Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
holy water and aloha; thank you both. aloha i dont think i didnt love my self when i met him i did i just wanted to have a relationship which i think evry normal human wants really. and i also think they does think about us i think they think too much and all the time i think it is part of the illness they have from what i have read. i would say just cause they dont mention us to a nother woman they are with doesnt prove a darn thing why would they say anything to her aobut us it would only get her thinking. and he doesnt want that now does he. the only time my ex mentioned his then ex was in conversation i was digging and he let things slip out . but little did i know he was in contact wit her at the time and he still didnt say much to me so not saying anything doesnt prove much . i guess i do want to know cause i still miss him, but also as i am healing i want to know more about how the mind of these people works, but thanks for your in put i do a gree with some things you said though like the photo thing i have one like that too it was taken the night we had a big blow up and in the photo we both look so in love. ironic. holy water thank you so much for saying that you would pray 4 me. i have been praying too i think i need all the help i can get. i think i will look into some church groups. thanks ag ain.
The more I read, the more awed I become. Every male sociopath described in these blogs sound like my ex, and I keep thinking he’s cloned himself. But, Beverly, let me tell you that these past few weeks have been very, very difficult for me. Last October, when I realized the full depth of his deception and lies, I became suicidal. My saving grace was my daughter, who lost her father from a brain aneurysm in April 2006. When a friend I worked with heard me say that I wanted to just take some pills, go to sleep and never wake up, she alerted our Human Resources Department. My boss and the Director of HR met with me to tell me how I was part of this “family” and the company wanted to make sure I was taking advantage of the employee assistance program, blah, blah, blah.
The problem? My boss is a big-time Scientologist. I mean, big-time. Like Tom Cruise, big time. And Scientologists DO NOT believe in mental illness of any kind. So, even as he sat in this meeting with the Director of HR encouraging me to seek counseling, etc., upon our return to our department, my boss immediately urged me to NOT to seek help through a therapist. He said that counselors are too quick to medicate people and that psychotropic drugs are nothing more than a profit margin for the pharmaceutical companies, blah, blah, blah. When I told him that I preferred to learn how to deal with my emotions without the assistance of medication if I could, I would not hesitate to take such meds if it would stop me from hurting myself because I had my daughter to think about.
Well, less than three months after this happened, and two days after I put in a claim for short-term disability, I was fired.
My daughter is now living 500 miles away with my mom because I was too emotionally unstable to care for her.
And, since being fired, I have not heard from anyone I worked with who claimed they were my friends. I know that my now-former boss advised everyone that all phone calls or emails received from me were to be referred to him. But, he can only control them during work hours. It has left me feeling like everyone in my life for the past 5 years, everyone who expressed concern or support for me, was lying.
I’ve been questioning a lot of things. A friend, now a former coworker, told me that one “complaint” she heard about me was that I am intimidating, that I don’t play politics, that I say what I feel, and that perhaps I need to “tone it down.” I question my own judgment, and it has made it very difficult for me to seek new work because I’m so shaky about myself.
And, for those of you wondering: yes, I filed a complaint with the state’s Equal Rights Commission (which serves as a clearinghouse for the Federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission), and the agency has filed a charge of discrimination against the company.
Despite all this, I’m alone, and there are times when the emptiness and loneliness almost overwhelm me.
Sorry to be so long-winded today. I just wanted Beverly to know that she is not alone when she questions why she is here. For me, I’m here because my daughter needs me and she loves me. And if there’s one good thing that will come out of all this, it’s that I am open and honest with my daughter and when she grows up, she will be more aware — and, therefore, more wary — of empty promises and false bravado.
Thanks to everyone. I don’t read the blog every day, but every time I do, I gain a little more strength from each of you. And I thank you all for the support system!
“i feel totally disregarded when he starts something new and ignores me and i know he will be using all the things i taught him on her, like how to be romantic and what nice places to go and nice things to do ect. anyway can anyone help me if they know the answer to this question or think they know. look for ward to your responses.”
jules i don’t think it is necessarily true that he will use things you taught him on her. as i see it you were trying to produce romance because of a total lack thereof from him. think about it- everyone knows how to buy roses, go out to a nice restaurant, take a walk on a moonlitbeach, (and sociopaths definately know how to flatter and charm) …. you didn’t really teach him anything. if he was unwilling to spend money on you or be romantic with you he will be the same with his next victim. he knows his routine and tactics far better than you and has an army of tricks up his sleeve and being romantic isn’t one of them.
i have found that getting over my regret and the emotional effect but at the same time learning as much as possible so i can spot a new sociopath is really hard. but try not to dwell on him. it sounds off but MYOB is the best policy. he will be discovered just like he was with you. we all have to work on our own lives.
