Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.
The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.
What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.
The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ”˜it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’
To quote Sir Walter Scott, ”˜Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’
In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.
In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.
Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.
To chic, to all of you: what a sad life this is. I did it. I left my husband tonight. I am writing this from a friend’s house, where i’m staying overnight. Tomorrow I’m driving to my mother’s house where I’ll stay for a week, while I decide what to do. I will move to a place closer to my job (I’ve been commuting 50 miles for the last 2 years), but I’m in for a big shock, moving from a big beautiful house into most likely a crap apartment. Who knows what’ll happen.
You all were right: he cried, he was devastated – but interestingly, he did not ask me to stay. He confessed to having abused me and said he never realized what a toll it had taken on me. The conversation we had (while i was packing) was alternately angry, sad and horrible. (At one point he called me a “barren cunt” – i’ve had 2 miscarriages & we don’t have children). I tried to tell him he needed help, that this language is part of the reason i can’t tolerate it anymore. He does not understand. Yet he does. But regardless, I got out. My mom is expecting me tomorrow. Thank you all for your support. I have no intent to go back, even though I am plagued by thoughts of him alone in our house.
Wow Tmasser!
First and foremost, protect yourself. I don’t know how mad your Sociopath can get but be prepared for anything. I just want to say that.
Second, I wouldn’t be surprised if your man is signing up for Match.com right now. It cetainly wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a Sociopath to do a thing like that, even after waterworks (crying). And you did make a careful observation… he didn’t ask you to stay. Good for you for noting that.
Third, if you feel weak, keep signing in here and read all the articles about leaving a sociopath. When I felt tempted to call the Bad Man while I was in Maui, LoveFraud pulled me through. And also, notice how strong you are at this moment… even if you feel weak… you did leave.
Good for YOU!!
I noticed that bit of cruelty about your miscarriages… so sorry you had to go through that. Who knows… maybe a higher power was protecting you from being bound for life to this man, you never know. And what he said to you… Oh how I can relate. The level of inappropriateness and cruelty is shocking. Then again, by now, it’s really not so shocking anymore. It’s just part of the deal with a Sociopath. Now that I have reached that place, it hurts less, believe it or not. It’s the Lion and Gazelle again… the gazelle does not have hurt feelings when the Lion attacks and eats them. It’s just what they do. But remember his cruel words for a while… not because they are true but to remind you… what kind of human being would say something so cruel? I think you know the answer.
There are a lot of women (and men) here that gave up jobs, houses, dreams, friends, you name it, someone had to let it go… but you will get YOU back and that is the most important thing.
For all the women that are emotionally trapped with a Sociopath, now we can picture one in our minds, driving away… This is powerful for all of us.
Good luck to you…. Aloha. E.R.
tmassar
You are fabulous! I really admire how strong you are… and I am shocked at what he said to you. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.
Tmassar
I didn’t get to leave…so other than no contact…and good for you I have nothing to draw on for you that is inspirational experience wise. When I asked my ex to leave..he told me I didn’t make him feel like a man…because he was living in my house and everything was mine, he didn’t feel like a man, and I made him feel that way, and now I was kicking him out?? – he said it was my fault…he had lots of things to say that day, but that is what stands out…and it worked. I gave in…he was gone a month later, but under his own terms..and he didn’t bother to tell me. He just stopped coming home…Anyway – stay strong. People make this work all the time…You are not alone, you are not the first. You have a job, a car, an income…You will get a really nice apartment and decorate it with what ever you want….some landlords don’t even care if you paint….You will be ok. Close any mutual accounts(credit) you have first thing …and take half of any joint bank accounts tonight if you can do it online. Don’t take more than you would be entitled to at the point of separation. I copied this information from the above link I sent you earlier by Dr. Joe Carver:
“8. Breakup Panic “The Loser” panics at the idea of breaking up – unless it’s totally their idea – then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area – as though you will be responsible for those decisions. “The Loser” offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”
“They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of – telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of “The Loser” – escape will be three times as difficult the next time. ”
You will be ok. Being alone, and controlling your own world is better than living on pins and needles and having someone control it for you, and make you miserable in it. It is just that basic.
