This week “Sarah” commenting on Lovefraud wrote:
What is the biggest difference between Narcissists/Psychopaths/Sociopaths and us? The ability to love!
What is one of the over-riding characteristics of the N/P/S? They are they are extremely jealous & envious and must WIN! We have something they will never have . . i.e., the ability to love.
In the Mask of Sanity, the first book to describe psychopathy, Hervey Cleckley wrote:
The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love”¦ In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.
In my opinion, perhaps the only flaw in our current measures of “psychopathy” is their failure to assess “ability to love.” Fortunately, that may soon change thanks to Donald Lynam, Ph.D. , Professor of Clinical Psychology at Perdue University. In his presentation, Interpersonal Antagonism as the Core Feature of Psychopathy Dr. Lynam presented evidence that inability to love is at the core of psychopathy.
I have long admired Dr. Lynam’s work, and his rather renegade status in the world of psychopathy research. During his presentation, I sat next to an accomplished psychopathy researcher, who has become a friend. After Dr. Lynam finished, I offered a public thanks to him for his presentation and brought up the issue that no one else is trying to measure and assess “ability to love” in psychopaths. The researcher sitting next to me said “You can have him as your Guru if you like, but there are problems with his work.” I did not ask my friend to elaborate because I already knew why he said that.
Dr. Lynam has challenged the status quo of psychopathy research because he says, “Factor analysis of the PCL-R (the most widely used rating scale) are unlikely to reveal the core personality components of psychopathy.” His making that statement at the SSSP meetings is kind of like a minister at a meeting of Southern Baptists saying that The Bible doesn’t necessarily have all the answers for modern humans.
Dr. Lynam says (and I very much agree) that if you analyze the PCL-R to understand “the psychopath” you run into circular arguments. How do we know this person is a psychopath? Because he/she has a high PCL-R score. How do we know the PCL-R symptoms reflect the psychopathy personality type? Because they belong to “psychopaths” as identified by the PCL-R. The way to get around these circular arguments is to separate diagnostic measures from personality measures. This is what Dr. Lynam has done.
The most accepted model of general personality posits five basic traits called the Big Five (OCEAN: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism). Dr. Lynam has studied these traits in relation to psychopathy and he has found that “low agreeableness” explains a majority of individual differences in PCL-R scores. That means that the core of psychopathy is explained by low agreeableness.
What exactly is low agreeableness? Agreeableness has 6 parts to it: trust, straightforwardness, altruism, compliance, modesty and tender mindedness. The items on this list reflect a person’s tendency toward intimacy, needs balancing (ones own needs vs. other’s needs) and caretaking of others; core components of ability to love. Dr. Lynam also mentioned briefly that these are more than personality traits and instead seem to reflect “an ability.” I wrote about love as a developmentally acquired “ability” in Just Like His Father? nearly three years ago, and am glad to see this given more attention by scientists.
After I commented praising Dr. Lynam’s work, another researcher stood up and said, “There’s just something about this that bothers me”¦ my gut tells me it is off”¦ If psychopaths lack agreeableness, why do other people find them attractive?”
I talked with that researcher in private afterwards. Consider Dr. Cleckley’s statement about love and psychopathy. Since psychopaths appear to have fondness and affection, their inability to love is often hidden behind their “Mask of Sanity.” It is only when you really get to know them and you put yourself in a position of depending on them that you discover the importance of their inability to love. This is where victims have wisdom and understanding that many psychopathy researchers will never attain.
For more on Dr. Lynam’s work see: Are they just evil people?
Yes, I have. I’ve seen so much here tonight I can relate to.
There was a place I used to see my S during the “good days” the first few months, even year of our attachment.
A few weeks ago, I rode past the sign for the place! Just the sign on the highway. And my body was tingling like I was about to see him.
They programmed us. For you, seeing him brought back the ugliness. My signal was something I associated with good times.
And I did see him, for just a moment, through a door the night I broke it off by phone. I instinctively turned around towards my friend, I was so afraid he would derail what I was doing. That night I was broken up. It was sad, he was waiting by the door for me.
Slimone:
I dated a sociopathic bad boy in my 20’s, and I could not get him out of my system for the longest time. He was like a drug.
I have not seen this guy in 14 years.
His father passed away 6 weeks ago. When I saw his name listed as a “survivor” in the obituary, my stomach turned again.
Just at the sight of his name in the newspaper!
So, there you have it. I don’t know if the trauma ever goes away completely.
usedabused…as with most of these posts..I can relate to what you say….I know he doesnt hurt..but like you I know he expects..the Im sorry can we talk…messages..and they arent coming..at least not from me…I have taken away his power over (as far as he knows for now) I let him kow I wasnt going to be pit against the other woman while he aloows hetr to do HIS dirty work..I dont blame her..I pity her as he is in far deepr than I was and she is losing everyhting because of him and still back with him..she is still in misery..not me..however I will not allow their dysfunctionbal relationship to be played anywhere near my son…so I have chanhed my number he has no way to call me and he can deal with the courts regarding anmything pertaining to our son..the trauma of all of this has been so gut wrencing…as we all have said..and how I was feeling today..somedays I am strong as hell and other days so tired and emotionally drained!
You are doing right, I feel sorry for her too. Jane and I were talking very regularly, but not this weekend. Sometimes I wonder if they got back together and he was relaying messages to me through her. I’ll just give her a call tomorrow and see how she’s doing, sounded like an incredible woman who I would like to know, and we were like sisters there for awhile. I’ll always be grateful to her for calling me, even if it was just to get even with him and screw this up for him. It saved my life.
