Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Dear Chic, (I won’t call you shabby!)
Being alone is not the same as lonely—sometimes the worst loneliness I have felt was with someone that I knew didn’t value me. That is worse than solitude. It is the PITS for me.
My dear, I am 61 years old, and I don’t like the wrinkles I see in the mirror either and I don’t wear the lovely size 6 I used to either–but you know, I am very satisfied with the face in the mirror now–WRINKLES and all! Because I am a good person and if people judge me on my wrinkles and don’t want to like be because I have wrinkles–it is THEIR LOSS.
Since I don’t go to work every day any more and just kind of hang here,I don’t take a lot of time with my hair or put on make up, or “dress up”–but I am clean and comfortable and that is ME–again, it is ME and I am starting to like ME. Like I am.
Another thing I notice too, is that how you feel about yourself is how others will perceive you. If you like yourself others will like you, they will honestly think you are “good looking” because you present an aura of confidence and charm.
People who are always aware of their looks, even if they think they are beautiful, and even if they ARE “beautiful” by media standards are not well liked as a general rule because if your LOOKS is all you have to offer, it isn’t very much.
When we meet new people, now think about this, we don’t recall what they had on, we remember their eyes, their smile and how they sounded…because that is where we focus when we are talking to someone.
My husband’s ex secretary, if you saw a photo of her you would think she was really homely–but when she walked into a room, every man there THOUGHT SHE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THERE, because she lit up the room with charm and confidence so that you perceived her as BEAUTIFUL…really. I have known one other woman like that too. Both of them were so confident in themselves as PEOPLE that they were so charming. We are often our harshest critics too. Other people may think you look great andyou look at every little freckle and think it sticks out like a baseball bat on the end of your nose. LOL
Sugar, my late husband was 40 pounds over weight and had a nose like a banana and you know what, every woman in the world from 9 to 99 was in love with him, and thought he was so sexy–you know why? Because he made THEM feel beautiful. He made ME feel beautiful, though it had been a loooong time since my mirror told me so. LOL
Learn to love yourself my dear, be happy with who you are, the person you are, and you will find the one to love you, but if you don’t like you, why would anyone else want to be with you? I think it is because we didn’t value ourselves as much as we should have that left us vulnerable to the Ps. I know my P XBF found me at a time when I was vulnerable because I had lost my husband the year before. ((((hugs)))))
ps: you express yourself in writing VERY well and I agree with free!
It is amazing how much your inner state affects how you look. When I was still with my N (and when I was a kid too), even when I was happy, I guess the pain showed on my face and people would constantly ask me what was wrong.
Now I feel like I’m finally ok with myself. I cannot count the number of people who have come up to me since then and told me how good I look. I am not a beauty queen and I’m not waif-thin but I feel beautiful for the first time in my life because it shines from inside. Attitude can really make the difference between average and gorgeous.
“When you treat yourself with honesty and integrity and you show others that you love yourself and have self worth, it shows and people” good people are attracted to that.”
I totally agree, Free. Ss look for those who have even a glimmer of self-doubt and feed on it like vultures. Loving yourself and showing it and setting good boundaries are the two most important tools to repel them.
For those of us who have been in more than one abusive relationship in the past, this is the key to breaking the cycle. In some of our families, the cycle has been going on for generations. So many years of dysfunction and abuse in my family, and it can stop with me. We all have the power to stop the cycle but I think it takes some doing because then we have to enter the unknown. Learning how to live life a different way and giving ourselves the love we deserve is a new concept and it is kind of scary to reject our old attitudes and ways of thinking, but the alternative is worse.
It’s funny how we look for unconditional love outside of ourselves but many of us never learned how to love ourselves unconditionally. Maybe it’s because we need to take a good look at ourselves and see who we really are, what are fears are and what are weaknesses are. That isn’t easy. Then, on top of that, we need to love ourselves anyway. Flaws and all. If we can do it for another person, we can do it for ourselves.
Ariadne:
AMENNNNNN! To that!
Ariadne, Well put!! What you describe is wholesome inner goodness which is a fine defence against predators. Remembering that dark forces/predators exploit vulnerability. Even caring nurturance without boundaries can be seen as weakness to some exploiters.
Beverly,
I agree with you that “caring nurturing” can and I think frequently IS used against us as our weakness—the critical thing I think too, is the “WITHOUT boundaries.”
caring nurturing is absolutely a wonderful part of us all (former victims) I think, however, not having proper boundaries also seems to be one of those “commonalities” among most former victims as well, again, in my opinion.
About 6 months before my step-dad was diagnosed with cancer, I had thought about things are realized that I had a step father in his early 80s, though in apparent good health, a husband 70, again in good health, and a mother in her 70s, apparently in good health but physically declining, so I got a change to get an excellent part time job that would give great benefits and I would only have to work two days a week, so I took it, knowing that sooner or later, it would be a godsend.
