This past weekend, I learned some terribly difficult lessons. I learned first hand how dangerous a Psychopathic parent can be during a medical emergency. I also learned another reason that “co-parenting” with a psychopath is not possible (because they have no intention to co-parent and have a reckless disregard for the law and, in turn, will disrespect Custody Orders).
During my ex spath Luc’s second unsupervised visitation with my baby boy, the supervisor for the exchanges called me about ten minutes before we were supposed to pick up baby boy from the visit and said, “Don’t freak out, but I just received a call from the hospital telling me that Luc brought baby boy in after baby boy had a seizure.” Time seemed to stop as I sat there in complete shock.
The Beginning of Craziness:
I immediately stepped sped out of the parking lot where I had been waited and headed out on the 50 mile drive to rescue my son. As I sat in hellish traffic, I called the hospital attempting to get more information. As I spoke with the nurse, it became clear that before I was notified of the emergency Luc spent a significant amount of time spinning a web of lies with the hospital staff. When I told the staff that I wanted Luc escorted from the hospital well before my arrival, they refused stating that Luc had indicated that he was baby boy’s legal guardian. My concerns about the Luc’s history of domestic violence and child abuse were completely dismissed as the nurses stated, “he has told us all about YOUR situation and he has done all the right things by taking the child to the hospital.”
The lesson I learned from this situation about myself is that I need to somehow find it inside of me not to have a physical reaction when I witness the aftermath of Luc’s incredible story telling. I tell people everyday how important it is to remain calm and not show a psychopath your emotions and not to react to their insane behavior. Unfortunately, this weekend pushed my buttons like they have never been pushed before. The Mama Bear inside of me came out to protect my little baby bear cub. Insane acting Cappuccino Queen came out on the hospital and, sadly, I played right into his negative description of me.
How Luc put baby boy in danger:
Thankfully, by the grace of God, Luc was savvy enough to call 911 when he witnessed baby boy having a seizure; however, 911 was called an hour before I was ever notified that baby boy was having a medical crisis. Luc called 911, took the trip in the ambulance, arrived at the hospital, completed the medical examination questions and intake paperwork and never thought to mention my name to the medical personnel or the important fact that I am baby boy’s sole legal custodian. It was as if I had died and Luc was the sole surviving parent.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was told that baby boy was ready to be dismissed and the hospital staff was not interested in asking additional questions about baby boy’s true medical history. Baby boy was released from the hospital without a blood test and while he still had a fever. Luc completed paperwork stating that he was the legal guardian and that baby boy did not have health insurance (which is a lie because baby boy is on my health insurance). He also lied to the hospital staff about baby boy’s medical history and answered questions inaccurately (knowing that he didn’t know the answer).
Round Two – Post initial hospital visit
After being rushed through hospital discharge, I realized that something still appeared “off” with baby boy. He was still feverish and appeared to be struggling to walk. Though Luc didn’t notice this as odd behavior (or maybe didn’t really care), I noticed as I see baby boy on a daily basis and know what is normal for him. I was not satisfied with his treatment at the first hospital (as it was clear Luc had been running the show and lying to the staff), son I brought baby boy to a hospital closer to my house.
At first, I felt like maybe I was being a little paranoid but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had been missed. Low and behold, about 30 minutes after baby boy was admitted into the second hospital, his fever spiked and he proceeded to have two more seizures. The hospital near my home indicated that the first hospital had been negligent in their care of baby boy as they had not ordered additional testing to identify the true cause of the seizures.
Parental Alienation:
I have heard a lot about Parental Alienation through this Custody War and it seems as though at every turn my lawyers are warning me not to come across as negative toward Luc. I have always thought that Parental Alienation would be extremely hard to prove as it is a lot of hearsay. I have also known that as soon as baby boy can understand and communicate, Luc will begin his attempts to poison my son against me.
What happened this weekend, in my humble opinion, is a clear example of Parental Alienation. When baby boy had a medical emergency, Luc refused to acknowledge my existence and he denied baby boy access to the safety and security of his mother (and legal custodian). For the time period he was with Luc, he didn’t believe it was important tell medical professionals the truth about his status as a parent.
