Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
alot of people are mentioning money being taken from them. But I must say he uses money I think to lure me in. He knows I am struggling and offers to send me money and does to help me out….but then uses it against me by saying that all I do for you atleast you can give me a conversation. My friends say its his way of power over me….is that true….
rblue: Mine did the same thing. He paid for EVERYTHING. he showered me with basically providing every meal out, every event, if he saw I needed something for the house, or to do yard work with, etc etc…. but nice as that may sound, it was his way of making things look too good to walk away from. What woman would leave that ? Being spoiled.. he bought spa gift certificates for me out of the blue, would bring over various items he thought I would enjoy (Ipod etc) …
I tried to give back, I tried to pay at times but he would never allow it.
Basically by the end, it felt like I was being paid as a hooker or something. He was cheating big-time and lying all along.. leading me to believe he was the happiest ever in his life with me and that he and I would last till the end of time. I started stumbling one by one, onto his lies, women, deceptions…and so all the “giving” became meaningless and made me feel cheap.
They will use whatever manner or weapon they can to get you, keep you and then hurt you, and then reel you back in.
Why do you think he let you access to email? The chances that you saw other women there was very high and they like the drama. He likes that you want him, dispite all you know!
Start to get ahold of yourself and know that you deserve so much better. You might be alone for a bit, but you will be healing! If you are like most of us, your self esteem is down, you are worried all the time, you feel exhausted of the games but you cant let go. You have to take the jump, dont doubt yourself and get out of a high risk relationship. He has shown you his potential already and is this how you love a woman? No. No contact is the only way. If you keep feeding yourself little bits of him, you cant let go and he knows it. Keep reading this site 🙂 it will make you stronger and more knowledgeable in all their ways!
hugs
Rblue, he is using the things that he thinks will keep control of you, that is all it is about CONTROL.Some of them steal, some of the con money out of others, but some that have money use it to buy control, to use it as a carrot with struggling women. Your friends are RIGHT.
This man is only saying LIES. Saying what you want to hear. What you want to believe. It is all a cruel fantasy for his pleasure in CONTROL.
My biggest suggestion is that you read READ READ and learn. They are so much alike and the thing, the ONE thing is that they have no conscience, they enjoy CONTROL, and if you read enough here you will see that there are many many women and men here who have been strung along with almost the same words that your Psychopath says….all are intelligent and good people who have FALLEN FOR THE LIE. You are not stupid, you are just SUCKED INTO THE FOG.
This is a healing place, there are people here who will support you while you learn about psychopaths and while you heal from the pain that you are in.
Thank you soooo much for the support….it really helps reading feedback to what I am going through….I was wondering how do I get out now?? Now after I let myself back in….He claims he has been soooo happy now that we are talking again and ‘PRAYS” I don’t take that away. I feel guilty wanting to just leave now after reading the support from here and all the info. I know he is this type of person so why am I so afraid of hurting his feelings by breaking a promise that I will try this relationship again. I mean the responses I received from my writings are so true. When he is here he treats me like a queen. Cooks, we go out and he took care of some car stuff that needed to be done…paid for everything..! But even now he is trying to make me feel guilty because I shared personal info about him and I with the girl he was also in a relationship with…..said that I was wrong to do that and now he is afraid of sharing personal info with me. He said she said some awful things about me…but its funny that alot of it was things he would say to me on my voice mail when he was mad at me for something. So I know he was just using that to play her and I away from each other so he can do his thing with the both of us. I think though he liked the drama of the two of us fighting over him. I just want to get out now for good. Do I tell him that its over or do i just stop taking calls and such. Just this morning I get the I happier then I have been in such a long time….since I lost you…I love you and your son sooo much. I just want us to be a family….and so on…Come to think of it he did throw the I love you out there quickly…before we even met in person….and said that about my son after talking to him just a few times. But i guess that is just how they are….he showers me with compliments and nice things about anything and everything…..and u just want to believe it…ugh…please again what do I do….just stop contact or tell him i’m done????? thanks again for your help…I feel like I truly have someone to talk to now that understands what I am going through…..other people I know are just like “leave him alone” if they only knew how ‘ITS NOT THAT EASY”
rblue…
I understand completely what your going through. I think they do get a thrill out of having 2 women “fight over them”. The women on here are so strong and have been helping me.. I’m listening to their information/advice and it is helping me to “see the lite”. I’m new here so I’m not able to give you “advice”, however I can tell you that I spoke with my s/p/n after promising I wouldn’t, even after he said some very horrible things to me. Now of course he’s promising me the world again. Theres a company business trip to Hawaii in may that I want to go on (i used to work for the same company until I gave up my life for him and moved to be with him) I figured hed be taking the new GF (who thinks Im crazy by the way) Yesterday when i took his call he said he had my e-ticket for the trip. What torture. I was reading the article about cat and mouse here on this site somewhere… it is so true… they play with you. Dangle you out of their mouth, let you go, capture you again. you are panicked.. dont know if your going to live or die… maybe youll escape… I think this is a game to them. they are very sick and cannot be cured. This is who they are. They are vampires who feed on our energy, weather it be negative or positive. I actually get sick to my stomach every morning at about this time. hes always called me at about 8:30 am since we’ve been seperated. When i spoke with him yesterday i told him i dont want to play this game anymore. im moving on with my life. if he wants to be a part of his babys life, and the GF is going to be a part of his life, the 3 of us need to talk. i dont need her cursing me out if i need to speak with you and she answers the phone. i also said if he doenst want to be a part of his sons life, thats fine with me too. just please leave us alone then. Of course he goes into this whole thing of how hes not going to stay with her, so why bring all this stuff up about our son to her. He’s going to break it off with her next week… bla bla bla.. ive heard it all befor. He cannot change the ticket to her name for hawaii, so if he is still with her he wont be going (good! ill take my ticket and go myself.. and have a great time) Of course I wish my fairytale life would come back. But thats what it was… a fairytale. A LIE. The cars, the big boat, the house, the trips, but theres alot more to the story for another time.
