Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Tmassar,
Keep in mind too, that his “psychotic break” and “suicide” attempt may have all been a fake, too….Ps will do that sometimes…to get sympathy.
I’m glad that you are getting some clarification though about “what he IS” (BAD NEWS).
We all have things we regret, but beating yourself up (like I did and many of us have) is not logical, reasonable or helpful and the sooner we can get over those feelings the better off we are–because NOTHING we did “caused” any of what happened. Though of course they want us to think it did. But our emotions are not always (ever?) logical, reasonable or helpful. LOL Especially after being worked over for X# of months/years by the Ps.
I guess today I am on one of my “lock the bastards away on Devil’s island and surround the place with great white sharks all 100 ft. long!” Kicks. LOL
Tmasser,
First of all, I LOVE YOUR SISTER. Getting some validation can excellerate your recovery and be key to accepting that he is a Sociopath.
Second… your big talk sounds like the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. Notice how all his confessions are designed to make you feel bad and then he closes with saying that you need to separate? HELLO! You left him, remember? He feels like a caged animal? (he is implying that you are controlling.. and it made you feel bad.. perfect.) See how you are filling up with compassion for the porr dear and you feel so bad for hurting him? This is a classic manipulation. He just turned the entire thing around on you. He told you all the things you told him about himself? DING DING DING!!!!
This heartfelt conversation was a crock of sh*t designed to make you doubt yourself for making him feel so bad about himself. This is so classic. My dear, you fell for it all judging by your post. He made YOU feel bad for hurting HIM!
Pay attention. This was one of those moments that played out like a scene from a movie and in a surprise twist… you are the villian, not him. He got EXACTLY what he wanted out of you. You are now entering the TWILIGHT ZONE!
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!
I believe that having compassion for people who abuse, disrespect, destroy etc. us is a BOUNDARY ISSUE.
Why do we think we need to have compassion for all people no matter how they treat us?
This is a tiny bit off subject but I think it ties over…
I just heard a GREAT quote from an interview of the guy who wrote: The Gift of Fear. It was on his DateLine interview when he was talking about stalkers.
He said, “A man that won’t let go choses a woman who can’t say “No.”
BINGO! Boundary Issue.
“You also didn’t ASK to be abused and most people are able to respect boundaries so that you don’t HAVE to set them – that’s far more healthy.
Is this true when it comes to romantic relationships with men? (Note the utter absence of experience on my part.) I always think that with women friends it’s true, but even with my kids and family I see where setting some boundaries works best. I used to believe that quote – that healthy people do not need to have everything spelled-out for them and lines all drawn-up.
Can someone provide input, please?
Aloha:
Why do we think we need to have compassion for all people no matter how they treat us?
Well, speaking only for me, it just happens. I have zero capacity to stay angry. When I’m not angry, then I just naturally feel compassion for people who I care about. There are times it seems beneficial to be able to “call up” old hurts or grudges, to remind myself. But it doesn’t happen that way.
Maybe the deeper question is: why do I care? But then again, the only answer I would have is that I just DO. I feel psychically connected to the people I love (and I don’t mean in a Miss Cleo way). Have always just been this way as long as I can remember.
Thanks for chiming in Aloha…good post! I agree 110%!
Orphan, I think you are not “exercising” your own POWER and CONTROL over YOURSELF as much as Possible, because I think, from your post that you don’t SEE it is “possible.”
Anger is a NATURAL response to being hurt. Somehow you have convinced yourself, I think, that anger is “not good” and you suppress it or kill it, or maybe deny it or cover it up. I’m not sure what you do with it, but FEELING it in response to hurt/injury is Normal, so what you are doing is therefore NOT normal. The rest of us have problems with TOO much anger or holding on to it too long and you seem to have a problem with TOO LITTLE anger. I’m not sure what it is, but there seems to be something going on here…ideas anyone?
As for most people just “naturally” respecting boundaries without you having to VERBALLY and specifficly set them, that’s true I think. I also think that people who have to have you FREQUENTLY verbally set boundaries are very TIRING to associate with. At least for me, setting those boundaries is energy using that I would rather not do. Maybe after I get more practice in on doing that it won’t require so much energy to do it. Right now, each boundary that I set successfully is a great “atta girl!” for me but does take energy, but fortunately, too, I’m getting more energy each day it seems.
AT the very least, having to set boundaries is irritating, and that takes away enjoyment of a relationship that otherwise might be pleasant. Maybe that is why we enjoy some people so much we never have to set those boundaries and we can use the relationship energy pleasantly instead of negatively. Two year olds and teenagers require continual boundary setting and I definitely remember HOW TIRING that was! Ten year olds don’t require so many boundaries and they are my favorite age of children! They are not continually challenging your boundaries either, they are curious, want to learn and so much fun!
