Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Peggy I am so in agreement with you that there is NO happy ending with the Ps…
BTW I loved your poem, if you have more please share them with us.
I guess I think in analogies, and since I have been an animal trainer most of my life, I see so many things that are the same with humans. The methods we reward animals with in order to get them to do what we want them to is so much like the Ps “reward” us to gain control over us.
In many ways, we are actually “pseudo-Ps” to the animals we train to work for us. Manipulating them to do what we want them to for our benefit, even if it is training them to go outside to go poo and pee. LOL
Just as various people have various personalities, breeds of animals have similar personalities as well, whether it is a breed of cattle, or a breed of dog, or a wild animal. Knowing which breed of a certain kind of animal you are working with is a good thing to know when you start to work with them.
Since I have several large breeds of animals on my farm, I chose a breed of catltle that is generally a gentle breed, and there were specific animals in the herd that were NOT gentle, but aggressive. I soon saw that these animals’ offspring were also more aggressive than the “norm’ so started culling them out. The herd I have now is very passive toward humans. I did this out of “good sense” because any large animal can hurt you out of fear or by accident, I just don’t want any on my farm that would TRY to hurt you because they were aggressive.
One of the first cows I had years ago was a kicker. And after several calves I realized that ALL her calves were kickers as well. I have researched the tendency of breeds of animals and specific ones to be geneticly prone to aggression.
People are animals as well, and I decided years ago that there had to be some genetic tendency in humans for aggression, etc. as well. Research now being done is proving that my “gut reaction” thoughts were valid.
There was a time in our culture when a newborn baby was thought to be a “blank slate” and that environment only was responsible for what he became as an adult. We know now that this was wrong, that it is a mixture of genes and environment.
My mother has a saying that “the same sun that hardens the clay will melt the wax” and so the same identical conditions of environment will have different results depending on the material they are made of. My two sons had essentially the same environment, yet one became a caring and kind man, and the other is a flamming P doing life for murder, and even from his prison cell continuing to try to con, manipulate and harm our family.
It is only now, that at age 60 that I am garnering enough knowledge, wisdom, etc. to realize that my entire life has been lived in the shadow and pain of one p or another, but that there IS a way out, a way to a better life. My P-bio father is dead, my P son is in prison and I am NC with him, my enabling mother is also NC, my caring son is divorced finally from his P X wife, and gathering information that will hopefully let him heal and learn as well, all the Ps I worked with or was in business with are gone out of my life, so I am P-FREE for the first time in my life, and I do intend to stay that way!
OxDrover:
Yeah! You are finally free of the Ps! I have had only 2 such encounters, one at 19 and one at 45…although my ex-husband was a N. Never again will I allow the attractiveness, attentiveness, and sexuality of a S to entice me.
Here are two other poems, written in the pain/recovery/aftermath of discovering he was a Sociopath.
How Could You
How could you lie to me?
Why didn’t you set me free?
The door was open from the start,
at any time you could part.
We cannot ever be friends;
the pain you cause never ends.
You cheat and manipulate all–
no, you do not stand tall.
You care for no one but for you,
nothing you have said is true.
You care for nothing but money.
You’re not clever, and not funny.
You think you are so damn smart!
But you haven’t got a heart.
You are cold as cold can be.
Your eyes are blind, you do not see.
The pain you caused will bite you.
It will stick to you like glue.
I send you blessings, this is true:
What you give is returned you.
You are not kind nor respectful,
you are hurtful and rejectful.
No good will ever follow you–
you are color of the darker hue.
Enjoy yourself while it lasts,
soon you’ll pay for your “pasts”.
In a tiny little cell you will be,
I shudder remembering your sign “We”.
“Peggy Pseu”
11/25/07
You’re Not Faithful
You’re not faithful, you’re not true.
You are of a darker hue.
You had talent, you had smarts
You had charm off the charts.
You could have helped so many.
You could have loved and laughed.
You could have chosen health,
But you have chosen only wealth.
That is, fabricated wealth.
Because you have stolen,
raped and pillaged, but not
in a most literal sense.
You have taken what isn’t yours.
You have let greed control you,
consume you, chew you up…
and it will spit you out.
You’re not faithful, you’re not true.
You are of a darker hue.
You had talent, you had smarts
You had charm off the charts.