All I can say to you rblue is that as soon as i spoke with him i got lured back in… he is consuming my thoughts. im wondering if he was with her last nite, wondering if he’ll phone today. I think no contact is the best way to go. Why do you owe him anything after he has tortured you mentally and emotionally (maybe even your son on some level too) With everything in the news I’ve been thinking of it this way… does a prostitute call and thank her “john” the next day for the money/gift and tell him she doesnt want to see him anymore? of course not. and in someways that’s what i feel i have been to him. This is not easy, what we are all going through. Stay focused on what you want for your life with your son… thats what im trying to do.
jwp
jwpjeri,
As an “old hand” in dealing with Ps—not that I have dealt with them that well for long, just been a victim a long time LOL your advice to Rblue is RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
And as bad as I hate to admit it, the prostitute analogy is in my case right on as well—I wanted the “reward” (payment) in love (not cash) so badly that I let the Ps make me prostitute everything I held dear, especially my own soul.
They say there is “no fanatic like a convert” whether it is “I stopped smoking” so every time I see someone who puffs away I go buttonhole them and tell them “you are killing yourself” or alcohol, or whatever the “bad habit” you have given up—an I realize that most of us here can relate to that, we have been “converted” to the realization that we were killing ourselves BY PROXY.
I do think, though, that helping others “see the light” is also a way to heal ourselves. I think you learn more by “teaching” a subject than you do by “studying” it.
jwpjeni,you have been a “fast study” and a “good pupil” already and it is gratifying to me to see that you have reached out to someone in your situation that only a few days ago you could have written her post.
I know that the road to healing will not magically be smooth for either of you, but the fact that you are both traveling that road, and that you have reached out to each other is proof to me that you both will succeed in your healing quest.
There will be dips and curves, and stones on the road, and sometimes you will want to turn and go back, but you must stop up your ears to their pleas and begging, threats, and curses, and not listen to their lies. Like the beacon from a false light house intended to lure ships to crash on the rocks, everything they say or do is intended to wreck your life so that they can plunder your emotional wreckage for their own blood meals.
Jeni, I do suggest though, that no “talking with him” about your child will do anything but cast that child upon the rocks. I think every mother here who has a child by a P will back me up on this, keep the child away from him FOREVER. Do not let that child be cursed with a relationship with him. If he will do this to YOU an adult, can you only imagine what he will do to his own child? He will use the child just like he has used you, and the child will have no way to defend himself from the onslaught.
God bless you both on your healing journeys, I promise you as you get farther away from them physically and in time, you will heal, you will stop hurting, but it isn’t magic, it will take “work” the work of putting one foot in front of another, even when you don’t want to go on, to travel the”road” to healing. Just keep holding hands with each other and with the many wonderful people on this blog, they can shine a light ahead for you (Ps are almost predictable) and pick you up when you fall. (and you will fall from time to time)
PS> Trying to make YOU feel guilty for the “bad things” you have done is STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE (SOP)
They do two bad things, but they don’t “want to talk ab out it” and they find some nit-picky thing that they convince you that you have done wrong and they want to focus on YOUR “betrayal” of them…gets the heat off them and ON TO YOU, and because YOU have a conscience you listen. DON’T LISTEN–and most of all if it comes out of their mouth, it is a LIE.
God bless.
jwpjeni: Very well said and I agree with OxDrover, you are growing and seeing so much every day. It is very therapeutic to write and help others and you have taken another step in healing yourself.
rblue: I know how hard it its to not contact them! I went back to mine 4 times after such horrible things happened, I cant even believe I made allowances for it. I always seemed to break it off with him amidst turmoil and tragedy. He would always blame me for “acting on emotion” and if I would just wait and let things be explained and calm down, things would be fine. He never believed I actually meant it!! And of course it appeared that way cuz I ran right back!
