Old time psychoanalysts connect a young child’s desire to share experiences with caregivers to the development of a healthy personality. The idea that any pleasure is better if we share it starts shortly after the first birthday. That is also the time language starts to develop. Words then become a way to share experiences. Healthy people use words to share their feelings, interests and desires. A little child who has just learned to walk will bring her toy over to dad to share it. She is delighted when he makes some comment about it. We take for granted that everyone has this desire to share and take mutual delight.
As I write this I am sharing with you truths I have found deeply meaningful, so you are getting a part of me when you read what I write. If you read the many posts I have written you can get to know me to a certain degree. But what if my writing was not a reflection of anything I personally care about. What if I wrote only to cause some sort of reaction in you? I am not capable of that kind of writing because it is only my desire to share what I think is interesting and compelling that at all motivates me to write. If nothing interesting happens to me I find I have nothing to share and nothing to write. For me the sharing is everything, I wouldn’t write without it. After reading a new book, I thought about sharing this week and realized that if I didn’t want to share, I wouldn’t communicate at all. I like teaching at the university because for me teaching is a form of sharing and I feel affection for the students.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to a sociopath, but I am just now coming to grips with many aspects of the disorder. This week I understood on an emotional level this idea of sharing through verbal communication.
Regarding psychopaths, Elizabeth Howell wrote in The Dissociative Mind page 251:
Used instrumentally, words do not share the self or communicate with the other, but function as triggers to effect targeted behavior in another person. Even when the psychopath uses words imbued with a highly symbolic meaning, such as religious words or words evoking trust, he is not operating in the realm of symbolic thought (because his/her words are not functioning to symbolize any inner feelings). Thus psychopaths may appear or seem to be involved with symbols, as others are, but they are using their knowledge of others'(use of words) ”¦and manipulating through them.”
Rather than for sharing, a sociopath uses words instrumentally or for effect. His or her words have no real relationship to anything on the inside”¦ truly remarkable if you ask me; a reality that completely blows me away when I think about it even after all these years.
Howell further writes:
Unimpeded by any concern for the other or considerations of conscience, the psychopath uses language in a manner that can be highly effective in achieving the desired ends. And to the degree that instrumental behavior is effective it will be repeated.
As I consider what Howell wrote I am reminded of the card Gem’s father wrote to her for her 18th birthday (see last week’s blog). The card was purely instrumental, designed to have an effect on the reader.
Consider the profound implications of the instrumental use of language. You will likely come to two conclusions regarding what your sociopath says. First you always have to wonder what the sociopath is trying to achieve with his words because it ain’t sharing. Second you realize that no real communication is possible.
If you are stuck in life with a sociopath or are trying to decide if a continued relationship is possible please consider that every word that comes from the sociopath is instrumental. The sociopath has never shared herself with you. The sociopath has never really shared a pleasure with you. Even the sex was not about sharing. The sex was about the sociopath’s pleasure and his or her prowess as a lover.
Blondie,
YOu can contact the police and tell them “I have an ex BF that is harassing me,, and he got an internet account in my name and sent e mails supposedly from me harassing his OW and ______ fill in the blank. He told her he filed police reports on me. “I know all this sounds crazy” but this man is harassing me and I just want it to stop. I would like to know if he really did file some kind of bogus reports on me.
At least you will be on record with the cops. I am sure they have had this kind of situation before so they will not be suprised. Just be CALM, cool, etc. and don’t act like a “hysterical” woman (and BTW talk to a female if you can, sorry guys not being sexist just realistic)
If you have a therapist, you might also take in a letter from him/her attesting to this situation and tell the cops that you are NC with him since such and such a date…etc. tell them about the whole situation. but CALMLY etc. Try to “tone down” the story so that it isn’t too complex for the cops or unbelieveable. Sometimes our stories are so bizarre that NO ONE in their “right mind” would believe such a tale. ha ha Mine sure was, even my therapist made me bring in court documents and a witness. LOL
Blondie and Oxy, my report to the police department is typed, more than 30 pages, signed and notarized.
I had to write it in 2 columns. Left column is what my life with my EX was (so I was lead to believe – the fiction side of my life with him) of how it came to be.
Right column is FACTS … due to seeing written documentation (after the fact of his leaving) …what was the reality and what he did and how he did it.
I had to write my story down in the two category sequence, since I could think of no other way to explain it to other rational thinking people.
Peace.
Blondie:
I just saw in the paper a few days ago that some guy, I think it was in New York but am not certain of that, was convicted of posting naked pictures of his ex-wife on the internet.
Not the same as you, obviously, but iI bring it up to point out that internet stalking, etc is a crime. In your case, he is impersonating you. In every jurisdiction that is a crime.
I would start out by contacting the internet provider where he’s running this site out of and tell them what is going on.
I’d also contact the FCC — that agency handles and regulates all interstate comunications carriers and I am positive internet carriers fall under its jurisdiction. You should also contact your state attorney general’s office.
