Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Ariadne, ML, Holywatersalt:
I can’t thank you all enough for your support. You are all SO correct in identifying the kind of people we are (kind, giving, generous, full of empathy) – not to say we’re flawless, but so full of that supply.
My H is such a sad person…last night he expressed his anxieties to me and he was so kind…This kind of nice, vulnerable behavior (and fun, too I might add) can go on for quite some time before something explosive will interrupt us. How do I know this isn’t just a normal marriage? So MUCH seems fine to me. Yet you are all correct in saying that I sought out this site for a reason.
I actually DID start to find the real me again after he had his emotional affair. I broke for a while (went on pills, am seeing therapist), but I got better in part by making demands of him. I also reconnected with my family, paying no attention to the fact that he didn’t want me to tell them about any of his behaviors. Now I confide in my mom & sister all the time and I don’t give a damn what he thinks. My mother is visiting this week and for the first time EVER, I am NOT NERVOUS about her presence in our house because I finally have nothing to hide from her. I don’t have to defend him anymore! Can I re-make this relationship if I insist that my needs are met and respected? Nobody has EVER made him see that this is the only way… You can tell from this that I’m just not convinced that I won’t regret leaving – this is somebody who has also helped me reach my potential in my career and I can not say all bad things about him, by any stretch..Bear with me while I try to sort this out.
Aloha — “It is guaranteed that he will cry, he will punish, he will pull out all the stops, flowers, pouting, promises, accusations, blame on you”. all these things and then some and the result will be the same. You will lose. He will not. He will replace you with as much thought as tossing out a used Kleenex.”
Yup!!!! Wish I’d had shares in Scotties Little Tissues — I’d be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams for the number of times I was replaced by him and all the Kleenex I used crying over his bad behaviours.
Tmassar — We all needed time to sort it out. You are emotionally connected — a tough place to be when dealing with someone else’s bad behaviour. I am delighted to hear you are not covering up for his BB — that’s huge. Good for you.
Keep reading, learning, growing. While you may not be convinced you won’t regret leaving, the alternative is you also don’t know if you will regret staying. We truly don’t know the outcome of our actions until we take them. For me, I feared regretting leaving him so much I stayed and stayed. Once I was free, I regretted not leaving all those times I said and would.
LOL — in the end, I have no regrets. What I learned on that journey has given me this opportunity to live my beautiful life today free of regret.
I can’t change how long I stayed. Can’t change what I did and didn’t do. I can accept what happened without regret and soar today in the freedom of being all of me. That’s powerful for me!
Jules — for me, No Contact also had to be instituted in my thinking. I had to commit to not thinking about him, including not thinking about what he’s thinking, doing or saying.
Does he miss you? Does he miss the toaster when it’s not plugged in? Does he miss the fridge when it’s closed?
Whatever he’s thinking, doing, or saying — as long as you let your mind come in contact with thinking about him, you are falling into the trap of his disorderly conduct controlling your thinking.
Give yourself the gift of cutting off your thinking about what he’s doing, and open yourself up to the beauty of you!
You deserve your undivided attention. You deserve your tender loving care. You deserve to give yourself the love you so deserve.
One thing I have learned — I can’t read anyone’s mind, sociopath or not. So, I focus on my thinking and leave others up to their own thinking.
Let go of thoughts of him Jules. Turn up for you in all your pain, sorrow, fear — and BEAUTY — and breathe.
As so many have written, This too shall pass.
And holywater — I love the food metaphors!
ML
Tmassar,
The way you describe him, I don’t think your husband is a full-fledged sociopath. He sounds just like my ex-N. I think one of the most diffucult things with a relationship like this is the feeling that even though you may suffer a lot in the marriage, deep down he is not evil. He is a hurt little puppy in need of care that just happens to bite you very often! I think the mistake that caring women make is taking his life on as a responsibility. WE try to help him be a better person. WE try to make him feel better about himself. WE try to help him realize his full potential. We forget that he is a grown man and if he wanted to do all these things, he would. But he doesn’t need to because he has us to do everything for him. That is part of the reason your husband chose you, because of your nurturing nature. He knew (maybe subconsciously) that you would take responsibility for his behavior and take care of him at the same time.
I know it is hard to deal with, but I must tell you from experience, he will not change. This might not sink in for some time because it takes time to be able to see things clearly. You have to be willing to give up the fantasy that he is going to change very soon and you can begin living happily ever after like you are supposed to. You must end your denial of the reality that faces you. I know that it is really really difficult. The fact that you are still asking about whether the relationship can be salvaged shows that you have not accepted this yet. I am not sure what you want us to tell you or what answers you are searching for. It seems like you have really suffered as a result of this relationship but are still clinging to some faint hope. It is good that you are seeing a therapist because paying attention to your own needs right now is really important. If you continue to do this, things will become clear to you.