You are so materialistic
that it is an illness, it is sick
and unnatural and will eat you
from the inside out like tapeworms.
Your greed is ugly, and
your greed is hideous.
Your greed is perversion in
the most slimy, gruesome way.
It is sad what you have chosen,
the dark path you have taken.
You have no heart, nor feelings;
you have no hope nor healings.
You’re not faithful, you’re not true.
You are of a darker hue.
You had talent, you had smarts
You had charm off the charts.
“Peggy Pseu”
11/25/07
Thank you for sharing those poems Peggy, they apply to any P in our lives for sure.
Yes, I am free of the Ps, but there are always going to be others in our lives who will push our boundaries even if they are not Ps. I am learning to set those boundaries and to stick to them.
I am not obligated to allow anyone to use me, or to abuse me. To stop enabling in any sense, to stop being a “people pleaser” at all costs is my next goal. In fact, I have come to a decision on setting boundaries today and will set those boundaries in a reasonable and fair manner and stand behind those boundaries.
I am learning that the enabler-dependent roles cause problem s on both sides. You (as an enabler) keep a relationship by doing for others what they should do for themselves (and you resent that) and they keep the relationship by in one form or another letting you do for them what they should be doing for themselves and they resent that too.
Sometimes when you break the cycle, you also lose the relationship, and that is just a fact of life. Not all people who are dependent are Ps and I know that, but they can be just as disruptive in your life as if they were because they come to expect that YOU will “take care of their needs” and almost like they have an ENTITLEMENT to that, which of course, they don’t.
The things the Ps have taught me so graphically can be applied, must I think, be applied to all relationships, not just the Ps. The difference is that if the relationship is actually based on love, and not JUST need, then the relationship will survive the changes and the reasonable boundaries, if it is based solely on the dependent’s need for you to “take care of them” and on your need to “feel important” by taking care of someone,, the relationship will not survive.
I realize that many of the things I have done for others (when I really didn’t want to do them) is based on my need to be seen as “nice and helpful”–the trick I think at least for me is that if I RESENT what I am doing for you, it is enabling. If I am GLAD to do it, it is not enabling.
When my step dad was dying with cancer I took care of him almost 24/7 for 18 months and I was GLAD to do it, we had some of the best quality time together during his last days that we had ever had. I cherish those memories of his last year and a half. After his death when my mother demanded that I care for her when she could WELL have cared for herself and met her own needs, I resented not being able to take care of my own needs that had accumulated during the time I had taken care of my daddy. I tried to stop enabling her, but it threw her into a rage—and she turned to the Ps for her dependence and of course they stole from her, abused her etc.
I have not been willing in the past to “risk” the loss of a relationship by stopping my own enabling until I reached a point that I had NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. If I didn’t take care of MYSELF I would have died. It was a difficult and painful lesson, and one over which I debated long and hard, but one I think now I am on the way to “fixing” in myself.
Sometimes when I am thinking about setting a limit (boundaries) on some relationship I will discuss it with my sons and ask them if they think my boundaries are reasonable. I hope that I get to the point that I can trust myself more and not feel a need to validate my boundaries with someone else, but this is at least a first step in that I am thinking through the boundaries in a logical and reasonable way and not just “flying off the handle emotionally” when red lines have been crossed.
I was very surprised and glad that both my (good) sons supported my NC with my mother. I had determined to do it anyway, but it is good that they both support and understand my reasons.
tmasser…
I am so happy and proud of you! I wish you the best! YOU ARE STRONG… POWERFUL.. AND INCONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE NOW!!!!!!
XXXOOOJWP
Tmassar,
Congratulations on your decision to leave. In regard to your question, “Is it normal to be scared of marital fights?”
No, it is not normal.
Verbal abuse is not normal.
Emotional abuse is not normal.
Physical abuse is not normal.
Pathological lying is not normal.
Treating your partner with love, kindness, and respect IS normal.
Your husband is saying some horrible things to you, and you do not deserve his disrespect and his abuse. I also question whether his “emotional” affair involves a more…personal quality.
But after the relationship with my Sociopath, I have trust issues. (And allergies). I joke with my friends that I have letter and word allergies…I am allergic to the L (Love) word, as well as (C) Commitment and (M) Marriage. I hope to have fewer allergies as time passes!
I suggest you immediately contact an attorney and protect yourself: your heart, your personal security, your emotional and physical health, and your finances.
