Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Tmasser,
Makes you angry by lieing about the hotel he’s staying at… and is unreachable… and then says he doens’t want to come home to an angry wife….
Do you see how he flips things onto you? He took your attention off the real matter which was he was deceiving you and in the end, you were apologizing for your anger.
This is text book, classic, disordered tactics, play by play. You do belong here.
He shouts at you that he is not your slave when you are on crutches and needs his help? Classic narcissism. If it isn’t about him, it isn’t about anything at all… you and your needs are unworthy and invisible. How dare you inconveniece him! This is what I call “inappropriate response”… for appropriate human response, see article above.
A friend of mine was married to a Narcissist but she is now divorced. When she had Cancer, it was VERY inconvenient for him.
Do you get it?
Don’t set your hopes on counseling. Look at what you have told us. Of course he is all broken up over this. If you divorce him, he will have to hire a cook, a maid, a personal shopper, a driver… you get the idea. He won’t be able to afford that, now will he? NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You are on the right track. Just think.. 6 months from now, you might be posting something to help a confused soul like you once were and you will feel the joy we feel when another person emerges from the FOG and says, “WOW! What a load of cr*p that was! I am so glad that part of my life is over.”
And congratulations on NOT getting pregnant. What is a blessing for one person can be a curse for another.
Hang in there!
I am going SAILING!
Aloha!
DEar Dear Tmassar,
This man is a BEAST—a MONSTER—you are his driver, his maid, his sex-when-HE-wants-it, but he doesn’t even want to KISS YOU? Has no consideration that your father is DYING, and I could repeat your list—WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED HIM FOR? What good things has he done for you? I bet the list is pretty short! If he wouldn’t be bothered to carry your dinner (which you made) because you were on crutches, what would have happened if you had cancer? Do you think HE WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, or out with his “sweetie”–emotional affair CRAP—I’ll bet the farm he was screwing her!
You don’t deserve or need this kind of treatment. If you think you deserve to be mistreated, hire a sadist to beat you once a week and at least you won’t have to put up with him the rest of the week! (Joke–my sick sense of humor) But really, this man is a USER–and as far as his suicide “threats” or “attempts” my bet is that he uses this to CONTROL you—“do what I want or I will kill myself and thenn YOU will be SORRY you were so mean to me”—nothing but manipulation! Personally I’d hand him the knife and say, please put a towel or the floor, or go into the bathroom so there won’t be such a big mess. It is nothing but manipulation and control gestures.
All anyone has to do to get admitted to a psych unit say “I feel like hurting myself” and then you are expected to “not hold grudges” for all the mean things he has done, because he is SICK—poor baby. Sick, hell, the man is a control FREAK. He is DISORDERED, not mentally ill. Big difference.
NO CONTACT, let your attorney talk to him, that’s what they are for. I suggest you contact one tomorrow and file papers first before he financially rips you off. Good job on telling him not to call…but he will sooner or later, anything to try to get you to pick up the HOOK again, so he can reel you in. Good luck! Be strong.
Tmassar:
I entirely concur with the comments from Aloha, OxDrover and Free. You are in an abusive and neglectful relationship, emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually (withdrawal of love/sex and having an affair).
You do NOT need him, he is not enriching your life in any way. You sound very competent on your own! You will be sooo much happier without him. I am so proud you are going NC, you have a very bright and happy future ahead of you.
Hi friends – amazing, so amazing. I just went through this ’empty promises’ section again, re-reading the whole thing and seeing, in 3 months, how much my life has changed.
You all are amazing. It is so easy to feel alone, and yet I’m not. I find myself back in this section for a reason I think.
We met with the divorce mediator a couple of nights ago. He tried to convince me not to go through with the divorce – to just remain separated for a year or so until he had time to do therapy, get on meds, do his own work, and I could get on with my own life in the meantime. It was SOOOO tempting. He is going through an enormous phase of idealizing me right now – right down to telling the divorce mediator that I’m the only one for him and he knows he’s been abusive and everything is his fault. (!) The remorse is SO convincing. He does believe it, right now, but I keep reminding myself that there’s no guaranty he’ll follow through on these PROMISES!! to get help, to honor me, etc etc etc…
And where would i be if i just stayed separated, with a vague hope that he was “working” on himself and might come back to me as a new and improved person…and then i find out that he’s again found someone else and i’m still hanging on…no way. Somewhere in me, despite all my emotions, I found the courage to say “i’m tired of being manipulated” and the mediator picked up on my fears immediately, and that was that.
So we’re on to paperwork and we don’t need to have any further joint meetings. We are friendly – he promises now to let me go, he says he understands why I have to do this. Thank god for that. Maybe it’s the one gift he can give me, after failing me on so much else.
Way earlier in this blog, someone said to me “can you integrate the idea that you might always love him” – and you know what? I think i can. He’s all i’ve known, i married so young and stayed so long, and not all of it was awful – i can wish for the best for him. And I do. But I wish for the best for me now too, and I need to proceed with that away from him.
No more empty promises – no more RISK of empty promises. He needs to keep the promises to himself first and foremost. Maybe leaving him was the best help i could have given him. Now it’s time to let go.
Tmassar, that is probably the pivotal point that some of us are grappling with. Having loved someone who turned out to be a cheating con, we grapple with the feelings of love and hate. There are times when I still feel angry that he cheated and conned me and then discarded me and ran away – so no closure. I really want to move on, but somehow i am still stuck in wondering what he is doing, how his relationship is doing etc etc – I guess I need to get more of a life and crowd out thoughts of him – which annoys me as was probably the biggest no hoper of all the boyfriends I have had and the one I put most effort into. I just dont think that letting go happens on one day. Yes, I have thought if I could get into another relationship (like he did), I could forget about him and I put myself on dating websites, but then took myself off. He still doesnt know I have had breast cancer, as I am determined that NO Contact is maintained and dont want to give any reason for contact.
