crazymaking” and I think most if not all of us have experienced the same thing.
The wanting him back is an “addicction” of sorts to the wonderful brain chemicals “falling in love”gives you…they play on that to bond you to them, then start the abuse, the lies, the hurt…
YOU didn’t “do” anything to make him “turn so cold so fast” there is NOTHING you could have done that would have made a bit of difference unless you want to go to the tattoo parlor and get a tattoo that says DOOR MAT on your back and continually lie down for him to walk on, and still even then, he would have found fault with something, your bones were too hard and hurt his feet, SOMETHING to criticize you for.
I think most of us in one way or another have been addicted to the fantasy that if we can only find the magic phrase we can FIX them, make them love us like we love them….NOT going to happen. They CAN’T love anyone, they can only OWN people. But they are never satisfied with you or anyone they “own.”
Glad you are here and glad you are “seeing the light”—it does get easier. I promise!
Yep, I agree with OxDrover. They turn you into a woman you dont know. As someone said before on here, you are not crazy, they drive you crazy! Do not apologize for yourself or anything you have done for if you have been with a man like this, you could have been the most perfect woman and they still de-value who you are.
Mine was always suggesting all these sexual things he wanted: to be with two woman, to use handcuffs, to do things in public no one would see, he was addicted to porn, and even in the beginning had “an innocent job assisting a photographer for photoshoots for prostitutes and call girls for their websites and portfolios”. Of course that didnt set well with me, but I tried to not be controlling and accept that it was extra money he was making with this guy he knew since childhood who truly does have a top notch photo studio in the city.
All that served to make me feel so boring, so uninteresting, and then I began to wonder where he went to fulfill all those fantasies because once he got it, that I wasnt into all that-he stopped asking and became so content and happy with our normal selves.
Anyway – all that to say is they are never happy with what they’ve got… they are getting Plan B ready at all times and what you said about his and your arguing.. well from my experience they set the stage for argument by their actions, secrecy, turning cold, then hot… etc. and always make it look like you are the fighter. They create a path of drama everywhere they go. Dont give him any more attention-its what he wants, whether negative or positive – it feeds their illness. oh and mine would create a big awful situation, then shut me down when I wanted to discuss what just happened. No confrontations unless he allowed it. Otherwise, there was no discussion to be had.
I know right now, the wish for him to call or just to see him or talk to him once more can be the driving force in you. It almost numbs you to the reality and suddenly things dont look quite so terrible with him. But you have to listen to your inside intuition that has been whispering to you all along. Try to quiet the need for him in any way you can. I would log onto this site so often it was nuts but everytime I could feel myself missing him, I would start reading here again to remind myself of the truth.
There were some good posts on Rumination-if you can find those on this site. About how this leads you to overthinking every little thing, analyzing it all over and over and trying to re-figure it all. Its normal to do that for awhile, but then you have to take control of your mind a little and try to stop letting him in there at every thought.
OxDrover, very powerful words of wisdom – thank you!
I am also reading a very good book called: “Dealing with Crazymakers in your life” its wonderful!
findingmyselfagain, you’re right I shouldn’t give him any more attention, he is into mind games and is an expert at being totally “just-logic-and-no-emotion” the count of all the sweet and beautiful women he had dumped over crazy little things was scary, and he kept claiming that he is not a player and he intended to marry every one of them and they were not right for him for one thing or other and made me feel special by repeating that I was so different and I would be the one, ah…I wish we would listen to our intuition more often…
I am at a point where I (just noticed this!) don’t want to look in the mirror, (I used to love mirrors and would smile at myself each time I would look in it!) because the woman in the mirror who is such a captive is a stranger to me, I was independent, happy, confident and positive and full of hope before meeting him, now I feel like every morning I have to drag myself out of bed to go to work as though a ton of brick has feel on me killing all my hope, as I am convinced that there is something lacking in my brain that I am attracted to his type etc. I wish I could get my old strong self back again, this is a very helpful site though and the only thing that gives me hope right now….
God bless you again for sharing and I will keep reading…thanks!
Dear Oxdrover, (I have to agree with Longdistance) – you really are coming through with such clarity and wisdom, it is inspiring to read and the strength in your words is so apparent. Yes I agree it does get better, always difficult to see this when on the path of pain and turmoil. That is why the reason to never go back or have contact with them, is so vitally important – it gives wounds a chance to heal. As a woman I have realised that my qualities of nurturing are to be treasured and not trashed.
