This week “Sarah” commenting on Lovefraud wrote:
What is the biggest difference between Narcissists/Psychopaths/Sociopaths and us? The ability to love!
What is one of the over-riding characteristics of the N/P/S? They are they are extremely jealous & envious and must WIN! We have something they will never have . . i.e., the ability to love.
In the Mask of Sanity, the first book to describe psychopathy, Hervey Cleckley wrote:
The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love”¦ In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.
In my opinion, perhaps the only flaw in our current measures of “psychopathy” is their failure to assess “ability to love.” Fortunately, that may soon change thanks to Donald Lynam, Ph.D. , Professor of Clinical Psychology at Perdue University. In his presentation, Interpersonal Antagonism as the Core Feature of Psychopathy Dr. Lynam presented evidence that inability to love is at the core of psychopathy.
I have long admired Dr. Lynam’s work, and his rather renegade status in the world of psychopathy research. During his presentation, I sat next to an accomplished psychopathy researcher, who has become a friend. After Dr. Lynam finished, I offered a public thanks to him for his presentation and brought up the issue that no one else is trying to measure and assess “ability to love” in psychopaths. The researcher sitting next to me said “You can have him as your Guru if you like, but there are problems with his work.” I did not ask my friend to elaborate because I already knew why he said that.
Dr. Lynam has challenged the status quo of psychopathy research because he says, “Factor analysis of the PCL-R (the most widely used rating scale) are unlikely to reveal the core personality components of psychopathy.” His making that statement at the SSSP meetings is kind of like a minister at a meeting of Southern Baptists saying that The Bible doesn’t necessarily have all the answers for modern humans.
Dr. Lynam says (and I very much agree) that if you analyze the PCL-R to understand “the psychopath” you run into circular arguments. How do we know this person is a psychopath? Because he/she has a high PCL-R score. How do we know the PCL-R symptoms reflect the psychopathy personality type? Because they belong to “psychopaths” as identified by the PCL-R. The way to get around these circular arguments is to separate diagnostic measures from personality measures. This is what Dr. Lynam has done.
The most accepted model of general personality posits five basic traits called the Big Five (OCEAN: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism). Dr. Lynam has studied these traits in relation to psychopathy and he has found that “low agreeableness” explains a majority of individual differences in PCL-R scores. That means that the core of psychopathy is explained by low agreeableness.
What exactly is low agreeableness? Agreeableness has 6 parts to it: trust, straightforwardness, altruism, compliance, modesty and tender mindedness. The items on this list reflect a person’s tendency toward intimacy, needs balancing (ones own needs vs. other’s needs) and caretaking of others; core components of ability to love. Dr. Lynam also mentioned briefly that these are more than personality traits and instead seem to reflect “an ability.” I wrote about love as a developmentally acquired “ability” in Just Like His Father? nearly three years ago, and am glad to see this given more attention by scientists.
After I commented praising Dr. Lynam’s work, another researcher stood up and said, “There’s just something about this that bothers me”¦ my gut tells me it is off”¦ If psychopaths lack agreeableness, why do other people find them attractive?”
I talked with that researcher in private afterwards. Consider Dr. Cleckley’s statement about love and psychopathy. Since psychopaths appear to have fondness and affection, their inability to love is often hidden behind their “Mask of Sanity.” It is only when you really get to know them and you put yourself in a position of depending on them that you discover the importance of their inability to love. This is where victims have wisdom and understanding that many psychopathy researchers will never attain.
For more on Dr. Lynam’s work see: Are they just evil people?
Dear Kindheart,
I am with Erin on this one too, sweetie, you need to BE BY YOURSELF, other people’s problems DISTRACT you from what is going on with YOU.
Getting to KNOW OURSELVES without anyone else around is a big BIG BIG!!!! step. It may seem really strange at first to just be BY YOURSELF. NO TV, “no phone, no pool, no pets”…just YOU….and LISTEN to what goes on inside your head. What are the “voices” in there telling you?
Get comfortable with KH before you start interacting with others and “keeping busy”—Keeping busy distracts you from the THINKING you need to do about yourself. Peace and happiness is INTERNAL, no one else can give it to you, you must find it in the QUIET meditation of your own soul!
((((hugs))))) Oxy
Kindheart,
HUGS. It’s so painful healing from this. Let it out. You have so much support here. There’s a point after going back and forth where you just get to rock bottom, when you realize there is no hope whatsoever. It’s a very painful realization. The pain is overwhelming and nothing can stop it. That’s a turning point in your healing.