After two days of no word from Luc, the supervisor called him to ask him if he intended on taking his visit this week with baby boy. At this time she notified him that baby boy had had several follow on seizures. She also scolded Luc for his untimely reporting and told him that he violated the Custody Order by not providing accurate information to the hospital – particularly the fact that he did not have legal custody and is not legally allowed to make medical decisions for baby boy. Luc told her that he didn’t agree that he did anything wrong and that he did not believe he was responsible to give my information to the hospital in a medical crisis. Clearly Luc misunderstood the meaning of Legal Custody or maybe this is just yet another example of his reckless disregard for the law.
Lawyers Response:
After nearly 48 hours of no sleep and emotional turmoil over what was happening with my son, I took all the information I obtained (through hospital records) to my attorney’s. I was sure that they would agree with me that this was grounds to change the Custody Order. I believed it was clear that Luc put my son’s life in danger when he chose to deny that he wasn’t the legal custodian in order to protect his ego and or reputation at the hospital.
Unfortunately, I owe my attorney’s several thousand dollars. While I wrote up the Emergency Order and brought it to them to file, I was met with sneering faces and judgement that I did not expect. My attorney’s proceeded to accuse me of trying to block Luc from baby boy’s life and “nit pick” in order to find something wrong. After about five minutes in their office, I walked out in tears knowing that my relationship with that law firm had come to an end.
It was clear that even after the past year of learning WHAT Luc is, they still didn’t understand the true threat this man poses to my son. That was clear with the following statements:
1) Don’t you understand what positive things Luc can offer your son? He is great at manipulation!
2) Your son deserves the right to love his father.
3) Luc probably killed people, do you think he is going to care about following some small detail in this Custody Order? (Yes, I know…they actually said this after points one and two with a straight face. It was clear at this point I was being mocked)
4) Maybe you need to provide your insurance information to Luc and you two should go to family counseling. (I guess we will just hope that Luc decides not to carry a weapon that day and end my life as he promised)
Anyone who has followed my story knows how incredibly ridiculous these statements are.
Next Steps – What does this mean moving forward?
Seven months ago this week, I was awarded sole physical and legal custody of my son. When this occurred, I remember feeling a sense of relief knowing that at least I would be legally allowed to make important decisions about my son without the psychopath Luc trying to control us at every turn. It was my understanding that when a judge awards legal custody to one parent over the other, he/she does this for an important reason. In my case, the judge made it clear to Luc that he did not trust his judgement and that he was not the “mature parent”.
This weekend was one of the scariest weekends of my life and I learned a tough lesson – legal custody doesn’t mean much when the non-custodial parent refuses to acknowledge the law. When the judge specified that I had legal custody and that Luc was irresponsible and immature, Luc must have teleported out of the court room and disappeared for that part. He seemed to misunderstand what Legal Custody really meant.
Since the final Custody Order was submitted, I have weighed my options. I have to consider the following things moving forward:
1) As the only person financially responsible for baby boy, I cannot go into financial ruin in this custody war.
2) I have to protect my son at all cost.
3) Continuing to fight Luc, will also encourage him to fight back. More time in court means more contact with this blood sucking monster.
Unfortunately, It is likely that my son will have another medical emergency of this nature. In the event that this occurs, he deserves to have the comfort of his mother and the security of something as simple as HEALTH INSURANCE. While it is impossible to change Luc’s psychosis and tendency to disregard the law, I can push for consequences to this behavior and raise it to the attention of the court.
After taking several days to calm down, I realized that I need to think smart. No matter what I suggest, Luc will continue to disrespect the Court Order at the expense of my son. This week, however, I will be drafting an emergency plan which includes an emergency card for him to hand to the hospital upon his arrival. I will also draft a letter to his attorney reminding him that since I am the legal custodian, I am required to make medical decisions. After making rational suggestions and citing medical advise, I am flipping this script on him. Instead of making me look “nit picky” and “irrational”, I am going to look like the cooperative parent. When he does this again, I will return to court with the proper ammunition and nail his boots to the ground and hold his accountable.
In the sea of chaos this past weekend, I had to fight long and hard not to go down the rabbit hole of crazy. In the end, I realize that I need to stay one step ahead of Luc. He is dangerous, but predictable. While I have sole legal and physical custody, the Custody War is clearly not over. Despite my lawyer’s negative comments, I will NEVER stop fighting for my baby boy. Period.
CappuccinoQueen, I am horrified to read of your experiences!!!! Horrified, thoroughly. And, the very, very sad fact is that the law firm should be working for YOUR best interests, and they didn’t. Your baby’s life was in jeopardy, and the spath lied simply because he could.
