Scientists now believe that the set of personality traits that cause sociopathy develops in people with genetic risk. But research also shows that genetics alone cannot account for the presence of sociopathy in our society. Sociopathy is caused by an interaction between genes and environment. In my opinion, many kids are twice cursed by genetics. The same genes that put them at risk also give them at least one unfit parent. This unfit parent creates an environment where the genes that produce sociopathy can become manifest.
In part 1 of this series, I listed several parenting behaviors that foster the development of sociopathy. This week we will discuss the trait anger and hostility that characterizes sociopathy. Nowhere are gene-environment interactions more apparent than in the development of an angry, hostile, suspicious style of relating to others.
Numerous studies have demonstrated that children at risk for sociopathy tend to adopt a suspicious approach during social interactions with both peers and adults. They are quick to interpret the behavior of others as hostile, angry or otherwise malevolent. They are also more likely to propose aggressive solutions to situations that involve conflict. When at risk kids respond in kind to perceived hostility, other children reject them. This rejection serves to confirm to the child that others are indeed malevolent–a classic self-fulfilling prophesy.
I am convinced that this suspicious, hostile stance we see in at risk children is due to their focus on dominance and power. At risk children tend to focus on competition and power as opposed to affection in relationships. If your child is focused on dominance, she/he will appear to you to be strong willed and will not respond well to correction. Many parents respond to dominant children by trying to put them in their place. They thus model aggressive behavior. Engaging in dominance struggles only further activates the dominance drive in at risk children. Dealing with a child’s dominance behavior, is perhaps the biggest challenge parents of at risk children face.
The only tool we have to reduce dominance behavior in at risk children and teens is affection. Affectionate interactions are incompatible with dominance behavior, so, if you want your child to be easier to live with, you have to teach him/her to be affectionate. You have to do everything in your power to give your child the ability to love. When strong dominance motivation is appropriately balanced with empathy and affection, the result is a great leader. Our kids who are born dominant are born leaders if we are able to guide them to have this balance.
I believe the dominance behavior at risk children show is inborn. My son was born with this dominant temperament and I work daily to teach him to love. He is now nearly 5 and does show a great deal of empathy and affection, however, he also shows the dominance behavior I am discussing. For example, there are times when we are shopping and someone gets close to our cart. My son becomes very territorial and says to adults, “This is our cart, don’t touch our stuff!” I promise he did not learn this from me. When we are in public I make it a point to smile, greet people and wish them a good day. Notice, too, that my son is not afraid to confront adults he doesn’t know. Just a few weeks ago, we drove to a local bike trail with our bikes on the bike rack of the van. As I was unloading the bikes, a woman approached me to ask about the trail. Her tone was a little anxious and her expression somewhat dry. My son interpreted her body language and expressions as hostile and said, “Don’t be mean to my mom!”
When these issues come up, I reassure my son and encourage him to give people the benefit of the doubt. “That nice lady only wanted to know about the trail.” I relate these experiences here because I want you to consider what would happen to my son if there was an adult male in his life who modeled the same competitive, suspicious behavior he is predisposed to. I have no doubt what would happen; these traits would become greatly magnified!
Studies have confirmed that nurture magnifies nature to produce antisocial behavior in at risk children. Two of the primary predictors of sociopathy in the children of sociopaths are a hostile style on the part of the sociopathic parent and hostile parenting. Interestingly, sibling to sibling spread of antisocial behavior also occurs via this hostility factor. Last week we received a letter from a mother whose former husband and now adult son are both sociopaths. She expressed guilt over not fighting harder when her son asked to live with his father. She didn’t fight because she also had two other children in the home who were suffering at the hands of their sibling, who was developing sociopathic personality traits. I believe that this mother’s decision, to focus her energy on the children she believed could be helped, likely saved the other two children. In the real world, people who have had children with sociopaths often have to make very difficult, gut-wrenching decisions.
