Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
I need help. He called me today after only 3 days of no contact. I was expecting to be left alone, i wanted to be left alone. He said he was calling to see how I was, like he just wanted to talk…? Is this normal when people decide to separate? WTF is going on?
I found myself getting dragged into a conversation about the whole relationship..i gave him examples of the ambient abuse, the outright abuse, the two emotional affairs…I tried to talk to him about the fact that he is ill – that he KNOWS he is ill, but he won’t/can’t do anything about it.
I feel like i have unfairly dropped a bomb on him but why, why did he call me. (I already know the answer to this, i’m just SO ANGRY.) Is this the first time he’s really realizing what he’s done to me?
Of course there’s the usual self-doubt kicking in about, maybe he’s not as bad as i think and he sounds so desperate and so scared and so alone…what if he got help?
I finally ended the conversation. I’m dying, how do i know i’m doing the right thing. OxDriver – he is not a bad man in the sense that your posts have described – he’s not really vindictive, he is really high-functioning and he is terrified of doing anything to ruin his image, so for him, the thought of this marriage disintegrating – it DEFINES him, it makes him seem normal and like he has a normal life – is killing him. But i have confused the hell out of HIM now. I feel awful.
I know the litany of posts i’m going to get now, yelling at me. Oh my god, get me out of this life.
No worries, i’m not going back to him. I need more time to get more strength.
tmasser
I feel an affinity for you. Have since the recent post about self-blame and your wondering if you are not giving it the right amount of effort.
This – right here – just clinches that affinity:
I’m dying, how do i know i’m doing the right thing.
This question revolves my entire life on its axis, in every situation, with every relationship and decision. This is the crux of my life. I used to say that everyone has a “personal billboard” in life, a motto or slogan that follows us like Marley’s chains, that keeps popping up throughout our life. Mine was “Surrender, Dorothy.” When I fight the current I get nowhere except frustrated. Hence, my motto.
However, if there were a higher theme, a bigger purpose, a question that keeps me up at night, your line would be it:
“I’m dying, how do i know i’m doing the right thing.”
Know what, tmasser? You simply don’t. And that’s really, really ok. From one incident to the next, from one relationship to another, even in everyday decisions, we don’t know we’re doing the right thing.
We do the best we can with the information available to us at the time. And that is ALL anyone can ask of us. Including ourselves. No, most especially OURSELVES.
You’re doing right now what you feel is best for you. Nothing is written in stone, in life. Most things can be undone, or repaired, even relationships, if both parties are willing to work at it. But you have to do what feels best for you right now and not ask “what if” I’m doing the right thing.
Because, I suspect that to people like me and you, that question not only means “what is best for us” but what is best for EVERYONE involved. And it’s great that we have such big hearts and consciences. I mean really, really, truly great.
But sometimes you just have to act and know that if something was really meant to be, even your actions will not stop it from happening.
Dear Tmassar,
I wrote a long answer, but my server went down so BLIP it was gone. Back up now (I hope for a while)
Yes, as Orphan says, we NEVER completely know if what we are doing is the best option.
HOWEVER, THAT SAID: (AND NO, I AM NOT GOING TO YELL AT YOU) (((HUGS)))
Ask yourself some questions, I’ll start the list: (you know the answers to all these)
Was he honest with you?
Did he treat you with respect, caring etc?
Did he abuse you, if so how?
Make the list for yourself…and answer them, write it down even.
Now, let’s look at what you have said.
His IMAGE IS IMPORTANT TO HIM, and if your Pseudo-marriage fails his image will be hurt.
Okay, so whose problem is that?
Okay he isn’t Ted Bundy or Charlie Manson, but what has he done to show you that he is a caring person (NOT SAID, but done?)
“If he gets help”—repeat after me: The BEST indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
Quote: He’s realizing what he has done to me? THE SHORT ANSWER IS NO, HE IS NOT REALIZING WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU, HE IS REALIZING HE IS LOSING HIS IMAGE.
I tried to talk to him about he is “ill”—okay, he is NOT “ill” that means unwell, sick, he is DISORDERED. A person without legs is not “ill” they don’t have any legs. A person who has a personality disorder is NOT “ill” they are DISORDERED. They cannot be fixed. They don’t want to fix them selves, they want to control others.