It was also good for me in that I got to spend much ore time her at time farm with my husband, my family, and my dogs. Great deal all around and only a small cut in pay.
When my step dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was there to take him to doctors, procedures, etc. and I did this very willingly. When he became quite ill from the two doses of chemo that he had, I was there…when he started having various complications, I was there…I literally shut down my kitchen and moved into my mother’s place and my husband and son came there for meals. On the weekends when I had to work, my son D came there to sleep so that if dad just needed to get up to the bathroom he could take him, but if there was a crisis, I was there on the spot.
I did this willingly. Then my mother had surgery, which had post surgical complications and I had two hospital beds set up there….so for months I did this, totally willingly. After my husband’s death I went back to doing this, again willingly, but with less strength. After my dad’s death, and mother’s recovery though, when I went to SET BOUNDARIES for what I was willing to do for her when she could do these things for herself, or delay doing them until I could do it without stress or not taking care of my own business–which I desperately needed to do—the chaos ensued partly because of her anger at me setting boundaries. She reached out to the Ps to be her servants, and fell in to their trap. Of course, in the meantime I had also figured out that my P-son was NOT repentant at all…so he joined in the family smear campaign about how “mean” and “uncaring” and “controlling” I was—especially after the Ps started getting large sums of money from my mother and lying about it to me—and HER LYING about it.
When I realized that her “caregiver” was a Trojan Horse P sent by my son (my best friend found his photo and history on an Internet OFFICIAL site in TExas for sex predators.)
he even convinced my mother that I had used my computer skills (which I don’t have) to make this up on my computer. It was all a lie. Then he said, “well yes, there was a bit of a problem, but she was 17 (instead of eight) and she was a slut anyway and asked for it, and she really looked like she was ‘legal'” etc. (Yea, they put guys into prison for more than 10 years for consensual sex with a 17 year old all the time and just say that she was eight) LOL
With a combination of all the elements, the psychopaths can make black look white, and convince even the most rational of us that we are the crazy ones—and when you START to set some boundaries when you do start to see through the FOG or if you get a GOOD view through the fog (like the sexual predator site) they go into HIGH GEAR with their FOGGING machine to make YOU look like the crazy one.
I almost had to laugh at one of my mother’s comments, “But they were SO RESPECTFUL to me” I was BAD because I had raised my voice to her in frustration, and they were GOOD because they would never raise their voice to her—LOL ROTFL. It never occurred to her that I felt free to raise my voice to her, to make her mad in an effort to convince her what was going on,, but that was because I wasn’t trying to steal money from her. If they had made her mad or raised their voices to her she wouldn’t have let them have the MONEY. (shaking head and rolling eyes here!) LOL
Setting boundaries where in the past we have never had boundaries changes the composition of the relationship, and we need to be prepared to let go of those relationships because the people we have nurtured and cared for when they couldn’t’ care for themselves because we love them, may insist that we go on caring for them when they are perfectly able to care for themselves. Or if we have enabled them, and cared for them, taken responsibility for what they should have been responsible for, then when we quit, when we do set boundaries—the relationship is likely to go with it. My dad had a little saying that I liked, about the guy that had been enabled and given things for years by his friend, and one day when the friend asked for something, the guy said NO. Then the enabling friend said “Well, Joe, I have paid your house note, I have given you a car, etc etc. why won’t you do this little thing for me?” And Joe replied, “Yes, I know all of that, BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?”
I think that learning to set appropriate boundaries, WITHOUT losing the caring and nurturing part of ourselves is a thing that I know that I need to do. To be able to give freely, without expecting a “return favor” from people. But at the same time, not to give and give and give to exhaustion to people who do not treat you with “respect” UNLESS you are giving and giving and giving.
Thank you to all of you for posting some fabulous responses to my questions. I do need to do a lot of work on myself… and you have given some great advice! Thank you so much for being here and for being such caring/loving human beings.
Hi friends. On the subject of setting boundaries: I’ve been doing that and I’m amazed at what’s happening. But also still not settled. Is it possible that my narcissist H is not as ill as I thought? That I was too much of an enabler? I’m not blaming myself for his miserable past behavior, don’t get me wrong. But since I’ve moved out (we see each other weekends & once during the week now), he’s kind, he’s keeping the house in order – cleaning, gardening, you name it – making NO demands of me, supporting me in my new job, calling me in the evenings, reassuring me where I need it (he’d had an emotional affair through last November which was the catalyst for all this other stuff that came out…about his verbal abuse & other bad behaviors – ultimately the reason I was not liking him anymore)…
Anyway, having brought all this to the surface, now he’s being what I need. But I don’t feel the same way anymore. I’m such a changed person. I’m wary, not trusting. I am strong and independent, I feel good about myself, and somehow I thought that if he continued with this good behavior, we could put the past behind us and things might even be better. But I’m doubting that I can go on with him – and I don’t even know why. Perhaps just too much damage has been done? It’s been a month now since I “left”. My mom thinks maybe i’ve made things too convenient for him – i’m in his life, but not too much..maybe this arrangement just suits him fine. But I don’t even know what this is.
