Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Ariadne…holywatersalt…are any of you out there? My mom visited – husband tried very hard in his own way to take her in, but she was still not happy about his dismissive and arrogant behavior. But he tried, and she thought maybe we could make things work. Tonight he had to go give a lecture, and i discovered he planned to ride the train with the woman (his colleague) with whom he had an emotional affair. (long story but she moved away & lives in the town where he was going). He is currently teaching a course with her – i know there’s nothing going on, but all i wanted was some transparency – and he also promised he wouldn’t see her socially anymore. (I know he’s not lying about the talk..it’s posted on the internet etc etc..)..I’m bothered because i confronted him about why they planned to ride the train together..and he initially apologized & said he should have told me. But then he called me up twice from his cell to YELL at me for being unreasonable, for wanting to control every aspect of his life (i hardly see him, he’s a workaholic), for not caring about anything going on his life, only caring about myself, and on and on. I subsequently called my mom; she is encouraging me to either get him into therapy with me, or to leave. These blow-outs will just continue – am I right? Was i wrong to be upset with him for withholding that information? i don’t actually care if they see each other, I just want him to be honest and tell me – this shouldn’t be too much to ask, given that she is going to be in his life as a colleague? He tells me about everyone else.
I’m really struggling right now. He has been trying SO hard to make ammends since this affair. But I fear the same patterns. When he comes home tonight, he will be furious: he won’t let up until I apologize for having made too big a deal of nothing. I vowed I will NOT back down this time. I’m not asking for anything major, just some kind of transparency and EMPATHY on his part – really he shouldn’t be seeing her outside of the office. I hate that I am questioning myself – did i make too big a deal of this? My mom says I don’t have a happy life, despite being a happy person fundamentally. How did this happen to me. In this marriage for 13 years, met him when i was 17, married at 23. I am so scared, of having regrets, of staying and wasting time, of leaving and thinking that he too, needs someone to love. How did this happen to me. I have a long road ahead.
And do some people just have really bad tempers when they fight? No physical abuse, but verbal…i told my mom tonight that he had name-called during fights…I was brought up in a household where fighting was REAL but still respectful…with my H, it is just bad. I make excuses that he can’t control it.
Can’t he? When my mom heard he had called me names in fighting (bitch, and worse, i won’t write it all out, too upsetting), she asked me why I had ever stayed…I never thought that alone was a reason to go…what about the good parts of this person, what happens to them? I’m struggling tonight, sorry. I don’t know how i became this sad person. If he came home and wrapped his arms around me i’d feel all safe and okay again. But what i think he’ll do is come home angry that i probably ruined his lecture with the fight and with my unreasonable demands…he will wake me for this. Is it normal to be scared of marital fights?
Tmassar,
I really feel for you and I know what you’re going through. The fights with my ex-N were awful too. They don’t have to be physical to really get to you and even make you afraid.
My ex also used to get really mad when I used his cell. I still to this day don’t know what he was hiding, if anything, but the way he used to yell at me like I was a little girl getting into daddy’s things was really humiliating. He also used to use language like that with me. Because narcissists feel bad about themselves and doubt themselves so much, they feel the need to humilate and put down others so that they can feel like they are in control.
It really really hurts when someone who is supposed to love you treats you like that. But love is not only feeling, it is action and speech. He doesn’t always love you with his actions and speech. Him meeting that woman is a breach of trust and he knows that. You did not overreact because he made a promise again (which he wouldn’t have had to make if he hadn’t betrayed you in the first place) and he broke it. You are completely justified.
I remember thinking that mine needed someone to love too. That kept me in the relationship for 3 years. But as much as he might have loved me or needed me on the inside, he was completely incapable of showing that to me, loving me with words or actions. Instead of thinking about what HE needs, why don’t you think about what YOU need? As many problems as he might have, they are only HIS. You can’t solve them for him and you can’t save him. But you can save yourself.
My ex thought that even though we weren’t married, I was stuck with him and since I was close to him he showed me his ugly side because I would always be there. So there was no reason to be nice to me, I was just something that would always be around to beat up on. If your husband is anything like him, it must really hurt you to see how nice he can be to others but how he never saves that for you.
