This week “Sarah” commenting on Lovefraud wrote:
What is the biggest difference between Narcissists/Psychopaths/Sociopaths and us? The ability to love!
What is one of the over-riding characteristics of the N/P/S? They are they are extremely jealous & envious and must WIN! We have something they will never have . . i.e., the ability to love.
In the Mask of Sanity, the first book to describe psychopathy, Hervey Cleckley wrote:
The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love”¦ In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.
In my opinion, perhaps the only flaw in our current measures of “psychopathy” is their failure to assess “ability to love.” Fortunately, that may soon change thanks to Donald Lynam, Ph.D. , Professor of Clinical Psychology at Perdue University. In his presentation, Interpersonal Antagonism as the Core Feature of Psychopathy Dr. Lynam presented evidence that inability to love is at the core of psychopathy.
I have long admired Dr. Lynam’s work, and his rather renegade status in the world of psychopathy research. During his presentation, I sat next to an accomplished psychopathy researcher, who has become a friend. After Dr. Lynam finished, I offered a public thanks to him for his presentation and brought up the issue that no one else is trying to measure and assess “ability to love” in psychopaths. The researcher sitting next to me said “You can have him as your Guru if you like, but there are problems with his work.” I did not ask my friend to elaborate because I already knew why he said that.
Dr. Lynam has challenged the status quo of psychopathy research because he says, “Factor analysis of the PCL-R (the most widely used rating scale) are unlikely to reveal the core personality components of psychopathy.” His making that statement at the SSSP meetings is kind of like a minister at a meeting of Southern Baptists saying that The Bible doesn’t necessarily have all the answers for modern humans.
Dr. Lynam says (and I very much agree) that if you analyze the PCL-R to understand “the psychopath” you run into circular arguments. How do we know this person is a psychopath? Because he/she has a high PCL-R score. How do we know the PCL-R symptoms reflect the psychopathy personality type? Because they belong to “psychopaths” as identified by the PCL-R. The way to get around these circular arguments is to separate diagnostic measures from personality measures. This is what Dr. Lynam has done.
The most accepted model of general personality posits five basic traits called the Big Five (OCEAN: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism). Dr. Lynam has studied these traits in relation to psychopathy and he has found that “low agreeableness” explains a majority of individual differences in PCL-R scores. That means that the core of psychopathy is explained by low agreeableness.
What exactly is low agreeableness? Agreeableness has 6 parts to it: trust, straightforwardness, altruism, compliance, modesty and tender mindedness. The items on this list reflect a person’s tendency toward intimacy, needs balancing (ones own needs vs. other’s needs) and caretaking of others; core components of ability to love. Dr. Lynam also mentioned briefly that these are more than personality traits and instead seem to reflect “an ability.” I wrote about love as a developmentally acquired “ability” in Just Like His Father? nearly three years ago, and am glad to see this given more attention by scientists.
After I commented praising Dr. Lynam’s work, another researcher stood up and said, “There’s just something about this that bothers me”¦ my gut tells me it is off”¦ If psychopaths lack agreeableness, why do other people find them attractive?”
I talked with that researcher in private afterwards. Consider Dr. Cleckley’s statement about love and psychopathy. Since psychopaths appear to have fondness and affection, their inability to love is often hidden behind their “Mask of Sanity.” It is only when you really get to know them and you put yourself in a position of depending on them that you discover the importance of their inability to love. This is where victims have wisdom and understanding that many psychopathy researchers will never attain.
For more on Dr. Lynam’s work see: Are they just evil people?
The Truth is we don’t need someone to make us compleet! We don’t need another person to be Happy! We don”t need someone else to be loved!
Our God! Our Higher Power is more than enough! It has been there all through each and every trial and is still there!
My God doesn’t force me to see the error of my choices , when I have acted or reacted because of my emotions and feelings. God lets me learn from my mistakes!
I make ALOT!