That made me kind of flash on why my son and I like to do the living history demos for the middle school instead of the high school, is that the kids are SO interested at 10-11 yrs old, and pretty much dis-interested in the 15-6 yr old age range and just view the demos as a bunch of not-cool old folks dressed funny! LOL They’re much more interested in “preening” for the opposite sex. Which of course is a normal and natural stage in the kids’ development, but frustrating if you want any appreciation from your audience!
Orphan, while I too try to treat others as I want to be treated, there are those people who will NOT LET you do that. In trying to respect other’s boundaries, I expect others to respect mine, and sometimes if they don’t, if there comes a point when they INSIST in crossing my boundaries, I have to take a STAND that I really dont want to have to do, and wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, but because I respect other’s boundaries they wouldn’t have to.
Also, there are those people who resent having boundaries set for them, and aren’t interested in respecting them. They may respect them because you have the “upper hand” but not because they value you. That’s frustrating. Of course the Ps seem to LOOK FOR BOUNDARIES TO CROSS AND STOMP DOWN and blame you for being so selfish as to impose a boundary…after all it is YOUR fault you know! LOL
A
I do “feel” in response to being hurt. Oh, boy, do I! And I do get angry, sometimes overly angry for a situation, I think. And I do express it with most people (wasn’t really good at that with him, though).
But I cannot STAY angry, OxD, for any length of time. At anyone. Ever. It’s not a sustainable emotion for me. I can fake it, if you like. 🙂 Just kidding, really, because I couldn’t fake it.
I get mad – voice it – get over it in about ten minutes.
Was raised without boundaries, for the most part. Certainly wasn’t allowed to have my own, but if someone tells me not to do something that bothers them, I really try to listen and understand.
Did you have success the other day, in enforcing your boundary?
PS: Thanks for the input, Free. Your post made a lot of sense to me.
In what ways did these people push your boundaries? Can you provide specific examples? I’m really trying to understand the creation of boundaries, what is normal treatment to expect from others, etc. It probably sounds like a silly question, but please explain more.
Yes, I did, I think I told about it, maybe on another thread. I was so proud of myself my right arm is sore from slapping myself on the back…LOL
Well, it sounds like you are handling anger in a healthier manner than maybe I am. LOL I have to FIGHT to get rid of the anger, to WORK on letting it go…
When I was raised/reared? whatever the word is, I was NOT allowed to have boundaries, but others were. So I had difficulty setting boundaries within the family. I wasn’t supposed to have boundaries outside the family either, for fear I would hurt someone’s feelings, but I did IMPROVE on that, but when someone was inside the “circle of trust” (became “family”) it was difficult to IMPOSSIBLE for me to set and enforce boundaries….especially if me setting a boundary for Person-A would upset person-B. I have realized that in a back handed way person B was “approving” of or putting more approval on person A than they were on me. It seemed okay with person B for person A to abuse me and I was not supposed to “raise any flack” about it. DUH. If I set a boundary, I was the one being “bad”—hurting the other person’s feelings by setting a boundary.
I got better, but not enough—as I worried all the time, AGONIZED over setting a boundary for anyone that was even remotely connected to someone I loved…I just “assumed” that I had some sort of problem and they didn’t. I CHOKED it down, bit my tongue, was miserable and unhappy, but didn’t realize what was happening enough to STOP it.
I think yesterday was the first time I have actually been able to set a FIRM boundary and NOT FEEL BAD AT MYSELF about it. Quite frankly, if this person does NOT accept my boundary they can take a flying leap.
Constantly HAVING to set boundaries though is energy depeleting –sort of like “riding herd on a two year old” or a teenager who is continually pushing to see where the boundaries are, or trying to push them back. It takes a lot of enjoyment out of a relationship that otherwise might be there if you weren’t having to be vigilent in watching and enforcing the boundaries. It sparks constant irritation, frustration, and anger–at least in me. At some point, the continually having to be hypervigilent and rock solid may make the relationship not worth the hassle. I have had to set boundaries on this “friendship” more than once, and I had hoped that the current trend of not pushing boundaries might continue, but it obviously didn’t, and wasn’t something I could just “over look” and put down to petty crap…I had to take a stand or risk my dog getting killed by his dog which he was not keeping control of (the dog kills other small animals) So I had to set a firm foot down–control your dog OR ELSE I will control the situation.
