Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
You know what is sooo crazy…..i believe my sons father was a sociopath as well. He now has 10 kids and deals with none of them. Although he raised a boy with his on and off gf that is the same age as my son since diapers. You can do for others but not for your own???? He stoled/manipulated money out of his mother to her dying crave….his father was the same way with women and children everywhere….
But he had me for a while too……man I was stuck on him….now he did get some money out of me…and to this day never paid it back…thank God it wasn’t a lot. But even with the child support he owes over 20grand but refuses to file his taxes so us mothers don’t see the money from it.
I found out that he was married and although he lived in a separate place from her he was working on the marriage.
When I gave birth to my son….he didn’t come up to the hospital…one day I was actually with his wife (she was at my house..we became friends because of our children..but after she had left him) he came to my house because he knew she was there. He stopped by for like 1 min and then left and waited at the near by store for her to pass by. unfortanately my son took a fall that need urgent care so while she went one way I went the other to go to the er and stopped to tell my sons father that I was taking our son to the er and that the ex wife went the other way…..where do u think he went…yep to the ex wifes house….i went off to the hospital and to my surprise…the ex wife ended up at the hospital with me for support and told him (the father to leave her house) He was crazy…he had 2 cell phones one for all his calls and one that his live in girlfriend new about. (this was later in time) and the one that anyone could call on was provided by one of his females….she was paying for it. He used to be a sheriffs ofcr and loved that title….boy could he use the uniform. He was fired for steeling Dvd’s at walmart…..but now he works at a hospital and wears scrubs around like he is some doctor but he is only a tech…..
I guess this is the type of guys that I attract….that was 12 yrs ago and since then I have not really been in a real relationship…I loved that man so much….and now here I am 12yrs later in love again for the 2nd time but with the same type of man……ugh!!!!!!!
I really am thankful for this site and will continue to reach out for support from my new friends here. Its almost uplifting to hear the things u say. I was thinking that maybe I was wrong….that maybe he is just a liar….but it does run deeper….as I said before he was throwing out the I LOVE U’s like a month after first talking and we hadn’t met yet. When my mother first met him she and my step grandmother and father thought that he was a lil controlling. Said he was a nice man….maybe for everyday life but not to date. It was hot and I wanted my hair up…. he wanted it down….he HAD TO DRIVE because he claimed he didn’t like my driving…..
Him and my son got into it as well….(my son seems to be smarter then I and can see he is not good for me…..that is sad he is 12) but anyways….one day my son was not listening to me and asking and asking over and over again if he could do something. well he was getting mad and said well if HE wasn’t here you’d let me go……so my boyfriend got mad that my son talked to me that way and went into his room and laid it out on him. (yelled) My son told him to get out his room…..my boyfriend went off and said you have no room here…..you can’t afford to pay for anything…this is all your mothers…..and you need to treat her better or you can just go live with your sorry a&& father….OH MY GOSH……I had to separate the two…..luckily the boyfriend was leaving for the airport to go home…..He had no right to talk to him like that. my son knows what kind of father he has……but don’t talk about him like that to him…you know….regardless of the fact that my son sees his father maybe once every 4yrs and that is by accident….he still knows that is his father and won’t let anyone talk bad about him like that to him……anyways…I think that was my boyfriend trying to show control….that was his second visit here and way to soon for him to even try and portray like a father figure anyways I believe….yelling at him like that….
anyways…..he has apologized since then and has been here since then and they got along fine…but once my son over heard me saying on the phone that he cheated on me again with the same girl….my son is done with him…… now its just time for me to be…..
rblue:
Neverneverland has a point, there are jerks in the world but they may or may not be Sociopaths. Regardless of his label, if you just make a list of your very own descriptions of the man, you can see that with a label or without – he is not a good catch.
You may have good moments or days with him, but over time, the ugly will eat at the goodness until pretty soon it will be harder to feel good at all about it. God forbid you should end up moving to be near him or moving in with him when you find that out.
There are parts of many men that we can find attractive, fun, loving, caring – but we cant date part of the man. You get the whole package. That means you have to find a man that you can be proud of (your friends and family dont think you’re nuts), someone who if they were just a friend – you would admire their character as a human being! Remove all your lovey emotions towards him, and any memories you may have gathered.. and just look at him as a human being.
I quote you:
he doesnt take care of his children
he cheats on you
he lies to you
he makes empty promises to you
he emails other woman and deletes it from your view
he wants pity for sickness’ you cant even believe
his address doesnt make sense
you are having to contact another woman to get true info.
he doesnt want you talking to her (you might find out things!)
you are drained, tired and confused
he doesnt answer questions you ask
you have to answer your phone, he does not
he buys you with money
he has already turned off your son on the second “visit”
your son knows you are dating a cheater
your family says he’s controlling
he knows when to turn on the charm __________________
Basically rblue – you are not crazy but he’s driving you crazy — all for a few good times here and there. You deserve more than that for yourself and your son. And Sociopath or no Sociopath – there is no excuse for his actions.
