Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
LilOrphan,
Fascinating. I can’t believe how many things have popped up here that I have come across. You mentioned the HSP personality type. I read that book! It caught my eye on a shelf and I bought it, “The HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON.” And someone else mentioned NVC (Non-violent Communication) which I have also read.
It’s like we are a composite of a certain kind of woman and the Bad Men are a composite of another kind. So many times I have seen people write, “Are you sure your man is not the same one I dated?” or something like that.
Anyway, I look forward to getting home (from my caring job… wink wink) to read what is going on here on the Blogs. What if we all wrote to Oprah to bring us together. Wouldn’t that be CRAZY?!
When I talk to my friends, I always mention “my ladies” at LoveFraud because as time goes by, and I read and read, you all become more and more three dimensional to me and your stories come to life. And I have also seen so many of you come to life in your words, encouraging others. It’s beautiful. We are moving forward. If you feel like you aren’t, stick with us, the tide will take you!
I am lonely still but I am strangely feeling happy. I think that is what it is.. I just feel different as I shake off this Bad Man thing. My eyes and ears have truly shifted and I feel like I have grown tremendously from this terrible experience and I finally have learend how to protect myself in the world. I didn’t know how to do that before.
alohatraveler,
Hmm, no I don’t think my husband enjoys recounting his misdeeds.
I have begged him for the truth, and the reason he is fessing up now is because he knows I will expose him to his new girlfriend if he doesn’t come clean. I am sick of wondering about everything. I am sick of wondering what really went on in the 18 years of my marriage. I am sick of wondering if this is all in my head. I would rather know the truth than wonder anymore.
So knowing is helping me let go.
Because why would I want to be with such a horrible person? Why would I be jealous of the woman he is with? I should feel sorry for her; she’s a vulnerable, single mom who has no idea what she’s getting into.
I’ve thought about warning her. But I realize that she probably wouldn’t believe me and even if she did I’m sure he’d convince her that he has changed. Not only that, I’m afraid that if I do expose him, he will get violent. He has said and done some things that have scared me and I realize that I can’t put anything past him. I think for me and my daughter, it is in our best interests for him to be happy.
Having at one time–in my case for a long time–felt so loved and cherished this is all some kind of schizophrenic experience I think. The longing for the illusion. The wishing things could be the way they seemed to be. The rejection, the shock, the anger, the sadness. There are so many conflicting emotions, and having been so thorougly duped, I think it just takes time to process it all.
As for the divorce settlement, yes, I am getting just about everything I want. We met one day last week and he pretty much agreed to everything I am asking for. He is highly motivated. He wants a divorce as soon as possible. He knows if he fights me it will cost a lot more in the long run, plus everything will take so much longer.
ML,
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
He is the lie. And my life is going to be so much better. Ten months ago I could hardly see how I could go on living. I wanted to drive somewhere and die.
And to think I for so long loved a man who could make me feel like that. I know he is evil. He appeared to be an angel, sometimes I almost thought he actually was. The duplicity is staggering. I know I need to forget trying to figure it out. He is darkness and it’s time to move into the light.
I just want to repeat something you said:
“He will never give you truth you need — he will only give you what he believes will get him what he wants, whenever he wants it for whatever reason he wants it. It’s who he is.”
You’re right. It is who he is. He is so very sick, and now I need to start filling the big hole he left in my life.
A bit of juvenile humor: I noticed many women referring to their bad man.
A shortened version is BM- that’s about right!
: )
Gillian, I read your story with aghast – the deceit and betrayal over so many years. For me the wreckage was contained within one year and I cant imagine how much devastation they cause longer term.
But one year or eighteen, as least you are getting out now and there will be no further wreckage backed up in your life – that was how I looked at it – when he went I thought ‘the abuse has stopped’, it was like silence returned after the storm. Personally I would have wanted to know all the details of the deceit, because I would rather know the worst, but I probably wont ever find out.
Alohatraveler – thank you – you made me smile with your comments.
Beverley,
I lost my eye in an accident when I was 4 years old. Six months later, my father died of a heart attack and my sister and I were brought up with a ?P/N mother. We suffered physchological torment for the next 34 years.
My encounter with another P three years ago forced me to examine everything in my life and why I was so vulnerable. I thought that I had come to terms with my childhood but it became abundantly clear to me that I was still suffereing from those early traumas. Taking the blame for everything when young had programmed me into always trying to appease and allow bad behaviour. When I met my husband, who is the exact opposite of a P, I finally felt ‘safe’ and I was but what I didn’t realise is that I still carried the baggage.
Now I have put firm boundries in place. I do not tolerate bad behaviour or rudeness from anyone and if I see that they can’t change I avoid them.
I think you need to know that you are not repsonsible for your parents behaviour and that you too are carrying the scars of their disorders. You have been a victim not a perpatrator and sadly ‘good’ people get taken for a ride. If you can improve your self esteem, you will be treated a lot better by everybody – good and bad. Bullies are cowads really.
Don’t despair, you just need to convince YOURSELF that you are as entitled as anyone else to love and respect.
Take care,
Swallow
Swallow. yes I thought I had offloaded my baggage years ago after therapy and I didnt realise it was still hiding within me and my time with the N just regurgitated it all – which is a good thing. I am sorry to hear you have suffered. In many of these writings the people have suffered on many different levels, not only with partners but family members, the very people you think have your best interests at heart.
