This week “Sarah” commenting on Lovefraud wrote:
What is the biggest difference between Narcissists/Psychopaths/Sociopaths and us? The ability to love!
What is one of the over-riding characteristics of the N/P/S? They are they are extremely jealous & envious and must WIN! We have something they will never have . . i.e., the ability to love.
In the Mask of Sanity, the first book to describe psychopathy, Hervey Cleckley wrote:
The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love”¦ In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.
In my opinion, perhaps the only flaw in our current measures of “psychopathy” is their failure to assess “ability to love.” Fortunately, that may soon change thanks to Donald Lynam, Ph.D. , Professor of Clinical Psychology at Perdue University. In his presentation, Interpersonal Antagonism as the Core Feature of Psychopathy Dr. Lynam presented evidence that inability to love is at the core of psychopathy.
I have long admired Dr. Lynam’s work, and his rather renegade status in the world of psychopathy research. During his presentation, I sat next to an accomplished psychopathy researcher, who has become a friend. After Dr. Lynam finished, I offered a public thanks to him for his presentation and brought up the issue that no one else is trying to measure and assess “ability to love” in psychopaths. The researcher sitting next to me said “You can have him as your Guru if you like, but there are problems with his work.” I did not ask my friend to elaborate because I already knew why he said that.
Dr. Lynam has challenged the status quo of psychopathy research because he says, “Factor analysis of the PCL-R (the most widely used rating scale) are unlikely to reveal the core personality components of psychopathy.” His making that statement at the SSSP meetings is kind of like a minister at a meeting of Southern Baptists saying that The Bible doesn’t necessarily have all the answers for modern humans.
Dr. Lynam says (and I very much agree) that if you analyze the PCL-R to understand “the psychopath” you run into circular arguments. How do we know this person is a psychopath? Because he/she has a high PCL-R score. How do we know the PCL-R symptoms reflect the psychopathy personality type? Because they belong to “psychopaths” as identified by the PCL-R. The way to get around these circular arguments is to separate diagnostic measures from personality measures. This is what Dr. Lynam has done.
The most accepted model of general personality posits five basic traits called the Big Five (OCEAN: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism). Dr. Lynam has studied these traits in relation to psychopathy and he has found that “low agreeableness” explains a majority of individual differences in PCL-R scores. That means that the core of psychopathy is explained by low agreeableness.
What exactly is low agreeableness? Agreeableness has 6 parts to it: trust, straightforwardness, altruism, compliance, modesty and tender mindedness. The items on this list reflect a person’s tendency toward intimacy, needs balancing (ones own needs vs. other’s needs) and caretaking of others; core components of ability to love. Dr. Lynam also mentioned briefly that these are more than personality traits and instead seem to reflect “an ability.” I wrote about love as a developmentally acquired “ability” in Just Like His Father? nearly three years ago, and am glad to see this given more attention by scientists.
After I commented praising Dr. Lynam’s work, another researcher stood up and said, “There’s just something about this that bothers me”¦ my gut tells me it is off”¦ If psychopaths lack agreeableness, why do other people find them attractive?”
I talked with that researcher in private afterwards. Consider Dr. Cleckley’s statement about love and psychopathy. Since psychopaths appear to have fondness and affection, their inability to love is often hidden behind their “Mask of Sanity.” It is only when you really get to know them and you put yourself in a position of depending on them that you discover the importance of their inability to love. This is where victims have wisdom and understanding that many psychopathy researchers will never attain.
For more on Dr. Lynam’s work see: Are they just evil people?
kitty kitty – I am so glad i am rid of the X creep also. And I went through all the depression and second guessing and went through emotions I was not prepared for. I really thot just geting his using ass out of my house would end the whole awful ordeal, so why did I plumet into despair when he did leave? I think it is because I almost let someone destroy me and I could see the physical and emotional damage he caused. And I looked around and i was in a nest of user’s, and breaking my neck to keep them all happy. My spirit was dying, and I was never in such a state of The Twilight Zone. So this has been a life lesson for me, it was me that laid down and let them wipe their feet on me – I can not live like that and respect myself
me to henry. In fact i have now set boundaries with my family. I have a very controlling sister that puts me down every chance and a brother that says i am like a jerry springer show. I am a productive, good person, been working for 7 years with a great company. I have been treated like crap all my life by them too. Now i am taking a stand. I will not take abuse from anyone anymore ever. They cannot hate me more than they already do. I also will never let a man take money from me or use me. I will not let someone ruin my day or mood from now on. I am learning and its hard. I put up with so much from people so that they would like me and love me. And i got nothing but disrespect. I am done with that. If anyone including my family is toxic, then i will avoid them at all costs. My spirit too almost died. I feel like a shell of who i once was. But i am learning about me. I spend alot of time alone and uncomfortable with that, but i have peace of mind, something this sick man could not give me. I was always on edge with him and he was so demanding of me and my time. Such a jerk. I almost got evicted from his outbursts and rages. never again.