But God still walks with me and talks with me and slowly and painfully I am learning God is all I really Need! Everything else is secondary. When I Trust God First! everything flows the way it is supose to! When I think I know better , It’s like swimming upstream! Peace
Dear IT,
Awesome, inspiring post…and I agree with much of what you said…except how does God let you learn from your mistakes if not allowing you to see the error of your choices? I feel maybe there are no such things as mistakes, but rather they are lessons to be learned..but in order to do that I have to choose to see the error of my ways/choices at times. I only mention this because I feel its important to be able to balance the awareness that there is nothing forced or guiltridden about seeing the error of my choices when I have not reacted to the best of my self-respect, self-trust and self-worth…. I hope this makes sense and adds to the beauty and wisdom of your words…as we all swim upstream together! God Bless You
I am finally getting it that I don’t need someone else to make me complete… but I am very lonely, what do I do with that? I almost can’t bear it, which is probably why I’ve been attracted to ANYONE who seemed to want to be with me.
Housie, and the rest of you wonderful, inspiring people! You are all so right on! Sometimes we must be FLAT OF OUR BACKS to LOOK UP! I know that in my case for sure.
There are some situations that we cannot handle ourselves, and if we don’t depend on our faith, we can’t even survive.
The spiritual aspect of healing I think is one of the most important aspects that we can recognize. Whatever your faith is, I think we have to have a faith in something bigger and outside of ourselves in order to cope with the traumas too big to comprehend. Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s search for meaning” which he wrote after he spent years in a Nazi prison camp was an eye opener for me. His search for meaning from the trauma he suffered and the total loss of everything he held dear, and yet, finding meaning in that trauma through his faith inspired me as nothing else ever has. I suggest that anyone who has suffered losses read this book. (((hugs))) and prayers for you all.
Shabbychic,
Isnt it empowering to finally get that!
Something I wanted to accomplish was really rid myself of that lonely feeling…so that when and if I meet someone I can really know its out of true mutual companionship and shared interests…not complete lonliness or desperation or need to fill a void… so what I did was….
get to know myself, spend time with myself, literally what do you want to do today…and DO IT…
I joined meetup.com for my favorite hobby… they have everything and anything you can think of that interests you…again I went with zero expecation to meet someone but to totally get caught up in the hobby and what I enjoy and what makes me feel good and feel productive. And I caution doing such with strangers from this group – i was social and friendly but never entertained any offers.. just not a smart idea.
I volunteer at school…(for me I have to be there anyway, but there are volunteer positions everywhere) it does so much for your inner spirit and can meet some really good decent souls depending where you go. The Ronald McDonald House for children always needs volunteers…as do so many other organizations and charities…it seems like ehh, maybe/maybe not…but once you are in the throws of it you dont have time to be lonely!
I visit LF…friends…get in car and go for ride or I like to go to thrift shops/antiques stores/yard sales….
The gym, parks, etc.
I think what I did was really worked hard at being ok with being with just myself. Before I would never go to the river and sit on a blanket with a book and chill out BY MYSELF…dont know why…just wasnt comfortable with it…but for now..I really enjoy the company of myself…i think it was really important for me to take this step in my journey…
I get lonely still at times, but much much less…and I have gone out on a few dinner dates, movie dates but with clarity and understanding I am interested in good friends and just getting to know myself for the first time in my life. This helps me to know what I want and helped to end that “attraction to anyone” void I was trying to fill…
I have overcome the loneliness years ago and the neediness and I prayed for God to send me “my true heart partner for life in Your Will God and Your time, not mine” after the devastation of the solicitor. Then the “dentist psychopath exb ” turned up!
A new wave of revenge has returned. Why cant we get them back or get out personnal belongings and dog back…I seem to have forgotten, I hate the way this feeling of revenge consumes me.!It makes all the work I’ve done for years just seem like nothing. I’m slidin down the black hole again.
(((Tilly)))))
Sweetie, the feelings of anger and revenge are “normal” feelings and part of teh grief process, they will come and go, and go and come, so don’t let it spook you.
What I did that helped me some, was I would PRAY ALOUD for these people. Now, Tilly, I did NOT MEAN A WORD OF TEH PRAYER, and I know God knew I didn’t mean it, but I did it anyway…and you know what, after a while, I actually started to mean it! It actually helped me to forgive them….now forgiveness means to get the bitterness toward them out of my heart, it does not mean that what they did was ok, or that I would ever trust them or want a relationship with them, just that I worked the bittereness otu of my own heart! For MY benefit, not theirs,
The Bible, I think, gives us some good psychological advice, like “forgive those that do you wront”—not for their sake, but for OURS, ditto “pray for those that abuse you”—it helps US.
