Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Finallyfree,
I am glad to be supportive, I know how much it means to be validated by someone who has “walked on those coals” and knows how hot they can be. I do hope that you do stay strong and go through this worst of the healing phase and pass on to some peace about it all.
I can recall how crushed I was when I kicked my BF-P to the curb. I cried for days, missing him, hating him, loving him, wanting him, and …well, you know the drill…LOL
I can promise you though, that “this too shall pass”–it will get better and the wounds will scab over–just don’t “pick’em off” and start the bleeding over again..I got that Tee shirt too!
I had wiser heads than mine tell me to STOP! But I didn’t want to hear their warnings, and I am glad they didn’t give up on me and I finally got the message. I know you can do it, because I did it–well, eventually I did it–but life is GOOD now and the healing is far enough advanced that I am not in pain any more–from any of them! I’m not only post menopausal, but POST-P, AND DEFINTELY PMS–Puttin up with men’s stuff! LOL Really just a joke I don’t hate men, just P’s. have a good day!
Hi all. FinallyFree, reading your posts made me think so much of my own situation – the desperation to make it work and the ability to somehow compartmentalize what was happening. I haven’t posted since mid-March, when I left my husband.
Since then, things are both simpler and more complicated. I did move out into my own apartment, and I’m changing jobs (which has to do with him only insofar as I’m trying to move on, regardless what happens..)
The odd thing is, he has asked to remain in my life, ceding to ALL my demands – therapy, more help around the house, more transparency (he had an emotional affair which triggered a breakdown in me and forced out all these past issues and led me to believe he has some very narcissistic traits, if not a full-fledged disorder.)
He has done a complete 180, and I confess it is freaking me out. It has been about 3 weeks – we see each other on the weekends, and he visits here at my place once a week, as we try to work things out. He says that it’s true, he realizes he has been verbally abusive, that he has neglected my needs and treated me unfairly. My problem is, is it REAL? Can someone who truly recognizes these things be just pulling the wool over my eyes? He is doing ALL the right things, supporting my career and all my independent decisions right now, with no signs of envy, jealousy, or insecurity. He’s being the way I’ve always wanted him to be. Is this real? Or is there another shoe that’s going to drop? Could i have misread him – perhaps he’s not as bad as I came to believe? I would never, ever stay for more abuse – NEVER. But the way things are right now – it’s literally perfect. But i am terrified that i’m repeating a pattern. At the same time, he has NEVER before confessed that he did treat me badly. He has not tried to make excuses or back down from this. Is there hope? My mother is so hopeful – that my leaving scared him enough to make him realize he couldn’t take me for granted anymore. I know both my sisters fully expect that he will relapse – they don’t trust him or the situation.
We are to start therapy next week (took us a while to find someone), he will know the right things to say in there – I think the real test will come when he’s with me. I’m ever more fearful of being disappointed again, especially since, judging from his behavior, he is damn capable of being a decent person.
Tmassar,
THE BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR.
I don’t recall all the “details” of your relationship with your X, and some people do show more “traits” than others do–some are VIOLENT and some not, some are physically abusive and some more emotionally abusive.
ONLY YOU can decide about what kind of “abuse” he dished out to you in the past.
I too “believed” my son’s REMORSE for killing the girl he killed in cold blood (and still enjoys remembering how vicious and horrible it was) but he had me BELIEVING for YEARS.
I’ve believed a lot of “remorse” and “repentance” scenarios from various Ps through the years—who knows, you may win the lottery, the odds are only 13, million to one, and who knows, maybe your X is really not a psychopath, but again, I think the ODDS are pretty high—
The one thing I can suggest though, is that there is a CLEAR boundary that ANY signs of abuse, name calling, hateful behavior, malicious behavior or EVEN ONE TINY WHITE LIE is a THIRD STRIKE, YOU’RE OUT OF THE GAME FOREVER.
Personally, for me, I wouldn’t believe or trust him for maybe 20 years of PERFECT behavior, and then I might, maybe, possibly start to trust him a little bit.
In the end, the decision is yours and yours alone, but we will be here if you guess wrong and need this place again. Good luck and God Bless you, I wish you all the best and I wish you well…I really do hope that things go well for you and him, and maybe I am too DIStrusting, but ONCE BURNED, TWICE SHY.