Tmassar,
Wow! You go girl! It takes a lot of strength and you sound like a very strong woman.
Mine didn’t ask me to stay either, even though he cried like a baby. He threw in a bit of verbal abuse too, amidst the crying. That comment about your miscarriages was very harsh. But just think, you will never have to hear yourself be devalued again.
After I left my N, at first I mourned the relationship but after a while I started to get very angry. Because the things he did to me that I rationalized away all came back. I was MAD that he would do all those things to me and even madder at myself that I put up with all of it. Then after a while I could distance myself from everything and see it in a more objective light.
Now that I think of it, it seems like the grieving process for someone who has died. I guess you have to grieve the loss of the relationship just like any other loss. But when you think of it later on, I am sure you’ll see it as not only the end of an abusive relationship, but the beginning of a new life for yourself.
What an opportunity! Keep horseback riding 😉 and take advantage of your newfound freedom! God bless.
Tmassar – hurrah for you!! 🙂 Stick to your path and stay on it with all your might. You will go through so many emotions in the coming weeks, and he will make you go through such highs and lows. Dont bend to it, but keep your sights on your goal of becoming free and happy again. Someone here said it, I can’t remember who but I like the quote “Believe in Better!” There will be light at the end of your tunnel!
Tmassar,
Here is a website all about narcissism and survivors of abuse. It does have a few ads for the guy’s books but it also has tons of information that might help you sort through the whirlwind of emotions.
http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html
Take care 🙂
tmassar; please do not think this life is sad your life will be a hundred times better without a sick man abusing you believe me i know. and please do not feel sorry for him, you must feel sorry for your self and protect your self from his abuse anymore. mine was the same he cried and sobbed and would you believe it was his desicion to leave me for gods sake. then he tried to make a deal to keep me in his life he said he still wanted to see me cause he didnt want me to be alone, youknow what he did then pretended to be a friend and care for me and all the while he ued me for sex for himself not for me nothing was for me it was all for him and this was after we broke up. so dont let him manipulate you to have any sex with him either. also i have no children either and have sufferd miscarriage, this is very painful. he promised me we would have a family but then when he wanted to he just left me. but you know what i am getting over this now and i cant wait to meet a true man who really love s me an have a family i now am glad i did not have a family with the ex s path cause that child would be damaged by him in some way and icould not stand that. maybe it is right to say some higher force saved us from having a child with someone so evil as they are. and even though mine cried and acted like he was so sad i latter found his phone bill and after he moved out he was straight on the phone to his many female freinds so he wasnt that upset was he. i think they cry out of frustration and their own pain not cause they hurt us, and because of what they loose. please do not worry about not having a big house to live in a home is made of love and i dont think from what you say there was much love in your house. when mine left i did not even have a bed cause i gave my bed away and we used his bed when he moved in with me, so i had that to worry about as well as being so upset, i made him buy me a new bed, and so he should. also your mother will support you and your sis ter they are wise woman and that is what you need right now . it is now two years on and he has just found another new girl there has been several for him since he left. and i am still alone. but i dont mind i know he will play her the same way the thing we have to realise is its not us its them and they do the same thing to other woman who ever is close to them i know this for a fact ive seen it so dont think it is you or your fault. i have just met a nice new guy who is a friend right now but it may go furthr i am hoping it does but it takes time to feel like trusting again but i feel like good things are going to happen cause i have healed and got him out of my life .just think of the stress and pain they put us thru we dont need that i t can make people sick. just know you are doin the right thing . how dare he say that horrible thing to you, that is not words of love . if you want to write to me please do i am on here often and i get alot of help from people on here. . i know how you feel so much my situation sounds very similar to yours……….
