Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
This is a really interesting point, and one that I’ve been thinking about, but in more of a vague way. Dr. Leedom explains it very succinctly.
My ex S absolutely used language to manipulate me. It’s like he figured out what words I liked, and then consistently strung them together when he wanted to make sure I was hooked. I look back on our emails, and see that it was when he started cheating more regularly that he started using stronger words of love, trust, monogamy, “US,” special, forever, etc, with me. It looks like right after periods where he disappeared for many hours in the middle of the workday, he would hop back online and write me an email stringing all of the magical words together. And I would be so pleased and mesmerized by these words that I would be certain that my worries about “where he had gone off to” were simply my insecurities, because clearly this man loved me so much. Just look at what he said.
As his behavior got worse and worse, he words in his emails got sweeter and sweeter. He invoked God, said our relationship was “blessed” and that God has brought us together. He even said God spoke to him at times, telling him that we belonged together. His words did their job for a long time, and I was eating out of his hands….he could disappear for hours in the morning or afternoon (when he cheated), but as long as he used all of those words when he came back on line, I would be assured that he loved me, God loved me, and that everything was fine. I would be thrilled, in fact. Thrilled that someone would love me enough to say those beautiful things, express those wonderfully loving sentiments.
It was not until his behavior was outrageous, and really that he couldn’t even bring himself to string together these words, he had so much disdain for me, that I started to see more clearly.
He was a master with words. And in hindsight, everything he said about love and life was completely without substance. In fact, his behavior was in complete opposition to his words.
If only I had paid more attention to what he did, rather, than what he said, I would have gotten out much more quickly. He used words to spin a very sticky web in which I got more thoroughly entangled with each passing day.
Healing Heart: My EX used those same kind and loving words with me. What was the worst of all of this … he did me in while I was being systematically destroyed every day by my bosses.
Talk about cowards and focused on greed and what was in it for them … destroying my life and career. I was nothing but a convenient stepping stone so they ALL could get what they wanted.
But, I did the best that I could. My attorneys (2 attorneys for 2 separate situations) played me, my bosses and their cronies played me and my fiance played me … all for what they could get and who cared about decency, never mind justice … which just flew out the window. They all got what they greedily wanted at my expense.
Talk about blinded sickness!
Peace.
Wow. This is interesting. Bad Man was notably dramatic with his words. I noticed his way of expressing himself had an element of high drama.
Also, as a Minister, he used words to manipulate the crowd. He told me that the “alter call” was a “formula.” The later call is when in certain evangelical churches are praying and ask people to come to the front of the church for prayer of confessing. There is typically a lot of boo-hooing. I felt uncomfortable with this before and I absolutely HATE this now.
BTW, I am not going to partake in any religious debates today.
I noticed that he adopted certain phrases that I used. The loving ones…..he would later say back to me as if he was using them for the first time. I would think “Uh, I said that exact thing to you 2 weeks ago, why are recycling it so precisely?” It was like he was collecting “things to say to your lover,” and then used them as part of his schtick.
And he sometimes said flowery words to me that didn’t sound like him – they were something new. I realize now that he was incorporating something someone had said to him in his “sweet nothings” to me. Sometimes the things he said were something a woman would say. Ick
I think sometimes he wrote one email and then cut and paste different email names and addresses. Sometimes I noticed that they were very loving, but never said anything specific about me. Just talked about how wonderful and magical our love was. And some of the emails were really long and looked like they took a lot of time (another reason why I thought he loved me). I think they were recycled. He almost never used my name in emails. It was always “Baby.” And he never said specifics like “I love the way your blonde hair looks” it was all vague and generic. But it didn’t seem that way because it was incredibly loving. It seemed anything but generic, it seemed like fiery, passionate, devoted love. But in hindsight, it was probably something he sent to four women at once.
But his use of words was excellent. It’s amazing now to look at them (old emails) and realize that they were completely hollow. He did not mean those things – I don’t think he even understood them. But his language was powerful.
I saw his profile on match.com a few weeks ago. It was amazing. It read like an incredibly wonderful, generous, loving, supportive, compassionate man. But it didn’t sound like him. It certainly wasn’t him. It’s an incredibly alluring and sticky web of lies.
i never got emails … or letters … or cards. i wasn’t allowed to take photographs of him either. he always thought ”the words will someday be used against me.”
This article is incredible! I think it hits the nail right on the head. In fact, I’m tempted to print a copy to acompany all of my P’s emails, IMs, and blogs when I go to my lawyers office.
As some of you know I am divorced from a P, but we have a son together. He has managed to harass me all week. I filed a case with the child support people and now he is really mad. He called my home several times and wanted me to explain why his support payments are higher (because he is in the rears that’s why) and why I attempted to file a restraining order on him (he had been harassing me through all of the above mentioned ways and I tried to get a restraining order. Since he hadn’t threatned to kill me they denied it). He told me that by me attempting the restraining order that he was passed over for a promotion at work. Doesn’t make much sense to me….
