Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
Tmassar, would you “feel sorry” for someone who was hitting you on the head with a hammer and accidently hit themselves on the thumb? If the answer to that is “No, of course not” then quit feeling sorry for this psychopath. HE HAS NO REMORSE or guilt about what he has done to you. (though he may say he has, or try to twist it to be “your fault’)
He CANNOT “realize” the damage he is doing, because HE DOES NOT CARE. You are not a human being, you are an OBJECT to be manipulated for HIM and HIS benefit, not yours.
Jwpjeni, I am sorry that you are in such a pickle, and it may be that it is next to impossible to recoup your financial losses with this man and an international legal battle as well. The cost may be too him, and of course he will make it as impossible for you to collect anything and most likely stall stall stall hoping that you will give up out of frustration.
I do suggest though that you seek legal counsel about your options. Sometimes it is better to forego child support if it will keep the P out of your child’s life—in other words pay them to leave your child alone, or get them to sign over parental rights in order to not pay child support.
Many many times the P will use the child as a club to hurt you with, only hurting the child worse and keeping your life in turmoil. I realize this “isn’t fair” for him to NOT pay child support but I bet there are many many mothers whose Xs are Ps that would gladly give up the money in exchange for having the man out of the chld’s life.
Hang in there and take care of YOU and your son. God bless and be strong.
OxDrover to Tmassar – Excellent analogy, with the hammer. I read the same thing you did and could only say to myself “don’t feel sorry for him” But I didn’t think that would be convincing enough to get Tmasser to stop.
Jwpjeni – If I had known in 1990, (18-year-old son this year) what I know today, and the possibility I could have had a happy stress free life, I would have taken the “walk away “, and went on with my life, i limited my possibilities with his poison. I am going to child support court on Monday. Our son is nearly 18…The S is still asking me to take him back so we can be a happy family, so he can duck child support. It is not a loss to live stress free for the rest of your life. By forgoing what surely will be a, pain in the ass, lengthy, lifetime battle, you are, in a sense, paying for your own peace of mind. I have written on a few blogs on here detailing my relationship about my son and his father…and the history going back to the beginning to where you are now. I have been through it. Let him go. Sociopath, Narcissist…doesn’t matter. He has the same dysfunctional brain and it works the same exact way. It doesn’t make you cold, or stupid to forgo child support, or the deed to that house. Do what you gotta do to dissolve the relationship (if you were married – otherwise, call your losses). I suffered endlessly from hope. Don’t do that to yourself and to your baby…he is not worth it…and he will never feel bad about anything. He can tell you he does, but everything an S says is a con. How do you know when a sociopath is lying? When his lips are moving.
Let me know if you find my posts…..
Take care…
RW
Thank you both for your information and support… the hammer story made me chuckle Oxdrover and it hit home when you talked about being an OBJECT. Makes me think of the Silence of the Lambs movie… “and it rubs the lotion on its skin”… creepy. And i think you are both right about giving up the financial stuff… it’s just so hard to come to grips with. I just read one of your posts RW with the article attached about loosers. I feel like I’m acting like one in some ways right now. I have been acting out of control, kind of like fight/flight mode. I’ve told him to leave me alone so many times and then get sucked back in, only to be stomped on again. The suicide notes, the i love u’s, i made a mistake, I’ll get counseling, meds, he admits that he has a problem, it’s not you its me and then in the next breath tells me its all my fault. That im the crazy one, that i’m the alcoholic, I’m nutz! So then I start with the phone calls, calling his first exwife (who actually did get the big house and the money cuz she let him be) then our “friends” etc… there are 3 other children involved from his previous relationship that will never see their little brother because “I’m the crazy one”. Even though his teenage daughter said.. “that’s dad, doing what he does best. HE LIES”. Sorry to be ranting… I’m just trying to stop my own insanity right now. I don’t know weather to scream or to cry. I allowed him to suck me back in last week, drove to Canada with the baby (again) and then he had me leave the next day. Nice and loving one minute. Hurtful, cruel and cold the next. Now hes “dropped me” like a hot potato. I feel like such a fool because I was doing so well for a while. Feeling stronger and more in focus of my own life.. of course always hoping my prince charming would see the light and want me and our baby back. How pathetic is that. I know he’s a creep, a liar, a con and yet I fall in the trap of I love yous and its me not you everytime. I will be looking up more of your posts RW and i think i’m gonna read the stockholm one next. And I AM NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE!