Sociopaths not only model a suspicious/hostile attitude toward others, they can also be hostile toward family members, including children. For children who are not dominant, hostility directed toward them from a sociopathic parent creates anxiety and depression. When dominant children are the recipients of hostility, they simply throw it back or displace it on others. Either way, a home that is not a source of peace is bad for child well-being. In order to learn to love, children must learn to enjoy affection. In homes where anger abounds, children come to enjoy food, various forms of video entertainment, and other escapes, as opposed to really enjoying loved ones. This creates a problem with the pleasure balance that sets these children up to develop alcoholism and addiction later on. When love does not abound in our lives we seek to fill the void”¦and the result can be disastrous.
EB, look at the link behind this posters name, he is SELLING something. I already notified Donna.
I hear you about Junior, and I know it is difficult to “kick’em out in the snow” to survive on their own. I even felt sort of like that when I tossed out son C last year and he’s 40 for crying out loud! LOL But you know, I am NOT going to have ANY drama in my home. Period. End of that conversation. I will not argue with someone about their behavior in MY HOUSE. MY HOUSE, MY RULES. LIKE IT OR LEAVE. END OF STORY. This house is NOT A DEMOCRACY. I do NOT have to be fair.
Funny thing about the “being fair.” After my husband died, I had decided how I would FAIRLY divy up the heirlooms belonging to my husband’s side of the family.
First off, I would make xerox copies of all the things like family photos and so on, and would make out X# piles and then “deal it like cards so that every pile got either an original OR A COPY of every photo. Then with the TRINKETS, I would “deal them out” as well, and every pile that didn’t get an original would get a xerox of that trinket. Tie tacks, cuff links, money clips, pins from events or his skating medals etc. So that each pile would have an equal number of original photos and an equal number of original trinkets but a copy of all the other stuff. Then I would number the piles and the kids could “could draw numbers” for each pile. I figured the kids could then pass on to their own kids whatever or when ever they wanted to. None of this stuff was “valuable” in terms of money (my husband’s $$ valuables were stolen —in fact our hired hand stole his gold watch off his body as he lay dying!) LOL but anyway, I was telling P son about how I had come up with this FAIR PLAN so that no one of the kids, step kids, or adopted kids could feel that I was NOT FAIR each would get a fair chance in the heirloom trinket lottery.
P son then shot me back a letter saying “DON’T DO THIS UNTIL WE HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK FACE TO FACE, YOU ARE HIS WIFE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE FAIR.”
Well, what he was saying was, “I don’t want you to be fair….and I want it ALL, so don’t give it away until I can convince you to give it all to me.” LOL
This was actually right before the last time I saw him, and when I saw the SATANIC look out of his eyes as he told me how his crime was WORSE than even the cops knew. The last time I even wanted to see him. I can close my eyes and still see that DISTURBING “Charlie Manson” stare, that EVIL LOOK of malice and pure hate. It was the thing that tipped the scale for me, that look. That comment.
I saw that SAME LOOK on my p sperm donor’s face as well, and on my egg donor’s face as well. I saw in in that famous photo of Charlie Manson being hauled off as he was arrested, IDENTICAL LOOKS. I’ve seen my P-DIL look at me with hate, but even then NOT THAT LOOK of utter rage and malice that I saw on my P son’s face, and my P sperm donor’s face, and yes, on my egg donor’s face, though I’m not sure she is a total psychopath, just more I think an enabler that is quite willing to PUNISH anyone that doesn’t go along with the family plot and family Play.
Since CONTROL, and the lust for control and power is a prime part of the psychopath’s traits, maybe she is somewhat psychopathic…it is a continuum and not an absolute is or isn’t a psychopath, there are different levels of the traits—but it doesn’t matter if she “qualifies” as a psychopath with a score above 30 on the PCL-R or not (she wouldn’t) she is TOXIC, and toxic people in our lives are not going to work well.
