Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
OxDrover & Free…
Thank you for your encouragement and the hugs!… those are great. It is wonderful to hear your stories of healing… of getting your self esteem back (something I never had very much of). Yes, everything keeps swirling around in my mind and I wish it would stop. I feel like pulling out my hair! Thanks again.
Dear Chic,
I guess too, the thing you MUST keep in mind is that EVERY word out of his mouth is a lie—if he says bad things, they are LIES, if he says GOOD things, they are lies that are meant to suck you into his web.
Thinnk about those fish they show in National Geo, where the fish lies there with this thing sticking out of it’s mouth that looks like a worm, and when another fish comes near the one lying in wait, it reaches for the “worm” and POW, the big fish has it for dinner!
The Ps find out what we desire most in the world and they hold this “PICTURE” of it out in front of us as BAIT, just like that tricky fish does—when we reach for the BAIT, s/he jerks it out of our hand and pounces on us—
They are like vampires, feeding on our emotional Blood, since they don’t have any true feelings of their own except cold rage, they have to have WARM HUMAN BLOOD (emotions) to feed on to make them feel like they are alive—and the more we struggle and fight, the more they enjoy the chase. The more we cry and beg, the more “fun” they get out of sucking us DRY.
They are like the Zombies, they have no souls, and they are angry at the rest of us because we do….
Think of every predator you ever heard about, and that is them! They are EVIL and no matter what they appear to do that is “good” or “kind” it is a FAKE.
You deserve better than that. READ every word in every essay that is written here—go back through all the archives and read and re-read until you are thoroughly educated about what they are. There is a big pattern—doesn’t matter if they are rich or poor, old or young, violent or non-violent, however they work, they are ALL ALIKE, they enjoy making other people suffer emotionally, physically and mentally, and some will even take your life or your money or both. There is no end to their plots and plans, and none of them, N-O-N-E OF THEM can be “fixed” because they don’t want to be any other way.
ox drover and free; and anyone else on here, it is true they find out what your desires are and they use that to get close to you. mine outright asked me in the begining when we were first getting to know each other, and i told him what i wanted the most in life. he used this big time the whole relationship. and the funny thing is he could never give me those things for real what i really wanted in life hes not capable cause hes a s path and n. but back then i didnt know that. he used me up till i had nothing he wanted anymore then he left me. and even then he tried to keep hurting me. anyway on another note i want to ask your opinions i have met someone and i feel good about it hes a nice guy and we are just friends right now but i like him. how can i make sure hes not a s path or n. i have been with two now before and dont want to make that mistake again. the first one i married when i was young he was a spath alcoholic then much later the more recent s path n relationship. so ive heard people saying test them but how do you do this without ruining something that could be really good for me. i know about red flags from reading a lot here and else where, but what else can i do to make sure i dont get hurt or used again. look forward to your replies. thank you .
free; welli can relate to that one about guys complaining about child support that happened to me on a date once and i was like well thats turned me off you. this one i met he was a friend of a friend and lives not far from me. it is very early days though. i understand if your not ready you know what you want, i am ready and want to move on. i feel like this is the next step of getting s path out of my head for ever he is nearly anyway. i will be treading lightly believe me. even just meeting new people who treat me nicely will be refreshing after being totally used by the s path. has yours moved on to someone else? its weird how they move on so easily . anyway dont tell him what your doing or what your thoughts are anymoe its none of his business let them wonder they way they made us i say. thanks
Jules….I know mine asked alllllllll about me and shared little about himself unless it was stories of him being this perfect man…he told me all positive things about himself and his credentials…school…organizations and so forth…..But let me tell you whenever we would fight, he used everything negative against me he could…. He knew I was adopted and told me that I wasn’t sh** and that is why my mother got rid of me….and I owed an ex like $200 and he would say that I only sleep for with men for money and he knew why my ex let me borrow the money (it was an emergency with my son) Just really cruel…but of course would come back and say I was just angry I don’t feel that way about you …..