SO – the last time I broke it off, I actually did it at a time of peace. We were getting along basically fine, other than the prior weekend there was a huge issue with another woman that I had decided to just let it go and not raise up a mess again. So I told him I felt we did not have a successful future together (Truth!) and I told him tho I cared about him, I was making a decision to not be in the relationship any longer. Thanked him for all he did for me and left it at that. He took me home and dropped me off, and I think the fact that it wasnt a big drag out fight, left him a little speechless. Not totally but a little.
So of course he tried all his little ways to nab me back, little calls, emails, a little arguing his point… etc. I finally wrote to leave me the F alone. Never had sworn at him before, but that was the final thing it took. A couple weeks later, he has a brand new woman. The End.
It was 2 years of ups and downs, tears, happiness, hurts, fabulous times.. but rblue – he will not wait to hurt you again. When the time is right, he will do it! Dont wait for him to hurt you or you will have yet another mountain to get over emotionally.
There will be other loves in your life, he is not the last man that will “love” you. He doesnt love you like you deserve and you might be causing yourself to miss out on who you are meant to meet! Clear your life of the pain and put all your energy to Healing. It is very hard, but you can do it. We were and are all in this very same boat. Embrace everyone here and read and write in all your weak moments.
L.
Hello….he is wanting me to come to his house in his state to prove that he does live by himself and that there aren’t any other women around. He is asking me why I love him and acts so hurt because I just said I don’t know. I really don’t know. Its just something inside me….I guess its the person that he portrays to be is what I love and since I know its lies I can’t pin point a reason and tell him.
I asked him why he loves me and he says….because your a good woman……
Okay….could I be wrong about him being a sociopath or from what I have told you does he sound like the perfect fit. I mean that is their trick right, to make everything perfect and seem right….!! Could it be that I just have trouble trusting men because of past experience with my sons father or am I still in a denial phase wanting it to be different???? I am sorry if I seem slow to pick up on this and your probably like dang is this girl stupid or what….she doesn’t get it…..please be patient and don’t give up on me…..not yet…!!!!!
EVERY WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS A LIE.
You have already described a TYPICAL sociopath–TEXT BOOK TYPICAL.
He is stringing you along, holding out a ‘CARROT” to you like putting it in front of a donkey to make you do what he wants.
You already know he has lied to you in the past. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. He is a LIAR.
There is no way for us to “save” you from him, you must do that yourself. No one could save us, we had to save ourselves.
YOU have to decide to save ourself. We can support your decision, we can give our opinons, but in the end it is YOUR LIFE, your DECISION and YOU must be the one to ACT.
I can tell you “that is a poison snake” but if you keep saying, well, yes, but it might be hurt, it might need help, let me just take it home and check to see it is okay—it is still up to YOU to take the warning or not. YOu are an adult and YOU are responsible for the decisions you make. I know how difficult it is to “accept” the truth that what you WANT to believe is all a “fantasy” that is being held out to you as a lure to suck you into being a victim of a psychopath. But YOU are the ultimate decider of your choices.
NNone of us here will “give uup on you” and you are not obligated to “please” us—it isn’t about US, but about you, and you have to make your own decisions because YOU are the one that lives with the consequences.
We’ve all been donw this road, and all picked up the “poison snake” and been bitten, in some cases (like mine) by serveral snakes several times, before I learned what I needed to know to take control of MYSELF.
A psychopath can’t hurt you (emotionally) if you won’t let them, but they WILL hurt you if you do let them.
You are stronger than you know, and the only power he has over you is what you give him. Think about it! (((hugs))))
rblue (and anyone else interested),
I’ve read a lot of these posts by now, and some of the men I hear women describe really do seem to be sociopaths; but some of them also just seem to be immature jerks who do have a vestige of conscience. Let’s not throw the babies out with the bathwater here. For those of you involved with a sociopath, as I firmly believe I am, you know it. Something is “off” from the start. You sense it, but you can’t pinpoint it. I found out soon in that my ex was very unethical — he stole from customers. And moreover, he had no qualms about being unethical. There was always an excuse as to why good people had to be parted with their money. That was my first BIG clue — no conscience. You know it when you see it. It’s in the attitude, the eyes, the expression.
I think many of us think, “Oh, I’m different. I’ll be the exception to the rule.” No. My ex bilked his mother and grandparents out of thousands of dollars to pay for his living expenses. He could afford them … he just blew through his salary doing extravagant things, like taking trips and checking into four-star hotels for the weekend. He had no clue what he’d done “wrong.” And of course, he never repaid them — or me, once he started “borrowing” from me. Sociopaths are pretty obvious, to my mind. But once you’re hooked by their charming side — and boy, do they ever turn on the charm, they have to, it’s the only thing that saves them from being lynchmobbed! — it’s very hard to walk away.
Prayers and condolences on this Good Friday for everyone who’s been taken advantage of by these monsters …