Pokeybanana – Like you, I am regarded at my place of work as being antagonistic, confrontational. Infact, when I am in a meeting with my superior, they usually summon another person to sit in. I speak my mind, (sometimes) and usually respectfully. But I realise that is part of my nature. Not that I want to ‘row’ in opposition to everyone else, but what I find is that if you are in an organisation that sincerely respects the attributes and opinions of you as an individual, a leader, a catalyst, then you do not have to fight your way through. Dont let other’s labels bring you down. If it wasnt for the outspoken ones, some things would never change. Look upon this quality as a plus, you just need to be in the right place for that to be honoured. Yes it threatens the status quo and yes they can put you on the edge of the group, but I have spent years trying to reshape myself into something I am not. Probably part of the trouble I bent myself out of shape to accommodate a narcissistic man.
What I am realising is that having realised that my father was also an narcissist has dredged up alot of pain for me. Couldnt explain as a child, how he used to make me feel so mad, whilst he sat me down and explained how he plumbed a house and what the best music was – I was just narcissistic supply to him, a ready made audience and I used to travel long distance in my teens to visit him. He said he cared (by letter) never verbally, but the fact is that he never did a thing to care for me, walking out when I was 6 and this dysfunction in my life has tainted my whole life. I have become so independent to the point of loneliness. Its just the whole scenario with the N has brought the whole lot up and I realise how my life has been so limited and full of burden.
I felt utter despair and I think I have felt like that since I was a child off and on. At 55 yrs of age, I am suddenly realising that I never loved myself because I never knew how to and because of that the universe has mirrored nothing back to me. When the ex N came along, I talked myself into taking him on, but I also sense that as an opportunist that i was ripe for the picking.
Somehow I have to learn to love myself, the quality that many people who have had good family backgrounds thrive on naturally. To me this feels unnatural, I have never had it and because I am a strong woman, I have been used and abused over the years in different ways, because I am also a generous, conscientious person. What I realise also is that I have spent most of my life caretaking everyone else and I have perpetually been at the bottom of my own list – never making it to the top.
This has been an immense wake up call for me, from the bottom of my soul and I am still struggling with coming to terms with the rawness of it all. I have cried more in the last two years than I have cried in the whole of my life and the last bit of joy I had was 20 years ago. I am trying to make changes in my life and I hope that this year will be a turning point. Like others here, I still have that magic fantasy that the right man will somehow fill the void, make things right, but I know that is not right.
I had female surgery about 5 years ago and was really out of it from the anthesia. I remember trying to dress myself and my hubby laughing as I put my underwear on backwards. Once at home, I asked him to make me some soup (I was very groggy still) and he called me a b*tch because I interupted his television watching. I am so glad I walked out on him and took the car that he was refusing to pay on (I had co-signed) and my old car and traded them both in on a brand new car for me. He is now having to walk or bum rides and my divorce hearing is scheduled for April 1st. I am no longer sad about the breakup. He was a jerk, lied, cheated, used crack and was violent. He is now going to be left with nothing, and while it is sad, it is his own fault.
I was in that same situation with 3 jerks in 4 years. They thought they were going to treat me like a queen, to be there for me….That was all wishful thinking. They were the ones who sweet talked me in the first place–one turned out to be a straight womanizer who used girls for sex/sex advice; the other was looking for a drinking buddy or to have someone just fall prey to his pity (undercover mastermind) of having his ex-girlfriend track him down, and the other one was just a sociopathic enabler who played the mess out of some girls for his own personal gain. (But Thank God I never slept with any of them!!) How could they [who I knew I couldn’t have been crazy about at first] set a “spark” and then pull the rug from under you with his underhanded tricks? Listen to your gut…there are some weirdos out there!
genny rabbit; thanks for your advice the thing is he was sooo romantic its not funny he was loving and romantic t o get me in the begining and during our relationship too until the end when he decided he didnt want me anymore and it ended pretty quick after that. that is why i miss it so much he showered me with love and attention. which i felt at the time was real i kknow different now he was over the top to cover up other things and his shortfalls in the realtionship. i think what i meant by saying doing things i taught him i mean going to the places i introduced him to and saying the things i say he used my words a lot, repeated them. he was younger than me, and he lives in the same area still i think i just knew better things to do more sophistocated places to go ect, places that would impress a new girl no doubt. i think that is what i meant not that he didnt know how to be romantic he did already i know that. it is a shame he lives so close cause he can still fequent the same places he and i went with the new girl or just the fact he is so close i can almost see his place looking out my kitchen even though it not real close its close enough just a few suburbs away. maybe i should move away but i like it hear i grew up here and my family who i need at the moment are here. its tricky but i am trying to focus on me and myob . i think all s paths use bits and peices from all the exs cause they dont have their own personality to use or know what to do or say just lie really. i read that about them just recently. they borrow bits from everyone and every experience even if its not their own to impress others. thanks x
I can relate.
I broke up with my ex about four years ago. I haven’t been able to date again. My fear is that I may spend the rest of my life alone, as it is so hard to trust people.
