Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
It’s Sunday – ugh. Day 2 alone in my new place. I had a decent day yesterday, I went out with a friend last night, that really saved me. But here in my apartment (I miss my house, I miss my town) i’m SO LONELY. I miss the companionship, even just knowing someone else is around. I KNOW i will get over this, I know I will, I just dread so much of what lies ahead – contact with him to divorce, and then the ultimate realization that it’s OVER. I wish I could fast-forward a year..
I feel so guilty – I know I shouldn’t. I feel like, he admitted he has these problems and I know he’s struggling with them, but I’m not there to help him anymore. I HATE that I have caused him pain. And I know how bad this sounds, given the pain he has caused me. I enabled so much for so long.
My current confusion is compounded by the fact that I don’t know how he is regarding this current separation. Before I left the house, while packing, he called from his office to say good-bye and he said to me ‘we’ll be in touch, you can call anytime.’ I’m thinking – are you INSANE? You want to separate and you think I’m going to call you..?! I mean of course we need to talk eventually in order to divorce, but is he thinking that this is simply a separation and that we might get together again, or does he know this is the end?
I don’t think he himself knows, but I really don’t KNOW what he is thinking. I am AFRAID of being rejected by him. How crazy is this – i still want him to love me and want me. WHY????? I guess because I still love him – will I always? We all, on this blog, know that it is not enough. There is no malice left in him – he is simply sad that he is who he is – and this is just a killer for me.
I took my wedding ring off. I am making plans for my future. I’ll just wait for this turmoil within to pass.
Ariadne you’re right – i know what you mean about the nodding like he’s taking notes – he wouldn’t commit to divorce, wouldn’t commit to therapy – nothing, just internalizing everything & shutting me out. Nobody can live like that. Even when he suggested separating, he was so desperate to make sure I was in agreement, so that HE couldn’t be held fully responsible for it..
Ach the hell with it. 13 years of my life. This is a sign of how hooked I am on this hell: my WORST FEAR right now is that, now that he’s recognizing his enormous issues – for the first time being forced to accept and face them – that he WILL work on them and that someone else will be the beneficiary of his improved self, and not me. I should HOPE for that, for his sake. But right now i’m feeling too selfish and self-pitying!
This post is all over the place, guess I need a bit more distance from the whole situation. I don’t know what to expect right now.
Dear Tmassar ((((hugs))))))
You sound like you are pretty “normal” to me given the situation. I would bet a silver dollar that every one of us here has felt pretty much like your above post…”all over the place.”
I also imagine your emotions will be all over the place as well, which is “normal’ too…my suggestion is to keep (for the moment) as busy with other things as you can so that you don’t go on “emotional overload”—take the emotions, but gradually, a little at a time.
It is sort of like being told that you have to EAT AN ELEPHANT—the task seems impossible, but if you take it ONE BITE AT A TIME, you can eventually get it all down! If you try to swallow it in one bite it will choke you. So take the emotions SLOWLY, not all in one big swoop—try to stay in the NOW as much as you can too.
God bless and hang on! ((((hugs)))))
Thanks for the hugs, needed that..!!
So bizarre – i just spoke to my sister, who is in fact a pscyhologist herself – she doesn’t know my ex very well, but as I’ve been opening up to her more & more, and telling the truth about my relationship, she has been pegging it for what it is. Just today, she said to me, bottom line is, you are dealing with a sociopath !! Can you imagine my shock at hearing someone utter these words. Even as I’ve been here writing & reading for months now.
She reiterated what we all know: he knows the right things to say, and sometimes the right things to do, but he doesn’t FEEL it. He can’t. This is tragic of course, but also not fair to expect that I make a relationships work under these conditions. He means me no harm but he also won’t ever be what I need. He can’t give unconditionally. I’m having a ‘lightbulb’ moment – actually recognizing this and BELIEVING it. Need to keep on this path…
Tmasssar,
I am glad that you had a light bulb moment, they are really good for the soul, and that your sister was able to validate your assessment.
Your one comment that “he means me no harm” may not be right however, as many (most) socio/psychopaths DO mean harm in order to get what THEY want regardless of the cost to you. As long as you are in any “relationship” with him, even in one where you are “splitting the blanket” do not allow yourself to “feel sorry for him” because if you do, HE WILL REAR UP AND BITE YOU IN THE A$$.
