Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
Matt: So how about a halfway house for us traumatized, reeling, bloodied victims of these cons? I’d like to see the money from the production going to support the LF getaway weekend!
Rune:
Concur. Difference between our production and their production is our eyes blink!
My God – that is such a creepy scenario – the ex Con production and Matt being there and uniquely perceptive….and the cons perceiving HIM, as well. YUCK. I don’t know if I could have sat through that! Watching the dead-eyed cons con a theater full of ostensibly good people who are seeing the best in the cons……..SHIVER
I’m curious Matt – did it make you anxious? Angry?
Healing Heart:
During the performance I remember my initial thought regarding the good-looking one was “Man-oh-man, you’ve already had one relationship with an ex-con. Don’t you ever learn your lesson?”
Then I was sort of pleased with myself that I had figured out that a huge con was taking place on the stage.
When I started to become aware that I had become the focus of their attention, I was trying to figure out why they were giving me that same look the S gave me. I now see that it was because I was telegraphing my disbelief. A direct challenge to them.
I wasn’t anxious. I was definitely angry. At what was going on up there on the stage. And at the fools in the audience.
Having worked in the criminal justice system, I am well aware that there are major-shortcoming in the system and the obstaacles ex-cons face on the outside.
That said, wWhat floored me was the self-righteous sense of entitlement in their responses. How dare the former governor cut out their ability to earn college courses while they were in prison. How dare they deny me a license to practice whatever trade I learned in prison? How dare they send people to prison — a system perfectly designed to ensure you return?
After the “performance” you could mingle with the “performers.” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Matt: Your S/P radar must have been buzzing! An amazing story.
the OW did think that it was me. we talked and she now understands that it was’nt me but i know how he works and he will continue to tell her that im lying to her. anyway the email he made up of me was on gmail. how do i contact them to protect myself?
Blondie:
I’ve never signed up for gmail. But, when you signed up, was there a “terms of agreement” that you agreed to abide by? That may have information on how to contact them. Also, try googling something like “Gmail — problems/complaints” or “Gmail — site administrator”. That should get you there.
oh and another thing. i cant really prove he opened this email. the ow just told me that she was getting emails from there. so i dont think i can do much with hear say.
im thinking im going to change my phone number so he can never reach me ever!
blondie:
Any chance she can send you an email so you can see the address? If he’s using your name in any manner, this could give you some ammo.