Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
Elizabeth: You were one of the N’s unwitting accomplices. This is another level of destruction that they wreak on us — the way they use other people to further their weird agendas. But they can do it in ways that you can hardly imagine. For example, the N might want to “prove” to you that someone else, “Jack” we’ll say, endorses his program. He’ll tell you all about what he did for “Jack,” like last October, and he’ll tell you a story in some gory detail (maybe something embarrassing about Jack like how he went on a drunken bender, or he lost his house payment playing poker, — some lie about Jack) and then elicit your silence by saying, “Of course you should keep quiet about this, because Jack wouldn’t want to know that I told you.” Then he’ll call Jack over from across the room — Jack may not have any real relationship with N, but Jack will come over and N will say, “Jack, we were really lucky to get through October, weren’t we!” And Jack will look slightly confused, but you will think it’s just embarrassment over the story, and Jack will say, “Yes we were,” (while he thinks, “What was that about?”) and you’ll have the impression that N helped Jack (this bolsters N’s reputation and tears down Jack) and you won’t question Jack about N because you don’t want to embarrass Jack.
So you will have just gotton the weird N/S/P version of “social proofing,” and Jack will have become an accomplice to N, without ever having a clue.
Later, when you start having the ability to peel back the layers of deception, you might replay that incident, or not. Meanwhile, you will have been used by the N in just that way to validate him with other people. Like, the N could use the fact that you and he were in conversation to relate to some other person a fictitious version of your conversation — something embarrassing (and fictional) about you, and then call you over . . .
I think that people who endorsed Bernie Madoff to other trusting investors must be feeling the horror of being the unwitting accomplice at this point. When it’s in a church that is supposed to exist to further you along the path to salvation, is that worse?
Wow Rune,
You really get it. I’ve had the hardest time articulating my angst over even the most casual association with a certain N. Describing phenomenon like the one you just outlined made me sound certifiable – yet subtle little games like that happened almost continually.
It made me feel like Alice felt when she dropped down the rabbit hole. The only difference was that Alice’s transition to “Wonderland” was sudden and obvious. I had no clue how or when I’d ended up in an alien world.
Good analogy, Rune! My mother is my P-son’s dupe (she also has problems of her own) and I call it “psychopath-by-proxy” as he persuades her to do his dirty work for him, in the name of “protecting” him from my “unjust attacks.” He lies to her, very convincingly.
He is also a GREAT STUDENT of philosophy. He is continually reading and learning language to use to manipulate others. Philosophy that sounds SO PROFOUND and sooooo DEEP, and he knows how to USE that language, but has NOT A CLUE of the meaning. He does not see any of the contradictions between what he says and what he says. Robert Hare mentioned that and that is one of the REAL telling points, a REAL RED FLAG to me when a person says one thing, but does another. Or when one minute they are spouting “What would Jesus do?” and the next it is all about something horrible and evil.
As Jesus said, you don’t find two different kinds of fruit on ONE TREE. So in other words, if you find rotten apples and beautiful oranges growing on the SAME TREE, you can bet that the oranges have been tied on with “string.” LOL
So my mom and I have been talking and she is afraid that if I cut off contact with him then the only way left for him to hurt me is through our son. I DO NOT want my son endangered more than he already is by being in the P’s presence. So should I renig on my no contact? I am afraid he would hurt my son to hurt me. After all someone on here said never to let him know what I love because he will make it his goal to take it away from me. He obviously knows that I love my son very deeply. Should I sacrifice myself so that my son can be safer or will it not make a difference in the end? I really need some direction….
Oxy: As the pseudo-catsitter, pseudo-minister said, “Jesus Christ!” And he wove that into a next sentence that sounded like he was his “humble minister” persona, when he was just a punk, the teenage thug at age 73.
But notice, how this isn’t even your garden-variety liar: as Robert Hare said, “They know the words, but not the music.” And they’ll memorize those words, and drag them out in inappropriate ways, and if you’re not paying very close attention, the words almost make sense.
totally off subject…but i got the most rediculous news today. the OW that my ex was with has now put a PPO out on me. ive never even met this girl in my life. ive never talked to this girl on the phone in my life. I would love to know how im a theat to her? i’d like to know what evidence she has to prove this? we dont even know each other. its completely rediculous that ive moved on with my life and i get drama from a past relationship.
Litterbox: Read my post above. ANY contact with the S/P is going to give him ammunition to use you, in ways you can’t imagine. If you can somehow become NOT INTERESTING, that’s you’re best bet. If he thinks he can’t get to you, you’ll be less interesting. If you can act bored, you will be less interesting. He wants a fight, or your pain, but he really doesn’t want your boredom!
DO NOT give up your son to him. That will not make your son safe.
I have to give my P the court ordered visitation every week. The way I was going to handle no contact was to have a 3rd party handle all the telephone calls and pick up my son for me after visitation. I don’t understand why when he has already moved in with another woman and her parents why he is still trying to irritate me. I have to confess that I have a severe form of anxiety disorder which makes me….apparantly very interesting to him. How do I become boring. It’s not like I can just turn off my own issues. If I could I would have done it years ago.
I’ll be back I just have to put my son down for a nap.
“Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.”
I like the way this was written. In a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired result and about the card (any communication) being an instrument to have an affect. In my case ALL of this was true. As I continue to have “flashbacks” and many memories of more and more lies that become evident, it is true that it was all designed to have an affect…..either to make something more attractive to me or to make something appear more believable or to seem more intimidating…… and none of it was consistent with any action or behavior, at least to show any level of integrity or to follow through on one positive thing he said.
His body was attractive and he was incredible sexy (steroid induced and artificial) but he achieves his end result, to attract women. Then he talksabout and pokes fun at guys he likes to accuse of abusing steroids as if he was not. he didn’t even care about the consequence (heart attack, liver, kidney problems).
He likes to show off his loud cars and offers to pay for things (then he walks out of the restaurant and complains that no one else grabbed the tab. When asked about his loud cars, he didn’t consider that other people may viw him as ateenage thug, in his 51 years, but it gets the attention. Everyone looks).
At a time when the country is at war, what a better time to sport the dog tags, diving watch, military bracelets. (he didn’t consider that the FBI may want him for inpersonating a SEAL or NSA agent who kills terrorists). Short term thinking.
It is a profound thing when you read this article. It’s the very thing that can keep us from making the same mistake. YET it takes time to see the consistency in one’s words and behavior. But at least now, I will be more vigilant about looking for it.
A physician told me said “He reads you like a blind man reads brail”. My therapist said, “You gave him the script. All he did was repeat the words.” It’s play acting to achive THEIR result, shallow, short sided and narrow as it may be or seem to those of us who run a little deeper than impulsiveness for immediate gain like theft, sex or attention. It’s who they are. It is what it is.