BE ON YOUR GUARD…do not let your guard down, he will suck you into his trap and slam the door. I realize that there are different “degrees” of socio/psychopathology but NONE OF THEM IS BENIGN.
In all of them, YOU are viewed as an object to get their desires, and if and when you start to split the property, look out. If there is a way, please seek legal counsel QUICKLY and PROTECT YOURSELF legally NOW. Otherwise you may find later that he has legally financially raped you andn there will be no recourse for you at a later time.
I know this is a lot to think of during an emotional crisis, but at the same time, I am sure there are others here who will second my warnings.
Good luck and God bless.
“I guess because I still love him – will I always?”
“Now that he’s recognizing his enormous issues – for the first time being forced to accept and face them – that he WILL work on them and that someone else will be the beneficiary of his improved self, and not me.”
TMasser, all of these feelings are totally normal. Wish I could say they fly on the wings of angels quickly…but if I’m any indication, they don’t .
Integration is good, though. Can you integrate the fact that you will always love him, possibly? This is a place of difficulty for me. I have never felt that way about anyone else in my life, and so to me that equates forever. It means so much more to me I think because I still sometimes feel he is my soul mate, the person who is here to challenge my comfort levels, and mine his, for both our souls’ higher purpose.
“I feel like I’m waiting for him to fail so I can just close the door for good, with a good reason. This can’t be right. This isn’t fair to him, despite how unfair he’s been to me in the past. Am I wrong?”
Well, yes, and no. Really. No, if his actions have hurt you terribly in the past and you’re seeing signs of that same behavior. And yes if you want things to work out.
What you are doing is hedging your bets. It’s also normal when someone has hurt you in the past. Just letting them in is a painful, scary experience, and yet you do it because you love them and want them in your life.
BUT…you may also create a self-fulfilling prophecy to some degree. If you keep this mindset and your heart feeling that way, then if things do go wrong, even if his were 50 percent or more of the issues, you will blame yourself for being closed-off and waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Even if he does proceed to D&D you and it’s a clear-cut case of him doing the same old, same old.
Also, if he really is sincere you are not giving your heart to the situation and allowing things to proceed naturally.
I won’t tell you what to do, but it’s all very tough when your own heart has been wrapped-up in someone for so much time, such an investment. And if you are fairly certain that is what he is, there really isn’t any hope he will change.
After this go-round, I do know that if I had it to do all over again, I’d give it the best try possible so it really had a chance, for my own peace of mind.
tmassar,
I haven’t had much time to post lately and I don’t have much time now; I haven’t even read to the very end of this thread yet. I want to say though that one thing I realized–a few months ago, when–on the morning after a day in which my S soon-to-be-ex-husband had so convincingly and seemingly sincerely told me how deeply he wanted to come home, how much he had changed, how much work he yet had to do–I inadvertently discovered he was still seeing the woman he had all along been planning on up and leaving me for–is that with these people, EVERYTHING IS A MANIPULATION.
I really got it that day. I had so wanted to believe everything he had been saying. I didn’t want to get to that lonely place, the place you are talking about, the place where I’m living too.
This morning I scribbled down some words in which I compared myself to a child who’d been abandoned by its seemingly-loving mother. And, actually, even if the mother had been obviously abusive, that child would be devastated if the mother were taken away.
Because what else then is that child left with? Certainly others, objectively can see that the child is better off. But the child itself is so bereft of everything that anchored its existance. The succor, no matter how fake, the nurture, no matter how phony, had been what was sustaining the child emotionally in its young life.
We are no longer children, but emotionally many of us here came to depend on, count on, lean on, our socio husbands. We believed in them, we trusted them, we thought we’d spend the rest of our lives with them–these men who once seemed so perfect–and when they are gone, no matter how hideous we find out they actually are, their absence leaves an incredible void.
An enormous howling vacuum. And so we want to call them. We want to talk to them. We want to work things out. We want them to rub our feet, rake their fingers through our hair, make love to us, comfort us, cuddle us, all those lovely things they once did, all those lovely things that all human beings, no matter their age, so deeply want.
And without that we flounder and bargain and try to find ways to make all we had be real. We want to fix the relationship, we want to reconcile, we want our old lives back; more than anything else we want to believe, because to do otherwise is so agonizingly painful.
