Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
KH: Perhaps “ripped off” = “entitled,” as in, “I was ripped off, so therefore I’m entitled. I think the S/P I was with just lived in “entitled,” to such an extent that the thought no longer even flickered in his brain, he just WAS entitled, and he changed situations like he would change channels with the remote (on my TV, with my remote, with my money backing the cable service!).
In the early days, he put together a music sequence that was just astounding (classic): great stuff that conjured up all sorts of “home, hearth, security, great love, etc.,” with lots of dreams, wishes and romance. The music was on a computer he had borrowed; he claimed that when he gave the computer back, there was no way for him to download the music, so it was lost. (Lie.) After that, the music he insisted on playing continually in the house was lite jazz — emotionless, Muzak-style covers. I think that was his real personality (disorder?) showing through.
KH: I don’t mean to be difficult. I think when we’re discussing this issue of emotions, we are addressing a core issue, and if you and I see things differently, we might be both Brailling our way around the elephant, but we’re likely to meet and learn in our exchange of info.
You bristled when I suggested that your S/P had “trained you.” To be more clear, I read from you, “he got me to talk about myself. He asked flattering questions, and I told him everything about me.” And I understand that in that exchange you downloaded the info he needed to be able to manipulate you. As did the S/P I was involved with. I “trained” him by telling him what mattered to me. He was also a good observer, quickly picking up on little things that he could use to “reassure” me. Nothing substantial, like getting the oil changed in the car, but fixing coffee, which he also liked. Or bringing me half of the breakfast he’d gotten at the bagel shop (as if he’d only done it for ME!).
I used to watch “Northern Exposure” whenever I could. I didn’t have regular TV service during much of the series, so when it came out on DVD, I was looking forward to watching it all in a piece. I thought it would be a great thing for us to share. He told me that other people also thought he would like it, but he just didn’t “get it.” I watched one episode with him — one of my favorites — and he might as well have been Teddy Roosevelt sitting up on Mt. Rushmore for all that he responded to the show. Later, when I had read “Without Conscience” and understood more about the disorder, I thought that the “Northern Exposure” test might be an interesting one to apply! The entire show is founded on nuances of relationship, humor, compassion, doing inadvertent harm, asking forgiveness . . . all sorts of alien concepts.
Rune:
Mine also lived in “entitled”. At about month 3 (some pathologist really needs to start looking to see if these guys have a bell that goes off then) mine announced “From here on in I’m only looking out for number one.”
I should have taken him at his word. But, silly me didn’t think that me — surely S wouldn’t do that to the man who was giving him his all?
It’s wierd how they also all seem to have some “Kodak/Hallmark moment” they trot out. Mine used to tell me how “his father said he was a good son” and how “his family was always there for him.”
And yet, I still remember a friend telling me “I never understood how his family, to a man, turned their back on him when he was sent to prison.”
Personally, I think their pasts are as big a fabrication as the rest of their lives.
Just a comment for Litterbox. I certainly feel your pain and angst, as I’m guessing others here do, also.
You might want to try your No Contact without so much fear. If your anxiety issues are flaring up, could you set up a schedule on paper (typed page/envelope; no signature), use the answering machine. Brief email?
This is only if you feel confident he is not going to hurt the baby.
Everyone is so right. He cannot see you sweat. But if your dad does some of the pickup and delivery (maybe he can be friendly with the GF parents and check them out), then you could pop by for one of the pick ups, when you feel up to it.
Eventually BabyDad won’t want to be bothered, I think. If he can stir things up, he will. Expect it. It will taper off until he gets a new hair bothering him.
Unfortunately, while you have this child together, you will be challenged.
Saying/doing litttle or nothing, and STAYING AWAY from him is the best advice.
Veryfamiliar & Litterbox: I’ve talked about “The Sedona Method.” Very briefly, it is one of many techniques that suggest that we can look at these emotions — fear, anger, even despair, etc. — and learn to “release” them so they won’t control us. I’m not saying to become a robot, but to step into a space to understand that these reactions might be learned responses, and the truth could be different. Only when we aren’t caught in the tornado of the emotion can we see what’s actually going on. And as we shift our emotional response to a situation, we might also shift the way people respond to us.
So, for example, the BabyDad likes to feed off of fear, because it makes him feel powerful. But if the fear isn’t in your vibration, he has nothing to feed on. If you’re angry, that can be a cover for fear, and it’s also likely to incite him to want to fight, to score over you in another way. If you are neutral, he doesn’t have anything to grab onto.
Do you ever watch martial arts movies? The attacker who comes in with emotion is invariably the one who loses, because he’s the one being ruled by something outside of his control.