Another point you made is that in your house, fighting was real but respectful- but not in your marriage. That is how fighting should be- respectful. It is inevitable, but in a loving relationship people express their differences without contempt and humiliation. My ex N didn’t respect me at all. He wouldn’t know how even if he had wanted to.
It’s good that you’re asking these questions, because you are acknowledging that something is wrong. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t take what he says at face value. When you can distance yourself from the verbal attacks, you will realize he is reacting to his own feeling of helplessness. But that doesn’t mean he is harmless. Words can really hurt and staying around someone who tries to constantly humiliate you is exhausting and damaging to your spirit.
I wish I could give you a hug, because I knew how much I needed it when I was in your place. But keep posting, we’re here for you. 🙂
Ariadne: THANK you. You’re right on about it all. Jules – i’m close to my mom too (only recently much more close now that i’ve confessed the reality of my situation to her – she is 77 and simply devastated that this has been my life – i’m so grateful for her understanding though)…
He came home last night very late, I was asleep, and I left early for work today, so we have not spoken. I sent him an email several hours ago asking when he’d like to talk (very calm and friendly in tone). He will not answer (punishing me) and I’m feeling sick inside, I can’t eat, concentrate, etc. There’s a time where i would have excused this behavior by chalking it up to him..it’s just the way he is..but i finally see even these small gestures as really abusive because of how ill they make me feel. Yesterday i had sent him a really kind note in the morning (before we fought) wishing him good luck with his lecture etc etc – he never bothered answering. He’s nice when he wants to be.
How do I start this dialogue with him, which will inevitably lead to the end? i read all the posts here and i have SUCH admiration for all of you for being strong enough to Go and remake yourselves, and embrace happiness. here i am, becoming an ugly person and hanging on after 13 years. I no longer treat him well either: this is the truth and it plagues me too.
Tmassar, I can’t imagine how it feels to have been in a relationship for so long (two years was more than enough for me) with someone like this. But it sounds as if you know what the answers are really.
It’s funny how everyone’s stories sound familiar. After loads of absolutely dreadful behaviour, the ‘final straw’ for me was when my ex went for one of his lovely cosy days out with one of our mutual colleagues. She’s got a partner and a child, and I’m sure she doesn’t see him that way at all but that’s not the point. Endless weird female friendships. (And yes he had a track record of philandering too). I asked him not to go on the day out – told him it would upset me – and he did it.
It’s weird but there was almost relief in the fact I ditched him for something relatively ‘minor’. Of course I doubted myself like mad afterwards, but now I feel that it was the best way of emerging with some dignity. Turning the tables!
I’m sure we all thought we couldn’t do this either but believe me YOU CAN and this site is the best resource you will find.
It’s making me cringe thinking about him punishing you for his own bad behaviour. Something we all realise in the end is someone who loves you WANTS to make you happy.
As for starting the dialogue – I think that once you decide, the least dialogue the better. If he is a sociopath, you can’t rely on ANYTHING he says and talking to them just fuels their fire – more games for them to get involved with, more manipulation, more havoc to wreak.
We are all here with you. Be brave!
TMassar:
I found this link on here. You are ready to get out and get on with your life and your happiness. You know the problem, now you have to work your way out of it. Best wishes to you.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
tmasser,
Send him on a weekend trip and then move out while he’s gone. Just leave. He will go nuts so make sure you go somewhere safe. Of if you want to throw him out, have some family or friends there to support you.. in PERSON.
The Bad Man never acted out in front of anyone… except once but that’s another story. They are coward’s and they like their bad treatment of you to be secret.
I am so glad I left while he wasn’t home in one clean break. I can not imagine what would have gone down if I had tried to live out my last days in Maui under the same roof. I just knew he would not let me go graciously so I did the only thing I could thing of.. I left and I hid from him.
I guess it worked because I am here now.
Aloha… E.R.
Tmassar,
If you are thinking about leaving, that is a very brave step. But the dialogue shouldn’t be with him, it would just be the same old thing with him convincing you that you couldn’t possibly survive on your own, trying to make your relationship seem normal (when you know there’s something wrong), telling you you need him, or in a show of emotion, telling you that he needs you and making you feel bad for leaving him alone. You should try to avoid this.