He maintains that he messed up – he knows he was abusive and needs to work on his temper. What more can i ask for, if he actually follows through?
I feel like I’m waiting for him to fail so I can just close the door for good, with a good reason. This can’t be right. This isn’t fair to him, despite how unfair he’s been to me in the past. Am I wrong?
This feels like a long journey with an as-yet uknown ending. I don’t even know if i belong on this blog anymore – some of your situations are so much more extreme than mine. My heart aches for all the sadness caused by these situations.
Sad update. I finally pushed him last night to TALK to me about what was going on behind this facade of kindness and respect. I said ‘i’m happy you’re treating me this way, but we’re not connecting, we’re not TalkINg about anything that matters, i don’t know how you’re feeling.’
It took a while to break down that wall, but then the flood came out – he said he feels like a ‘caged animal’ in the relationship, he said he’s paranoid that i’m going to be mad at him all the time, that the things i said when i left really hurt him. He said he realizes that his feelings about feeling ‘caged’ are irrational but he has them anyway. He said he feels nervous everywhere that i’m suddently going to show up and yell at him. (?? i’ve never done this.) He also said he doesn’t want to talk about any of this – that was the deal-breaker i guess. I said how are you ever going to work through this stuff if we don’t talk, if you’re not honest with me, if you don’t want to “work” at it.
He said he doesn’t want to -that he even regretted opening up to me now. Then he said ‘i think we should separate.’ Of course i have already gotten my own place so this is no longer difficult – we were partly separated anyway, but now i guess we will not have contact for some time to come.
This is a tragedy. None of this encounter was angry or cruel -for once, it was honest and peaceful. He said all the things i told him about himself (being abusive, etc.) was true, but that he needed to internalize & deal in his own way. That he wasn’t going to talk about it with me – couldn’t, won’t.
I can’t operate like this – i need openness. For a month i’ve been thinking that he’s been working on things, but it was an act. And of course he was getting resentful that he was being “forced” to act this way.
And so: I go. And I think this is the last time. I don’t know WHAT diagnosis this man would get, but I know I really gave it my all, until I broke. If he won’t talk to me, even in the face of recognizing his own problems, what else can I do.
I’d love some feedback, support, if anyone is out there.
Tmassar,
What difference does the “diagnosis” make? In the end, none really….what you call it whether it is just “dysfunction” or “psychopathic” or “Borderline Personality disorder” etc. doesn’t really make a difference as far as the ACTIONS and the situation are.
My mother, is what I call a “Psychopath by proxy”—she doesn’t fit the criteria for a psychopath, but her BEHAVIOR in defense of my P-son who DOES fit the criteria, is about as bad and as abusive as his is.
In addition, she REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT IT, to acknowledge anything she has done, she wants to “pretend none of this happened”—well, that’s not good enough for a relationship in my book. OPEN HONESTY is essential to me, to have a trusting relationship.
I’ll “just bet” your H doesn’t want to talk about the abuse, because he would have to admit what he had done.
Him “feeling caged” and that you “suddenly show up and yell” etc. are HIS problems not yours, and are his attempts to lay the blame off on YOU—
Of course he feels “caged,” he is NO LONGER IN CONTROL, no longer has the UPPPER HAND. You are no longer willing to tolerate his previous behavior and HE IS NOT WILLING to STOP it (at least for long).
Quote: “he was getting resentful that he was being forced t act this way”
VERY GOOD ANALYSIS of the situation. Good for you!
I would advise you to watch out, though, when the property division etc comes, he may blind side you so don’t trust him too far. Good luck.
Tmassar,
Don’t worry about comparing problems here, you belong here because you have been in a damaging relationship like the rest of us. Like Oxdrover always quotes for us, “Pain is like a gas, it fills us up no matter how big or small it is.” Your pain doesn’t sound insignificant- logistics aren’t that important anyway.
It must be really hard to face the fact that he doesn’t want to work on your relationship, and that his niceness was an act. I know it was hard for me. Even with all my cajoling, he never opened up to me like that. I told him the night before I left for good that I just wanted him to genuinely care about me and he just nodded like he was listening to a lecture and taking notes. That was the moment that I knew things would never ever change and it really hurt.
I know you feel like all your hopes for a good relationship WITH HIM, your husband are dashed. That in itself is a huge loss. Because we, as caring, loving women, like to believe that those who we lavish our love and affection on will love us back and show their affection for us. I think the hardest thing to accept is that the answer to your question, “what can I do?” is nothing. We can’t do anything to fix a relationship with a disordered person, although we might break ourselves trying.
I know that this is probably not going to make you feel better but I understand what your going through and you are not alone. Keep writing it out, you need to feel the pain to get over it, and you will get over it eventually. *hugs*