Blondie: You need to act on what he’s doing to you. He’s putting your well being in jeopardy … the OW may truly believe it is you and take action towards you. This is the saddest part of the games our EXs play … not caring about the cause and affect of their actions. Sitting back and letting the evil seeds they sow … grow and explode in innocent people’s lives.
So sad and so sick.
Peace.
I reread the original post tonight and it made me think back to an off-off-broadway production I went to see last weekend.
It was called “The Castle” and it featured four ex-cons who had been in the same-named half-way house.
The first thing that struck me when I saw the four on stage was they all had sociopath eyes — flat, unblinking.
Anyhow, all 4 launched into their “I’ve reformed and thank God for the Castle” spiel. One of the ex-cons in particular caught my attention. Very good looking, beautiful speaking voice. Particularly effective. He also had been arrested 67 times and served in excess of 20 years.
I looked around the audience and saw every last person there was lapping it up. I wanted to stand up and say “Attention ladies and gentlemen. These ex-cons are conning you.”
It was then that the friend seated next to me said “The good-looking one and the woman can’t take their eyes off of you. And the other two keep glancing over at you.” I thought my friend was nuts. Then I became aware of it. I felt my skin-crawling.
I told my therapist this story, figuring he would tell me that it was all in my head. He surprised me.
He said “You picked up on the fact they were conning the audience. And it was written all over your face. That became a direct challenge to them and they were determined to control you by staring you down.”
The original post is right — it’s all about words and using them to achieve what they want.
WOW MATT,
How bone chilling that they spotted you and you spotted them under the circumstances of the production.
The INTUITION that they have (and we have too, but we tend to quash it I think) is amazing.
My P son kept on hounding my mom with letters and I know she didn’t anwer him for about a year except twice when she sent him $20 each time, now she is sending him money on a regular basis and plotting with him to keep me from being able to influence the parole board. He kept on pounding on her until he finally hooked her back in.
They know just the right words to push the right buttons, or the right looks etc. that must have been spooky for you.
BTW I think there is NO such thing as an EX convict. I think it is a myth. ONce a con, always a con.
Matt,
I second Oxy’s…”WOW”!!!
How frikkin creepy, but at the same time…sort of enlightening and liberating, huh?
Your eyes are wide open; no more rose-colored glasses for you. And your intuition is protectively sending you the necessary…”Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!” alerts.
The more we know about PDIs, the more we stay on yellow alert, the more capable we are at spotting these creatures. And then staying the hell away!
Totally wild how you immediately focused on their dead, soulless eyes. Probably the first and most important visual sign that this person is just frikkin wrong! Bent!
I also wanted to comment on Dr. Leedom’s post. Yeah, I agree PDIs use language for a manipulative, selfish purpose. I’ve seen it in action, directed towards me many times.
When I was involved with an N in the summer of 2007, I would share my spiritual and intellectual thoughts/ideas with him, while he just listened. Later I would hear him talking to others and I kid you not….the dude was quoting me verbatim as if my original thoughts and ideas were his! He never once said…”at least, that’s what Jane says”….
Nope. He stold my ideas with a childish eagerness and smugly spoke them without giving credit where credit is due. Might seem petty to be concerned with something like this, but it was one of many glaring character/personality flaws that repulsed me.
I never loved the dude, didn’t even like him so ditching him was a trivial matter for me.
The S I fell in love with in winter/spring of 2008, did the exact same thing as the N: Stealing my thougths and ideas, giving me no credit whatsoever. The first time he did this, I called him out immediately, saying…”I said that! Why are you using my words as your own?!” The S became instantly defensive and said…”I have my own ideas! I’m smart! You’re not the smartest person in the world, you know?”…..Blew me away.
Whatever. At best they are polished mimics, intently remembering profound, deep thoughts then, like the thieves they are, absconding something they haven’t the capacity to formulate in their emotionally, logically bankrupt minds. And then having the audacity to claim them as their own.
How frikkin pathetic and arrogant.
Furthermore, imitation is NOT the highest form of flattery when being perpetrated by a Sociopath.
They are ruthless pirates, striving with all their power to absorb the goodness, the rightness in us and failing miserably.
They just don’t get it and they never will.
NO CONTACT!!
OxDrover:
There was a part of the production that also staggered me. One of the ex-cons told how, WHILE IN PRISON, he discovered he had an “apptitude” for working with computers and now works with computers on the outside. So much for the theory that they don’t have access to computers in prison.
Also, the whole point of this production was to raise money for the 1/2 way house. I would love to know how much they take those suckers in the audience for each performance.
Matt: Brilliant review of the play, the “players” and the “played”! From the brainwave research I’ve done, and my experience with the S/P, I very much believe that they can “read” the vibes off people. I wonder if they learn to do that better than us because their emotions don’t ring true. I do think your therapist was right on that one — trying to “vibe” you back into line.