Thanks
jw
jwpjeni –
Hi – I saved you some trouble and took the task of finding what I wrote…luckily I haven’t been blogging for long. This was my life, in a nutshell since the birth of my son…I hope it is enough for you to get the picture. Do a search for righteous (cntrl F) and my story is within the blog.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/11/if-youre-vulnerable-sociopaths-will-pounce/#comments
Oh, and, as far as still going after my child support…I don’t care if I ever get it. I just don’t want to do anything nice for him…I closed the case once…but I thought we were gonna live happily ever after…I believed his lies. He can’t keep a commitment to tie his shoes. But I didn’t realize it then..I had to get burned first. Don’t get burned. Just do no contact and go on with your life. I realize at this point it feels like you are being advised to live without a limb…when I ended it, I cried..he had been “part of me for so long” If you feel the same about yours DONT tell HIM that!! Don’t try to get him to admit anything, confess, repent..it just doesn’t work. Walk away, Love your baby, take beautiful pictures together, go to the parks, and playtimes, and gymboree, There are single dads there!!!! Smile and hold your head up….and eventually, in time, you will accept, that what you missed, was nothing at all. You have the possibility to live your life without feeling like a yo yo…do it.
Dear Jwpjeni,
RW has some great advice for you, I have read hundreds of blogs from women with children from the psychopath and they sound like your “life story”—and everyonen of them would give their RIGHT ARM AND RIGHT LEG and every dime to get the man out of their kids’s life. NO FATHER is much better than a P father because he will eat your kid. He will eat you and then you will be trying to defend your kid from him, and because he “pays” once in a while, he will have a RIGHT to poison your kid’s mind against you, and even poison the kid’s mind totally.
My advice is to take your son and RUN and HIDE, leave no address where he can find you….if he can’t find you he will eventually leave you alone. Live in a tent, eat out of McDonald’s dumpsters, go to a shelter, do anything but stay where he can find you.
The other kids will not know their brother and that is a shame, but believe me, I have 3 sibs that I do not see, haven’t seen for 40 years, and that was a SMALL price to pay for being away from my P-father.
I realize it is hard not to “fall for” their promises, but they are nothing but hot air and LIES,, LIES, LIES LIES. One other poster on here has a mantra (forgive me I forget who) and it is “HE IS THE LIE” and anytime she starts to feel sorry for him she chants it. Good idea actually.
I’m glad I made you laugh, but really it is that obvious. You must not feel sorry for the person who is RAPING you and your son emotionally and every other way. HE IS THE LIE.
The house is ONLY STuff. It is not important in the long haul, your life sanity and your son’s life and sanity and happiness depend on getting away from this man—he is EVIL. He is a predator. He is a vampire, a succubus, a devil, the archangel from hell, Hanibal Lechtor, he is Charlie Manson, Ted Bundy, Hitler, Sadaam, Osama ben Laden, he is every evil monster that walked the earth, he just isn’t as “famous.”
YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT, and SOOOO DOES YOUR SON. Righteous woman is totally right! Listen to her voice of experience, cling to your child and focus on you and him, and only you and him.
Sorry for the RANT, I just get so steamed at the Ps that target not only adults, but their own offspring as well. Like a sow (female pig) that eats her own offspring, the only thing she is good for is to make bacon, and as far as I am concerned that is the same as a human P that uses and abuses a child.
You know – Jwpjeni- somewhere hidden in a blog, is a reference to 1944 movie Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman(Oscar win best actress). It was on last evening and I caught the last half. This woman was convinced that “she wasn’t feeling well” Hearing voices hearing sounds. Her husband convinced her it was all in her mind. In the end, an investigator, that was investigating him, came to her, and told her “You are not crazy…You are being DRIVEN crazy” And that is the point you are at Jwpjeni. He is telling you not to trust your own judgement. Not to trust your own instincts. You found US for a reason. We are here to tell you you are sane….and will work with you to get through the next steps.
First step: Don’t call, don’t return calls.