“Hes so scared and so alone.” Can we say SYMPATHY? It is in the dictionary between shit and syphillis–look it up, and tell him where it is.
“I feel like I unfairly dropped a bomb on him” How unfairly?
“He just wanted to talk”—no, he did not just want to talk, he wants to plant a hook in your nose and get control back. Lookk up sympathy again.
YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS—I almost laughed inmy therapists face when he said this, but you know, he is RIGHT, we have more POWER THAN WE REALIZE, and if we exercise it is is amazing how powerful we are. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT HIS BS, OR BELIEVE HIS PITY PARTY—You are strong and powerful.
Sure, you have choices, you can stay with him and let his problems become yours again. Why did you want away from him in the first place? Ask yourself. Why would you want to go back to it again, I can write you a check that will not bounce that it will NOT BE ANY BETTER…I’m being your “Dutch Uncle” and Orphan is being your nurturing sister, but there’s wisdom in what both us us say…and believe me my dear, “The truth hurts, but it will set you free.” (((big hugs))))
tmasser,
Did you catch my post earlier to you today?
Go back and read the essay at the beginning of this thread: Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action.
Your posts and arguements for this man are so classic. It has “sociopath” and “victim of sociopath” written all over it. Keep reading and absorb what is here for you… you have not fully embraced the information here and accepted that it does apply to you.
I wish you super human strength to get back on track with NC. I really do feel bad for all of you that were married to a Sociopath. I can only imagine how painful that would be… but try to move forward and waste no more time on this man.
And OxDover is right… we can control our emotions… and I believe we can transform things in ourselves if we decide to commit ourselves to the work. For example… if we have no boundaries, we have 2 choices. We can say, “I don’t have bounadaries.. that’s just how I am.” or we can say, “I have no boundaries and that’s not working for me so I am going to grow some starting NOW.” and then we actively work on it.
Good luck with NC.
Aloha…… :o)
Aloha,
QUOTE: “being angry and setting boundaries are not the same thing”
THAT IS A GREAT POINT, because the only time I would set boundaries with adults in the family was when I was so mad I was steaming, and usually they were an over reaction.
I let my anger “drive” me rather than setting appropriate boundaries in a COOL manner.
It’s odd too that I had NO problem setting appropriate bondaries for the kids when they were little, and enforcing them until the P-son blew it all away and I “lost it’–but am getting much better now, and the main thing that is BETTER is that I am NOT AGONIZING over them now.
Oh, one more thing–yesterday I “reposessed” a concrete mixer than a neighbor “bought” and never paid me for…been meaning to do that but just kept avoiding an “unhappy” scene, but no problem, I just called him and toldl him I was sending my son D to get it. No quibble, no “why haven’t you paid me” etc, just “I’m sending him to get it.” (pat self on back again!) LOL It was only a couple of hundred dollars, but it was MY money and he didn’t pay me, so check that off the list of TO DOs. LOL
OxDover,
I guess I didn’t make myself clear. The point I was making was that I keep talking about having boundaries and another reader keeps saying, “I never stay mad… that’s just how I am.” Having boundaries has nothing to do with being mad or staying mad. It has EVERYTHING to do with having a healthy handle on being able to take care of one’s well being.
I was thinking earlier, being mad is OKAY and appropriate at times. That is something to look at if a person never *feels* angry or upset when they have been violated in some way. It is healthy to be able to verbalize appropriate boundaries when you need to. Sometimes we are trained in our FOO to have no needs or to not speak up for ourselves… or another popular one: no one is allowed to be angry or have any unpleasant feelings… or even worse… no one is allowed to be angry or have any unpleasant feelings except_____________(fill in the blank with dominating abusive family member).
Don’t you ever go to bed? It’s getting late here in CA but you are on the other side of the country! I am up late because I had too many naps today… I have strep throat. I think the med is finally working and I just had a midnight snack… I was starving. :o)
Anyway, siging off.
Aloha
Free.. great post. I will add my own spin for LilOrphan.
What are boundaries. Well, first I would like to say that I really did not know before all this happened to me. It took me awhile to see it. I remember hearing a friend relate how someone had treated her poorly and she made the decision that she did not need a person like that around. How novel! This never occurred to me as simple as that is.
