Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Hi all…. if anyone is on I could really use some words of encouragement right now. strength and willpower is more like it. I have been reading all of your posts and i relate to each and everyone of you… I’ve been very busy with my 8 month old so it’s taking me a while. My first post was last Friday and you all helped me so very much. i believe we all have/had a man from the exact same mold… Right now I need help so i don’t pick up the phone. My p/n/s is texting me that he misses me.. please call him…. of course Ive been wanting him to call, but i know its t he worst thing if i call him back….. HELP PLEASE! I know he lies! I know he cheats. I know he rapes me mentally and emotionally. He is evil. HE IS A LIE! HE IS A LIE! HE IS A LIE!
jwp
Jwpjeni,
NO contact is the only way to rid yourself of the FOG that he projects around him to lure you in…it is like you are a heroin addict and someone is offering you a fix—you want it, you know it will “feel good” for a few minutes, but you know it is ruining your life. We become aDDICTED to what they offer us, it actually releases “feel good” chemicals in our brains.
Please please please keep telling yourself, like aCHANT “He is the Lie” “what he is offering me will kill me” “who will take care of my son?” Stay strong, the longing will go away, but every “fix” you get puts you back to square one!
You did well to post here, sorry I didn’t see it sooner, but keep reading and keep posting. (((hugs)))) You CAN DO IT, if not for yourself, for your son!
Wow findingmyselfagain, I cannot even imagine having to work with mine. You sound so in control, it is really inspiring.
OxDrover, you are so right it is an addiction. That is the best way to explain it.
Jwpjeni, I am in the same place right now with the texting and calling. Be strong, you can do it! You and your baby both deserve so much more then he can ever offer you. Just think of the anxiety he adds to your life. How he occupies your thoughts… I was constantly tormented wondering what he was really doing.
You can do it!
FinallyFree: Yes working in the same building sure isnt the greatest- but little by little, hour by hour I am getting control over my emotions. I already put in my time over the two years of complete mental and physical exhaustion with this man, of course mixed in with wonderful times together.
Somehow he knew just how to keep the “mix’ just good enough to keep me trapped in the web. If he were Bad 100% of the time, surely I’d have left him long ago, but he was the perfect man in many respects and the other portion was enough to affect my health, my self-confidence, my self worth, my energy level, I lost all knowing of who I am and probably some respect gone for myself too, since I knew I was living a compromising life as long as I stayed with him.
By the time I broke up with him for the last round of deception, lying, flirting with women, hot and cold mood swings, etc… I think I was just plain too tired to miss him much anymore. Now of course there are days I feel very sad and lonely and lost without him constantly in my life or thoughts.. but you know when I think about it, most the time we were together or he was in my thoughts, it was turmoiled feelings, worry, anxiety and tho we might be having a nice time – I always knew a bomb was being ready to drop any day. Nice could only last so long with him.
jwpjeni: you must keep in mind at all times, you ultimate goal. Your mental and physical health and the kind of person you strive to be – both for youself and as a mother. Each day will hold a struggle – it will try to sway you off course, but you cannot afford to go back to him or even let youself give in an inch. The risk is too high.
Do anything you can to stop yourself from contact. Take your baby for a walk, call a friend, read this site, take a bubble bath, go to the coffee shop and read, (I did lots of that!) — just going somewhere to read a magazine or book – gets you out of the house, around some people to watch, join a fitness center if you can afford to-some have little daycares for the kids…
Just dont let yourself give in – you are the winner in this – so continue to live like a winner! You are free of him- that is the biggest step and you’ve taken it!!
L.
thank you all … new to this site and had a hard time finding this particular blog again… so sorry to take so long to get back. i messed up. i spoke to him. i cant even talk about it right now… i will later though.
jwp
jwpjeni,
Forgive yourself and get “back on the NC wagon”–most of us have done the same thing, I don’t think there is anyone here who will “beat you up” for it, we have most of us “dipped” back at first. It will get easier, I promise you. (((hugs))))
Hi Just signed on to this because I believe I am involved with a sociopath as well. I don’t know how to let go. I go for about a week with no contact then I grave him (talking to him, hearing him). He lives in another state and I found out he has been involved in another relationship during our whole relationship. He of course told me in the beginning that SHE was an ex that wouldn’t leave him alone. In questioning him I asked to read his email. Well while doing so I saw other women he claimed he loved and so on. Its funny as I would read one message….others were being deleted. So as he acted as if he was allowing me to read his email he was at the same time deleting anything and everything as soon as he good. He is suppose to move here, said he put in for a transfer and got it BUT is on a medical leave from that position as he works as his present position until he gets a medical release. ???? Mentions how sick he is but yet he seems to be living life as a normal healthy person. Was suppose to have surgery (thats why he couldn’t take the position at the present time) I am just so confused. I was at one time emailing the other woman for a while hearing how he was telling her the same things he was telling me…then bad mouthing each of us to one another. But of course he always had the right thing to say to make us (the two girls) mad at each other because of course he wasn’t wrong in anything. Does this sound like a sociopath…or just a dog??? How come I am having so much trouble letting go. He makes me feel so loved, so at peace while we are speaking…but as soon as we hang up….I wonder is he with her….someone else….ugh!!! please help….we are now back together (as much as we can be) and he is promising the world and that he will never do wrong again. He feels he almost lost his real love and will never make that mistake again. He gets mad when I bring up what he did…but yet he can speak of me believing her and not him. Says I was wrong to keep in contact with her and to listen to her lies….and he really makes me feel guilty for a minute like I DID DO something wrong…..begging me now to not contact her again. He is probably doing the same with her..but I don’t want to think about that ……… basically this is fresh and I feel so drained, tired, confused and just don’t know what to do to honestly get out and not want or grave him.
oh to add to my previous post. He has giving me an address that he lives at but tells me to mail anything I send him to his p.o. box. The “other” woman said the address I have is of his deceased parents house that is boarded up. That he lives on a totally different street and lives with a female. Of course he denies it all and promises to have me come there to see for myself. SHE says he drives a car that is registered to his “ex wife” and when with him they always go to a hotel not to his house. He again denies that. Says he doesn’t want her at his house……and so forth.
Rblue,
What you have described is a very TYPICAL psychopathic liar. He is almost “text book”—read here, learn here, and you will see that he is nothing but a liar. YOu already suspect that Ii think or you would not be here at all on this blog.
Knowledge is strength and power. They suck you in with their empty promises, but that’ s all they are.
They are liars and “the truth is not in them”–only pain and hurt. I think you are already experiencing that.
Yes I am experiencing that. The pain is so deep but yet I go back. I believe him when he says that its different with us. That he wants to make a family with my son and I. (not his son). My family and friends all think I am crazy. I feel so stupid like what the heck is wrong with me to stay or try and think ok maybe it will be different with us. Even now he was suppose to call like an hr ago. I am trying not to call….I wonder where or what he is doing…he normally says he fell asleep….BUT don’t let me not answer MY phone then all heck breaks lose. But even now when we do speak we are arguing about what happened. I cut him off he says so i have a communication problem. He doesnt answer the questions I ask, so i cut him off and repeat them. He doesnt like that I suppose.