Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
I am still in my marriage. Did any of you consider ever staying and trying to help partner with these problems? Sometimes it seems like he sees the disapproval in my face over something he might be saying, and he will modify what he says to make himself look better. Sometimes not. What I’m saying is, sometimes I think he realizes his mode of communication is really problematic, but he doesn’t have the tools to change it.
He promised me: emotional fidelity, an adoption, more of his time/energy in the relationship. He already broke the first promise twice, the second one once, and I’m waiting for delivery on the third. He’s not a BM, truly, but there’s just so much lacking as well? How do I know how serious this is?
There has been verbal abuse in the past, but not since he ended the affair and I threatened to leave. He can see his wrongs – can he change them? Mostly I just feel like he is absent from the relationship (my worry is that he’s a narcissist, not a sociopath) – he’s not engaged in US unless he has time and he feels so inclined. Otherwise, i’m on my own.
I’ve been reading for about 8 weeks, thank you to all of you! Without you… I would have gone crazy trying to figure out what happened. Your writing is beautiful. I was out of town for 2 days and I just wanted to get home so I could read this blog… even though you don’t know me (I am not a good writer)… i missed all of you.
ML – I was always telling myself that I should not be hurt by his inattention (or hurt for any reason), I was a zombie.
Our site is chock full of these stories, yet people continue to be seduced by advertising for Online Dating sites and going online.
Even background checks aren’t sufficient. These guys are skilled with NLP & seduction techniques that will knock your socks off.
We have stories that will rip you apart, one of a guy who befriended a girl online when she was only 14 – and waiting until she was 19 to start the love & sex talk; one of a guy who preys on women recovering from prescription drug problems; one of a guy who preyed on a woman he knew over 30 years and her friends (now who would think to check on someone you’ve known since high school??) – Ed Hicks, who is profiled here on Lovefraud was the first person we profiled on our site almost 4 years ago.
Google them and read every single entry no matter how trite or unrelated. And don’t trust anyone you haven’t met physically or spent significant face time with. And finally, online love is rare and the dangers are simply too great.
Behind a keyboard, they can be anyone they want to be.
Tmassar-
Please keep reading. There are some good blogs out there, research, google “narc attack” –Kathy is excellent. Read her book, the Sociopath Next door esp. etc.
For me- the huge wake up call has been “why is OK for anyone to be cruel to me?” Why would I work overtime to make them OK? Why do I give some one multiple chances to abuse me?
It was difficult, but empowering as hell– to say: NO F—–g More.
I am at this stage of really seeing what I put up with my entire life from a variety of folks, esp. the psycho.I felt lonely and devaestated as hell, but I GOT BETTER. I just had to go through a lot suffering and what I thought was loneliness…When I was with the psychos/narcissists in my life I was
not in the company of friends and family–I was just food.
So I can’t say going no contact with them made me lonely or alone…I had been far worse with them for a long , long time.
Take a little time and care for you; once I achieved a little self respect and belief in me– I popped- just happened one day- and exiled them all.
‘
It is a process, but as time goes by I am not sorry in the least little bit-
I ‘d not sacrifice myself again for abuse in return again. No one was beating me, they were JUST verbally and mentally abusing…tried to make me think I was the disordered one….
Judge actions, not words.
Tmassar,
I would hazard a guess there is not one person on this site who didn’t stay because they thought they could help him with the problems.
We all did it Tmassar — for me, I stayed 4 years 9 months — and I almost died. If the police hadn’t arrested him one sunny May morning in 2003, I wouldn’t be alive today. I believed I could help him change. He told me he wanted to change and that he could do it with my help.
And through it all, I avoided asking Holywatersalt’s questions: “Why is it OK for him to be cruel to me? Why am I giving him multiple chances to abuse me?”
The sociopath formerly in my life was not physically violent — lots of threats of it and one incident (which I’m not downplaying, it was significant and had it happened earlier in the relationship I probably would have seen it for the sign it was) — most of his abuse was mental. Like your husband, he was unfaithful, seldom turned up in person, lots and lots of broken promises.