Hi Tmassar,
It’s so good to hear from you! I had been wondering how you were doing.
Again, I know how you feel on this one. I actually ended up getting back with my ex (sort of ) 2 times. After we broke up, we started something like what you are doing, seeing each other only on weekends, on my request. He was being really nice to me during that period. I think the reason is he was afraid of losing me. They go back into wooing mode to win you back. I think the reason he never admitted the abuse before was because you never left him before. He thought he had you for good. He needs a new strategy because you are getting wise to what he does.
At that time in our relationship, after the weekend arrangement I decided to go back with him “for a trial period.” As soon as he thought I was with him to stay, he started with his old patterns again. In the beginning it was subtle but the last straw was when he got the flu. He was really making such a big drama out of it, calling relatives and friends(!) to come visit him and all the while treating me like his nurse/maid. He thought he had me by then. It was on a holiday and he completely ruined that holiday for me. I didn’t go anywhere, not even to take a shower so I could take care of him. I bought him medicine, brought him to the doctor and even gave him a freaking sponge bath. Then, when his fever got worse (he was piling on two comforters to make it so) he blamed it on me. He said if his mother had been there she would have taken better care of him. That was enough for me. I was gone the next day.
I had so wished he would change and I wanted him so bad to be the man I knew he could be with other people. That is the sad part. You know he can be nice to you if he really wants to, but he wasn’t nice to you for the length of your marriage. It is not their natural state. Being kind takes too much effort for an N to sustain because they never learned how to do it sincerely. They only know how to put on a show, a quite convincing show, but a show nonetheless. Unfortunately, I think your sisters are right to be skeptical.
But like Oxdrover said, whatever you choose, we’ll be here to listen. Take care 🙂
Hello everyone its me again playing the whole stupid role. He got me AGAIN!!!!! Then ofcourse when all seems to be going okay….the other woman emails me a email to send to him regarding money he owes her. Then it started back up with her saying that he is calling her begging her back, telling her that he made a big mistake and he doesn’t want to die alone. Ofcourse he denys all of it and says he “HONESTLY” hasnt spoken with her in almost a month. I am so much in the triangle that I JUST DONT KNOW WHO TO BELEIVE ANYMORE. She has proof in the beginning but now neither one has proof…just words. (and frankly words arent meaning much lately) He says she is pretending to be my friend to get info that she is just playing me for a fool. I am the fool…I am being played by both I am sure. Why is it I can just forgive and forget as if nothing ever happened and when it happens again I find myself just doing it again…forgive and forget!!!!!!!
I should just get a tatoo with a welcome mat placed on my forhead since i seem to let anyone and everyone just walk all over me.
He does this whole why cant u once stand by me crap….If you love me….be on my side once and stand up for us. He says that she wants what we have so she will do whatever to destroy us….she said he told her as well that I just want what they have…that they will always be close. (yes he denied that too) But he honestly makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong for listening to her and then to him and then not knowing who to believe. Makes me for guilty because I am doubting him…..says that I am his one and that we are going to get married and such…even said he wants to get married when he comes down here for a visit (then will go back to his state til his transfer goes thru) just to show that we are one.
Honestly both of them have a point in everything they say to where it really is hard to dis-believe either of them. Dang I am sooooo gullible….!!!!!
RBLUE,
My dear you say “it is hard to dis-believe either of them”
WAIT A MINUTE HERE!
Turn that statement around and look at what you have said.
He had LIED TO YOU REPEATEDLY,
WHY WOULD YOU BELIEVE HIM?
I can give you the answer–because you want so desperately for what he is saying to be true that you keep brushing away the instincts of your gut that tell you he is lying, and who knows, she may be doing some lying too, but the BOTTOM LINE IS that you will never get the truth out of him.
HE IS THE LIE. HE__IS__THE__LIE. Say it over and over and over, until you finally GET IT WOMAN!
Quote: ” i seem to LET anyone and everyone just walk all over me”
Look at the word in all caps–LET–that is the critifcal word here. YOU LET this happen because not doing it is for now, painful to what you want to believe.
The truth IS painful, but the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.
ONce you are through the fire of the reality of the truth, you will be pain free, but as long as you LET people walk on you, you will be in pain. It is your choice darling, we can’t make it for you. You just have to put on your “big girl panties” and make your choices.