Eventually your health will deteriorate – that is next to come. Stress makes your body emit chemicals/hormones etc.. that break your body down.
Keep reading on one day you will wake up and know that this is the day I desire peace, contentment, happiness, and peace of mind!
I’m not having a good nite….I just keep crying and I feel like I lost something in realizing even more what a fool I have been to believe WE could be different. I should of never gone back and heard the lies of how he wants to get married and be together when knowing deep down in my heart things just arent right. I know this so called transfer to move here from his state cant be true….what job is going to hold a position for you as u work another position in another state because your on ‘medical leave’ for a surgery you were suppose to have in Feb…..now he cant have the surgery because his liver isnt right.
I cry cause I miss what he was….what I thought he was…him here us being like a family…..the constant talks and the showering of charm with the I love yous and such…..I cry because I know I have to let go but yet don’t know how just yet. I gave him my number again….after changing it like 3 times in the past 4months…..I cant change it again…to embarrassed….work, friends, family and childs school….they will think I am just nuts…..!!! I am nuts….I am nuts because I am sitting here crying wanting to reach out for something that really isn’t there. He knew my weaknesses and used them to the fullest. Now I am here weak and alone. But I see after reading alot on this site, this will pass……I just wish it would pass now. I mean I am in this right now..!!!! He has no idea that I really just don’t want to speak to him anymore because I know he is full of crap. atleast that is what my mind says….my heart says a whole different thing….yes my heart and mind are in a major war right now…!!! He thinks I am just still upset about the cheating that he says was in the past and I need to let it go…..(it was in jan) 12hrs after flying home from his visit here begging and promising me back and telling me it will never happen again….foolish me took him back then……and then just recently TOOK HIM BACK AGAIN……..after doing that to me. Now I want out and want out for good (mind talking)…..but he keeps telling me how things are soooo good now, he hasn’t been this happy in along time….how he has finally had good nite sleeps since we started talking again and all the blah blah blah and makes remarks that I promised I wouldn’t leave him again….(i don’t remember that one but??)
Its sad….i think i am crying to because of the fact that I am crying….if that makes sense….I cry because I feel like i have put my life on a literal hold and now I dont know what to do…..
I love this site and will continue to read so that I can build some kind, any kind of strength…..thanks
rblue: we all have cried, its okay to cry. Just let out all the emotion and let your mind relax a little. Everything does not have to be decided in this one very instant. You know the facts about him, you know that likely alot of what he says is not true and you kind of know what you might need to do… Just let it rest a little, let the stories on this site fill your thoughts and just read of others experiences and growth.
It isnt ever very easy to face endings of things, but you can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that when that day comes, you will be doing something better for yourself. Right now, it seems so hard to be without thoughts of him, because frankly they dominate our every thought —negative and positive!
It does leave a hole there for awhile, that you will begin to fill with nicer things. You are at the stage with an S, that we fall in love with the potential, the wish, the dream… but as you are discovering ~ they are not capable of fullfilling that wish. It hurts to let go of a dream. Its ok to hurt and let yourself be sad but you also have to begin to discover in yourself some ways of healing, coping, and you can in the end of all this become a wiser and stronger woman. Every experience we have, we have that opportunity to grow from it.
You have had enough experience with him, that you probably do know that it wont change much. He is very convincing – boy how we all know — many many of us go back to them over and over.
You are not a fool – everyone here is very intelligent, well spoken, well read, and as you can tell from reading…seem to be amazing women – yet we all have been tricked by someone who is expert at tricking. That doesnt make us fools. We are women who love, give, care, nurture, believe and hope. That is something to be proud of. They are just bad men who take advantage of that.
Just dont let yourself be guided by his words. Listen to your own “heart and mind”—-they are smarter than you give them credit for 🙂 Sometimes they are in a little disagreement from each other, but they both are there to take care of you. One day at a time, rblue.
rblue,
I feel so sad for you. I was just talking with a friend today about when people first find this site, they sound hysterical. With all my straight talk and poking fun at Sociopaths these days and even laughing at myself.. there was a time that I was absolutely hystrical.
No man or woman that is truly loving will put you in such a state. You are going in circles. It is painful to read your posts but don’t worry about that at all. It is nothing compared to the HELL we have already been through. The pain we feel is empathy.. something we talk about alot here. Empathy is a normal human response to seeing another in pain. We have been there and we know how hard it can be to snap out of it. I missed the Bad Man sometimes long long after he was gone. It was reading here and all my other research that helped me to grasp COMPLETELY what a sociopath is and that yes, the Bad Man was that for sure.