I used to tell my kids “I think you need an attitude adjustment, do you want to adjust your attitude or do you want me to adjust it for you?” They usually chose to adjust it for themselves. LOL Even now my sons will say to me by way of a joke “Don’t make me stop this car!” LOL
Those things are so funny. I also used to tell them if they were misbehaving “I’m going to count to three” and they would immediately stop what they were doing and say “Oh,PLEASE DON’T COUNT!” I never got past one, and they had NO idea what would happen if I did, and neither did I. LOL I never did figure out why that worked so well and brought them to “heel’ you would have thought I had threatened them with some big STICK. LOL To this day the boys and I joke about “countin” and they always respond with “Oh, please don’t count!” LOL
Looking back on my boy’s early childhoods we had SO MUCH FUN, and I enjoyed every stage of their development, it was such a joy to watch them learn language, social interactions, to read and write, all the things that kids do. The curiosity and inventiveness of kids up to puberty. I guess in someways that “honeymoon” period with my P son kept me in the loop after the ABUSE started with him, and kept me HOPING we could have that kind of relationship again–fun and laughs. He is so bright and can be SO charming and fun, and interesting….if he just wasn’t a monster. I’m just glad that not only I saw what a monster he is but that his brothers also saw and have given up the malignant hope that he is going to come home and be fun to be around again. I don’t think my mom will ever give up that malignant hope, or her anger at me for exposing him…her level of denial is greater than mine ever was or could be and I don’t think she will ever be able to let go of it. What really hurt was when I realized that she had begun to engage in P-type behaviors of blame placing and punishment of me because I would no longer engage in her malignant hope fantasy.
I’m working on the anger and frankly humiliation that my own mother would “sacrfice” even my life for the P’s freedom. I know she isn’t a “real” died in the wool P, but she is the “p-by-proxy” he has her so deeply invested in the fog. She just can’t see that the MAN-P is not the same person as the BOY she and I both loved—who is dead and gone.
Am very glad you righted your situation and stood up for yourself. Will have to look for the post where you explain that story.
I’m not quite a total loss in that department. Not by half. I do have a mouth and know how to use it, but when it comes to people I love it’s impossible for me to stay angry. That’s all.
Those things are so funny. I also used to tell them if they were misbehaving “I’m going to count to three” and they would immediately stop what they were doing and say “Oh,PLEASE DON’T COUNT!” I never got past one, and they had NO idea what would happen if I did, and neither did I. LOL I never did figure out why that worked so well and brought them to “heel’ you would have thought I had threatened them with some big STICK. LOL To this day the boys and I joke about “countin” and they always respond with “Oh, please don’t count!” LOL
This was hilarious and kind of eerie, because I could have written it, right down to the response from your kids!! That is EXACTLY what my girls say to me, all the time. I did the counting thing and often, while midway through to “3” would think to myself What the heck am I gonna do once I get past three?
I had no Plan B.
Thankfully, it never got that far. They always stopped before 3. But really, what does happen after 3, a fireworks display?
My boundaries suck for two reasons. One, the childhood. No excuse, though. As an adult, I’ve never had to set them with people. Seems that the majority of people I know are very aware when they’re crossing a line. Or, if they do go to far, I simply say so and they chill, or apologize.
LilOrphan,
Having bounadaries and holding on to anger are not the same thing.
Let’s pretend that Bad Man was hitting me… so he hits me and I am angry and I even express it and then, I let it go because I don’t hold grudges… and then he hits me and I am angry and I express my anger and then, I let it go… that’s okay Bad Man… I can’t stay mad at people, it’s just not my way, and then he hits me and this time I am really angry and I even say it’s unacceptable and then I let it go.. because I don’t like to stay angry because holding onto anger is bad and then he hits me… and on and on and on.
See how I am “letting go” of my anger but I have no boundaries at all! What I should do in this imaginary situation is say, “Gee Bad Man, you don’t treat me right and that’s not okay with me so… you don’t get to be in my life anymore. Have a nice day.” :o)
I think forgiveness is wonderful, trust me. And of course, I do need to be forgiven at times but there were so many things that Bad Man did that should have been “END OF STORY.”
If you don’t want to be angry, then don’t but do this: Say “NO” to people who show a clear pattern of disrespecting you. That is what a boundary is… the place where another person’s actions is affecting your well being in a negative way. If they do it once and they don’t know… tell them. If they do it again, you need to wonder if the person gives a crap about you.
Standing up for ourselves and having a standard for how we allow people to treat us is having boundaries. We didn’t do this before and that is why we were scooped up by a Sociopath. I am sure you have heard the saying, “We teach others how to treat us.”
Are you satisfied with how people treat you? If you are not, do you let them know? Do they respond to your requests?
If not, why are they in your life?
Just so you know, I am not just talking out my a**. I did let a long time friend “go” recently and I feel fine with this. This person has shown a pattern over a decade long of disrspecting my boundaries. I can think of no one beside the Bad Man that has caused me more distress and I finally cut the cord. I feel peaceful about it too. There wasn’t much fanfare.. we just had our usual disagreement and I decided to walk. I don’t care what she thinks about the situation. I don’t even care if she thinks I am a bad person. I don’t care… and she doesn’t get to be in my life anymore and I feel very PEACEFUL…
I am at peace for standing up for myself and my well being because I DO COUNT.
I should have done this a long time ago but I always forgave and didn’t want to hold grudges and did tend to let things go easily but… that was not working for me in my life so in baby steps, I am changing that.