And yet, ultimately, we realize that, to save ourselves, we can’t. We are never going to fix them; they are unfixable. All they can do is make their sincere-sounding promises, make some feeble attempts that are only designed to uphold their image and prove to the world–including maybe themselves–that they really tried. They really really tried, they’ll say to anyone who will listen, and we all know that’s bullshit. They never tried at all; all they did and all they ever will do is take take take. And the better they can make themselves appear to the world, the more they can get away with taking.
Orphan,
QUOTE: I do know that if I had it to do all over again, I’d give it the best possible try so it really had a chance…”
Do you really REALLY think, even in the back of your soul, that there is ANYTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY to make a different outcome with your relationship to the P?
What would it take for you to decide that HE DID NOT LOVE YOU, no matter how much you loved him?
What would it take for you to decide that he did not have YOUR best interest at heart?
What would it take for you to decide that he was not who he pretended he was, that the fantasy-man you were/are in love with didn’t exist any more than SANTA CLAUS does?
I don’t agree that Tmassar WILL blame herself for the situation. Sometimes people do “blame themselves” but it is not LOGICAL or RATIONAL, but more of the FOG, the swallowing the BLAME THEY PUT ON US which is FALSE PROJECTION, not truth.
If you are dealing with a “normal” person, maybe some of this would be true…but not with a P. And if it ACTS like a Psychopath, as far as I am concerned IT IS A PSYCHOPATH.
NO ONE will ABUSE us UNLESS WE LET THEM, BUT ALSO NO ONE WILL ABUSE US unless they Choose to do so. We do not make them abuse us, or discount us, or our feelings.
WE DO NOT deserve to be treated like garbage—if someone treats us like garbage–psychopath or not–we are not required to “give them another chance” to do it again. The best indicator by far of future behavior is PAST BEHAVIOR. Patterns of past behavior. A “one time episode” out of “character” is one thing, but a PATTERN OF BAD BEHAVIOR, is another thing entirely.
When we recognize a PATTERN OF BAD BEHAVIOR it is up to US to CALL A HALT to it. Crap on me once, shame on you, crap on me repeatedly SHAME ON ME!
As my late husband used to say,
“It is bad enough when they crap on my head, but it is TOO much when they slide down my nose to wipe their butt!” (He had SUCH a way with words, God rest his soul and his twiste sense of humor! LOL)
Yikes, OxD. I think you read me wrong. I wasn’t suggesting she would feel blame….I was just describing that her feelings were normal and sometimes led to self-blame if she already feels she is waiting for him to fail.
As far as me, I have to know in life that I did everything I could in situations with people who matter to me. In this case, I didn’t.
Without huge detail, I saw him begin to pull away, act different, and I ran away. Then fabricated this whole situation in order to hurt him. I just disappeared like he used to do. Up until then, he was still actively participating and trying — although he was starting to show CP signs. He knows he’s CP and was trying to work on it, over time.
I made matters much worse than just a simple Houdini or D&D on his end, by not simply waiting until Elvis left the building himself. Because of my actions, I’m left feeling bad. This part is not ABOUT HIM. It was about how I behaved. We both know only we have control over our actions and I just flipped out totally because I was panicking. If I had waited and he had left, it would still hurt, but I wouldn’t feel regret for my actions.
Would the end result have been the same? Well, based on past behavior between us, yes.
Was he really trying to change? It seemed that way, but I can’t say for certain.
But again, my behavior caused my regrets. Regardless of what he was doing, I panicked and acted out of character.
Does he love me? Well, according to the last time I saw him, months after I ran, HE SAID HE DID NOT. So I have to take his word on that. And again, that has no bearing on my own feelings about what I did and didn’t do.
I didn’t create boundaries, either. I am very aware of the things he did and didn’t do, but that does not excuse the things I did and didn’t do, too, does it?
I do have to grow, and the only way to do that is to work on the only person I can – Me.
Hi again (sorry for posting so much today – it’s one of those days, i’m in serious revelation mode here – going back to the office tomorrow, thank god!)
Anyway – LilOrphan – I know what you’re saying – it’s hard not to self-blame certainly, especially when you do things that you regret in the midst of the whole mess. I actually hissed at my ex IN PUBLIC when I found him about to meet up with the other woman he vowed he was no longer seeing socially! He ended up making me regret I had ever raised the subject – I “traumatized” him by getting angry at that – it was my fault! Never mind how it made me feel! And it’s true – i HATE that I did that, i wish i had been calm and waited for an appropriate moment to bring up the subject. But i didn’t, and you know what? Too bad – I make mistakes too, and I don’t deserve to be punished for them forever.