And when you have a minute, go back and read my UPDATE on the “Recovering from a Sociopath” thread. I hope it will give you the slightest hope that justice can be served with these bastards.
Kindheart48:
It sounds like your pain is still really new and that is the toughest place to be. Just know that time heals all wounds.
I don’t know your religious background, but whoever your GOD is, START PRAYING. THERE IS COMFORT IN PRAYER.
A strong relationship with God will pull you through anything. God has a plan for all of us. And he will bring the right man into your life when the time is right.
When I was really young, someone told me, “Rejection is God’s protection.” That really stuck with me. When a relationship (or anything) does not work out, just know that is not what God has planned for you. There is something better waiting just around the corner, probably when you least expect it!!
But you have to be open to it.
Your best days are ahead of you, not behind you!!!
Oxy, did you see my update?
Im defintiely feeling KH right now…..no contact…but the feelings are overwhelming..started having anxiety again today…I go from hating to missing..I have spent alot of time in the last few days remembering all that was there and it was all pretty bad…I dont miss the feelings..I miss the illusion…I know now it was never real..but boy the pain and the aftermath sure is….not sure about medication as I have said before….just trying to deal with all of this and Im sooooooooo tired and mentally drained
Sorry to read that KH is still reeling, but it does take time and it is important to give this to ourselves.
When I got away from my S, I got close again to another old drama queen friend, probably another S who I’d stayed away from for a few years. Then a man pursued me relentlessly, I told him I was not ready but he pushed his way into my life. Looking back I realize it was the S traits that attracted me and like with any S, the first 3 or 4 months were terrific.
Then he managed to move in here without any real discussion, when I tried he said “you’re hurting my feelings.” And he proceeded to take over my home and my life. But he never really had my heart, the whole time I was burning in anger but had never forgotten the other S. Then his lies, temper tantrums, unscrupulous deals (even ripped friends of mine), turned me cold. One day I said to myself “I wish this were his house so I could just leave” — that’s how I knew how I felt.
It was only about 3 weeks after that, but did not know how to do it without risk of violence, injury, the old S shows back up. Left the one he left me for. By then, the sight of the man I was living with made me sick, we were hardly speaking to each other. There was no emotional sadness when I finally got him out, if I was an acrobat I would have turned cartwheels.
I was so desperate to get out of that situation that I completely forgot the pain my S had put me through less than a year before. Ran back to him (now in another city) as soon as I could arrange it and while we agreed to “take it slow” he swindled me out of about thousands before I learned the truth. He had called me because he was in a money jam.
What I learned here was that he was not only not in love, but not even attracted to me. He was ruthlessly saying whatever he needed to to get me to pay his bills. That’s all it ever was. I cannot describe how that hurts. And he wanted me to be OK with it, made jokes about it no matter how many times I told him not to. That if the situation made me the breadwinner so be it but don’t make jokes about it. Kept it up. I left a few times because of these jokes.
But my point is that I knew that about a year before I took him back. If I had taken the time to really get over him, to understand what had happened, learned to see him for the S that he is, “round two” would never have happened. The way it went down, he was around and I had no chance to grieve until I moved, then the other marched in and took over.
So when he called, my heart leaped out in joy. I was still in love with him. Nothing had changed.
With S # 2, he’s tried to see me, emailed. The thought makes me ill. I just wish I felt the same about the other.
This time I’m taking the time. This site is so comforting. Today, I was missing him so bad I was starting to tell myself maybe I was wrong about him. By the time I broke it off, they really had broken up and he was ready to make an honest try with me, but I had already visited this site and knew he could never change.
Feeling better now, thanks, everyone, maybe I can now get some work done.
