Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
rblue,
What I would LOVE to see is you AND the OW both drop the game, just like that. Then he would have no one to play with.
I do not know a single married couple that started out in a drama such as the one you describe. This is not how solid, secure relationships begin… two women battling over a man that is playing them both against eachother. This is absurd.
I mean really… do you REALLY feel loved by this guy? Or are you just being seduced by your THOUGHTS OF LOVE? I can say this because I DID THAT! Wasn’t it a month ago that he was going to rush right down to your town and marry you? He is still promising that? Do you really think that once he does, everything will be peaceful like after the eye of the hurricane? But even in that peaceful eye, take a look around at the wreckage.
DO NOT ENTWINE YOURSELF WITH THIS MAN! You are lucky he has not married you and you are struggling with your thoughts of this man while you are NOT married.
Let this man go. Imagine that he is a kite flying high, swirling around in all kinds of turbulant winds and you are trying to control it… and then you c-u-t… the string. Bye-bye Bad Man. Cut the string, leave the triangle, close the door, hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan.. just set yourself FREE.
Getting married to a manipulative disordered dude will not make your life for you. You will not live happily every after. You will have MORE problems.. not less.
You are lucky that you are struggling with these revelations about this man now.. before you are legally bound to him. He knows that being married means a lot to you so he will forever dangle that sh-t covered carrot in front of you. Sorry about the bad word but you have to get it…. what he is offering looks pretty bad from where I am sitting.
The sooner you put this behind you the sooner you can work on loving yourself to the point where you will not accept this kind of bahavior from a man ever again.
rblue,
For your entertainment. I think you could use a laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKcY_DNF8aY
Come on now… cut the string and let the Bad Man fly away…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..weeeeeeeeeeeee
“that sh-t covered carrot”
Speaking of great metaphors earlier, this one deserves a special achievement award. That’s exactly what they offer to us who want marriage, a partnership, the real deal…that’s what they dangle.
Don’t apologize, it’s perfectly APT.
I wanted so much to marry my S, as I’m sure you all wanted with yours. I spent over ten years thinking he was the only man I would ever want. You know, if he hadn’t still been talking (or more) with his ex, if he stopped playing games with my head, if he stopped moving goal posts, withholding his thoughts, affection, time and everything else, that’d still be what I wanted.
But that’s NOT going to happen. He is what he is and he never really loved me. Every time I say it, it still hurts, but it also carries with it something undeniable and beautiful in its own way: it carries the truth . Which is something he would never give.
Shit-covered carrot. I really like it.
Thanks I need all this reallly I do…reading everything here it gives me the idea and the want to leave him alone….we havent spoken since tuesday. He tried a couple times yesterday but I missed the calls and didnt call back. But since then he hasnt called or emailed. Now the other woman has. She said that he called her telling her to stop sending me things because it just upsets me. (cause im not talking to him) then says that he must be in our emails……and said that he drives by her house and such. He has told me that he will show up here if I dont talk to him…but he isnt calling now so maybe he will be done this time too. He did say that he was getting tired of me going back and forth and not trusting him enough to stand by him. So maybe he is done. He lives in another state…but came bought a ticket to come here once without my permission and then we made up so it was okay to come here. So i wonder if he would really show up….that would be a waste of money wouldnt it??? Plus i threaten to call the cops if he ever did show up…maybe that will scare him enough not to do so….
I cant say it enough that I am soooo greatful for this site. Im sorry that I cant quite give advice yet since I myself dont know what i’m doing half the time lol…. But you are all wonderful ladies and I do hear every word u say…..i just have to actually listen to it know!!!!!!!
Rblue,
Be strong my friend, he is LYING, USING, MANIPULATING. He gets off on having two women fighting over him. Whatever you do, do NOT answer the phone, if he shows up at your door do not open it. Call the cops.