kitty – I am at 14 months no contact – I have recovered from most of the trauma and found myself again. I post here and there to relate and offer comfort. Dont beat yourself up too bad, most of my life has been one mistake after another and i am sure there will be more to come. But I did learn from this as horrible at it was/is – you will be ok – I still have my big kind heart and I wont let anyone take that away or abuse it..let’s just be happy for a change – I am trying and you are to – dont be bitter…..dont give them that.
Lady bug killer. I know this may sound strange but something dawned on me tonight. He always told me ladybugs and moths were his good luck charms and he wanted this job in england so bad, so one day he picked up a ladybug from the porch and put it in an upside down baby food jar. Now i told him it will die, he said but its good luck. It died. This sticks in my mind. Knowing that the bug would die he did it for his own satisfaction, for his own pleasure, his own gain. It was exactly what he did with me. I know this sounds silly but i relate it to the cold person inside he was. Killing that lady bug for good luck. It was always about him, his needs, his search for work, his sadness, his doom. I keep remembering that look on his face when he caught it and jarred it. It bothered me. Of course it died. This made me realize so much, and i know it sound trivial but as long as his needs were met, he could move on, even at the risk of everything. Just had to share this. I am of course no ladybug but in the end, he would have killed me emotionally and mentally. I think he felt empowered being mean to my dog and that in itself is sick. When i would tell him to put my dog down he would tell me im crazy, the dog loved him. He was so twisted.
Kittycat:
Mine was extremely abusive to my dog too. Then he wouldn’t return my dog to me when he threw me out/or I left (still not sure which it was, I can’t seem to remember all the events right now), anyway then he gave my dog to his daughter (who assaulted me). and then he made up lies and got a restraining order on me so I can’t go near any of his family to get my dog or my things. I fret for my dog who is due for vaccination and I am so angry and hurt.
OxDrover,
I know what you are saying is the truth. And I have tried to pray for him but it doesn’t work for me. It just makes me madder. And it also makes me mad at myself for lying. So then i have prayed for the willingness to pray for him. But that didn’t work either. At best I can pray that he reaches some kind of rock bottom as soon as possible. Not just so that other people are spared the abuse but also that he might miraculously have to feel something…anything.
Oxy, I feel like I have made progress then BANG!! when these waves of anger come I often feel like I am going to burst, and it scares me. I feel like I might just go and kill him. I hate that I have to “rinse and repeat” all my life. I am afraid that a wave of revenge will hit me and i will lose control. I get SOOOO angry at him! Last night I dreamt I had a fist fight with his ex wife who is a huge enabler of his. She uses him for money and he uses her to pit people against each other. The nightmare seemed like it went for the whole night. I woke up angry that him and his ex were in my darn dream/head!! How dare they. Its been no contact for nearly six months! What if I lose the plot and go over there and kill him one day! Then my boy will be totally on his own and my whole life will have been a waste.
Dear Dear Tilly,
The “waves” of rage coming and going is NORMAL in a situation like this, but if you work at it, and stay STAY on the road to healing, it will slow down, decrease in intensity and eventually reach “acceptance” It won’t last for the entirety of your life.
My late husband, a great guy, was ripped off in 1976 by some professional con artists who swindled him out of a multimillion dollar business, wrecked it and tied it up in court for years. He never ever got over the anger of these people destroying his business and bankrupting it. But he did not want to get over it, he nursed that anger. fortunately, he did get up and get on with his life, but I icould never get him to see that he even SHOULD let go of the anger and rage. He loved that rage! LOL But I do think his life would have been much better if he had let go of it. He lost almost 7 years to that rage in and out of court and even when he eventually got the “company” (an empty shell by then) back, he had spent so much money and time and effort on “justice” that he could have had another company up and running and instead he was still broke!
I understand how much you feel lthe anger and the rage! I understand how you want to kill him. I actually plotted revenge on one of my Ps, but even though I icame up with what I thought was a “fool proof way” to get him, I REALLY don’t want to be a murderer, even if I “got away with it” I would know, God would know, and in the end, I would have to go turn myself in to the cops….Letting go of that anger, even when you don’t want to, is I understand DIFFICULT, and the way I did it was to FORCE myself to do what was RIGHT in my eyes, which was to pray for them, even though I did NOT mean a single word of it, and Iknow God knew I didn’t….but eventually it helped get the bitterness out of my heart, and that was the thing that helped me to find peace.