EB, I know you are going through some rough times right now, but take care of YOU in the mix…and if you down size in stuff to fit your little rental house so that you have what YOU need to be comfortable, my advice on the rest of the stuff that you can’t put in the little house, sell it, give it away or throw it away, it will end up costing you more in storage than it is worth. “Storage is where we keep stuff for 10 years before we throw it away.” LOL I am speaking from experience here! Stuff ROTS in even the best of storage places. And it is work to move it into and out of storage plus paying the storage costs. (((hugs))))
Oxy…I feel the same way about storage units….I’ve never had one myself….and every friend who ever has, it’s been a place to collect shit that you eventually throw out…..
I DON”T want to go that route. Nor the expense and weight of knowing i’ve got to deal with the storage shit at some point.
If I don’t get rid of it now……I’ll pay for it forever…..
It’s tiime to DELETE.
I’ll pack up what I want, then open my house up for the vultures to pick through.
Crazy thought…..this is what my life has boiled down to….
Thanks for the hugs oxy…..they all help!
FAD’s Passport Saga continues…
Please, fellow mom’s out there, help me compose something that sounds EVEN more convincing than this! (PS I am incited because I KNOW he is NOT capable of this level of literacy; he did not write this!)
“FAD,
It seems quite selfish to prevent our son from having a nice warm vacation with his father outside of the United States. The primary benefit of our son traveling outside of the country is for him to be on vacation with his father in a new and exciting location. There are places I would like to expose him to, that are exciting, family-oriented, and educational for children. Whether he remembers this now or not, memories will be created, fun will be had, and traditions will be shaped. In addition, the weather during the winter months in the U.S is never warm in comparison to the Caribbean (even in April the U.S weather is unpredictable). And the United States may be a sufficient travel arena for you and our son, but not for our son and myself. I have set aside as much money as I could in a vacation fund over the past few years to take our son on vacation. With me finding a new job, I do not know how long it would be before I have any vacation time in the future, so I intend to use this money towards this February vacation.
(Let us remember that jerkface just lost his job, AND has consistently had his CS amount lowered each year on the count of, “I won’t get as much over time next year.”
And has been delinquent in payments to me, yet he has SAVED up money for this TRIP!!!?)
On another note, I will reiterate my stance on the fact that our son’s health, safety, and well being are my first priority in any and all decisions that are made (just like you). I would never intentionally position our son in any danger.
As such, I have dedicated a substantial amount of time to researching what type of government warnings, threats, and vaccinations are required for various countries. I know what countries native tongue is English so there would not be any language barrier. Although having our son exposed to different cultures (e.g. languages, beliefs, customs, and practices), food, and history will allow him to understand different points of view in the future.
Regardless of his age, life is about learning and making memories. Yes I stated that our son was still young and will not remember these vacations we take him on. And yes I did state that I did not think it was worth it to spend a lot of money on expensive vacations farther away until he is older. All this meant was that we are not going to exotic far away expensive places because of the fact. I just want to take him to the Caribbean so we spend less money but still provide him all the added benefits of traveling abroad. If he is not going to remember any vacation or “anything” for the next few years, why bother taking him to Disneyland as you did at even a younger age than he is now? It is important for us to both understand he will not be this young forever. And it is up to us to make certain we create the best possible memories for him from here on out.
Aside from the above mentioned benefits, overseas travel can offer children a better sense of time. Children by definition live for the moment, with little regard for the past or the future. And part of growing up is learning to see ourselves as links in a chain that stretches into the past and can, with our help, extend into the future. In a country as young as the United States, though, it is not often easy to make that connection. That being said, our country is not the only one within this world. And there is no better time than now to have him experience life to the fullest.
I also realize which countries have the same forms of transportation as in the United States and which countries offer individuals, especially children, better health care than others, in the event of an emergency. Proper care and attention, educating myself daily, and common sense will go great lengths in assuring his safety. (We all know he is incapable of either.)