As you tell us each chapter of what is happening to you with this man, we are ticking the boxes off on our lists of behaviors. We know them inside and out. He will not be different with you. It seems like he loves you the super duper most-est… he doesn’t. He just has a gift for saying the exact thing that will cause you to waiver. The more commited you are to end it the more clever he will be. The essay called “NO CONTACT” explains how each contact is an opportunity to make your “bleed” a little more. If crying is bleeding.. how much blood have you lost over this man?
You have a VERY informed audience here and there is not a chance in Hell that this man you describe is not one of them. HE is. I am willing to bet everything I have on that.
As I write this, my mind is flashing through so many memories of myself, coming absolutely unglued over this stupid, freaking psycho. What a waste of my love and kindness and time and beautiful life. What a waste! Our lives are infinately better now that we have poured cement into the hole. We have sealed off the vault and yes, we have changed our phone numbers… and I will admit that after I did that.. I did contact him later with my new number. I doubt he saved it but anyway, the point is… he’s a socipath and you are acting like a victim of a sociopath. It’s all normal… and not. Do you know what I mean?
You have to congratulate yourself on finding this site. You are searching for answers. Do us a favor… don’t bother telling him he’s a Sociopath. Most likely, he will call you one if you put that word on his radar. And we don’t want to talk to him so please… keep this as your santuary.
My life is calm now. I have problems, lots of them. Much of it is the aftermath of my time in Maui with the Bad Man. But, I have the energy and the focus now to roll forward. There was a time that I was out of my mind, running from window to window, locking them… looking over my shoulder, feeling like I would barf or faint if I saw his car. I mean, I was a lunatic. I have never been in such a state.
The people here are qualified to tell you how to get out of this and there is not a chance that your story is different than ours and that after all you have been through with this butt face, you are going to end up living happily ever after.
I sincerely hope to see you here for a long time.. and that you will blossom and become the woman you are meant to be. We don’t know you and we have love for you. And we don’t want anything from you… we don’t want to make you cry or see you twisted up in pain and confusion. We want to see you breakthrough to the other side of this pain you are in. There is another side.
Lastly, just to review:
I left him and went back… lots of times.
I moved away and changed all my contacts.. and gave him some of them later.
I missed him even though he made me miserable.
I doubted myself and my diagnosis that he was a Sociopath but I know I am right.
I thought I would never heal but I am making tremendous progress.
Yes… I understand “I am crying because I am crying over him.”
I didn’t listen to my friends but they were right.
I doubted myself and fell for feeling “wrong” and “bad” for questioning.. how dare I?! but I never should have let him talk me out of what I knew.
You know he is a Sociopath already. You have all the evidence. Reading this site will help you to understand and interpret what you are looking at. We’ll help you and we are just strangers on the Internet.
He’s Bad News.
You know it.
We know it.
He knows it.
I could go on and on but your story is exactly like ours… so please, listen to us.
And welcome.. I am glad you found this place… you really need it. We’ll save a seat for you.
:o)
I wish all the very best… Aloha.
Elise
rblue,
((Hugs))
If it’s any consolation, I cried last night, too. I got his old baseball cap, clutched it to my heart and cried and cried until about two in the morning, when I finally got tired and went to sleep. I don’t know what it is about this relationship that is more difficult than the others, but I can tell you this, I have been divorced after a 10-year marriage, and the pain I felt back then was a tiny pinch compared to the overwhelming slugs I feel like I’m taking in the jaw for my current ex.
I think in most relationships, both people know what’s wrong, and both people try to work on the relationship, and when things head south for good, it’s painful, but you know that you tried. There’s no trying on the part of these men, they just USE and USE and USE you up until you have nothing that they want. It’s a one-sided thing, and it’s not easy to reconcile or get over.
I do believe that bad karma or whatever you choose to call it WILL catch up with these people one day. Simple law of averages.
rblue,
I have been out of touch for a few days but I just read through your posts and they are hitting home all over again. I am in the aftermath of what you are trying to work towards right now.
For me, I knew he was bad. I knew I needed to get out. But it took me almost a year, to be honest. I started doing less than I used to for him, not picking up my phone every time he called, and started putting myself first in little situations. For me it was baby steps until I started researching. Finding out that he was a S really put things in perspective about how beyond me it was. It gave me that extra strength to end it and cut off contact.
They all use the same language too… it is amazing to look through this site and see a woman quoting a line that you got in a text last night. I am out what is almost two months now and the e-mails and texts are almost funny when you look at them as manipulation points. I can’t block his number just yet because I think it helps give me a heads up if he is at my apartment.
You don’t have to be guilty about hurting him, he won’t even feel it. He will just pretend he does. Something huge for me to realize was that he was picking him and I was picking him, so who was picking me? Who is looking out for you? Obviously everyone here is, but you need to get on your own team. Your friends and family and son are waiting for you on your side.