But you guys, get this – I just had a long talk with a close friend of mine who lives far away now. She’s actually a psychoanalyst, and we all used to be neighbours. She said my ex once confessed to her that he’d had a “psychotic break” (he attempted suicide once after having paranoid delusions that someone was trying to destroy his career) – so he actually KNOWS what his problem is. But of course, you can’t fix it. And a psychotic break means he has a psychotic personality. I know I’m supposed to know all this by now, but it is clarifying SO MUCH for me.
She said there are basically two options left for him – suicide, if he has another breakdown now that I’m gone, or he will simply build himself up again into the delusional life to survive. She actually suggested he NEEDS to do the latter to survive. Holy crap this is sad stuff. But I will not fix him, especially if he doesn’t want to be “fixed.” He won’t commit suicide – he’ll probably get involved with the other woman quickly & find a way to rework our marriage in his mind so that it’s as much my fault as his that it fell apart.
I’m feeling more liberated, even though this still sucks.
Lilorphan – i didn’t set boundaries either – live and learn – you will do that next time around. You also didn’t ASK to be abused and most people are able to respect boundaries so that you don’t HAVE to set them – that’s far more healthy. There’s always plenty of blame to go around, but isn’t this part of the problem, that these men turned us into people we did not want to be, because if we’d been ourselves, there’s no way we could have accepted them…
Sorry if I read you wrong, dear! You know me, open mouth and insert foot, but I interpreted your post to mean that you we accepting “blame” for his behaivor and feeling that if you’d only tried a bit harder…etc. SORRY
I know we all “do things out of character” when the “crazies” hit us from the pain. God knows that I sure did…using a physical example of “pain” once I fell down some brick stairs and actually hit my shin hard enough to crack it. The pain was AWFUL and a beloved friend was with me and reached down to help me up, and I screamed like a RABID dog, “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!” HOW TWISTED IS THAT!?!
I won’t even go to where I reacted to my own pain this past chaotic episode—it is a wonder I have any friends or family that still loves me (I don’t count the P ones as they never loved me) LOL
Yes, I agree that the feelings that she experssed are definitely “normal” and she may start blaming herself (that seems to be pretty usual, and the Good Lord knows I blamed myself plenty) I think I was the “self flagilation” queen of the central US and 5 Atlantic states.
Accepting though, that if I had been “Ms. Perfection USA” as mother, daughter, and girlfriend, it would not have changed one iota of how things went with the Ps. It was only self preservation that released me, and that desire on my part ENRAGED them.
I hope that you can overcome your regrets Orphan. You, like most of us “did the best we could” to make an unworkable sitaution workable, we “gave over and beyond ” the “call of duty” BECAUSE WE WERE CAPABLE OF LOVING them. Forgive yourself, for not being “perfect” and accept that you are human, a GOOD HUMAN, if my opinion matters, and a caring, loving human.
I know that I have said things to my Ps for no other purpose than to hurt them (even if what I said WAS the truth) and the awful part is, it FAILED to do so–so not only did I do something I “regret” and “out of character for me” but it didn’t even accomplish the purpose because they didn’t care enough about me to BE hurt. The only thing I have ever done that actually DID ‘hurt” them was NC and that was simply a by-product from SURVIVAL for me, not intentionally TO hurt them.
I guess too, you tripped my trigger a bit in your advice to Tmassar because I can envision him behind her back, getting all their joint assets into a pile (which, while they a re still married he can legally do) and hiding it, saying that he lost it at the Casino in his depression, and laughing behind her back while he has hidden the assets. Call me a pessimist if you will—or a cynic or just a “veteran” of the P-wars, but I don’t trust them not to do the most nasty thing imaginable and some things that even I couldn’t imagine.
Right before I wrote the one tto you I had just posted to “Bookworm” and the woman is hurting so badly and he promises her he will give her her money back—Yea, RIGHT!
All she wants is JUSTICE and all she is likely to get if the P follows the “usual” course is another stab in the back. Sorry about the rant–anyway, do hope I didn’t offend you! (((hugs))))