On a side note, the distance our son would be away from you would be closer than if I were to take him across the country to California, which is in the U.S.
Moreover, I never once mentioned anything to you regarding traveling with “friends.” (some of you may remember him saying he was traveling with “people”) So I am not sure why you keep assuming I am traveling with friends every time I take our son somewhere. And please do not act like you had to cancel your vacation plans because of me. (All I said was I had to cancel my plans.) I had no part in this decision, and frankly was never made aware that I was the cause of you changing such plans. As is, I already offered to take our son a couple days earlier to accommodate your vacation plans, so that has nothing to do with our son or I on our February vacation.
I also previously stated I wanted to take our son to Canada over the winter. Although a passport is not required for our son, it would be preferred he have one between the U.S and Canada. Should you deny me taking our son to Canada, it would seem unreasonable seeing as it is very similar to the U.S. I would appreciate when I do decide to take him you do not deny this trip. Your consent in writing would therefore be appreciated.
If you still choose to deny our son a passport to go to the certain places in the Caribbean, I would then prefer to take our son to either the U.S Virgin Islands or Puerto Rico, since they are U.S Islands and do not require any individual to possess a passport. These places are still the U.S, and according to our settlement agreement we both signed, we can take our son to anywhere in the U.S as long as we let the other know one week in advance. Once I finalize the arrangements, I would like your confirmation in writing of receiving the information on where we are going on vacation.”
jerkface”
*My previous e-mail (as a reference):
“jerkface,
After careful consideration, I don’t think a trip outside of the country is in our son’s best interest.
As his mother, his health, safety and well-being are my chief concern.
Considering the lack of adequate health care and automobile safety, along with language barriers,
health advisories, and the current terrorists threats against our nation, as well as the distance our son
would be from his other parent, I think it is premature for either of us to take him out of the country.
I have no intention to take our son out of the country for the same reasons I listed above.
As you stated yourself, he will likely not remember this trip, or any for the next few years.
Not to mention that there is no benefit to him to travel abroad.
The risks simply outweigh the benefits.
That being said, getting him a passport is something we should discuss again in a few years.
At the same time, I do not want to prevent you from having a warm February vacation.
If you had your heart set on traveling with your friends this February, you might consider
exchanging vacations with me, as I have already had to cancel my plans.
FAD”
Any good responses would be SOOOO appreciated. It’s not that I don’t see through his BS reasons, it’s just that all of this arguing (for lack of a better word) is EXHAUSTING.
Dear FAD,
that sounds good. I would also add something along the line of.
“since you are without a job now, you might consider that you should post pone spending this money for a vacation at this time until you have a more secure income source than unemployment. With our nation’s unemployment at 9.6% and in our state, X%, and with your lack of educational and job skills for employment above security guard level, you might want to consider too that our son is still going to require medical care, clothing and other expenses, so the money you have saved, while you were behind in child support, might better be spent on keeping current in child support.
I WOULD RUN ALL THIS BY YOUR LAWYER BEFORE YOU SEND IT AS WELL.
Darling, I know this is all so exhausting and that you would just like all this to END. Well, it won’t end until junior is 18 you can count on that, so just adjust your thinking about it (I know that’s hard, he’s not my X and I still want to kick the SOB in the balls!) LOL Yes, I did get my surprise thank you! (((hugs))))
FightAnotherDay……I would have read it and my response would have been a simple ‘NO’ Just reading it gave me a headache!
Selfish….for who?!
‘Once he finalises the arrangements’ …he’s not asking you in the last sentence …he’s telling you!
He’s saying ‘if you choose to deny your son a passport’ are you the baddie now?
Why is he even asking about other countries when your agreement is the States?
It strikes me that he has nothing better to do but sit and write (or get someone else to write) all this rubbish.
He’s just messing with your head.
Sorry I do not know your full situation so if I’m inaccurate please forgive me.