In my dating book, it says that women are like slow ovens and men blow hot and cold, which may explain why women hang on in there for far longer than they should. Part of what I have learned is to harness my masculine energy to protect my feminine and to use the practical and logical part of myself to take action and create boundaries BEFORE red lines. I only had red lines and when it was evident he was messing with other women and enjoying giving me hints about it, he was getting dangerously close to my red lines. But like all the levels I have fallen through, the hurt of realising that he really didnt genuinely care about me was so painful. But the crux is to work out the ones who are genuine and those who are not and who are clever at hiding their personality disorders – like my exN did. He knew he had a problem, but each time he wanted to start afresh, thinking that if this time he found the ‘right’ woman things would be ok – forever in denial.
I watching a tv programme on buying property – observing that when people reject what isnt suitable and keep their standards, they end up with a better house than they would have settled for in the beginning. But I was choosy and wound up with evil but looking back I was naieve. ‘Believe in Better’.
I empathize with and comprehend, from a deep level, the desire to “see” them again, even out of curiosity. I was awarded this opportunity after not seeing my S for 3 months (and the last time I had spent the night with him) in January. I found him looking older, greyer, diminished in size and unattractive to me…which was astounding. I believe it may have been because it was about his ex-wife getting her share of their jointly-owned property, and I have read that Sociopaths are happiest when they are receiving money, and the least happy when they are losing money.
My S was incredibly adept at hiding the truth, and in fact I believed him to be a man of most integrity. He was kind, generous, thoughtful, but somewhat emotionally distant (did not hug/kiss unless I initiated it). Of course he had a very healthy sexual appetite and my favorite time of the day was snuggling up with him and…
My S used to say “everything is smoke and mirrors” which of course, looking back, applied to himself. His other favorite sayings were “a man needs a place, a woman needs a reason”, “it’s all about the money” and everybody is “screwing the shit out of him”. As I look back, there were warning signs I didn’t recognize…poor or nonexistent sibling relationships, he said horrible things about his ex-wife (as I have befriended her, I have found they are all untrue) and financial irresponsibility. Basically if I took everything he ever said and turned it upside down, it would be pretty close to the truth. Another thing he used to say to me that I found strange was, “You hate me”, and I’d say, “I don’t hate you” and he’d say it again, and I’d give the same response. Then he said, “just give it time, you will”. Almost like he saw the last chapter of the book when it was just beginning. When he was with his new love (he must have had me on speaker phone) and I repeated this conversation to him, and he said, “I never said that”. But he did, several times.
He also displays himself publicly as a workaholic, but in fact most of his time is spent “playing” on the computer, on the phone, or watching TV. He works very little. He was also very lazy around the house, and if he couldn’t pay someone to do something, (maids, gardener), he wouldn’t even lift a finger to put a dish in the dishwasher. He was also VERY PRIVATE about his personal and business finances (I found out because he is doing illegal things). There becomes, from the initial love/trust, what I refer to as a “trail of tears”; a path of devastation and hurt behind them. There are NO HAPPY ENDINGS for victims of sociopaths. And everyone is a potential victim, because these people have an agenda, and are very predatory. They have a “use” for you and want to “win”. When you no longer are in their manipulative scheme of things, they discard you like a disposable diaper, in a most cruel, abusive, and humiliating way. I thought my Socipath had a brain tumor. I did not realize until this site that his “sickness” is untreatable, and that his MO is a cookie-cutter model of most other Sociopaths…
I am thankful for the wisdom and insight of the (mostly) women on this site. Until someone has lived through this hell, from the emotional, verbal, and perhaps physical and sexual abuse, to the deep hurt and humiliation, to identifying the illness to the consuming task or obsessiveness of “figuring out the puzzle” of them to finally grasping it is not our fault. We are victims of very good actors, where every day they play a part on the stage, and play it very well.
It is so helpful to read that we “are not alone” and this is not happening in isolation (to us) but there are others (although we wish no one else had to feel this pain). This site has been the most insightful, not only in the articles, but the blogs, where real people write what is in our hearts, in our souls, in our bones…what we have experienced.
Thank you, Lovefraud, and Lovefraud readers.
Thank you Beverly and thank you Longdistance, I sometimes feel like an old war veteran recounting my battles and war wounds. Obviously I have “lost” most of the battles, but I think in the end, I have won the “war” simply by surviving.
One of the books that helped me the MOST was “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr.Viktor Frankly who was a psychiatrist who was in the prisoner of war camps in Nazi Germany.