He will NOT “give up” easily, he MUST BE THE ONE TO DUMP YOU, if you dump him and go no contact he will be “injured” because HE is NOT IN CONTROL. It is all about CONTROL and sexual supply at his command—you are an OBJECT to him, he thinks he OWNS YOU, just like a SLAVE….or a dog and you have to do his command or he will punish you. One minute he is calling you in a sweet voice “come here sweet doggie, I love you” and as soon as he has his hands on your collar, he is beating the crap out of you for running away in the first place.
Every time you hear from him, don’t listen to the message, don’t answer the phone, delete the voice mail do not listen to it, don’t read the texts or e mails. Block his e mails so you won’t be tempted, or don’t open them if you can’t block them.
At this point, ANY contact, voice, text, whatever is NOT GOOD. There will come a day when you can stand up strongly and spit in his eye, but not yet—you need to heal first, to get the sound of his voice out of your soul. To give up the fantasy that he is telling the truth. When you start to slip, remember the things he has said to you that were nasty–THOSE WERE THE TRUTH, the only truth he can tell.
Just like the guy with the dog that ran away, he is just trying to appear nice to get his hands back on your collar and the BEATING is coming, believe me. Don’t go near him. Protect your self. Call a therapist, a shelter and speak to a counselor, do something for support for yourself and your child! But whatever you do, be strong, stay away from this man, he is EVIL. You deserve better. Listen to Aloha, and the other posters they are telling you the truth, they have been through this and we all have.
HE IS THE LIE—-chant it over and over! (((Hugs)))))
By the way, speaking of “standing by someone”—how has he stood by you? EMPTY PROMISES ONLY. HIM not trusting YOU? Give me a BREAK—PUKE—he is the one that can’t be trusted and he is projecting all these things, these EVIL things, that HE IS on to you—but only if YOU LET HIM. Take back your power, throw off your chains of slavery to this liar, break FREE. We are not possessions.
rblue:
This is part of a much larger essay that you can probably find by copying the excerpt and pasting it into Google. The whole thing is too long, but here are some thoughts to consider, a way of measuring his behavior:
“Take him at his word. If he doesn’t speak lovingly, he doesn’t really want to be with you-let him go. Life is too short to spend it trying to get someone to love you. He either does or he doesn’t, and if he does, he’ll either show it, or respond to your pleas to learn how. If he doesn’t, get out before your soul is damaged further. If it’s not safe to leave, go to a shelter! Stop wasting your life feeling bad, guilty, and stuck. You are beautiful and deserve to be loved, respected, and you will find it by insisting on it, and teaching other people how you are to be treated. It is a privilige, not a right, for others to keep company with you! Make him earn it with sane, sober, civil, sweet behavior.”
It is a privilege to be a part of someone’s life. Not only am I saying it is a privilege for someone to be in relationship with us (of any kind) but also for us to be in relationship to them, if they are sincere, good human beings.
He is not honoring that privilege. He is hurting you.
My S hurt me many, many, many times. The final straw was the night he told me in no uncertain terms that he did not love me. And he smiled while he said it, smirking as though he had just revealed the biggest master-stroke of genius ever created.
But you know what?
He did me a favor. No, not on purpose. He did it to hurt me, but ultimately hearing him say those words to me and enjoy the pain he was causing cemented the demise of our association.
He didn’t love me, but I do love me. Enough to save myself for someone better. Enough to keep looking for someone who will also love me.
Do you love yourself? If this were your sister, mother, daughter or best friend in your shoes, what advice would you give?