Rather than asking ‘can I help him’? have you asked yourself — am I helping myself, loving myself, caring for myself by staying in this relationship? How much energy am I willing to give to a relationship that hurts me? How much energy am I willing to expend on a man who lies to me, cheats on me, is untrustworthy, I cannot count on to be there when I need him, etc.
For me, in that relationship I spent so much time thinking about him, I avoided giving my attention to the one person who needed my attention most — ME.
In the end, I became very, very sick. To heal, I needed radical therapy to remove the cancer that was eating me up alive. I needed to be free of him.
Tmassar, we make vows, committments and believe we must uphold them, stay true to them. And that is important.
however, when the party with whom we are in relationship breaks every vow and commitment we’ve made, I believe all bets are off. It is imperative to look at the cost keeping that vow is taking upon us when the other person continuously undermines every aspect of our vows together.
The sociopath formerly in my life made 1,001 promises to change, to do things differently. I too made a list of the three things he had to do to show me he was committed to working on our relationship — and that he was willing to change the behaviours that were so destructive to both our relationship and my peace of mind.
He broke the first commitment he made the very first night. And then he kept on breaking the others.
And I let him. In my mind I told myself — he promised to do these things. I have to be patient, and loving, with him. I have to keep loving him so he will feel secure enough, strong enough, confident enough to make the changes necessary for our relationship to work.
What was I smoking?
Those were some mighty powerful drugs whatever they were because the truth is — he had absolutely no intention of keeping his commitments. He didn’t have to. I had committed to love him, to help him, to stand beside him. He didn’t have to do anything because he knew he had me right where he needed me — focussed on the commitment he’d made to change. With my attention on his words, I avoided looking at his actions, and inactions, and thus avoided taking the actions necessary to save my own life.
Free of him — I no longer accept the unacceptable. I no longer allow someone else’s bad behaviour to give meaning to my life. I no longer allow abuse in my life.
I can’t stop, nor change, an abuser. I can stop abuse from happening in my life by focussing my attention on who I am, what I want in my life, my values, beliefs and principles. I can keep myself free of abuse by treating myself with tender loving care. I deserve it.
Take good care of yourself Tmassar. Whatever letter of the alphabet you give his bad behaviour, whether he is a sociopath, a narcissist, a bully or just a cheating BM with bad attitude, the label will not change the wrongness of what he is doing. You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. You do not deserve to be abused.
ML
Shabbychic,
Keep reading, learning, growing and sharing. Doesn’t matter how ‘well’ you write, it is that you write it out, get it out, express it, name it — and let it go.
And yup — the zombie. Been there. Done that. Had the eyes to tell the tale.
We have to become zombies to convince ourselves we’re safe when inside we know we’re not.
The beauty of freedom is — I create a world of safety for myself by consciously walking through each moment filling my life with beauty. I create world around me that reflects my values, beliefs, principles — and I surround myself with people I trust and love and who treat me with the same loving care and respect I treat them.
Keep reading and sharing Shabbychic. You’re worth it!
ML
M.L. ~
“What was I smoking?” I love it!!!! I am at the point where looking back, it seems so absurd!
It was our own personal integrity that kept us shackled to a person fully and completely lacking any sense of the word. But they knew this about us, didn’t they?
Tmassar ~
Yes, we considered staying to help those poor dears. The loss we feel is in direct relation to the time we gave to them. I believe, if you are here, you are with one of them. I know of no other relationship problem that leads people to search for answers like this.
Just leave. The sooner the better. The longer you stay, the more you will lose of you. Get rid of that man. Life will begin anew as soon as you do.
It is guaranteed that he will cry, he will punish, he will pull out all the stops, flowers, pouting, promises, accusations, blame on you…. all these things and then some and the result will be the same. You will lose. He will not. He will replace you with as much thought as tossing out a used Kleenex.
I am sorry to say that. Remember.. it’s not about you.