Anyway, at the advice of someone here I have adopted the “No contact” policy as much as I can. I am having my father handle all phone calls and pick up and drop off my son when the P has visitation. I told my P today and he responded by telling me that if he could not talk to me then he did not want my father parking in his girlfriends driveway when he came to pick up my son, and that he did not want me taking my son to visit his parents anymore. This all came after I received a “heartfelt” (bleh! That was me vomiting…) email telling me how sorry he was that he had hurt me and his family, that he was happy that I had a good relationship with his foster parents, and oh by the way could we modify visitation?. My thought is that the motivation behind the email was to A. butter me up, B. get more visitation, and C. have a sappy letter to show a judge what a wonderful person he is and how hard he is trying (insert vomit here!). I believe that the motivation for him telling me not to visit his parents is that he believes that I get enjoyment out of seeing them so he wants to try and take that away.
BTW, I am reading Without Conscience right now and it has been enlightening to say the least.
At this point I am hoping that the no contact thing will make him rethink seeing his son at all. I really think the only reason he sees him now is so he can get to me. I hope that if I’m able to take myself out of the picture, that he will leave forever.
My biggest concern is my son and his well-being. I have already scheduled him to see a child psychiatrist. He is only a year old, but is already showing more displays of temper than most children which concerns me.
I don’t want to be in trouble with a judge for cutting off the P. I don’t think, as has been discussed several times over, that a judge would understand the weight of the situation. Any suggestions? I’m open to all.
Dear LB,
I think your idea of not letting your X see YOU is a good thing. He will continue to try to see YOU as long as he can get a response out of YOU. He doesn’t give a rat’s behind about a one year old or “visiting” wiht a one year old who can’t give him any positive feed back and will cause him trouble. So, if you hang on long enough and don’t communicate with hi AT ALL except via your dad or attorney or court, he will get blooming tired of changing diapers etc. for “visitation” if it doesn’t get him ACCESS TO MAKE YOU MISERABLE.
NO CONTACT as much as possible is the ONLY way I think you have a chance of winning against him. At some point when he is waaaay in arrears with the child support payment mayybe you can trade him a pass on thepayments for a release of parental rights and visitation. In other words, buy your kid from him. I’ve seen that work with some of them.
I have h eard though that somecourts won’t vacate the parent’s rights unless there is another person to “adopt” them, so you might have a problem there so you might check with your lawyer and see what your state would accept.
Good luck and hang in there for your child’s sake. (((hugs)))
Dr. Leedom: This raises some very interesting questions for me. It’s my understanding, from my wide-ranging study of literature on brainwaves and thought patterns, that the intuition and emotions are pre-verbal, rising up from the lower, slower brainwaves (theta, alpha, and perhaps even delta), and then being articulated through the speech center via our higher, faster brainwaves — the beta waves that have to do with analytical thought: typically listmaking, judging, criticizing, etc.
Between the lines, you are suggesting that those words the S/P uses never did come from anywhere close to either the emotional or the intuitive realm. The words come straight out of analyzed, processed observations, memory, etc.
From my experience, and from my synthesis of a lot of reading on psychopathic behavior, I keep feeling that any of our tit-for-tat or other negotiating and communication tools are worthless with an S/P because anything they say doesn’t come from anyplace that is true. Does this also suggest why the observation is that the S/P has a shallow affect? Glib, superficial?
I’m intrigued. Great post.
Dear Healing Heart
My ex P recycled phrases in exactly the same manner. In the very early early days on meeting my ex P, i remember clearly saying to him ‘i like to treat others in the way i would like to be treated’. This is a regular statement i have made throughout my life and try to abide by. On one of our final talks on the phone (i was still acting a little crazy at this time as i was not aware of what i was dealing with), he quoted the exact same words to me with no depth or emotion, just as if he were reciting them for a play.
The generic words were always used by him also. It was only after seperation did he call me by my given name. I actually wonder if he even remembered my name in the time we were together. lol
I also clearly remember, over time, making statements that i am fully aware never came from him. Statements that id heard others use, he would use them as if they were his own and that they had never been said before. Yes, the occassional statement where i would wonder where who he collected those group of words from, or a idea , turned out to be other victims hed sucked in. My exact same response to his recycled quotations, HUH!
lost in grief – i to, was never allowed to take photos and never received anything in writing in the 8 years we were together. Now i see it for what it is, there was to be little or no evidence or our relationship, so he could manipulate his next victim.
Rune-i love your insightful posts.
I love you all and may not have survived if it was not for this site xx
Wow Liane Leedom,
Thanks.
“Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible. ”
I thought I was the only person in the universe who had ever had those thoughts. A few years ago I left an organization headed by a Narcissist because I felt huge angst with respect to the ethics of appearing to support his agendas.
Over time I had observed that almost everything he said was designed to manipulate someone, attack someone or further some unwholesome agenda. The trouble was, on the surface his remarks always seemed benign. It caused a huge crisis of conscience for me. I couldn’t figure out what his “angle” was most of the time, at least not ’til after the fact. Then I’d realize I’d contributed to his successful gaslighting, denigrating or worse because by my mere presence and silence I’d seemed to support him.
I wish I’d slipped away silently, but that’s another story. I’m just thankful you’ve stated the problem so succinctly. If nothing a person says can be trusted, then just being around him/her is a huge source of ethical conundrums.