shabbychic…..stay with this site…I just recently found it too and I have had some really hard times but these ladies here are sooo helpful. I love the fact that I can come here and talk with people that understand without judgment…my friends and family don’t understand in great detail what I go thru, but here they do…and they are all smart and give excellent encouragement and advice because either they are going thru it now or have gone thru it…I love u all ((((((hugs)))))……
Free,
I can relate to you about dating. I have no problems getting “dates,” but I have problems with myself, gauging who is safe and who isn’t. If you’d told me when me and my ex started dating that he’d pull some of the stuff he pulled, I would have never believed you. It’s like one of his exes told me — he makes himself into what he thinks that you need at the time and forms a persona. With me, he was a shy, blushing boy who wasn’t too sure of himself, and I’ll tell ya, it worked like a CHARM. There were, initially, no clues as to who and what he was. By the time I found out about his lack of ethics, I was already well drawn into his life. Then he suddenly dropped the mask and showed me some of his real self.
I remember feeling gobsmacked when I woke up, in his room, to find him and his roommate’s girlfriend playing footsie and talking about having sex together one morning. They were not ten feet away. Of course I immediately left, but he reeled me back in, told me that they were both drunk (they were). I should have left then, but we were already a “couple” at that point. I wanted to give him another chance. Live and learn.
Free,
I haven’t dated a great lot, but have some close male friends that actually expressed an interest in maybe having a relationship. I have known them since college (1) and the other since childhood (2).
We do things together and hang out together and enjoy each other’s company. One has two young children he is raising alone. He was married previously to 3 Ps and is a SWEET man without any guile in him at all, he is just gullible. I actually might be interested in him but I am not interested in raising ANY young children right now. We went to college together and have a long history and I know his history and his wives’ histories (knew them!) so I know he is the victim not the P. But the situation isn’t right.
Guy two that I have known since childhood, know his x-wife very well also. She is a terrible nag and a bitter woman and I really can’t blame him for getting tired of it and leaving. I actually love both of them, but neither worked very hard at the marriage, and her idea of “working” on the marriage was to nag at him to go to church. But I think I’m better off just being friends with him.
Guy number 3 I met at one of our living history events. Good looking, retired, same interests etc. not rich but in the black. Sharp guy and very kind. However, he had been married to one woman who was mentally ill (she is now deceased) and his second wife is a flamming BDP or P, his daughter is essentially NC with both her parents and I noticed that he has no friends, is almost a hermit. I was getting to know him in a “friend” way, no romance, but I think knowing someone in a variety of settings is a good thing, because most people are on their “good behavior” at the start of any relationship and it is only after they get “comfortable” with you that they start to show what is behind the manners. It was only after about six months of fairly close friendship that he started to show some anger issues. STUPID stuff, minor stuff, that would blow his lid off. It was like a sudden explosion (verbal) and then “calm” again, and the second time of that was the END.
The first time I kind of over looked because it was when he accidently ran over my old dog. She was deaf and didn’t hear me yell at her, and when his wheel was over her, I YELLED STOP! He got out of his vehicle and screamed back at me “DON’T YELL at ME!” Ok, I yelled first, and when he saw the dog was run over, he moved his vehicle, but never once said “I”m sorry I ran over your dog” Or even, “I’m sorry your dog is dead” (we had to put her down) he just said to me “YOU should have watched her better”—actually, I think I should have seen a red flag there. (it was NO one’s fault, mine or his, it just was an accident that happened because she was old and deaf)
The next episode was we were just talking and I was telling him about my day and that I had some trouble getting the sentencing report for my DIL because the DA’s office was closed because the DA was out of town. (Small town) and he went into a TIRADE about how stupid I was, I should have gone in there and told the sheriff that there was the Freedom of Information Act and MADE him get me the records that day! DUH! First off he was mistaken about FOIA requirements, you can’t get IMMEDIATE access to the records, and (B) why would I throw a fit and demand something on Friday that I could get on Monday when they were open?
I listened for a little while, sort of in shock, then walked out without saying a word. Last I have heard from him. Last I want to hear from him. BIG RED FLAG. I don’t think he is a P, but he was married to one, and I think he has BIG anger issues left over from that experience. I’m not even sure what I did to “trigger” his tirade, but though I was surprised and disappointed in his behavior, I had NO problem walking away.