Bitterness is not something that makes US feel better, it is like a cancer, I think, and eats at us. It is a normal stage in healing and grief, but not a “pretty” or nice one, even for us. I do understand your rage and even your fear that you will go hurt him. It is ALL SO UNFAIR and you did NOT deserve to be treated that way, none of us did. nI suggest you get Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s search for meaning” and read it. It is a wonderful book that helped me to SEE that there IS meaning in the things we have endured and that “tribulation worketh patience” and that there are some lessons in all of this that if we will accept them, will in the end, make us better, stronger and kinder people. ((((hugs))))) and my prayers for you accepting your anger.
Tilly- Is there a way that you could have a pastor or someone else go get your dog and things as your representative since you cant?
If I have the story right- your x S says you can get your belongings- via emails, etc. This may have already been discussed, in that case overlook this comment. I had a PFA on my x N/P but wanted his things out of my house. I signed a legal paper saying his representative- someone we both agreed was allowed to do the pick up.
TIlly- I can relate to what you are feeling. You have had a horrific experience in the hands of this mad man.
I also wanted my x n/p to die or I wanted to hurt him (im 9 mos n/c) Sometimes I still fight that “wave of anger” as you described. I have post- it notes as we speak in my kitchen, my bathroom, and in my calendar with scriptures/affirmations to live by. One that makes me take pause when I read it, and sometimes bow my head in shame is- Those that claim to walk in the Light, and Hates his brother are still in the Darkness.
Another, from Proverbs 24- If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Rejoice not when yr enemy falls, lest God turn wrath toward you.
One more and I will shut up- lol- Sow circumstances as seed- God gave Job twice as much when he Prayed for enemies. Not one person stood with Paul , In his imprisonment and beatings yet he described as “my light affliction”
(TIlly- Im not there yet either)
I am covering you in prayer for Gods protection over your heart and your thoughts . xoxo
Dear Oxdrover and Sabrina,
Thankyou so much for your prayers which mean a lot to me.
I read Victor Frankles book after the P solicitor and I shared it with the P dentist who memorised it and used it to rope me in. He has a photographic memory. So I am now very triggered by the book as we discussed it for months (when we first met). He would quote it ad nauseum. But of course I know what you are saying.
One of the reasons i am so mad is that i know that ANY CONTACT (even second hand) at this point in time will let him know he is winning. He will use it to stir the pot and involve the police or worse. That is why my mind keeps going back to killing him. ( I wouldn’t kill him today..but I could of yestetrday, today I am only capable of grievous bodily harm.. serious).
The only thing that stops me is giving myself up. I tell everyone I know, I don’t care what they think. So that if he is hurt everyone will know its me. I reckon if I were fair dinkum, I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone because I would want to get away with it. I don’t want to go to the nick for the P dentist!
The amount of healing to be able to express this homicidal rage is enormous. I am glad Donna deleted my offer to people to join me in getting rid of their P’s once and for all, because it could scare off someone who needs help. However, if it were not for you taking me seriously and giving me real advice and telling me you felt the same once (and got through it too), then I wouldn’t have any recovery at all. I would just be ashamed and homicidal at the same time. And my P mother gave me enough shame for a hundred lifetimes.
I want to thankyou from the bottom of my heart for your kind words on this one. There really is nowhere else to turn. And if I did assault him and go to prison it would be all over for me. What a waste.
I want to get strong like you two so I can help others get through it too. Nothing is harder than this. Not alcoholism or addiction or death. At least when someone dies you can get some form of closure and forgiveness. But the repeated ruin in the wake of the psychopath’s path is way beyond human capabilities. I used to be angry at God because I thought He was making me suffer to bring me closer to Him. I decided to rebel and i did, but deep down, I never stopped believing in God. I would tell god “I’m going to bash him up today God and I don’t care if I go to hell, it will be worth it, so goodbye”.
Then after the P solicitor I lost all faith. It took me five years to get it back and by the end of the P dentist it was all gone again. It was replaced by cynicism.
OxDrover, I liked that your husband wanted to stay angry. Maybe this time that is how I have to be. It rings a bell for me. At least I feel I have some dignity when I am angry!
And Sabrina, thankyou for admitting you get waves of anger still…I am not angry at the solicitor anymore, it is ten years later. But I have just transferred it all on to the P dentist.
While all the time I am refusing to deal with my P daughter ( in my emotions )as i am just not up to it. Still I have no contact with any of them, yet they might as well all be here for the amount of time they take up in my life.
Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. You are saving my life, the pair of you.! It is 7.00 am and because i have said how I feel I am in with a chance to have a fairly “balanced” day.
Luv Yus! xo