Oh,
Oxy, That was my previous response, so I obviously need to fill the next reply with more verbiage and reasons against traveling.
This letter is SO inciting because jerkface NEVER left the country his whole life and is poorly educated himself, so how is he one to say how valuable international travel is. There are also many very bright and educated people like myself who do not find a NEED to travel abroad, and find it just as valuable to discover and learn about our own Nation’s great history and heritage.
I am certainly NOT saying my son should never leave the country, but such travel can certainly wait until he is older and can TRULY appreciate the sort of advantage that jerkface quotes above (in my mind, I am thinking 6 years old.)
As far as travel to Canada; while my hometown’s proximity to Toronto Canada made is a great place for my family to frequent when I was young, I was at least 5 on our first trip.
The gift was the least I could do : ) Oxy.
Candy,
You are Right On!
And, a simple “no” SHOULD suffice, but I guess I am preparing for this to go through attorney’s and I want to have a “leg to stand on” besides my very humble and Unselfish convictions regarding my son’s safety.
It baffles me that he can go on and on about how beneficial this is to our son, but our son, even as bright as he is for his age, is only 2 1/2 and cannot possibly fathom that he is hundreds of miles from home, in another country, or especially appreciate other cultures, even if he may pick up on their differences.
OMG…..
:(…I would never win a mother of the year award that’s for sure. I know that. My son loves video games. He LOVES it! And I let him love it too. My children are loving people. They genuinely care for others and in society are kind to others (working on youngest son now, he cried like a baby the other day and there was no way it wasn’t real. It was a break through for us as a family), and show that kindness and empathy. I hug my kids A LOT. Tell them I love them A LOT. I”ve always done that. I also make it a point for us to share dinner together each night. They don’t have a choice, lol! That’s just how it is. Be there or BE SQUARE! They do know love, and I know they feel love.
But I see my mistakes glaringly obvious. My children were traumatized too by Spath and our relationship. This morning, when I awakened, the first thought I had was “today is a new day! I’m going to be positive, and FORGIVE MYSELF for my past mistakes. Those are in the past. I’m going to live in the present in peace and look forward to the future”. I keep saying, “I forgive myself” over and over.
I don’t know what to do, admittedly,with what has been and how it has affected my children. If I could take back what happened,I would. But I can’t.
One of the things that means so so so much to me, is that my children forgive me, and they have been consistent in saying that despite my relationship with spath, they KNEW they were loved by me. That gives me some comfort. I think it’s so important for me to learn to forgive myself as easily as they do, so I can work harder at healing our stuff.
This was a VERY enlightening article. Thank you for writing it!
FAD,
lots of good ideas in the above posts.
You might try:
spath,
are we talking about the same son? because the son I have is 2 1/2.
Anyone who has studied child development knows that it’s best to Keep family outings with a 2-year-old short and simple. The child this age has a short attention span and lengthy activities will cause the child to become irritable and tired. Frankly I don’t believe it is in the best interests of our son to subject YOU to such a frustrating event.
At 2 1/2, the best possible memories for our son would have been a happy 2-parent family, not exotic travel to tropical climates. But you were not able to provide that so, the next best thing you could do is provide the monetary support that will keep him healthy and provide a good education. Instead, you managed to save for a caribbean vacation for a 2 1/2 year old, (while “unemployed”) but couldn’t pay your child support on time and had to have it reduced. The judge will love to read that logic.
This is the kind of selfish “logic” that you have always displayed and it’s WHY I don’t want our son to be outside the jurisdiction of the court system that can protect him from any further “logical” decisions you might make while out of the country.
But what I ascertain most from your email is that you just have nothing better to do with your time than try to waste mine. Be my guest, I find it amusing.
Regards,
FAD
LOL!
Skylar. You and my brother could really hit it off.
Coming up next. My brother’s response to the BS!
I am SO glad my friends (here) and loved ones can keep me sane through humor.
Love
FAD