We’re here for you when you need us, but all we can do is to hold your cyber-hand, you have to live your life. (((hugs))))
RBlue,
I agree with OxDrover…you MUST follow your gut that tells you that HE IS LYING.
I know that it is EXTREMELY PAINFUL….I finally and for the last time, kicked the S out of my life, ONLY 13 DAYS AGO.
Reading your post, as with so many other posts, I can swear that we are all talking about the same man….the same lines, the same fake devotion of marriage, the same “you are the only one and will always be the only one, until I die”, the same “you are EVERYTHING to me, I cannot bare to live without you”, the same “YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT than my life”….well, I can go on and on. Very, very classic.
Trust me, I am hurting immensely inside for all the deceit and grieving the loss of “all our dreams together”…. each day is an upward battle of dealing with so many emotions. HOWEVER, I KNOW that THESE SAME EMOTIONS ARE GOING TO LEAD ME TO MY PATH TO HAPPINESS….to FREEDOM…to FINDING MYSELF AGAIN….to FEELING NORMAL AGAIN.
MY ALTERNATIVE, which is the situation that you are in now, was to continue to feel MANY of the same emotions (anger, grief, resentment, etc), and NEVER FEEL ANY BETTER…..Continue in this crazy tailspin of his crazy games/lies/cons……which was driving me absolutely crazy (didn’t know if I was coming or going somedays) and would have UNDOUBTED driven me TOTALLY INSANE, when all was said and done.
I have and will continue to turn to my cyber-hand support EVERY DAY….read EVERY DAY….I will survive….and trust me, so will he….you are not the problem here. Try not to wilt to his LIES of true devotion to you….they are ONLY LIES…he has proved that to you before…..this YOU KNOW (deep inside) is TRUE ….. HE IS A LIAR, period.
CHOOSE TO LIVE….FOR YOURSELF RBlue….i know I am….and it already feels better.
Big Hugs and YOU CAN DO IT….Trust me!
Tmassar,
I was shaking my head while reading your post, saying ‘no, no, no, don’t do it!’ We can read and read and read until we can’t see straight anymore about what is happening to us with these s/n/p’s, but then when we get entangled with them again, all that we have learned goes out the window. What they do best is manipulate us. It was my wedding aniversary yesterday and my husband sent me an email noting it is our aniversary, with a sad face after it. I immediately started thinking, ‘oh, maybe he’s actually feeling sad. Maybe he sees the error of his ways’. But, NO, it is his way to continue to have power over me, to plant the little seed of hope in me, so that he can crush that hope soon after. And, that he did. The next email were the changes he made to our divorce settlement – I will not be getting what I asked for, as in his eyes he should not be “overly generous”.
It is all so painful. I am reading the book ‘The Emotional Rape Syndrome’ which someone recommended on this site. It is fantastic. It is unfortunate that emotional rape goes unpunished. We are left to recover on our own. They rape our souls, but we can be restored.
We each have to learn our own lessons and make our own decisions. I am so grateful for this blog because even when we continue to make poor choices we can come hear and know we will have the support and help of this group to get us through.
RBlue :
You know when a triangle ceases to be?
When you snip off your line. Then it becomes a right angle.
Snip the line, Rblue.
Then sit back and watch as the real fun begins: without your part in the drama, the N will explode all over the OW. Their relationship is held together by you holding up your end of this sick triangle.
Drop it. You can, you know. Free country, free will, free YOU.
Let them go all right-angled and then let their lines collapse into each other. They need someone to play their sick game with; you don’t need THEM.
Hugs, love and strength to you. Don’t let them do crazy circus acts unless you paid admission and find it entertaining.
Congratulations almostfree and freebird,
Good for you both, I know it is tough but the first step has been taken to your freedom ladies, and you are on your way to being FREE…we are here for you…
Rblue, listen to these ladies, they do know what they are talking about. HE IS THE LIE.
Come here when you need support or strength, otherwise you will continue to hurt. I am a nurse and I kind of think of it lke lancing a large abscess–filled with corruption—painful, and won’t heall until you grit your teeth and lance it, but the pain is over quickly and the healing starts, it will NEVER heal unless you empty it of the foul things within. Until you can empty yourself of the foul evil in this man you will continue to hurt and hurt and hurt. The pain of NC (like lancing the boil) is small compared to a life time of pain and illness of the soul. (((hugs))))