Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
blondie,
I believe what you are talking about is ON subject. It’s just another way to “document” their own fury because they believe if they can get someone to verify something in writing (truthful or not) that it must make them look like a victim.
The XS had his OW sending me text message at one point, then told me she was going to have me arrested for harassment (no proof). After I had 30 stalking incidents documented and he raged at me in public one afternoon (with witnesses) he went to an attorney and had a letter sent stating that I can no longer follow him and I should stay away from his house….blah blah blah. I had not been near his house and it was HE who had been following me. he did it for effect so that he could tell his friends and family what he did, before he would be arrested. SO good for him he paid a few hundred dollars to an attorney who sent me a letter with no proof. Essentially that’s what they are doing to you.
It’s about the show, not the truth.
Litterbox: I hate to suggest this, but with a third-party doing the transfer, are you still giving him ammunition? Can you trust the third-party not to fall in with some new game he might try?
Can you possibly be there to hand over your son, with the third-party keeping you company, so that you can SHOW HIM YOU ARE BORED, and you have a witness? I know this is profoundly difficult, but I’m thinking that if this just become tedious for him, and he’s not “getting to you,” that he just won’t get his thrill out of it.
That would mean that you have to have your psychic shields up so he doesn’t get to you, no comments, no “hi, how are you?” No interaction. Just the absolute minimum, with no glare, no fear, no anger . . .
Believe me, I know how hard this is. Truly.
how do you defend yourself when you did nothing wrong? they are not even together anymore.
Great post, and very interesting thread.
A lot of it made me laugh. Semi-hysterically, but I can’t help but think about doing a stage play about a bunch of robots staggering around, spouting words they’ve collected from television or from each other, getting more and more garbled with every repetition.
When I was a journalist, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on in a story, I’d “follow the money.” That is, figure out who profits. It usually helped me shake things out.
When I’m writing PR or marketing documents, all the writing is not just intended to inform, but to stimulate someone to act. To pick up the phone or write an e-mail to ask for a product demo or more information.
I’m trained in NLP, which is a change-management process that begins with developing rapport. Developing rapport involves reflecting back another person’s language, values, body language and interests so that person feels comfortable with you. (It’s not supposed to be unethical, just a first step in getting to the real meat of the process, which is discovering ways to correct dysfunction or pain.)
So with all of this, how could I be possibly suckered by a sociopath?
Because he got me to talk about myself. He asked flattering questions, and I told him everything about me.
My experience completely matches what Dr. Leedom wrote. Not one word, not one thing that happened wasn’t calculated.
Now when I look back, I ask myself “What was he after? What did he get out of it?”
But a funny thing is that, when I asked him to be more expressive about his feelings, the only feelings he had were disgust, anger, resentment, envy and desperation.
When I told him I was starving to hear him say “I love you,” he said it but the words wooden. Likewise when I told him that I wished he would care about how I felt, and he started saying “How are you?” It sounded like he was struggling with a foreign language.
Clearly, I wasn’t involved with the same kind of smooth talker some of us were.
KH: With a psychopath, you can’t even “follow the money.” This is part of why they are so mystifying — their motives are not like ours. You can never develop rapport with an S/P.
With yours, you must have programmed him, kinda like those old Disney “audioanimatrons.” He had a bit of “artificial intelligence,” but you thought you were working with a REAL human.
You said, “the only feelings he had were disgust, anger, resentment, envy and desperation.” Are you sure he even had THOSE feelings? Or was that just what you interpreted, because you still thought you were dealing with a normal human?
KH:
when i found out about his prego gf, i asked him if he had an emotional attachment to her.
he said, ”sure. we are exacty alike!”
so i repeated, “but what’s your EMOTIONAL connection.”
answer: “well, she looks a lot like my mom when she was young.”
me: i said EMOTIONAL!
him: ”i TOLD you. her and i are a lot alike.”
he didn’t know what i meant by ’emotional.’
it floored me. this, from someone i had known and loved for 20 years. it never occurred to me that all those years his understanding of ’emotional’ never rang an internal bell.
Rune– what do you mean that with a p– you can’t even follow the money?
Hi Akitameg!
How are you doing? It’s cool to have you back on a regular basis.
I’m sorry the airline thing didn’t work out. No matter what, I think you’re going to come out of this year with a great job. You seem like a real go-getter.
As for “with a p – you can’t even follow the money?”
I am looking forward to reading what Rune has to say. In my experience, the N/P/S don’t make sense. They occasionally choose destroying something or hurting someone over gaining financially. More frequently, they just can’t behave themselves, even when it’s clearly to their financial benefit to act civilized. They often allienate/infuriate/devestate their targets too early. Behaving themselves for just a short while longer would have netted them greater financial rewards.
Akitameg,
I thin I remember you writing that you had to leave your dog behind when you moved. (Am I confused about this?) If not, how’s that going?
Hi Elizabeth!!!
I had to leave my beloved dog– with the hope of getting him back– down south with dear friends.
I am now staying with my sweet, humble exhusband– wow is he proving to be a friend or what- in a studio apartment. My dog is an 80, gorgeous, white akita.
yeah– my body– and my foot– getting a major foot prob (Used to dance– now have a huge bunion from flat feet) — could not handle the flight attendant thing. What a lifestyle. Never now when or where or how long you will work. Always on your feet- very active. With my depression to bot– it was very difficult. You do not want a distracted flight attendant!!
Keep me in your prayers if you pray if you do not mind. I am emailing resumes as we speak. God bless you and yes– i am still and always plan to be in NC.