Bless your heart, and good luck with your new venture. It took a lot of courage for you to make this move, and you will gain strength every day. You have made the right decision.
Peggy Pseu
Reading what everyone has written has been so helpful. Healing was something that I had been trying to do while still in the mess of a relationship with my S. I felt crazy the whole time. I started snooping through his things to try and make myself feel better. Most of the time it didn’t, I would find something and then he would make me feel crazy for having rational well grounded suspicions. I finally left a little over a month ago. I have been trying for the last year to get out for good, I am so happy now to be out. It has really been hard though… he started calling this past weekend, sending me angry text messages, then sending sad missing me ones and telling me he loves me. Now that I know who he is it was easier then ever to not pick up the phone, but he succeeded in getting back in my head for a little.
I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel weak. I used to feel strong and empowered. My 5 year relationship with him started to make a shell of me. As he did more and more awful things to me I began to pull away from my family, embarrassed at what I was putting up with. He was a full time job. I stopped talking to all of the men in my life, my relationship with my father started to break down, and I felt anxiety about going out with my friends (which had never been an issue before!).
I think the worst, and the thing that kept me around the longest, was the empty promises though. It was always a cruise, or a trip… when he had never even bought me a birthday or christmas present. He would dangle these things in front of me, then when we would fight he would snatch them away, or if we broke up they would become a baiting tool. He even used to use his dog, that I loved as my own, as a manipulation tool. I knew I deserved better, and that someone out there would give it to me, but I wanted it from him! I don’t know why it was so important that it be from him. I just kept waiting for him to come through, but as we all know too well, he wasn’t going to.
I am so glad I am out of it, but healing is slow and I find myself thinking about him more then I would like to. He keeps contacting me randomly, I know I should block his number and not open his e-mails. I know it is setting me back, I feel like I can’t help it… I think I need help. He is an awful person, there is nothing there for me. Why is this so hard?
FinallyFree- I’m so glad you found this site. The people here are wonderfully supportive and the more you can read the better. I ended a very intense 2 yr relationship (for the 4th time) right after New Years. I understand all you feel and so do all the others here. Many here have been in their’s 10, 15, 18 years. So everyone understands where you are right now.
You are feeling normal feelings after having left an S. Its important not to let yourself slip back, even tho there are days you cannot control the urge to talk or see him or just reply to an email. Every day you practice no contact, you are a day closer to truly being free.
The common thing amongst us is “we lost who we used to be” and become so lured in to everything they pretended to provide to us. The key word that your gut feeling is also telling you is “pretend”. He doesnt have what you deserve nor will he ever. I logged on to this site and just sat and read, every time I felt weak. It will help you to remember reality.
I just ran into mine only 7 weeks past our “being in love” and he was arm in arm – snuggliing all over a new woman. It made my heart sick, but yet I hope it reinforced more to me the reality of the intentions of an S. They drain you of energy, hope, love, self, pride in who you are and what you are doing. I even lied to my friends for a long period of time that I was even seeing him.
Try to distract yourself in any way and press on to a better heart, soul and mind for yourself. You will get there in time. Time and patience are wonderful healers.
FinallyFree – go to the list of blogs and read on Rumination. It talks alot about all of us trying to stop thinking about him all the time and trying to figure everything out constantly. It might help you too.
hugs.
findingmyselfagain-
Thank you so much. I lied to my friends and about being back with him for a while too. I dread running into him, I know I will eventually. I am just happy that I am moving soon and he won’t know where I live anymore. I think he was at my apartment this weekend so I went to a friend’s for a while.
I know that sick feeling in your heart all too well. It’s awful. I have been sitting and reading the site for the past few days, it has been really helpful.
Thank you again, he started calling me as I was reading your post. You have helped more then you know.
FinallyFree: I’m getting ready for work, so cant write much but I finally had to tell mine in not so kind of words to stop calling me. He would send little text messages, or an email now and then or a call to say hi, knowing full well it tempted me back. They know we love a part of them and know how to weasel back into your heart. You might have to become less and less available to his little efforts at keeping you on the hook. After awhile, being nice didnt work for me so I put it to him straight. Its been less of a problem now. I have to see him at work unfortunately but he acts like we never had a problem… friendly as can be. ugh.
Well have a good day – stay strong!
L.