There were things I said in the last weeks that I wondered if he knew it was over. Exactly what you just said, “he’d lost his power over me, get over it” and “if I knew I was with someone who was after me for money I’d extricate myself.”
Then acted like all was well.
reading all the posts and i can’t help but feel pissed at how this effects us and how it (the ptsd) is always waiting in the wings. I know from talking to prior victims of the s. it does get better but it is the most awful feeling. When i read these posts i wish i could take away everyones pain and put it back on the person it belongs to the sociopaths but they never own anything. Pitiful creatures , empty, hollow nothing , can’t even call them beings. Boy i’m on a mad roll tonight. It’s so unfair that we have to bear the pain long after they are gone. Such toxic creatures to wreck such havoc on everyone they go near. I wish that i could forget the s for the rest of my life and not give him a shred of headspace but it is going to take some time to change the patterns of thinking but i know it can be done. He’s so not worth the energy. He’s one big Joke that doesn’t get it . love kindheart
This site has been amazing tonight, it’s like everyone is on at once, almost like we could all be in the same room.
KH, will we ever forget? I asked a friend that a few minutes ago and she told me to come over, she’s worried about me. The headspace is not for him but for me, I need to understand and get past it. He is lost. A robot, a hologram of a human.
I think Donna should get a Nobel Prize for this.
The feeling is like being raped though emotionally not physically. Robbed of the most precious gift we could ever give anyone, and not too many maybe 2 or 3, in our entire lives. And he stole those feelings. Gave us enough to think it was reciprocated for awhile and then exploited us.
Fraud on an emotional level is worse than business fraud. I told the S that and he kind of grumbled, like he knew.
Nobody will ever love him like I did, even his ex knew that, that she did not need him like I did.
And all he wanted was my money.
It’s sickening.
Thanks, KH. I need to check on Slimone, she’s not having a good night, and I’m getting out of the house for an hour.
Peace.
Sarah, they are not jealous of our ability to love..they see it as a weakness. They see us as vulnerable weak idiots, with no use except to provide them power, knowledge, sex, money or ego boosting and status.
Once they have taken all of that and devalued us to boost their status, we are thrown out and replaced. Period.
Thanks for your responses. I did some yoga, took a mg of Klonopin, and hit the sheets for a good night sleep. I think I am going to see a psychiatrist. I have been coping with this PTSD for 20+ years, and afer the s it has become, finally, maybe more than I can continue to bear. I would just like to see what a professional might have to say, in terms of medication. I have seen a therapist, a wonderful MSW, off and on for 18 years. But I think I might try a consultation with a psychiatrist. Just to see what they say.
I am just SO effing tired. Well this morning I am a bit groggy from the Klonopin, but at least I am not anxious. And maybe I can eat and add a few pounds on to this ‘slim one’.
I will check back later. I love this site!
Thanks again, Slim
As a GF and I describe our emotions…(we have walked the path of divorce together) It’s like a roller coaster of highs and lows….the key is to limit the highs and the lows and try to live on a more even keel.
I think we are so in need of the highs that we blow them higher, but as the old saying goes….what goes up must come down.
Try to keep it all in the midrange.
I have found this helpful.
ErinBrockovich and Oxdrover:
And to all users who expressed this or similar thoughts – I am looking back on my life (through a Gift received as a result of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment) and I now realize one truth: the only person I can change is myself. That includes my actions, reactions, perceptions and pre-conceptions. I have encountered several sociopaths (probably undiagnosed) in my life. The one who had the biggest influence was my ex-husband. I was a classic target; programmed from a very early age to avoid open conflict at all cost, to believe in the potential “good” inherent in all human beings, to suppress anger, to doubt my instincts, intuition and knowledge and defer to “authority”, and to “put on my happy face” and present my best image, even when I knew IN MY SOUL, it was innately wrong to do so. It has cost me dearly, and incalculably, in terms of my self-esteem, physical health, financial stability, and overall ability to function as a healthy individual. However, there is a happy and continuing fundamental lesson I have learned from my “epiphany”: I have a choice. I can choose to continue ancient, crusty, molding, and disabling patterns of behavior and their associated consequences, (including self-destructive coping mechanisms) and suffer through life; or I can choose to learn and embrace new, healthy alternatives and establish a “re-birth”, so to speak, of myself. I have decided upon the latter. This isn’t easy. It is tedious at times, and completely antithetic with what I have ingrained in my brain through years of repetition. It requires discipline, meditation, isolation (for a time) to reassess my former “support system”, and most difficult, it requires the courage to take a leap of faith when choosing to actually step out there and put to use what I have learned. In short: awareness, acceptance, and finally – action. Let me add, action based upon careful consideration of the matter to be addressed. There’s no other way for me – my entire life depends upon this process. But guess what? It WORKS! I can change but one person: me. Simply said, but not easily done. I simply refuse to be a victim anymore. I am saddened at times, and I stumble like a child, but I keep on keeping on. It gets easier everyday. It also becomes more efficient and effective the more I try. Yes, I now firmly believe there is an active evil in this world, and not everybody is fundamentally good. It’s up to me (and my Protector) to make the discernment. It’s up to me to make the choice to change. And change, while painful in the process, has been a GOOD thing for me! This has been my first post, and I hope someone finds it useful. Itty-bitty steps, itty-bitty steps. Your blogs helped give me hope to just reach out and try – many thanks!