After one sociopath husband left me last year, I found myself in a long-distance virtual relationship with another S who pursued me relentlessly, and called me everyday and did all kinds of charming and cute things to grab my attention, I was choosy and very aloof but he managed to get me out of my shell as if he was an expert at it, he found me a challenge and finally after nine month of online and long-distance virtual relationship we met, he showed all the signs of an S but I kept ignoring it and I knew I was hooked when I felt blind and deaf to all the early signs…he finally stopped calling me everyday and started playing games with me, I think it was all because he couldn’t totally dominate me, I told him that we are not going to sleep together and have sex until we are sure this is exclusive and we are emotionally connected and committed – and I knew that he is not emotionally available and I knew that he is not ever going to be capable of love despite all the empty promises of marriage and love over several months of email\webcam\phone etc. connection, I think I was smart that I didn’t go all the way with him and did not surrender myself to him, and that I kept holding back a little bit. He gave me really ridiculous reasons for being cold all of a sudden, reasons like why I didn’t cook for him when he came to my city for 2 days, etc., he kept telling me that he things I am selfish and now sweet enough (meanwhile everyone who knows me including my ex tell me I have to practice being more selfish and less concerned with other’s needs) whatever he was projecting on me I could say about him and didn’t as I felt he was not sweet enough, he was bitter, negative and more like John Wayne character in the movies when he used to treat actresses (50 years ago), in a cold, remote fashion and without putting much into the relationship or revealing too much of himself. I truly suspect he must have had other girlfriends as well at the same time in his city…this was a very brief summary, but all in all I am upset with myself as to why I would be attracted to such a guy, and why I can’t get him out of my mind? I am trying very hard not to call him, as we had our last conversation a month ago, but I find he has this power over me, this kind of a charisma that I can’t escape, mind you he is a total package on the outside, good looks, good executive job, good everything on the outside, but he is very domineering and very controlling, he has no heart, no remorse for many failed relationships, and with a long trail of wonderful and beautiful women in his past I did not hear him one acknowledge any regret or responsibility for his part in those (over ten that I know of in the past five years) failed relationships…why can’t I get him out of my mind, as an intelligent, beautiful sweet and sane woman I know that he won’t make me happy as a partner/husband then why I am so stuck!! I had a total of 5 days with him face-to-face the rest was one year of virtual online connection, why does it feel so real and how do I heal from all the empty promises he gave me? I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness even worst than my divorce, maybe a latent feeling…by the way my husband cheated on me and lied to me and was not all that great, but now that he wants me back I am thinking about it, knowing how much worst it could be out there, I am scared, in comparison to this guy my husband had more compassion, more consciences and more heart, either one would be wrong for me, but the first one’s flaws pale in comparison to this one…he was even not liked by his coworkers, and he was proud that his employees rate him as a dictator in their feedback, why do I then find myself drawn to him still??? I miss all the attention!
Longdistance S – it sounds like to me you suffer of what I battle with also in myself. We grieve and long for the man we wished for them to be. You build up this fantasy man on top of the real man that he is. You can actually see potential for him to be that man and therefore potential to be happy – but really really when you look at the whole picture you know in your gut that it cannot and will not be really what you want from him.
We begin to lose all ability to react the way we would normally react when they cross over boundries that you used to have. You become comprising of everything you used to stand for. All because you are living inside a Wish.
At some point you have to realize in your conscious mind that this man is no good and even tho lonely times will come without him.. it is not reason to run back, nor is it reason to run back to a cheating ex husband either. Just because a good man that will treat you as you deserve, is not on the horizon at this time, don’t allow yourself to be compromised and take back something for the sake of having someone.
Neither of those men have a good track record. Cut the ties and send them off into their world of toxic relationships and let them go. You will come up out of the clouds and soon begin to feel whole again. Focus on you and your health and find a smile on your face again. Once you get past the initial part, you will be so happy and feel such a sense of relief. Then with all your new found knowledge, you can go about finding a man that will love you in all the right ways!
Keep reading this site – there is so much help, understanding and support here. We all have come from where you are now. hugs