If you don’t know right now, because your S has made you feel unloved, unlovable and unworthy as they all try because they are small, pitiful, jealous toads…we understand. We’ve been there. Hang out here and we’ll help you through to clearer place where you’ll not be tormented anymore.
okay this is where I am confused, he says he loves me and does things to show he loves me…sends cards, sends money….does things for me…his last trip he had alot of car maintenance done for me and is constantly wanting to do more for me. He says that is what a real man is suppose to do. I know I mention the other woman alot but if you put the three of us on the phone or the three of us emailing back and forth he totally sticks with me and says to the both of us he loves me. She ofcourse says that he says different things when its just him and her talking…..so am I mis judging him by calling him a sociopath since he isnt taking money from me or using me for anything…i mean my credit sucks, i live in a very average apt…drive a very average car and there is no money coming to me for anything…..could he just be a liar from the start but now wanting to prove that its me that he loves……okay am i being really crazy right now for even thinking this…….he isnt tried to call me now since tuesday and well why is that bothering me….ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im hopeless i know
RBLUE,
Some but not all sociopaths take money from women/men. Some USE MONEY to BUY control. “I gave you money, therefore I can control you” “I do nice things for you, so you have to let me control you.”
IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU (He does NOT) he would come there, take you and your child and care for you—sending a few bucks and fixing your car does NOT make him a caring person. He is just playing a GAME between you and her. I do not doubt that the woman is telling the truth. Even if she weren’t, this man is NOT YOUR FRIEND, HE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, he is trying to CONTROL you, anything “nice”he does for you is just “bait” like a fisherman casting a worm out for the fish to bite—-IT HAS A HOOK IN IT, and when you swallow the bait and the HOOK, he will tear your guts out and you will be in worse shape than you are now. DO NOT TRUST HIM.
Even if 99% of what he says is true (and it isn’t) but if it were, the other 1% is a lie, and the lie is like rat poison.
Rat poison is 99% pure good corn meal, but the 1% that is not is POISON AND KILLS THEM. So think of what he says as like rat poison. There may be 99% truth, but that 1% will KILL YOU.
Regardless of what he SAYS he is not ACTING like he loves you. If he did, he would not be treating you this way, you would not be unhappy, he would actually BE TAKING CARE OF YOU, but he is NOT doing that. He is lying, he is talking, but his actions say he is a psychopath.
No, you are NOT hopeless, you are normal and you want to believe, but it is time that you faced the unhappy truth, this man is TOXIC and messing around with him, even listening to him is like playing with a rattle snake.YOU WILL GET BITTEN. It is not a question of “IF you get bitten” but WHEN and how bad. Please for your sake and your child’s put this snake down.
He does not have to be a serial killer or a thief to be a psychopath—everything you have said about him makes him definitely a psychopath, so why keep asking yourself over and over? Because you want to believe he is not, but it is time to face the truth my dear—you can refuse to face it, but either way, what happens is what happens because of the choices you make.
Sure, he hasn’t called, he is playing coy, wanting to make you “miss him”—all part of the game. Quit while you are ahead. (((hugs))))
rblue:
When words and actions don’t align, always look to actions for the truth. His words say he loves you, but keeping this other girl around…
It’s called triangulation. And it’s what psychopaths and sociopaths do. They just…do. Don’t ask me why. I can’t begin to wrap my head around it.
Look at the MSN Narcissist boards (google them, too) and read as much as you can at Lovefraud. Both sites are excellent resources.
He has turned your head upside-down. They are masters at getting us to distrust our own feelings, eyes, beliefs and to believe them regardless of what we’re seeing or feeling. We end up for a time believing more in them than ourselves.
We can’t diagnose him, but if he’s lying to you, if he was involved with someone else and hasn’t made a complete clean break or was involved behind your back, that’s not loving you or treating you right.
There are good men out there. I think. 🙂 Spent too much time on the bad one to know this for certain. But I totally suspect there are great guys out there who don’t cheat. My ex-spouse never cheated, for instance. Not that he was a great guy in every way….but…still.
As my boss says: there is a bar for acceptable behavior. We cannot call lying and being with others acceptable behavior. So, he’s not even meeting the minimum standard requirement for respectful behavior.
All your words really speak to my heart… but I have to ask a question no one can answer… when will I start to feel better? Here it is, over 3 months, and I am still crying. I don’t want to be here by myself, I’d rather my N was here, I just do not want to be alone, I hate it. I can’t get over the fantasy of the good times. My entire self-esteem was wrapped up in being with him. There is no me.