The dialogue should be with yourself. What I did before I left (after I realized I couldn’t possibly take the abuse anymore) was I started to pay attention to my own desires and needs. I started excercising every day (good for depression and body image), I started painting again, writing in my journal, listening to music that I liked by myself (and dancing alone), and started reading uplifting books. If you are religious, reconnecting with that will help a lot. If you aren’t, then some kind of spirituality will help you, maybe yoga or just positive thinking.
I started relying on my friends and family more and not depending on him for my happiness or feeling of worth. Whenever he said anything hurtful, I made a little commentary in my mind, like a translation of what he really meant. When he said something like “why can’t you do this right?” I translated it to ” I found a miniscule mistake you made and am making a big deal out of it to make you feel bad about yourself so you don’t point out my big mistakes.” Once you can stop reacting to the attacks he makes on you, you will be able to stop the endless chain of fighting that starts with a remark like that. Don’t play into his drama.
For example, one time my ex came home really late without telling me where he was going and his phone was off. This was during the period of time when I had had enough but was just working on myself until I had the courage and strength to leave for good. He expected me to go off on him like always and accuse him of being unfaithful or insensitive, so he could draw the focus away from his coming late and onto my nagging. Then he could assuage his guilt by saying, “No wonder I don’t want to come home, you nag me so much!” And it would automatically be my fault. Instead, I said “Oh could you turn out the light, I’m kind of tired.” And I went to sleep. He even tried picking a fight with me the next morning! It’s hard not to take the bait, but I just kept thinking about how I needed to stay strong and I got through it.
So when I finally decided that I needed to do it, I picked a time when we weren’t fighting, everything was “fine” and by the time he got home from work, I was packed up and I told him a firm goodbye, gave him the reasons and didn’t stay around to hear any arguments. Like aloha said, taking someone else helps. My best friend was there with me so he didn’t make such a big fuss.
It takes a lot of courage that I am sure you have in you :). Build it up every day. Don’t believe what he says about you. When you hear that negative voice in your head saying youre not good enough, that youre weak, recognize that it’s not your voice, it’s his. He has been making you believe things about yourself that are not true.
Just one thing, if you feel empty and needy inside, it’s not the right time, you will end up going back to him to fill that emptiness. First you have to fill it up with your own love for yourself. Everyone here has been through it and it’s the hardest part, but you can do it. Start the process by doing something loving for yourself ASAP. Good Luck 🙂
Thanks all. I’m clinging to these words right now. Thanks for the link also – will look at it right after I post. I talked to my sister last night (ironically, she’s a psychologist!) – she told me (after I begged her to be honest) that she’s always thought my H was mentally ill. Always thought he was too controlling of me and has seen changes in me over the years that didn’t seem like me.
Ariadne you’re right – i’m following in your footsteps right now, I went horseback riding this morning (my favorite thing in the world!), am meeting with friends for coffee tomorrow, and generally trying to surround myself with people I like, recultivate relationships that I’ve neglected due to depression and just GET ON with my life.
He has REFUSED to speak to me since Thursday now – 2 days in silence, since our fight. Because I won’t back down – normally i would have begged for contact by now, but i’m not doing it this time. How can he not realize the damage he’s doing by “punishing” me this way. I feel sorry for him though.
Thank you ALL for your words of encouragement, you are wonderful people to share your stories and your empathy. I may take a break from posting while I regroup & think, but I’ll be back. I hope I can give something back here someday.
Just need a little support right now.. i have an 8 month old son. His father abandond us a week after the birth for another woman. It’s been headgames ever since.. he loves me, he loves me not… lies to her, lies to me… i know there is something wrong with him, but why does it hurt so much. I keep trying to tell myself that this is not really about me. It’s about him. I am starting legal proceedings as he does not want to pay childsupport. I just found out I am not on the deed to our home (that he has the new girlfriend in). It will be a legal mess as I am now in the US and he (and the house) are in Canada. I keep trying to tell myself it could always be worse. I let him use up all my money, now he’s moving onto hers…. I always look like the crazy person and I need to stop the insanity. Why do I feel so sad when I know he is a liar and probably a scotiopath and a narcasist. He doesn’t care about anyone except himself. I really need some strength and sanity right now.