I happen to know that there were women that BM dated just a few times and he made one of his attacks on them and what did they do? They put an immediate END to it and cut al communication off. What did I do in the same situation.. I put on my communication hat and started explaining until I was blue in the face that he had me all wrong and I wasn’t those bad names he was calling me blah blah. What the hell was I doing? Bad Man’s first outburst was alarming enough that I should have at least cut things off for his very inappropriate behavior EVEN THOUGH I did not know at the time that his behavior indicated a disorder.
My friend that I booted:
Over the years she has left me waiting in random places because she told me “we are all getting together on Tues. at _______” and so I go there and wait and wait and then I finally reach her and she tells me “oh, I never did get around to asking the other people if they wanted to do that.” It would turn out that she would present it to me as a set plan but it was actually an idea at that moment, half baked. She borrowed my things without asking. She borrowed things I SPECIFICALLY pointed out as a thing I did not wish to share and then it was stained and ruined and she did not offer to rectify the situation. She called me “cheap” in front of others when I was in college and paying my own way because I did not want to pitch in $30 on a tab when my portion was $11.00. She called me a “stalker” in reference to BM after all that I had been through and this put me in a total meltdown. Despite all these things (and much more) I continued to be her friend. WHY? No boundaries for what kind of treatment I would accept for a person.
Let’s take a look at the Bad Mans :o)
Despite that they told us everything was our fault… just strip it down to the basics.
They lied to us.
Unacceptable.
They called us names.
Unacceptable under any circumstances.
They stole our money.
Unacceptable.
They toyed with our emotions.
Unacceptable.
They cheated on us.
Unacceptable.
They were physically threatening to some of us.
Unacceptable.
Some of us knew these things as they happened or found them out LONG before we left. Guess what.. for people with good boundaries, any one of these things would be INSTANT deal breakers but for many of us… we tried to work it out or tolerated the intolerable for far too long.. this is why some of you are losing your hair and suffering physical symptoms.. the deep denial will manifest someway even if you just don’t like to be mad at people and can’t stay mad.
Now we know we HAVE TO have standards for what we will allow in our lives. To modify a saying that we all probably know…: If you don’t stand for something (for yourself), you will fall for anyone… if they say the right things.
Some of us have eaten the sh*t covered carrot even when we saw the truth about it and we even pretended it was the best tasting carrot we ever had.
When ML Gallagher tells us to turn up for ourselves, I believe she is talking about boundaries.
I have to go to work… have a good day all!
Aloha
Tmassar
I haven’t been on in while, sorry about that! But I completely understand what you are going through. I am almost at 3 months non contact and he started texting me the other night out of the blue. Its just them being selfish. Even when I had first initiated no contact he would send me messages like we were still fine! Its all part of their ploy to make you feel like you are the unstable one, the one to blame. That is not the case. Its understandable to feel like you need to be there for him while he is going through these issues that he can’t fix. BUT IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM. It took me forever to accept that, but it is the truth, and it is liberating. You are only responsible for yourself. And yes, he probably will find another woman to replace you, and thats a good thing for you (not so much for her). Then you can move on!
If you need to, think back to the awful thing that he called you, you know the one I am talking about. It was incredibly insensitive, and I was seriously upset reading he had said that to you… I had a similar slur thrown at me, and that is never ok. You deserve to be free and happy, and eventually with a man that loves you and deserves you!!
Stay strong, you can do this! It only gets better, I promise.
Hey ladies. Aloha – i saw your post and i did go back & read the opening. It actually reminded me, about 4 months ago i had hip surgery (minor – to fix a cartilage tear)..he came to hospital while i was in recovery & complained about 1) the facility, 2) the fact that i couldn’t leave immediately 3) the cost of the painkillers and the fact that he had to stand on line and wait to get them at the pharmacy. (He wouldn’t have even picked them up for me except the nurse didn’t give him a choice!) Then when we got home, he left me alone in the kitchen & went up to his computer (work, as always)..i yelled up for him to help me, i couldn’t carry my dinner (which i made for myself) while on the crutches to the table. He came down and says to me “what am i, your fucking slave?” Then we had a huge fight which ended with him throwing his wedding ring at me and telling me to get out.
Hmmmm: and i thought i didn’t belong on this blog…
i’ve been tossed out probably about 4 or 5 times over the course of the marriage, come to think of it.