Realize: He has nothing you want, and even if he says he does, it is a lie to manipulate you.
If you open your eyes, and listen to your gut, you will be past step one. Then you can start to heal. Don’t let him pick at you. Don’t let him use the baby as emotional bait. And he will, I promise you, he will. Well, you’re not going to talk to him right? You don’t want him to know anything about you anymore. Don’t let anyone else tell him anything either. He will actually use it against you…Leave you a message that just plucks that one last heart string so that you have to call him back…all ploys. He will accuse you of things like alcoholism to bait you…because you want to defend yourself. You drink BECAUSE of him I bet. Block his phone numbers etc. He is in Canada…there is no court in the United States of America that is going to grant visitation to a person whom does not reside in this country. And, also, if you are not married…he has NO RIGHTS to the child under the law. He has to actually apply for the rights with the court….so take a deep breath. You are not going insane…you are consumed with fear. From here on out..you plot your own course…and your plans don’t include him. Can you do this? take the first steps?
RW and OxDrover
Thank you… I just put my son to bed and I’m taking this all in. I will spend some time reading your posts and I’ll be back. OxDrover, thanks.. the RAPING of emotions really sticks in my head. I am digesting all of this.. and i have not picked up the phone to call anyone involved in my life with “him”. I have not drank today. Thank you both. Back in a bit.
jp
Good for you from staying away from the alcohol. I know it is tempting to try to “numb” your pain, but right now of all times in your life, you need every EVERY with you have, and alcohol is only a numbing for a little while and in the end makes things worse, it actually depresses you.
If you have a problem staying alcohol FREE, please call AA immediately. They will give you the support you need for that and you can find them anywhere in the US.
The people on this blog DO understand what you are going through, all of us have been involved in some form of abuse from the Ns and the Ps…there is almost always someone here to answer your questions or just cyber-hold your hand 24/7. Learning LEARNING LEARNING is the key I think, READ READ READ and you will SEE so many things that “ARE” him.
There are so many articles and comments on here that you could read every day for hours and take a long time to read it all. Some things may confuse you but don’t hesitate to ask someone.
We are all growing along with you,, healing as well. Healing is a JOURNEY not a destination, and you can use this as the first step of the rest of your wonderful life with your son. And also not only get rid of this man out ofyour heart and head, but to learn how NOT to get involved with another one. No one can do this for you, each of us must be the master of their own universe, but we will support and cheer you on when you succeed and we will cry with you when you have a bad day.
There is no “magic” formula, the grieving and healing will have to be gone through, if you try to go around it, it will still be there, or over it or under it, you must GO THROUGH the emotions and FEEL them, but I can promise you that when you are done, you will be a wiser and better and stronger woman than you have ever been, and you will have the tools you need to raise your son confidently.
God bless you my dear, our thoughts and prayers are with you in your journey. I’m still ON my journey, but each step is better, easier and some days I am “skipping along” singing a song, instead of crawling on my hands and knees making mud with my tears. (((hugs))))
Thank you all… for your writing today… it is helping me. I also feel so much emotional pain (NC since January) that I can’t stand it anymore, sorry to hear there is no magic formula!
Dear Chic,
I wish there were a magic formula, and a santa claus, an easter bunny, and a tooth fairy! LOL
Yes, the pain is there—but in a way I liken it to LABOR PAINS. YOu feel like when you are in labor (or at least I did) that it is FOREVER and the suffering is TOO AWFUL to bear, and then, it is over—and the joy you feel at what you have accomplished floods your soul…you have given new life.
With the pain (labor) of the healing it is just that way too I think–I have A NEW LIFE, a better life, a fuller life now than I have ever had before…and just like I nurtured my child that I gave birth to in pain and agony (when I ran out of swear words I started making them up! LOL) but the joy in nurturing that new life as it grew and blossomed was wonderful.
Now, instead of a child, I am nurturing MY NEW LIFE, my own joy, and all the labor, all the tears, all the swear words, all the prayers to die, all the thinkingI was going to die, it is ALL WORTH it already—I still have the rest of my life to grow, to become a better person a happier and more satisfied person.
Believe me Chic, it is worth it! Scream and curse and cry, but hang on! Just a little while longer! Push, push–breathe breathe!