His book is not just about the DETAILS of his torture, but more about the inner feelings he had about it, and about what happens to “man” when the only thing they have left is their own bodies, and even then, they have NO CONTROL over that body. The concentration camp victims were the ULTIMATE victims of psychopaths I think, and also “normal” people who behaved as psychopaths in order to try to save themselves.
Dr. Frankl came out not bitter but aware of himself, with a spirit that learned from the experience, that grew from the experience.
When “we” (victims of Ps) feel that OUR pain has been the worst pain in the world, our losses the worst losses in the world, I can read his works and realize that I have lost less than he, and still he “won” the war of the Ps.
He inspires me to WIN, to become better, to grow and improve. To FIND MEANING in the experiences with my “army of Ps” that I have interacted with in my life. To gain wisdom, and to be cautious, but not to be bitter and hard. God knows that if anyone had a REASON to be bitter it was those people who lost everything, and so many of them their lives.
He challenges me to look at myself in a different way. To be grateful for the experience because it is a learning experience. Painful, true, but still gives me a reason to continue to work and grow, and to overcome the pain, the disappointment, and the bitterness.
I also acknowledge that I have had a part in letting them (the Ps) wound me. I have given in to other fantasy that they held out for me. I have not listened to others when they warned me that that person was “no good” or “would not do”—whether it was in business, family, or romantic context. I have not set appropriate boundaries or defended them. I have put myself in the path of their “on coming train” and in some cases laid my body across the tracks, even knowing the “train was coming.”
I can’t stop the Ps in the world being Ps, but I can learn the signs of the predators, watch for them, and avoid them in more cases than not.
I disagree with you though about “Happy endings”—I think WE can have happy endings, just not with the psychopaths in our lives, we have to CUT THEM out of the loop. I know now, that I can have a “happy ending” I am getting there now, one step at a time. In the last few months as I have healed (rather than tearing the scabs off my own wounds) I am returning to HAPPY. But I could NOT have had a happy ending, unless I got the pattern of P behavior, and understood somewhat that it was not just “random” a$$holes that hurt me, it is a BREED of people that have common behavior patterns.
Just like breeds of dogs are bred for a particular behavior pattern for different “uses” from companion animals to attack dogs…and yes, it is possible to train and make a Beagle where he will bite people, but it is never very successful for him to be an attack dog, it just isn’t in his genes. And yes, there are individual dogs that are bred for attack dogs that can be “gentled” but over all Beagles hunt rabbits and are friendly, and Pit Bulls have the potential to attack and kill (not trying to start a war here over dog breeds, just using it for reference) So the Ps are an “attack breed” of the human race. Some are “meaner” than others, but they all belong to a predatory “breed” that is in their genes and some environmental conditioning as well. When we see a Beagle we can recognize it on sight and almost always assume it is friendly. When we see a Pit Bull, we can also pretty much assume it is not likely to be “friendly”–so we need to learn to distinguish by the “signs” that a person is part of the “attack” breed of human. Since it isn’t as “visual” as with a breed of dog, we have to watch for behavioral clues, as well as look at the history of their past behavior. And, if we were wise, we would listen to other people who told us “that dog bites” but unfortunately, when I was told that a “dog bit” as long as he was wagging his tail I tended to not listen until I also got bitten.
I was warned about a P woman I went to work for, and it only took me 6 months to see the truth of it, and I resigned. Which surprised her very much, because no one else had resigned after one of her tirades…but I realized that it wasn’t worth it to stay and left, because I could. I got into business with one once, same way, cost me a great deal of money and trouble, but I should have listened to the warning and I didn’t.
Both of those were “tuition” in the school of hard knocks. I hope that THIS time I have learned the lessons, if not I will have to pay another installment on the “tuition” and go back to class, and it is so painful that I think I had rather graduate from that “school” LOL
I think I will always be doing “post graduate” work on ways to improve myself, but as long as I am not suffering at the hands of another P, I can make great strides in becoming the person that I want to be.
OxDrover:
I did not mean to imply that there are no happy endings for victims of Sociopaths. Most certainly, there is identification, understanding, and healing for the victims. And along with this, there is peace, and happiness.
What I meant to state is that there is no happy ending WITH a sociopath. It is a road of personal pain and devastation.
I have read the soul searching, encouragement, positivism, high intellectualism and personal quests by the participants on this site, and I believe there will be many happy endings here.
I love your analogy about breeds of dogs and how that relates to people (and Sociopaths).
Peggy Pseu