I too was ripe for the picking when I met this guy. A man I dated for seven years passed away a year before I met the spath. I was lonely and needy, so I overlooked red flags.
Initially, he showered me with attention. I feel he would go from idealization to devaulation.
He enjoyed bragging about me, and he also enjoyed bragging about all the things he did for me. After we broke up, i went from being the brilliant beautiful woman to the borderline basketcase.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. Reading these stories has helped me to realize that I’m not alone. I think recovery is a process.
Metachosis. I relate to your sadness. Looking back I have spent much of my adult life alone, punctuated with a few non starters, some dysfunctional men, some who cheated on me. As an older woman I feel quite depressed that I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone. But I had this life before I met my exN and I have returned to the same life more depressed than before I met him. However, I have to find a way to pick myself up and get some quality of life. It is no good people telling me how attractive or intelligent I am – if I am alone I have no one to share that with. So, I decided that if I am going to be alone, I am going to move to a nicer place and be alone. I am going to find things to do and be alone. I am going to try and make new friends and be alone. If I am going to be alone, I willl try to fulfill my needs in other ways. I am going to try and find companions my own age to go out with and try new things. Well, as for the other needs (ssshh)!! I am going to try and make my existence of being alone a slightly more pleasant one.
As for the trust issue, I always had a problem trusting men and foolishly because a man suddenly came into my life and threw me a companionship line, I was hooked, and I went all out to place trust in him, let him ‘regulate’ his activities when he wasnt with me, didnt question him – but – I chose the wrong man to place my trust in – ouch and for me that was hard. But I think trust issues can be worked on and if you find someone who really likes you and is genuine, not only will you not have the cat and mouse stuff that causes distrust, but they can help you. We are all loveable, and you have had a partner in the past, sadly who passed away, and you miss him? If you have ideas let me know too. Thanx
metachosis; thanks for the coments sounds like you and i were with a similar man. mine put me on a pedastal then dumped me so fast . thats why its hard now to believe hes just replaced me. but i believe in time she will find out what hes like it just takes time you have to get over the honey moon period to see these guys who they really are. i agree its hard dating again. four years is a long time. but i refuse to let them meake us lonely we are good woman and deserve a lovely man so i am just taking it easy and watching who to trust i want a family i dont want to live my days alone for the rest of my life, i was always more of a couple person and family orientated so i am not letting him stop me from what i wanted out of life all a long.i t is really hard though i am alsmost paraniod about choosing wrong a gain but you just have to be aware i think. i now think more than ever post s path if you want thing sin life you must try and get them at your own pace i mean and in your own way. whats the point of having dreams and desires in life if we cant even try to forfill them. i think we have those desires of what we want because it is part of who we are truely and deeply are and part of our destiny, maybe a bigger plan i dont know i just think we are naturally drawn to what we are meant to be and do in life thats why we have our own dreams. thats just my idea maybe it sounds rubish but i always felt this and even before i met the s path. maybe overcoming diversity in life brings us closer to our dreams and hopes. i dont know. better to have tried to make something happen than not i think. so i am gently going to put my self out there again and try to meet people. ia m not desperate and i like my own company really, but i enjoy sharing and having company too i just enjoy life more that way. so why let a stupid empty s path stop me from having that. hes not sitting around all lonely and depressd i bet yours isnt either they are probably on top of the world with some new woman i know mine is. i have some really bad days sometimes and i think i am never going to get what i want in life and i get down and angry too. but other days i feel positive and it makes me want to try and live a good life that is satisfying. also i have very loving parents and i have a very close relationship with my mother and i know she wants me to be happy a nd have the things inlife i want a family of my own and a loving partner. so out of my love for them as well iwant them to feel happy for me not worry which at the moment they do they are getting older and i would like them to know when there time comes that i am going to be ok and happy. these things they keep me going keep me alive some times too. just try an think of the people who really love you, not the ones who dont ie s paths. once when something happend to me when i was younger it was a stresfull time and a very nice elderly man a doctor said to me just gather the ones you love and who love you around you at this time and that will help you get through this bad time and he was right it did help. when i got divorced when i was younger i lost a lot of my life and most of my friends and my family were the only people who i had to talk to a lot of the time sometimes when the chips are down they are the ones who are really there for us i have seen that in my life anyway. hope some of this helps a little and makes sense the best revenge is to make your life the very best you can and show that spath you dont really want or need him anyway they are nothing but pain and hurt and ugliness so why would we want that in our life i dont anymore. theres too much good stuff out there for us we need to stop wasting time. also i lolst my older brothr when i was a littl e girl he was only 24 and he died in bad accident so all my life i think of him how he ws ripped off of living the life he would have wanted and this has made me try to live a life for him too and as much as i can i will strive for what i want till i go from this earth i am crying as i write this thinking of him, how bad to have everthing taken when your in your prime and so full of life . we are alive so lets just use that life not waste it on some pathetic person who hurt us. xj