If I ever do date again, especially someone I don’t know now, or know is history at least well by second hand, the RULES for me are:
1) Go slow, get to really know them, don’t let them “sweep you off your feet” immediately (that is a big red flag)
2) get to know their friends and family
3) If the past history is too chaotic pass
4) If there is bitterness against X’s pass
5) If there is complete NC from all relatives, pass
6) If there is irratic work history, financial problems, pass
7) ANY LIE, PASS, AND RUN!
8) Any unreasonable anger outbursts, pass
9) Look at their life situation–like my friend who is raising kids, and if there is anything there that you wouldn’t be comfortable with, pass before it becomes a big deal
10) Realize that you deserve to be treated well and any sign of abusive behavior–PASS
11) any sign of ANY UNETHICAL behavior, business practices or anything like that PASS.
As far as “testing” them, I wouldn’t do that, to me that sounds “gamey” and I’ll pass on that. But at the same time I will not be too open at the start of the relationship. Also, I will not be sexually intimate with anyone until I think that the relationship is DEFINITELY one-on-one, and all tests for STDs are done before the intimacy. Any man who will not agree to this is a PASS. If a guy won’t wait, he is a PASS. To me, sex is a bonding ritual between two people who LOVE each other, and if he won’t wait, then he can move on to someone else.
Aloha:
Sometimes I read a post and the wind is knocked out of me: it’s so true, so clear, describes feelings or events or both that I’ve gone through nearly word for word, or it’s so inspiring.
Your post to rblue was ALL of those things. I found tears rolling down my face from memories of the good, and the bad, of that bizarre fantasy world the P created.
rblue, believe Aloha and the others here, including me. Like you, we learned through baptism by fire. If nothing else of value came from it, at the very least we can help you and others who arrive here with their mind twisted by an S who told them up was down and down was up so many times that they no longer can even look at a map without feeling ill.
Stick around. Tell us your stories. It’s healing, for all of us.
(And thanks, Aloha, for the beautiful and scary reminder of those first days after escape…)
OxDrover,
I love your list, and I whole-heartedly agree. I’d like to add to your base list:
1) Go slow, get to really know them, don’t let them “sweep you off your feet”? immediately (that is a big red flag)
2) get to know their friends and family
3) If the past history is too chaotic pass
4) If there is bitterness against X’s pass
5) If there is complete NC from all relatives, pass
6) If there is irratic work history, financial problems, pass
7) ANY LIE, PASS, AND RUN!
Any unreasonable anger outbursts, pass
9) Look at their life situation”“like my friend who is raising kids, and if there is anything there that you wouldn’t be comfortable with, pass before it becomes a big deal
10) Realize that you deserve to be treated well and any sign of abusive behavior”“PASS
11) any sign of ANY UNETHICAL behavior, business practices or anything like that PASS.
Mine:
12) If they ask to “borrow” money early into the relationship, or if they ask to “invest” in some project of theirs, HUGE RED FLAG.
13) They still keep exs on a string (e.g., calling them, keeping in close contact via email), they’re probably making sure they have “fall backs” in case you don’t work out.
14) They take advantage of family members for money, even their mother.
15) If they don’t seem to exhibit normal responses to certain situation, particularly guilt, shame, regret, compassion, empathy, or other “difficult” emotions.
By the way, I just checked my debit account online not too long ago and found out that my ex continued to use my card to download movies to his (my) computer, even after we’d broken up. I can’t believe him, I really can’t. You just don’t do that. It’s imcomprehensible to me.
ah, Neverneverlad,
Keep in mind what you handle is and WHY! I know it is difficult to “believe” that they would be so blatant with their abuse and theft, but what the heck, look at what you are dealing with–the Cheshire cat!
yes, your list in addition to mine is good too, I forgot those things because my P-XBF didn’t do those things, but believe me my P-son did all of them. I imagine there are 1000 other red flags we can add to that too.
The thing that gets me is that IF YOU IGNORE EVEN ONE RED FLAG, THE REST OF THEM START WAVING ONE BY ONE.
That is why now that EVEN ONE red flag would make me run for the hills.
There is actually no line forming at my door for applications for a relationship, but I am very okay with that right now. I don’t have time for a relationship right now if the opportunity for one came up.
By the way, they ARE the incomprehensible. LOL