I have found that the word sociopath is too strong for a lot of people who don’t understand the situation. Most people think it is a little extreme, but as we all know, they exist and we have dated them. Everyone on this site has fallen victim to one or more of them. It is not an exaggeration.
I used to cry so hard I would dry-heave. I would feel angry at myself, feel stupid. I would wonder how did I get back here again? I was just out of this! You deserve so much more. Once you break free there is an immediate weight lifted, its like coming up for air. Of course you are sad, anytime that the future you had seen for yourself falls apart it is upsetting and unsettling. But that just means there is a new future waiting for you. And a future without him can be nothing but better. Be strong, you can do this!
R.
Rblue,
Aloha and the other posters above his have totally summed up the situation–not only for you, but for us.
We have all been in the FOG, we have all been in the PAIN, we have all wanted to believe the FOG and the HOLLOW-GRAM, and we KNOW from EXPERIENCE that there is only ONE WAY out of the pain–AWAY FROM THE Ps–TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY AWAY.
Leaving will be painful, but it is like (I am a retired nurse practitioner so forgive my graphic description) it is like having a BIG NASTY GREEN ABSCESS ON YOUR BUTT. It hurts, but until you LANCE IT and drain that PUSS out of your soul, it CANNOT heal, it will only get worse. Putting creams on it may deaden the pain (going back to him for a while) for a little while but as long as the PUSS is there it will continue to fester and get worse, and if you do nothing about it, you will end up with a systemic infection that will take your “life” either literally or figuratively.
I have no idea how many women have been beaten to death physically, or have lost their sanity completely, how many women have been beaten into living that way the rest of their lives, but ignoring the problem (denial) or anything EXCEPT NO CONTACT will not be easier either in the short or long haul.
Lancing the “abscess” of the P, getting the “puss” out will be painful, but you cannot heal without it.
Yes, I am sitting here crying because I am alone. I have cried and cried. I did a dumb thing and called him this week. I guess I have not given up on the fantasy. But he did not say he wants to come back. I think mine is an N. He is not very smart, and from what I have read here the S sounds smart enough to figure people out. Mine does not seem to be able to do that at all! He just thinks about himself, just takes care of himself. But I was happy to go along for years and years because I had somebody here with me (sort of) and I felt better about myself because somebody wanted to “be with me”
I need relief from this emotional/physical pain. I do not seem to have gotten any better over the last 2 months. Not at all.
Dear Shabbychic,
My dear, I wish I could reach out and ((((hug)))) you, I would not hesitate to say that 99.999999% of us on this list have felt the same way. Have cried buckets of tears.
After my husband died, I “hooked up with” a P—who had recently been chunked out of his home by his X-wife who had discovered his philangering and actually CAUGHT him in the act, and he was looking for another “respectable” wife and I was a very lonely widow who felt that “no one would ever want me again” and I sooooo missed the closeness Ihad had with my late husband who was my best friend.
I fell for the hook, line and sinker this STINKER offered me, and he filled my every fantasy—then it began to unravel.
After I kicked him to the curb, I felt SO alone, I think more alone than Ihad been when my husband died, and old, and fat, and unwanted etc etc. But you know, I eventually came to see that ONE IS A WHOLE NUMBER, that I am only “alone” if I choose to feel that way—because even if there is no one else “around” I am not any more “alone” than I was with the TOXIC P THERE…in fact, there isn’t anyone to tell me how worthless I am—-I also found that my self esteem is pretty much back where it should be. I am reconciled to the fact that at my age (61) I may not ever again find a “soul mate” because at my age there aren’t that many good men “loose” out there for the finding—but I am OK with that, because I sure as HECK DON’T WANT ANOTHER P. !!!!!!!!
For a while, I literally wandered my house, went from room to room in the evenings and late into the night, like a lion pacing in a cage—not even knowing what I was looking for. Couldn’t concentrate on a movie or a book, just walked and paced and cried and felt bad—PITY PARTY.
But there are I think better ways to “handle” it than I did. Call a friend, go somewhere, take a walk, buy a dog, take a class, volunteer somewhere, do anything except sit home and feel sorry for yourself every evening. Set a time limit–10 minutes an hour that you can feel sorry for yourself, and keep yourself to that schedule…don’t let it rule your life I guess is what I am saying.
Make a list of every nasty thing he ever said to you, and read it over when you “miss him”—make a list of all the good things about yourself that he missed out on. Set some goals, doesn’t matter what they are, just something, and work toward that. Believe me it WILL get better!
I didn’t do things as well as I should have after I kicked him out, I spent too much time in the Pity-party, but you know, even doing things the “hard way” I still came out of it, and so will you! (((hugs)))))