Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Dear Chic,
My dear I wish I could answer you, but I do know that there IS A YOU. A very IMPORTANT YOU. I’m sorry that you feel right now that you have given this over to the N, but you can gain this back. I too, gave myself to others, gaged my own self worth by what others (the Ps) thought of me, but now I am blooming on my own–feeling better than I have ever felt in my life. I too cried for months, I too didn’t want to be by myself, but slowly, I found out that I am wonderful company for myself. Being alone is not the same as being “lonely”–and right now you obviously feel lonely. But you know as well as I do that being with him wouldn’t really make you less lonely.
Come here often my dear, read, learn and post for support. It will help, you will get better, the “time” in days and hours, weeks, I can’t tell you, I wish I could (((hugs)))))
Hey Chic:
Of course there’s a YOU. There was a you before you met this guy, right? That’s the person you were for all those years before he came along and while right now it may not even slightly resemble the person in your mirror, she’s still inside you.
How was your entire self-esteem wrapped up in being with him, or rather, what exactly do you mean? Can you try and explain?
For me, my self-esteem was eroded from being with him. He had parts and times where he was excellent, a great friend, he took me out often, did nice things for me around here, he wasn’t totally bad.
But the cost was extraordinary: for every nice thing he did, he did something hurtful, too. Compared other women to me, told his friend in front of me that we weren’t dating, criticized me out of nowhere, said nasty things, called me a psychopath and other things out of nowhere, introduced me to other women as his “friend” when we were supposed to be together, told me he “was a good actor” shortly after saying he loved me…just really hurtful, crazy stuff, culminating in the last night I saw him where he dropped the big bomb.
All of that eroded my self-esteem, at first. Because it’s impossible to rectify the good guy with the bad guy doing all the seemingly deliberately mean stuff. And it took literally MONTHS for me to discover through abuse websites that this was a form of emotional abuse.
Then I found this site.
It took awhile, but I do finally own the part I played in all of it: I didn’t complain as it happened, let things go, didn’t hold up my boundaries, didn’t ask him kindly to stop (not sure if he could stop, even if he wanted to).
Fundamentally, though, I know he’s not ok, between substance abuse and other demons. I also know there’s tons of work to be done on me and that’s all I can fix.
Bottom line, though, nothing I did made him treat me that way. He started early on, just as he did all the other times we were together – weird comments, verbal abuse and yelling, and it escalated from there.
Nothing you did caused him not to treat you well. It’s not a reflection of your worth; it’s HIS issue. All of it, the lying, the games, the keeping OW on a string….whatever he did was about HIM, not you. All you own are your reactions.
You are worthy. You deserve love because you are a human being who deserves to be treated well.
ShabbyChic,
This experience will grow you a lot if you open your heart to the lessons. Recovery does take time. For me, I have learned a lot by looking at who I was BEING.. during my time with the Bad Man.
Healing does not lie within him. It lies within you.
You will stip crying at some point. Think of this time as an investment in yourself. This is, by the way, a far better investment than with a Sociopath.
rblue,
You were feeling all strong when you thought you were ignoring him but now that he seems to be ignoring you… you are starting to slip. Hmmmm.
You still want him to want you. He doesn’t want you. He wants to control you, torment you emotionally, and see you writhe in pain.
Get your head around that and you will be GLAD the phone isn’t ringing!
Ha, as usual aloha said in two sentences what I was trying to get to in paragraphs:
“This experience will grow you a lot if you open your heart to the lessons. Recovery does take time. For me, I have learned a lot by looking at who I was BEING.. during my time with the Bad Man.
Healing does not lie within him. It lies within you. ”
So true. Time is the only way through these things and there is some emotional backsliding for everyone. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you get away from the P’s influence on your feelings about you. They project a whole lot of nasty, negative garbage….and we’re really good at internalizing other people’s feelings. Which is great in some ways (makes us more empathetic humans) but awful in others.
I have absolutely no feelings and barely no thoughts for the exN WHATSOEVER. I am sleeping through, my energy and zest is returning. When I think how I was 8 months ago (check my writings new ladies), I was distraught, torn apart with grief and anger, mourning the gaping void he left. Now that is all gone and I am truly feeling like I am moving on to better things. I saw him recently and wondered why did I ever give him a second look. I have got my head screwed on properly now! I got good news that the tumour was stage 1, so treatment will be radiotherapy. I want to thank you all so much for your support through those months of hell. But there truly is an end to it, IF you stick with no contact. Anyone who attempts to drain or exhaust me or take from me or abuse me will not be granted entry into my life. Period. Anyone who leaves you feeling exhausted and doesnt add value to your life is not worth your precious life energy – that is what I have learnt.
BEVERLY!
Fantastic news about your tumor!
Also fantastic news about your healing! You are an incredibly strong and vibrant person and it has been my pleasure to get to “know” you.
Your resolve to keep the toxic ones out of your life is what we all have to make and CARRY THROUGH, listening to our inner self, our gut feelings, and not ignoring the red flags when we see them. YOU are an inspiration to us all. ((((Beverly))))))
Dear Beverly,
You sound like you are in a good place! Congrats about your improving health and well-being! It’s so nice to see people here slowly progress and it is wonderful to read posts like yours. I’m sure you’ll recover very quickly because you sound really confident and hopeful. It’s like a rebirth isn’t it?
When I was with my N, I started getting digestive problems, high blood pressure, varicose veins and my hair was actually falling out! I thought I was doomed to die early. I’m sure if I had stayed with him, I would have. Now my health problems are completely gone. With just a little self-care, I feel like a new person.
Continue to care for and love yourself, Beverly. You are a strong woman with a new lease on life.:)
Thanks LilOrphan,
I think I get my one-liners from my Dad. He’s in AA and he says they call it __________isms. (I am leaving his name out.)
But you get the idea.
:o)
I guess what I mean about my self-esteem being all wrapped up in him is… I did not like myself and felt unlovable when I met him (have always felt this way). I was so thrilled someone wanted to be with me, someone I was really attracted to (now I know I didn’t even have that). So he must have just picked up on my desperation. I have read that a lot on this site, that they can spot us a mile away.
I read my story in other postings… that I just tried and tried and tried everything… and kept trying for him to respond with actions that would show he loved me. I did not want to be alone, I did not want to feel rejected, etc etc. And now everything has happened, everything I was afraid of.
I didn’t see red flags in the beginning, I saw bright red lights as big as a barn flashing. I ignored everything… I had a boyfriend! I don’t know if I am explaining this very well. I do not write well. But he left, and I’m alone, and I hate it.
Yes, I am now looking at myself, and I don’t like what I see.