Bittereness after a while eats at you like a cancer iniside, so it is GOOD to oget this out of our hearts. Like all “bad things” it will seep back in, but we can drive it out permanently over time. then we can live in peace “that passeth understanding” when we don’t harbor hate and bitterenss. So, don’t let it spook you when it comes, just work it out and it will go away for a while, and if it comes again, :”rinse and repeat” and eventually it will go away and not come back.
You are a stronger woman than you may realize my dear! I admire your spunk! (((hugs))))
OxDrover,
Great advice regarding praying for our enemies. In the Big Book of AA which we use for OA, there is a page suggesting we pray for the person we resent even if we don’t mean it. It suggests we do this for two weeks as a guideline, but that if we will pray for that person for their health, happiness and prosperity that in time we will come to mean it. We do this not for them, but for us. It has worked for me. It kind of reminds me of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) – changing the way we think to change the outcome. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to exist without the ability to love. As the anger diminishes, I find myself spending more days in acceptance forging a trail to the Promised Land flowing with milk and honey – I just need to practice, practice, and more practice. Today I went to my Mom’s to help her put up her summer Gazebo, and came home and watched a movie. I watched Benjamin Button with my son last night, and journaled and spent some time with that Lover of My Soul. I was not lonely. Also, yesterday I received a letter from husband #2 (not a P, but a recovering alcoholic of 18 years with some definite issues). He is working with a new sponsor (his old one died) – now maybe he can get well – anyway, he is working hard on his own issues, and it felt really good to say to myself, “Self, I don’t feel ready to answer this letter right now. I will shelf it while I work on my own recovery, and I will know when and if I want to respond sometime in the future.” I was married twice, and both times I picked toxic people because “I” was toxic. While I am happy for him that he is working on his own personal issues, I do not feel pressured to respond just yet if at all, but my first priority is self-care!! Wow!!! You ROCK girl!!! And this is a new part of me – not just something I am doing because I have been told it is right. You are all so precious to me as you teach me that you will love me until I can love myself, and even after!!
LTL: thanks for the advice, I do belong to some meetup groups but only the ones that are women only, we go to clubs, dinner, movies, Friday night at the horse races, free concerts, etc. I haven’t been doing too much lately because I am trying to conserve my savings account, I don’t have a job. I’ve gone to the mall and wandered around. I want to hike in the foothills here but I am worried about mountain lions! One thing I will not do by myself is go to dinner. I feel like a geek!!
I seem to be falling between moments of anger and sadness and depression. My crazy man got me to pay his way out here from texas, pay his hotel bill all the while swearing he had money coming in. Got him and i a place. God what a mistake. I never could understand what mad him fly into a rage and throw things, throw and break wine glasses. He always blamed me but i never yelled back or started these fights. He drank like a fish, smoked, disrpespected everyone. He needs to go back to france. I am going through a period to learn why i let someone this toxic in. The mood swings, the cold and then warm person, the lies, the hiding my things, all of it so draining. I am trying to be strong but i am filled with not knowing what to do with myself. I cleaned up and painted the walls, got rid of all the icky of him, i feel bad for dumping him on someone else but i thank god he is gone. He made me feel out of control. I am out alot of money, he is off with someone else, and this woman he has convinced that it was me. I feel sorry for her. Do i warn her?? He cannot come back thank god and i dont want to see him ever again. He was a pig. At times he was the most charming man i ever met, so smart, has a phd and was making 168 thousand a year in hong kong, but never is working for long. He promised me so much, going back to france, etc. I dont want to go anywhere with him. I was so anxious to get him out that i lied about my daughter moving in. I started playing him, telling him i hate putting poisen in food but was he hungry?? i started making him be scared of me and im a very peaceful loving person. But i just started doing mind games with him. I took things from him and hid them like he did to me then would act like nothing happened. He started to doubt himself. This is not like me at all but i did get a tickle with messing with him. I just thank god every day i dont have to wake up to that smelly french idiot. I am alone and trying to recover. But i feel so empty inside and depressed. I think about this woman now that is supporting him and wonder if he has changed or ever will?? if not how could she not see that he drinks mornings, smokes like a chimney, has tantrums, throws up alot, etc. Why should i ever care, but i just thank god he is gone. do they ever change?? Will she wake up? She thinks he is the one, god i feel sorry for her