Anyway he called me at 11pm (woke me) last night, crying and saying he was in shock that i could remember all these insults he’d hurled at me over the years, like they were yesterday. I REFUSED to engage with him. I said, you wanted to separate, please respect my space and do not call me again, at least until you’re back from your trip (which is in 2 weeks, at which time i will be resolved enough to say: divorce). But i said right now i need space and you need to stop calling me. He begged for 2 minutes more & i said no. So he said, okay i won’t contact you anymore & hung up fast.
I was really agitated, but more or less okay. He may have another psychotic break (he attempted suicide once before in 2002), but probably not, i think he’s stronger now than he was then (he was in psych hospital then for 2 weeks). I’ve repeatedly given him the ultimatum now – counseling or divorce, and he won’t answer! So that’s my answer.
I still feel badly for him, but i’m getting there – i’m starting to get it. And i’m starting to feel angry, which helps.
For me, the bottom line now is, EVEN if he was fixable through extensive therapy and willing to make himself that vulnerable (possible but doubtful) – i think there’s just been too much damage done to go back. 2 emotional affairs – that alone, frankly, would be enough for many marriages, even without all this other stuff.
Allow me to write down all the things that hurt/traumatize/stick with me – you don’t have to read all this but i can use it as a reminder later, and maybe someone else will recognize things to help them, who knows:
1 vacation in 13 years that was not related to work travel. I asked for a vacation for Christmas: he got me a suit. (Granted it’s a great suit, but anyway – sorry, that’s my humor)…He doesn’t drive (refuses to learn for no good reason) – i drive everywhere. Has never been grocery shopping with me, EVER. Never cooked or learned to cook. NEVER did laundry except when i was away on business. Only started to help cleaning this past month as part of the “self-improvement.” He works like a dog for his career – but that’s for him – NOTHING for me. When he doesn’t want to have sex, just sort of gently rebuffs me and will say ‘no thanks’..instead of saying something like, ‘i’m just super tired’ or something to make me feel less like a reject! Doesn’t return my kisses on the mouth (ever).
Didn’t have sex with me on THE most important day when i was taking Clomid (fertility drug) when we were trying to get pregnant! Probably a blessing in disguise. Made me cut short last visit to my father before he died (i don’t know why) – that was the last time i saw my beloved dad. Arrived late at my father’s funeral and left early – picked a fight in the car that escalated to the point that he turned my left arm black and blue. Had to hide that from my mother for the whole week after.
On the way driving to my parents for christmas one year, we had cat with us & cat threw up in car. He decided cat was too important and fragile, and made me turn around & drive back home, canceled christmas with my family – made me call and tell them.
Made me come home early from a visit to my family to help entertain HIS brother, whom he can’t stand. Literally would have exploded at me – i knew i had no choice but to go back early, dammit, why did i give in.
Late picking him up from the airport (i’d missed the turnoff)..got yelled at, threw a chair when we got home..said “never let that happen again.”
Swore he wouldn’t socialize with the neighbour that he developed a crush on (a younger, newly minted PhD, with a baby no less – right after my miscarriage) – then caught him walking home with his arm around her one night.
Lied for months about the second affair, even after he’d promised to cut it off. Spent a night out of town with her, left his cellphone off so i couldn’t reach him & gave me number of some random hotel (he wasn’t staying at). I was up the whole night crying. Then he gets upset because he doesn’t want to come home to an angry wife. So i end up being forgiving.
Then (same woman) i hear from a VERY good friend at a conference they’re at together the THREE different people have asked if there’s something going on between them, because they’re hanging out so much. He had promised me to steer clear of her at the conference.
Then in between all this: peace and good times. Lalala.
Thank you for your attention! Normally i’m not an angry person but i’m letting rip today, screw it.
Tmassar,
It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to get mad at him. I remember my angry period after the breakup with my ex N. It lasted quite a long time! lol It’s all stuff that I explained and rationalized away at the time and put up with to keep the peace, but still I was walking on eggshells. I really wanted to beat the crap out of him for a long time after that. But at least I was acknowledging the reality of the past.
Now I still get small flashes of anger when I think of all his bullshit, but I generally just feel sorry for him because he will never be truly happy in life. But, not my problem anymore.