Dammit, this makes me feel very angry. “Parental Alienation” is an unfortunate excuse in many, many cases like yours. Once again, the “system” is of the belief that children “need both parents,” and this simply is NOT true.
Gosh, CappuccinoQueen, I wish I had some words of comfort for you. What, after all of the horrors, was causing the siezures? I sincerely hope that your baby is getting healthy and that it’s not anything that is going to require long-term care.
Brightest blessings to you and your son
Truthspeak, thanks. It horrifies me as well. Fortunately, my son’s condition is not life threatening and it is not as uncommon as one would think. He has febrile seizures. Which means, every time his temperature spikes, he is at risk of having a seizure. Normally, this is just something parents can be vigilant about and make sure they are on top of the health of their child. With Luc, however, he is not a mature parent and doesn’t always act in my sons best interest (unless it will somehow make him look good and get attention).
So with febrile seizures, the child doesn’t always have to be hospitalized (especially if you can manage the fever at home). With this incident, however, my son’s fever was out of control and it took a lot to bring it down.
What Luc did was dangerous and ridiculous. Unfortunately, I need to be sure that the next time it happens (because it probably will happen since Luc never learns his lesson) the judge will look at how I went above and beyond to fix the communication problem. This will remind the judge that I am the responsible parent while throwing Luc under the bus. Remember, family law isn’t about truth and what is right. I have to do the best I can to protect my son and if that means setting Luc up (to then have him shoot himself in the foot) then so be it.
I have so much to say on this topic, but at present, cannot/will not/choose not to (not really) but it’s what’s best, etc.
I will simply say this; you have the right idea. I applaud you. I applaud your fight. And I LOVE that you will never give up. The beautiful part is that there will come a day when you will “win” and Luc won’t even recognize it. Your attitude tells the tale.
Best wishes for your son. May he be well.
Thanks Linda. And yes, this is all a “battle of nerves” as Liane Leedom said to me once. The easiest way to win will be to win in a way that Luc doesn’t recognize because maybe then he will just go away and leave me alone.
And please don’t be afraid to share your thoughts on this topic. Even if its critical of my take on it. 😉
CappQueen ~
I feel exactly like Linda just said above – I too have so much to say, but just can’t even begin to put it all in words right now.
I have had experience with febrile seizures and understand everything you said about them, they are not all that uncommon, can be controlled, but at the same time terrifying to the caregiver.
My questions are some things for you to think about, don’t feel obligated to answer them on the blog because the last thing I want to do is to give you anything more to respond to.
Has he had febrile seizures prior to this, or is this his first? Was he feverish when he left for this visit or was this something that could have been brought about by conditions of neglect, like getting dehydrated or extremely overheated? Can you get copies of the 911 call and/or the paramedic report?
Did he sign the hospital consent for treatment form? If he did wouldn’t that be ILLEGAL?
I think your attorney’s are WAY out in left field with this one, I sincerely believe he could (correction SHOULD) be charged with child neglect for falsifying facts about the child’s medical condition. Just my opinion and after spending almost 10 years in and out of custody hearings/courts, my opinion usually doesn’t hold water.
I would take my time, talk to your child’s pediatrician and see if he/she would be willing to write you a note saying the baby should not be out and about (ie. visitation) when he is showing any signs of illness. I would let this whole thing set in my mind for awhile, before deciding what to do next.
All my respect and concern –
OMG – what a horror. Document everything. Maybe you’ll get a new judge who reverses that insane visitation arrangement.
What a horrible experience:( I do appreicate you sharing this with us. Thank God your son is okay!
I had never heard of the term Parental Alienation until my ex spath brought it to my attention this year. I’ve tried to adhere to “No Contact” and he threw Parental Alienation out there and said he suggests I “look into it” as the “court takes it very seriously.” He’s also creating a papertrail and coming up with false statements to “prove” his case. (I’ve been ingorning his useless texts and emails–obvious bullying and evidence of power & control on his part)
I spoke with a domestic violence advocate last month and shared my frustrations with her in regards to co-parenting with a sociopath. She said that just recently they have done away with regarding parental alienation as an actual “syndrome.”
It’s very unfortunate the law team isn’t supportive. If you owed them money or not, they should be standing up for what is right and lawful! Their statements are rediculous. I don’t think my own lawyer quite grasps where I am coming from. His response…”you married an a$$hole, you had 3 children with him, he’s always going to able to contact you, he’s always going to be an a$$hole.” Is there a resource available to us where we can find attorneys in our areas who specialize in dealing with psychopaths?!?! I’d love to find one!