thanks guys for all the support and i am sitting here and i go back to when i first met the s and how hurt i was that my husband and i had separated. He was so responsible and took care of me and i was so lost , hurt, relapsed in sobriety , as one male friend said i was literally traumatized already when the s came up my driveway and yes i see how i was targeted. Six years is a long time to live in Oz and not reality , no wonder we are so wounded. I was out cleaning my windows today and the s. best buddies went by and waved and you know i’m learning alot about men in general. got down off the ladder and started to was h my car windows and sure enough he came driving by again and pulled in driveway. This guy is on his third marriage and has tried to be supportive in telling me to stay away from the s but i see how he bats both sides. Didn’t want to admit it but they are cut from the same cloth. He sat in my driveway , paranoid i think that the s would driveby . Didn’t mention his name at all but is acting like he’s my friend. I m not so naive anymore and he should be paranoid, if his wife ever found out im sure she wouldn’t appreciate it. What a bunch i’ve met, lately a slew of married but not to each other men, i just can’t beleive it . I would have killed or castarated my husband if he carried on like these idiots. Do they think i can’t find a single man? (i can’t but that’s beside the point hahah). It would look good on the s if he saw him at my house but it would stir up trouble and i’ve had enough to last me a long time. Im still hurt and would love to put him in his place but not worth it. His loss. Usedabused i feel what you are feeling , he could be very nice but in such small intervals, we have what they call “thank god for small graces” attitude and tha’ts not love. My husband loved me unconditionally, when i gained weight, and it was consistent. I know the difference but i invested so much in the s , everything is so onesided. Very hard lesson that i wouldn’t want anyone to go through. I’ve decided im going to try and just plain ignore him, doesn’t exist, no response. It goes against the grain but it’s the only payback that they get. I owe him NOTHING at all. NOTHING. iF HE were on the side of the road injured, (remember this is not my nature) i would hope that i would drive right on by as i said earlier, i owe him NOTHING. I at times wonder if it was me too USED but i know it wasn’t . My expectations of him were so low and he couldn’t even meet them . They would rather start with someone new than work on anything, path of least resistance, they have no fortitude or determination. Without a doubt he has been the biggest mistake of my life but i can’t change it and have it not be a mistake but i can work on not letting it ruin anymore of my life. love to you all. kindheart
KindHeart, UsedAbused, EndthePain:
Darlings, all I can tell you is that in today’s society, you have to kiss a HELL of a lot of FROGS before you get your prince.
But the Prince will come.
Just Believe!!
KH –
I’m consoling myself that not hearing from me, not getting the “I’m so sorry can we talk” messages he got from the other when we were together is the only thing that hurts him even a little. Not an ouch hurt like we feel, just the loss of power.
If I were to call or email, it would just give him another chance to hurt me. Hang up. Tell him I had abused his trust. Start punishing me. Not giving him the chance is best. Thanks for understanding.
Hello Everyone Here,
I have not posted much because, get this, I don’t feel ‘helpful’. Instead I feel like I need from others, and this makes me so uncomfortable I can hardly work up the nerve to write anything here. Well, forget that…here goes.
And the other truth is I relate to SO much of what I read here, I can hardly gather my responses into a cohesive sentence or idea. This place is a hotbed of kindness, intelligence, and wisdom.
I have only (in the last two years) just discovered that I have been in friendships and relationships (in the last 35 years) with about 8-10 of these creatures. Interesting though it wasn’t till this last one that I really hit the bottom. The last few left me reeling, but it wasn’t until I found out WHAT they were that my heart completely felt shattered. And that I became afraid.
Plus this last time around I forfeited much more of my security, heart, and resources.
It has been 20 months since the last. It was a ‘love’ relationship. 10 months. A ‘speedball’ of a relationship. I lost some money, a car, my innocence, and my belief in the power of ‘you name it’.
I have had zero contact.
I saw him for the first time in 20 months and I had a physical reaction that ruined my day. I would have thought after all this time, all my knowledge, my commitment to being out of any other relationship, my sleeping/eating/yoga, hanging only with good and true folks, that I would have been spared the PTSD response.
But I wasn’t. I shrank, my head throbbed, my heart beat like a racehorse’, my thoughts became fragmented and disordered, and I felt SO sad. So out of my life. And it has persisted now since Saturday. I feel a ‘renewed’ sense of loss and failure and anger and hopelessness. This morning, as I drove to see my first patient, I thought ‘why is he still alive?……How can it be that he GETS TO BE ALIVE?’
I felt just like the smallest and most unwanted speck. I cannot seem to be able to find, and hold onto, my SELF.
Is this OK? Am I still healing or am I stuck? I cannot tell. I know none of you can actually answer this question. However, I cannot help but ask it.
I barely saw the man out of my peripheral vision and my whole body went berserk! I feel betrayed by my own body. I tried so hard to stay with my understanding, connected to my friends I was with, to focus on the art and conversation. Instead, I felt like puking and crying.
Have others of you felt this? Should there ever be a time when he wouldn’t have this effect on me? Just seeing him left me drained, small, and lonely.
It’s good to know what I know. But I gotta be honest and say it hasn’t, as yet, made me FEEL all that great knowing it.
I want a partner. I want my power back, for good. I want to enjoy what is in front of me, those I love, myself.
Thanks for listening. Slim