I am planning to sell my home and move to a completely new area and new job. I am at that stage where I have set things in motion, but nothing is really happening. I am quite scared, of what I am planning, because I tried this before and I lost alot of money in making bad property moves at the wrong time and then lost my job. But I am in my mid fifties and if I dont do it now – I never will. Most of my life has been around caretaking others and taking the hard road to pay the bills. I plan to make life a little easier and brighter for myself and want to live somewhere healthier and near to the sea where I can go for walks on my own if need be. Because where I live there is nothing much to do. I had planned to move before I met the N, but his unexpected addvent into my life, just provided me with a massive detour. I have since realised that I should never have let him distract me from my dreams. However, leaving this house will incorporate leaving a whohle lot of baggage as well. The previous owner of this house and her husband were into swinging and when her husband went off with the other woman, the wife committed suicide here in the house.
I have decided that where there is life, there is always hope and whatever time I have left, I plan to make something of it. When things start moving I will be completely absorbed in that. I have also decided that I am going to try for work that is not so responsible and perhaps not even in the kind of care work I do. I think, well, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone somewhere better. I have have plans to create a ‘magical garden’ in my new home and somewhere in that garden will be a tribute to the people on this site. Thank you so much for your support and sharing your story.
On another note, I listen to Chill DAB, and there are some really good songs by women. One starts off ‘like a cloud ushered in by wind, you are just a reaction to my confusion – a hybrid of hundreds of troubles – people felt us connect and ran for shelter..-you catch me on the line – cutting the voltage to your power line. You came to me like a realisation – there are blackouts in the air tonight, an evident lack of light tonight’. You cannot affect me, I feel no electricity, you cannot control me, etc ..’ This song makes me shudder when I listen to it.
beverley,
The move is a great idea, get away from all the associations and bad memories. It doesn’t matter what age you are to start again as long as you are happy within yourself and know what you want.
Swallow
What I keep finding amazing on this site is the cookie cutter behavior of these N’s. I too did not know about these types of people until despair pushed me to search for answers. Recently split, I have been reading a lot of the N site and read about how an N would likely react when abanonded. Ambient abuse and abuse by proxy, “getting” to all you close friends and preempting your side of the story with his heavily edited and sanitized version, portraying himself as the victim, the abandoned one, and HE LOVES ME SO MUCH!! Other than my sister and my daughter I have heeded the advise on this site and not tried to convince my friends of what he is, on the contrary, I have told them that I cannot speak about him, because they would then be stuck trying to figure out which one of us is lying. Also, keeping his secrets for him at present is the only defense I have against his rage. He has threatened to cut me off with NOTHING after 29 years and two children together. (he brought assets into our marriage and his hotshot lawyer says he owes me nothing, which is supported by the law )
In any event, he has behaved EXACTLY as these sites predict, suddenly taking a great interest in talking to everyone, when in fact he has always been very self contained and disparraged most of these people. He fervently claims he wants me back, (after just reconciling from a previous split last year and after a teeny “honeymoon” period, immediately devaluing me again, only more so
). I am following the advice of another post here and feeding him just enough “supply” (e-mail only) to buy myself the time to win. After the initial period of rage and anger at his manipulation and disrespect, his callous disregard for my needs and interests, I am now in the “sad” period, mourning the loss of what I thought was my history of the last 29 years, a loving partner, dedicated to his family, the man I would grow old with and so on. The added agony of having him convince my friends that I am the callous and selfish one, discarding a loving and good man, is of course a tragic irony and a bitter pill to swallow.
Even tho I am in therapy, this site is so enormously helpful, daily. It is so easy to capitulate to the confusion of their lies, the “hollowgramm” they hold out as the life you could be having, if only you would forgive their indiscretions one more time, have faith in their love, let them “take care” of you.
Thanks to his machinations I am stuck in an immigration nightmare – am trying to carry the family farm without enough hellp or resources, and have no money for badly needed legal advice. I am sure when he is not feeling sorry for himself he is enjoying every minute of watching me struggle with my predicament. He has always made sure it would be very hard to leave him.
But! Despite all this I have more peace in my life now than I have in many many years. I am free of the presence of his inner conflict, which sucked all the air out of the room. I am free to dream my own dreams and make my own decisions, to laugh without him killing the joke, to cry without him scorning me. He will always be a prisoner of his own twisted reality. I wish him no harm, and do have empathy for the hell his life must be. But really feeling sorry for him would be akin to pitying the python, as it struggles to digest the lamb it swallowed whole.
Wow! What an amazing thread — and what amazing people you all are.
Free — that is one awesome list. Thank you so much for sharing it. Very powerful.
IN our sharing, in our shared pain, and our shared joy, we build bridges of understanding that ignite our imaginations and inspire each of us to claim our right to be — Magnificent beings of light.
Thank you everyone — you are awesome.
ML
To HolyWaterSalt,
I did notice that Bad Man could be nicely encapsulated with the abbreviation “BM” and I use this when I write with another reader here via email. I started saying “Bad Man” before I came to this site because I couldn’t stand to hear his name come out of my mouth… plus we are not allowed to say their full names… I don’t think.
I will admit, I am tickled to see Bad Man sprinkled about the site but I also wonder if I am setting a bad idea in my head… that all men are Bad. Well, too late now.
Still, I actually feel a pang of guilt using BM as I think it is cruel to refer to a human being as excriment… See how we are?! I guess this is what separates me and you from Sociopaths. He called me plenty of names and yet, I don’t feel totally okay with refering to him simply as BM.
Now I see BM as a tragic character (and an incredibly mean one too). I think that it is terribly sad that there are human being like this. But don’t worry, I am long done with thinking I could help this person or have any impact on him in any way. He’s gone.