Keep the focus on yourself and give yourself all the love you deserve. I think starting on Free’s list might help you strengthen your sense of self which will only do you good. We will be here to support you every step of the way.
I kind of sympathised with my exN and I thought why should all the well adjusted people have all the good breaks – damaged people need love too. I knew he was badly abused as a child and thought, well he doesnt get drunk, doesnt hit women, ‘appears’ to be decent – he must have it well under control. I even said to him ‘the practicalities of my life are well sorted – have my own place etc – why dont you use me as a base to improve yourself, save money etc. Instead he bit me and It has been hard to come to terms with how I was responsible for allowing that. On the first meeting with him, I was dubious, he had an air of cruelty about him. But his words were silky and I was taken in by his verbal show. I hadnt been with anyone for 16 years and was desperate for male company and I was very open with him – I think he saw me coming – infact he said that on first sight of me ‘he knew I was THE ONE’. His well honed radar was working well that day. I was naive and well intentioned. Some weeks previously I had met someone else who was into S&M and turned him down, but must have weakened – blast, if only I had kept up my defences.
In future If I get into a relationship, it WILL be with someone who relatively well adjusted – and I will not be taking on any more lame ducks or losers, I have wasted too much of my life for that and I have nothing to show for it. If I am going to value myself, I will be looking at things more as an investment, you invest in me and I will think about investing in you. But I wont invest in them with verbal promises. Action is the key and even then it will have to be consistent and ongoing and proven!
tmassar, your situation sounds similar to the marriage I was in. I thought I could help him. He made many many promises over 18 yrs that he did not keep. I went into counseling and took paxil in the middle of the marriage. I couldn’t see he was the reason I needed to do that. My counselor said he was a N, but I didn’t research it, so I didn’t “get it”. And also one word DENIAL. When I asked him to come with me he told me-no, you’re the one with the problem, not me. When I started seeing the same counselor again last year after he left me, she said she had seen the N, but not the S because I wasn’t seeing it. I hadn’t told her some of what was going on in the marriage the first time because I was protecting my poor, abused as a child, misunderstood husband. After his last fiasco, I had had enough and became stronger in the sense I started holding him accountable for some of his decisions and behaviors. His response was to manipulate his way into a new life that he said was all for our son and me. When he got it, he threw us out like yesterday’s garbage. Thank God that he did.
Yesterday one of my sister-in-laws said to me that she thinks this is the best thing that could of happened to me. She said she doesn’t know what he was doing to me, but I’m a different person now. So much stronger and more confident. I don’t always see it or feel it, but apparently it’s quite noticeable.
Thank you to everyone here. You are all helping me in my healing process.
Ariadne – all of you – you give so much good advice. And you are so kind. I agree – he’s not a sociopath but rather a narcissist – and one who is trying very hard to defeat his demons, for himself and for me.
Tryingtorecover – like you, I’m now on Paxil and in therapy, following his emotional affair. He has tremendous guilt and say he knows he caused these consequences for me. Even there though – there is full accountability at times, but at other times he wants to stress to me that “it wasn’t as serious as I thought” – ie,, I made too big a deal out of it. I won’t stand for it.
The idea of his being an N is so new to me – the idea that this is a sort of pathological condition. I saw it, yet I didn’t. It’s ironic that as I embark on this whole journey, writing on these blogs and seeking those like me, he has never been kinder to me – helping with dinner/dishes/garbage, affectionate, everything I could want in a partner? Did I only imagine all the rest, or is it all going to go to hell again one day, when he is stressed, or when I am, or something else goes wrong?
ML – you are right, I am so emotionally connected. I get a lot out of this relationship – i am HAPPY in these moments of peace. But I am desperately unhappy when the peace isn’t there – there has to be a middle-ground. It can’t all be either ecstasy or crushing pain..I continue to ponder.
My mother is visiting. She has been through some very similar stuff (specifically emotional affair) – I am hoping she can provide me some wisdom from the outside too.
I thank you all for letting me share – I’m sorry I’ve been unable to offer much to any of you at this point (I’m as self-absorbed as H right now!!)..you are remarkable, all of you for having the strength that I’m only starting to find.
tmasser – I too was in a relationship that every time I got to the point I couldnt take his lies, cheating, deceptions – he would suddenly turn into the most perfect man any woman could want. For several months even, he would treat me wonderfully – we had so much fun and truly in those times I was happier than ever with any man.
It seemed like it could only stay normal and happy for about 3 months and then another occurance would happen on his part – where he would be caught cheating, or disappear and become very cold to me or cause some sort of big disruption in our relationship – and it usually was something very painful to me.