And there is NOTHING you can do to heal a black hole. I can bet that thinking of another human being this way is against your nature. That is why he chose you; he instinctively knows this.
I wish you wellness.
Aloha.. E.R.
hi all loved reading the above blogs. i am in the middle of no contact this is made easier by the fact he has replaced me with another victim, so he doesnt really need to contact me a tthe moment anyway. what i want to ask if anyone here knows is while i am not contacting him does he think about me wonder why i am not contacting or what im doing or who ia m with ect. i really want to know if he does. i just find it hard to believe even though he acts so dedicated to the new love in his life as he will be cause its new, i dont think that is all thats going on in his mind. his mind seemed to me to have a million things going on at once most of the time, even though the girl thinks he only thinks about her. i feel totally disregarded when he starts something new and ignores me and i know he will be using all the things i taught him on her, like how to be romantic and what nice places to go and nice things to do ect. anyway can anyone help me if they know the answer to this question or think they know. look for ward to your responses.
Tmassar,
I endured the abuse of a sociopath when I was a child and therefore could spot them from a mile away. However, five years ago I met a man who set off all those red flags, but still I knew he wasn’t a complete sociopath. That knowledge cost me 3 years of my life, because he turned out to be a narcissist. I kept on making excuses for him, thinking he would change, and he said he wanted to, just for me. I gained weight, lost every iota of self-esteem I had and felt guilty about pretty much everything I did. I hit rock bottom.
My point is, you can not force another adult to change their behavior. Although they might say a million times that they want to and make a million promises, this is only a way to keep you quiet about the abuse you’re enduring. It’s true isn’t it? We want so bad for them to change that their saying that they’re willing to with a smile on their face is enough to make us happy and hope again that finally things will turn out alright.
Think about it. Why would he want to change now? He has you to love him, take care of him, endure his bad behavior and forgive his infidelity. If he has you to do all that for him, why would he want to give that up? He can just keep you around by making false promises and knows that he doesn’t even have to keep them.
Maybe you can sense that he has a little glimmer of a conscience hidden in there somewhere. I know I did. But just because he is not completely inhuman, is that a reason to endure psychological torment? You deserve better than the worst thing you can stand. The fact that you’re here, like Aloha said, is a testament to your anguish.
I left my N two years ago and I routinely tell my friends that it was the best choice I ever made. When you leave, you will discover a self that you completely forgot, maybe never even knew existed. When I left, I was directionless. He took all my ambition and self respect away from me, but I have since gained it back, and then some. I am now happily married in a relationship that I didn’t even think could be possible. My husband is caring, giving, loyal and sensitive. The exact opposite of my N. After enduring that nightmare, sometimes I have to pinch myself.
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. That is the bottom line. Just think, if you directed all the love, caring and devotion that you waste on him to yourself, how much more at peace you would be.
Jules-
We are objects to them. Please think about the attachment you have to an empty milk carton–you keep the full one, but if it gets mad (sour) you throw it out. Once they suck the life out of us, they discard. We might as well exist, but if it is consoling to you …yes, I would say they do not forget their tastes, appetite for the NS we provide.
I have to endure my psycho sitting within feet of me, staring at me on a regular basis..psycho whips their head around everytime I turn. They are at a new low even for them, I am just old supply. They are trying to squeeze a bit of attention out of me, but it occured to me when I strayed ever so briefly into the thought “they’re sorry” ….if they were they wouldn’t sit/stare at me–they’d give me peace. Mine could never, ever utter a word of apology ….
I am not me to them, I am someone who once care for them. I gave them attention, nothing more. In fact as I think and replay their behavior they would regularly let me know I was “nothing.” I have emails I reread to remind me they think I am nothing. I suggest you remind yourself somehow that your narcissist/psycho thinks of you as supply- nothing more.
It hurts like hell, but the alternative– is much worse. If I gave them attention, they would crush me like newly harvested grapes, b/c that’s what I would be. Enough with my silly food metaphors. : )