Tmassar! Congratulations on your newly implanted backbone. I’m still waiting for a donor! LOL Joke! I am smiling all the way from ear to ear at your post and I am so happy for you. It is so good to get happy news on this blog, to see people grow and heal. There has been so much growth in so many of the people here that I just feel like I’m on a trampoline, jumping up and down and up and down yelling Yippppeeee! Yippppeee! with each jump.
We all have down days from time to time, but there are more and more up days it seems.
A sorrow shared is halved, and a joy shared is doubled…in the case of this blog, though, I think it is multiplied MANY more times than just “double” as I feel sure that everyone here rejoices with you as much as I do. For those still in deep pain, it gives them HOPE, and for those of us on the up swing, it gives us validation as well that somehow maybe we have passed on the support that others gave us to help us over the worst of the hurdles.
I am SOOOOO very very happy for you! POWER WOMAN ALL THE WAY!!! (Hoisting one) Here’s to you POWER WOMAN!
tmasser,
To me, the most powerful thing you said was that you recognized the idealizing for what it was. Once you get it with these people, you won’t fall prey to their manipulations.
AMAZING… you have had a shift and you see him as he truly is and not as he says he is.
Good luck on the road ahead.
Forcast calls for “NO FOG.”
XO Aloha
This thread about “empty promises” is sure right on for your P Tmassar!
Realizing that their promises are EMPTY is so empowering because we don’t fall for them any more. We aren’t willing to “wait until I become the man you want me to be instead of the control freak selfish jerk I am and always have been.”
My son got a call last night from his best friend who is a woman that he grew up with. She has decided to get a divorce from her husband. After they married he started to drink more, and party more and refused to “grow up” and just as she had independently decided to get a divorce (which he didn’t know about her seeing a lawyer) he came to her and said “I think I need to go into rehab” so she gave him another chance. Now, after several months of rehab, and him still living in a rehab half way house, on an outing to the hospital to see his grandfather, he still talked abusively to her, still had no empathy for her chronic medical condition (that is life long and very serious) or care for their 3 month old child.
She called my son last night to talk to him, and after she got off the phone with him my son D said “He’s a psychopath or Narcissist, I am glad that she saw he would never change, that his PROMISES are empty and is getting out now.”
My son’s friend made a miscalculation and a mistake in marrying this man, but she is not going to continue the abuse, or to listen to his EMPTY promises “forever.” She is done.
We all make miscalculations, make mistakes in judgment from time to time, but when we RECOGNIZE that the promises are just WORDS not ACTION we need the backbone to take ACTION of our own. I am so happy for this young woman that she has the courage and fortitude to do so. I wish more young women and men had such courage and used their strength in such positive ways.
My son at 31 still is not married, and he would like to be, but he is NOT “needy” for a relationship or marriage or children. When he DOES find the right woman, she will have a wonderful husband, but he will be VERY picky. The examples of his friends and his brother will be guides for his choices in partners. What more could I ask for in a son than for him to have the courage of his moral compas?
Hi everyone! I am new to this site but from what I have been reading I believe I should have been here long ago. I think I am involved with a P. I hear all the empty promises. That is what caught my attention. I feel like I am a shell of the person I used to be. When I met him I was strong, independent had just left a 20 year physically abusive marriage and had been going to counseling for a year. I felt very good about myself. Today my son is moving out and it is partially to do with me being involved with a P. I am so sad. My family and friends are far away because I have allowed it to happen. I hear his promise that he is going to pay me back all the money I have “lent” him. I hear the promise that he is going to quit drinking. I hear the promise that he is going to get all his bills paid off. I hear the promise that he is going to straighten himself out. I hear him say he is something that he shows he’s not. I keep hearing it but there is never any action taken on his part to follow through. I have been living a lie for 9 years now. I am still in a relationship with him although we are now living apart. I know I need help to get away from him.
Dear Shmg,
Yep you came to the right place, welcome. My biggst suggestion is that you READ and LEARN, there is a thread on here a few months back about “you have to save yourself”—and that is true. We WILL be here to help you and support you, but ONLY YOU can actually save yourself. Even if we were your personal friends in RL, still YOU would have to do the “saving”—
All of us here have gone through 1 or more BAD Psychopathic relationships of one form or another, so we DO understand where you are emotionally and mentally with this guy.
They are sooooo predictable in the paterns of their behaviors. And unfortunately, we too are predictable to some extent in that we all go through the GRIEF process, the kicking ourselves stage, the crying stage, the hating him and yet still wanting him back, ya da ya da ya da. BUT when we recognize that they have NO power over us except what WE GIVE THEM, then we can take back our power, heal ourselves and emerge on the other side more confident, stronger and not so vulneaable to another attack from another psychopath.
You have already made the first step—you have seen and acknowledged that his PROMISES ARE EMPTY. He will NEVER DO THEM. He will SAY but NOT DO.
The next step is NO CONTACT…cut him off, get OUT of the relationship. Whatever money you have “lent him” is probably gone, though once in a while you can get some or all of it back, but usually it isn’t even worth the effort to try.
He will NOT ‘play fair” and if he has been using you for support he will do or say ANYTHING to get you hooked again, so it is important for you NOT to listen to a word he says…IT IS ALL A LIE. HE IS A LIE.
If you have some of his “things” arrange to have someone else deliver them to him. Change your phone number, or do not answer it, NO MATTER WHAT. Do not read e mails, or listen to voice messages. If you must deal with him at all, deal with him through a third party.
Good luck to you, it isn’t an “easy” detachment, but it is in the end HEALING. You get your life back. Again, welcome.