I realized tho I loved him and on one side felt very happy – that over the years emotionally and physically I could not ride that rollercoaster and stay healthy. I happened to choose to break it off (for the 4th time) during a time of calmness – because anytime I ended it during a huge problem, he told me I was just reacting emotionally and I didnt mean it. He would be right, and I would end up coming back and we’d try again based on all his promises that he was done with other women. I believe he enjoyed creating the drama and seeing what I would do with it all. He would reel me in, then do something horrible and let me wallow around in hurt, deciding to stay or leave or forgive and forget…. it became like clockwork.. all to the detriment of my health. I am now dealing with what I believe is stress related health issues – thanks to him.
The last time I ended it – I was so physically and emotionally broken by his patterns – that I have managed to stay away. I ended it with a calm talk and asking him to please not contact me. So far he has tried a little but I’ve been able to stick to my guns and let it go. You will always miss the good times but you have to know that they work in cycles and its not something I want to bear, only to have the few nice times in between.
Once you are able to make a decision – you will slowly begin to feel your old self again. This website has been of great help it is very healing reading others advice and stories. You are not alone.
ml and hollywaters. thank you for your support i am trying so hard and i am getting it slowly it takes time. i am thinking about me andmy life a lot at the moment its just those odd moments that het creeps into my mind i find it easier to not like him now espec he has found another one of his victims, hes had several since we split where i have only had one not that serious encounter. i am trying to meet new people i m doint internet dating. i havent got many friends cause of past marriage break up and the s n episode. but i am finding many guys on t he internet have hang ups about past relationships or marriages and just hang ups about woman in general so i dont think this is the best place for me to meet men or just friends. i am thinking about looking for a church group as i thought maybe the people here might be more adjusted and caring, i am not really religious but i am spiritual and from what i have learned just know alot aobut life and treating people right. do you think this is a good idea. i have read that some s p s use religion as a cover though and have read about that on here so im not sure i just want to get in contact with people the right sort of people but not sure how or what group is best. its hard isnt it.
Jules-
You might guess from my pseudonym- I am religious- met my latest narcissists and psychopaths in Church. 🙂
That said– I think INternet dating is not such a great idea either, I think at best it’s a waste of time. As far as church, yes attend…but don’t think a religious affliation makes someone more desirable or holier….dear God that is not so. Test whomever you meet- take your time.
Go to a lot of different functions, and be willing to move on if you see ANY red flags.
I will pray for you.
HWS
Jules,
As far as I know, I was one of the longest relationships the Bad Man had since his divorce. A woman that dated the Bad Man after me for 5 months told me he never mentioned me. Not on the radar at all.
I would guess that your ex does not think about you. Be glad. And then return the favor to him. :o)
Remember, it doesn’t mean you aren’t great, and memorable and have wonderful qualities. It means that at present moment, you are of no USE to him. Some of these guys are freaky stalkers. Mine did that sometimes. Count yourself lucky if he isn’t thinking of you. TRULY.
I would bet you are wondering about this because you are still attached to those special “moments” you shared.. the ones that felt ideal to you.. or you are attached to the love you poured out on this person that was exploiting you. It is painful to think that we gave our very best and cared very much for a BLACK HOLE, isn’t it?
I think we do this because we are not loving ourselves and we think, “Just as soon as I can get someone to love me, then I WILL LOVE ME… because I need the validation of a man to assure me that I am loveable because without that validation.. I am not entirely sure.” I hope this doesn’t offend anyone but I am willing to stand up and say, “Hi. I was doing that. TOTALLY.”
Remember my picture I called “pretending to be happy”? As lame as it is, I will admitt EXACTLY what I was up to at that moment. I was trying to show the Bad Man what a delightful, loving woman I was… so that he would STOP ABUSING ME. It didn’t work.
Just like he manipulated me, I guess I was trying the same on him. I pretended that I was having the best time in the world with him. I was pretending we were the happiest couple in the world. I was pretending that I wasn’t in emotional anguish over his latest round of attacks on my character and my spirit. In fact, if I remember correctly, my “pretending to be happy” photo was taken just a few days after getting back together after a 30 day break up where I would not speak to him and he attacked me over and over via email and I blocked a total of 20 email address because he kept creating new one to get through his hateful messages… and then… I WAS PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY!
This was 6 months in to the nightmare which was escalating and getting worse by the minute. I already had more than enough information to know that this man was DANGEROUS…. especially to me and my emotional well being. I was a total basket case at that point. :o(
When you are wondering if he is thinking of you, are you wondering if he is missing all that love you poured out on him? If you are, then this is about wondering why you were not enough.
The answer is… YOU ARE ENOUGH!… but he is a Sociopath.