It is definitely challenging at times to not display your emotions to the spath. I recently used the same term “Mama Bear protecting her cubs” in regards to a situation I had where I did display my emotions–I did scream the truth to him and his fiance. I do not regret it because she needed to hear what I had to say after they were both falsely accusing me and calling me names in my driveway, infront of my kids. She believes his entire smear campaign against me. Only a person telling the truth could have reacted the way I did. One day when his mask slips and she sees the red flags, she will remember what Mama Bear said that day. She will remember how passionate I was about the truth.
Your strength is admirable. Glad you will keep on fighting! That’s what us survivors must do. I understand where you are coming from when you say “dangerous, but predictable.” It’s amazing once you understand what you are dealing with, how you can predict their next move. I’ve done it many times myself. Although those predictions help alleviate surprises–they don’t bring comfort. Knowing you have to deal with more psychpathic BS is exhausting. Always being on your toes, always having to be one step ahead is necessary to protect our cubs, but it’s not an enjoyable way to live. My kids are only 10, 8 and 5. It seems never ending. God help us all!
One more thing you may think about doing is getting the names of the paramedics that were on the call and going to talk with them. Explain that Luc had just recently been allowed to have unsupervised visitation with baby boy and you had great concerns about his ability to parent in situations like this. You could personally ask how he was responding to baby boy and his general over all demeanor.
My husband is a retired paramedic and several of my close family members are also in similar occupations. I know they would have been more than happy to talk with you.
Again, just me thinking of anything that may benefit you.
Dear C’Queen, After beginning to read your update on your situation, as a mother (of 4) myself, I went from 0 to Livid in a heartbeat for you and your son! What you described about the hospital staff, and even the people at the “law firm” that has your case….proves my point that I’ve held for, since being involved with the spath I’m dealing with is….the FACT that “normal” everyday people (meaning the ones that have never encountered a spath, let alone be “the target” of one)….PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET IT! The average human mind cannot wrap itself around what these monsters are REALLY capable of!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhh, how my heart goes out to you and your son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said: “I have to protect my son at all cost”. Absolutely…Positively! At all cost means ANY cost. I know the situation is extremely difficult and heart-wrenching. I’m just putting my opinion out here, but there MAY come a day….and the situation MAY worsen to the degree, that you just might have to “disappear” with your son. I can say that, because I was faced with situations when my kids were small. We all know how attorneys, and court systems are…and the cold-hard reality is, some may never find the “justice” and outcomes they so richly deserve. We all know life is not fair, and “doing the right thing” sometimes just does not mean squat! I pray you find Grace and Peace, as you endeavor to keep going on, and pray for Divine protection for your child. Best wishes for you and your boy……
Dear CappQueen ~
I apologize for three posts here, but I can’t get your situation off my mind this morning.
My above posts were meant as ideas for documentation if needed later down the road.
I think your “emergency plan” is an excellent one and the reasons behind it make perfect sense. This is something else you may want to think about – along with the emergency card for him to hand the hospital, how about printing out information on febrile seizures that you find on the internet medical sites. Make sure what you print are the things that make the condition look as serious as possible. Along with that, draft page after page of instructions he should follow, things to look out for, scary things that could possibly happen. The more things you can think of the better, suggest he learn CPR.
The reason I bring this up is because you said he had not even contacted the supervisor to check on how baby boy is doing. OK, we know he doesn’t care, but right about now he may be “spath thinking” that you are trying to saddle him with a “flawed child” and that this “game” is not one he wants to play anymore. This may be a very good time to sit back and see how things play out.
Little story – We were fostering a baby who was in the center of a custody battle. Mom wanted baby put up for adoption, Dad, who hadn’t given a darn until then decided to become involved with the child to “punish” Mom. Baby had some serious digestive problems that required LOTS of special care to prevent Failure to Thrive and even SIDS. By the time the case worker and I got finished explaining the baby’s problems, complete with charts and visual aids we let the Dad have his parenting time, which included feeding, being puked on, changing an unbelievable stinky diaper, holding baby upright for a half an hour and enduring endless baby crying. The next day he notified the case worker he was ready to sign the adoption papers. Oh, that baby is now my 30 year old son, he outgrew the digestive problem as soon as he could sit upright.
You never know !