Dear Litter Box,
The first thing you need to decide is what you want from the p (it can’t be “to be normal”).I decided what I really wanted was for my daughter and me to have as little contact with the p as possible and for the p to pay child support. I have found that reverse psychology works quite well with the p. It’s essentially about giving him his own medicine. The p started off the divorce fighting for full custody. Knowing that he doesn’t have any real interest in his daughter but is very interested in control and domination and just loves to fight and to WIN above all else, I gave him 50% custody. That took the wind out of that sail and saved me lots of money and fighting. Then I proceeded to limit engagement with him. Mind you, I was very involved in his manipulations before I saw the light. I put myself under strict rules. Step over any and all comments, references and information the p offers about himself. I allow myself absolutely no comments. I don’t hear it. I volunteer no information or comments , NOTHING, about myself or anything about anyone else. Except my daughter. Knowing that the p isn’t really interested in anything to do with anyone but himself, I blabber on endlessly about all things to do with her. I yak on and on. Big things, little minutiae things, any and all things daughter, forever until he gets so bored and irritated that he cuts me off. With me, there is no other conversation, period. If the p has something to say about daughter I can hear. Outside of daughter, I don’t hear. I don’t even tell him I won’t talk about something. I just don’t hear it. The result has been that he stopped trying to get any attention from me. And we all know that’s all they want (besides your money, of course). Now I’ll tell you how I got his involvement in my daughter’s life (thereby mine) down to a minimum in regards to shared custody. To the p, people are really no more than objects or, more pointedly, instruments to be used in service to the p. The p hates to be used and is keenly sniffing the dangerous air for a whiff of this form of abuse directed towards him. I would try my best to look dressed up as for a date, outing with friends, or business every time I would have to give him my daughter. I would always be in a bit of a rush to do the pass off. I had places to be you know “ta ta, have fun you guys!”. I would thank him effusively for his time and help taking care of my daughter. I would remind him frequently that I didn’t know how I could ever have been able to afford the help if I had to pay someone. After a while, a short while, he had the sense of being taken advantage of and would make excusses for not being available for babysitting. End of Story. Good luck with your p.
Rune,
I just caught your last posts here. I think we’re talking about the same thing. Yes, in that sense, I trained him, like training a voice response unit.
And yes, he was also good at picking up little things, when he was on the “incoming” phase, and had some motivation to charm me or gain my trust.
Something he did in the early days that probably got him more points than anything else was knocking at my office door before he walked in. I was managing about six employees at the time, and we had an equal number of large accounts. I carried a lot of the client work myself, particularly the writing. And my office was right in the center of the suite, Everyone had easy access to me, and I kept my doors open. People walked in for any reason, asking questions, sharing a joke, anything. Every time they did, my concentration was destroyed.
The first time, he stood outside my doorway and knocked, waiting for me to invite him in, I almost cried. It was the nicest, most respectful thing, and I hadn’t realized until that moment, how stressful all this traffic in my office had become. It got him huge points.
When I think about how he rampaged through my boundaries later, it’s hard to imagine that it was the same guy. But at that point, he was still working hard to cultivate me.
One of the things about this that I find interesting is that his disgust or boredom with what he did to get into my life wasn’t just about how tedious it all was. (As I heard about it later.) He seemed as disgusted with himself or his life as anything else. He imagined he deserved better things, and there was an element of constant anxiety and beating himself up for being stuck with what he was stuck with.
It was the flip side of his grandiosity. He was never happy with anything. One of my employees used the word “petulant” to describe him. When he got something that seemed to match his image of himself — the European suits or the BMW convertible — it gave him a temporary boost, but it didn’t last. Everything he looked at seemed to be a reminder of where he was versus where he should/deserved/was entitled to be.
That’s what I meant about the ripped off. My theory on him is that it started with a too-early and too-late separation from his mother, who put him up for adoption. He was old enough to have some faint memory of her, and I suspect he was something like a year old. Pre-verbal time frame, but well aware of his source of all good being ripped away. And then he spent a year in an orphanage. In some ways, it’s amazing he survived with any emotional system at all, but what was left was severely damaged.
So ripped-off is a kind of shorthand for a larger and more complex syndrome. Yes, it included a sense of entitlement, but that’s more under the umbrella of being emotionally stuck in a survivor mode where he trusts no one, depends emotionally on no one, and feels no human connection, except in terms of whether it supports his survival, ambitions or sensory pleasure. In an emotional sense, he is alone in the world, and always will be.
He is also perfectly aware that other people have more emotional capacity than him and all benefits that go with it. He lives with a kind of inarticulate envy and resentment that expresses itself through spite. Hurting someone else, making himself feel powerful or superior, is a way to make himself feel better or confirm that he’s not an inferior model.
None of it makes him a good person to play with.
Kathleen Hawk: Your EX and mine have the same MO. They hide behind the mask of sugary honey … oh so kind and considerate at first. Acting like the responsible man that anyone would love to have in their life. Doing their damage behind your back, using and destroying everything you worked for.
Talk about jealousy’s destruction! They hated us before they ever met us. Men (and women) that are FOOLS … love to come into an independent woman’s life and do total damage to her psyche as well as her belongings/bank account.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this FOOL. It has nothing to do with who you are, it has to do what these folks are lacking. Actually, they are broken people who want to break others.
KH & Wini: Me three! While they do their damage behind our backs.
While I was sitting in a coffee shop this morning, I heard two men at the next table describing their last work environment. As they went on about the new manager who arrogantly and willfully hired a young, unqualified guy, who would tie up people’s email accounts for several weeks rather than do a two-hour job to get them going again, who would rage and bully, who had a hot-shot resume, but that might have been falsified . . . I just couldn’t resist.
So, I caught the attention of one of the guys, and asked him several questions. “Do you know this man?” he asked. “How did you know that! It’s like you were there with us and saw it happen!”
Well, now at least these guys aren’t taking their job losses quite so personally, and I clued them in on where to look for more information. One small step . . .
Good for you Rune.
So many of the anti-social personalities jumped over others and climbed the corporate ladder … then bully everyone into submission so no one can get close them to figure out they can’t possibly do the job they sit in .. and everyone’s heads roll.
I hope Obama’s team understands this … and I hope before any more of the American money goes out of his hands to these corporations … change of officers and CEOs in said companies should be taken place if they haven’t done so already. Can’t be handing money to psychopaths.
Peace.